I just had it: a lightening rod, light bulb over the head, "Eureka!" moment. I know how to open my essay in an intriguing and captivating manner. Holy shit bombs. I'm so freaking stoked. I had the body planned out, like I said in my previous post, but the opener, how to grab attention of the admission folks, and show a unique side to me that illustrates my perseverance, smarts, and tenacity: that moment when I faced my ex-husband's attorney for the last time, that moment when he realized I had kicked his ass, that little ole' me, a whole twenty years old, pulled out a victory over his lying, perjuring, bullshitting ass [referring to the attorney, whom I dealt with throughout the thing, ex-hub wasn't primarily involved, he was stationed out of state]. I'll leave those details out of the personal statement... I think that would be a little *too* much color.
We sat there, under the harsh fluorescent lights, quite buzz filling the air and he sucked in the air and angrily flicked through the papers in front of him. He looked up, "How did you do this?"
"Do what?", I innocently asked.
"This, all of this," as he motioned to the bulging case file and resting at the notarized agreement in front of him. "Are you dating someone from law school? Consulting with an attorney on the side?"
"Nope. Just me."
"You need to get a hobby." he hissed.
I'll never forget that shit, man. Never. There were so many emotions that day, it was crazy. I was scared shitless, being in front of the courtroom, judge, it was real life coming head on. It wasn't a game of mock trials, it was legit. I was on the line, my property, my rights. And I stood alone to defend myself against thirty years of divorce attorney experience wound up in an angry little white haired man. With a rotund tummy. Fucking scared is what I was, and this wasn't the first time I'd had to be there. However, I have the ace in the hole this time. A week prior to the hearing for my motion, the ex-hub fully realized the pickle he was in. I was fighting for my rights on the civilian front and from within the Marine Corps. Bless the Department of Defense for some of the lovely codes and regulations they have, including perjury penalty clauses. And bless his CO's recognition of his little guy's screw up and the fact I wasn't going to relent in my quest to set this shit straight. I was damn sure NOT going to let him screw me over. I was not going to fall under and take $10,000 of debt that wasn't legally due upon me. I wasn't going to lose another $500 per month throughout the separation that was mine. I sure as hell was not cool with any of that nonsense.
Okay, back to work. Time to take my notes and turn this hodgepodge into a crafty creation that will somehow express who I am and why I am a lovely applicant.
Well crap on a stick... my first deadline is in 9 hours! Three graduate apps due. Da-dummm....
Luckily I can use the same personal statement for all three.
Now... on to actually writing the personal statement. Yeah. Haven't whipped that bad boy out yet. I've tried, let me tell you. I've tried! And I have a statement down, but it's not a "winner" as far as I feel. It's not that I'm being hard on myself in this case, the statement is... empty. I've been trying to pin point what's missing and struggled big time with that!
Last night I spent hours hemming and hawing and feeling all kinds of lost with this task. Then the genius idea hit me: get a book that helps you prepare your material and work it out in a well written and logical order. DUHHHH. So I downloaded Kindle for Mac on my MacBook and went shopping. The first "book" I purchased helped me within five minutes. I am not shitting you. There was a preparatory exercise with some things to think about, questions to ask yourself, about yourself. I started thinking of them and immediately tried to conjure up things that I thought the admission people would *want* to hear. As before, it came out empty and hollow. I didn't feel that I put "me" into it. That won't do.
I started over, this time clearing out any idea of what the people may want to hear (as far as what I was thinking that would be) and wrote the honest to heck truth. I used free writing and let the ideas and things pour out onto the paper. I used my blank sheets and a few different colored slim Sharpies and a black roller pen. Ten loosely written pages later, I looked at what I believe to be a most excellent skeleton, framework it you will, for my personal statement-essay-thingie. It's *me*, I captured *me* (shit, I think, anyhow!) within the words, and wrote from the heart (corny, yeah I know, but that's the best phrase I can think of!). Seriously. I'm pretty pumped with what I have on paper thus far. Granted it's NO WHERE near finished, for crying out loud it's some jumbled sentences, partial thoughts, random descriptive words, and a lot of different colors (I colored coded the different themes I had going on throughout it).
The gist is there. The reasons I have had in my head and body (I can't say heart again, it sounds way too cliche and lame!) that I've been wanting to express, suddenly came out in a way that properly represents them. The guidelines I've read so far talk about using examples and keeping a consistent "theme" or tone throughout the essay. I tried, but was using too much logical and analytical thought. Once I spewed my brains out, I re-read my mini hodgepodge and found that I DID incorporate examples to back up the important qualities I want to share. I also have a general theme to my little life story and the things that have led up to my wanting to study neuro: giganto perseverance, and a wickedly inquiring mind, always seeking to find out "why", no matter what. That's the cliff-notes of it. My free-writing explained the time off from college when I was 20-22, highlighted the things working in the public business crap taught me and how I've benefitted, it explained my withdrawal from classes in my 24-25 years (due to the fact I was bat-shit crazy, but I politely kept that particular tid-bit out of the details) and focused on the positive impact that actually had on my direction with school.
So I hope it works out. I'll soon see.
I'm pretty pissed right now, just talked with the parental unit, she's going on and generally being stupid about my grad apps, acting like I should go to the store (currently in my PJs) and get salt for the drive way. Excuse me, NO. I need to get this shit done. It's kinda only my future really. No freaking biggie...
Then her dog that faints and is generally in not the greatest health started barking at me when I was arguing back about the importance of my freaking application essays (which I'd already spent time in the dog's room with her looking at some new stuff she got from a friend). So the fainting dog gets excited, she gets pissed at me for exciting him (my bad for freaking talking and having an opinion about something important that she didn't seem to realize), and this whole thing pissed me off. And I feel like head-butting the wall. Which I won't do, because app writing will certainly be more difficult if my head is lodged within drywall and insulation. Just sayin'.
So it's been a hot minute since I last wrote on here. I've been busy. I've been good. I've been half nuts. I've been mostly total nuts. Above all I've been real damn busy.
I had the subject GRE in October and the regular (second time) early November. Amazingly enough, I did *worse* on the regular GRE the second time. That's been great for my confidence. The subject one wasn't anything to write home about. I was in the 80's, not 90's, percentiles. Which is pretty damn bad if you ask me. Another lift for my spirits.
Classes are over now, for sure. Finally. Just submitted my last essay exam for pharmacology. Waiting on grades at this point. Which is annoying. Fairly certain I have an A in the graduate neuroscience, I have an A in my research section, and pharmacology is likely to be an A as well because my scores for the first three exams have been 100, 94, and 100. I don't see why the fourth on will suck too bad. Graduate cognitive class, there's a special one. He only has two essay exams, one being the mid-term and the other the final. My mid term had two essays and I scored and A and an A-. He doesn't assign point values, so I'm not too sure how he weights the grades. The final had 3 questions... so my fingers are pretty much crossed for that crap.
There's been a helluvalot of stuff I've wanted to write, but I haven't for one reason or another. Mostly because I've been so busy, trying to cram everything in. I lived in the lab for a couple weeks while running subjects for my study. That wore my ass out. I'd work at 5:10a, then class after work, followed by being in the lab until at least 8p, often until 10p. Every freaking day. I live an hour out of town and it was a pain.
I swapped to a new store, which has been VERY special. Oh. My. Special. How the flying hell can people be so damn ridiculous?!?! I work with some very special people. I have no words to sum the situation up. It's borderline amazing.
I've been dipping into the 'lows' recently, which may come across in this post not exactly being cheerful. I'm trying. Trust me, I've already deleted a lot of crap I wanted to include but that I felt was too 'down' to type and have others read.
I ran out of the lamictal on Friday, and I'll get some more tomorrow. I'm sure med thing isn't helping my lows at the moment. But even with the lamictal, last week, I was going down hill, a little more each day. Stress and demands from work, school, grad school, you know, there's so much fucking shit and I cannot type the details without half flipping out in my head. And crying from frustration.
So I think I'm done with this post now. Sorry if I'm cranky. I'm really not happy. And stressed. And scared. And pretty much alone. And I've had some real eff'ed up nightmares, the vivid ones that stick with you during the day, and where I still feel the emotions from the dreams as though they really happened. NOT HELPING. At. All.
I'm behind as hell in school. I cannot concentrate. Or focus. It's driving me insane. I try SO DAMN HARD to force my brain to grasp a concept, and I try to get it to focus and absorb the information I want it to, but my head feels lost in a fog, it's hard to get in contact with, and there is a thick layer of cotton and jello strips (like lasagna noodles) around my hippocampi preventing anything I try to teach myself from getting stored in long term memory. It affects my working memory too. It's stupid. I've wasted SO much time today, not getting SHIT done for school, for grad apps, for the GRE, nothing. I HAVE DONE FUCKING NOTHING. And I've been at my desk since 10am. I would have been at the desk sooner, but my stupid ass slept.
This is driving me crazy. I don't know what the hell. I'm panicky inside. And not just because I'm behind, well of course part of that is involved, but it's beyond that "normal" kind of panic. It's mixed with the "crazy" bits of rapidly-escalating-type panic. And yeah, sucks ass.
My dreams last night sucked. The ex-hub was in them, a lot. So was his current wife. And this totally confuses me because he is definitely not someone I want to be with. So why the hell is my subconscious dragging him up?! Very strange.
Then again, the dream with him didn't center on us having a relationship or anything like that. There was a reunion or something, and it's the first time since the divorce we've seen each other (true, I haven't seen the fool since I said, "peace out, jackass"). He was with me, talking with me, and the general gist of the dream was that his wife was pissed because he still had feelings for me and was all about talking to me, following me around, doing stuff with me (this dream seemed to cover several days of events). I laughed at her being pissed, and I pitied her being married to him.
The part that hurt, and subsequently followed me into my awake hours today, was the past ouchies being brought to the surface. I missed parts of the relationship, parts, not the whole, and the things I missed (being the things that didn't suck) mixed with the pain of the relationship and just... sucked ass. That mother effer did a number on me, that's for sure. I admit it.
The after-hours of the relationship were so fucking hard on me. The asshole attorney he had, who dragged out the divorce and tried to run me over, didn't help ease my pain. Not so much. Shocking, I know. Who would have thought?? So, I gave both of them the middle finger, said, "I don't think so, assholes", and kicked ass (solo, no attorney). Note: It wasn't an ass-kicking in the sense I screwed him over. Instead, I thwarted their attempts to screw *me* over, and all ended in a very fair manner.
I'm not going to go into the shit of all of that, it sucked, use your imagination. I wouldn't change the shit though. It's a part of who I am today. It made me stronger, tougher. I learned how to take care of myself. I learned how to kick ass, and gained the confidence to kick ass if I need to.
But it's kinda stupid to be brought up now, six years later. J has been on my mind too, and sucks a little more than the former. That one is definitely still raw. It's been a little over a year. I don't want him back, not after the way things ended. No, thank you very much. But I still miss shit, and it sure can make me sad as hell. I still hurt from time to time. Things remind me of him. I can't look at pictures of the mountains behind the city we used to live in (where I still have friends, who post pics on facebook) without feeling a stab of pain. He was my best friend, and there are things I want to tell him, talk about, and god damn him, I miss him sometimes, a LOT.
I don't know what the hell my problem is. Why all of this melancholy?!?!?!
I was late today with my afternoon Lamictal dose. I am frustrated to no end with this particular situation. Yes, I am thankful as all hell that someone invented this lovely formula, *but* I am utterly pissed off that I turn into a nutter-butter if even 2 hours late on the afternoon dose. I am working today, so I took my morning dose at 5:30am, which makes being late for my noon dose more "noticeable". This feeling, this crazed business, it's lousy. I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I hate being out of my damn mind. I hate being so volatile. I hate not being "me", watching myself from a third person perspective as I act like a raving jackass. Super fun really.
Last week I took three graduate course exams over three days. Saturday was my Psych/subject GRE. I just about pulled my hair out. It's stressful as all hell. If I didn't have to pull a 40 hour a week job... this would be so much simpler. On a positive note, my research thesis project thingy is moving along. I am a couple hours away from completing the EPrime file (the program to run on the computer). Once that is complete I will run a few trials using other lab people or my sister, and then be good to go. I believe I will start running actual experimental subjects this Friday. I hope. I'm going to try to finish the file tonight and then open up the schedule and cross my fingers that folks will want to sign up!
I will find out how I did on my exams this Friday, I hope. I have my pharmacology exam tonight and I am feeling confident I will kick its ass. The psych GRE results take six weeks. Which is madness, I tell you, madness. This whole GRE business plays a significant role in my graduate school applications. I'm anxious to know where I stand.
This is kinda my future. It will determine where I go to school (obviously), what specifically I study, who I work with, my faculty mentor, the lab I work in, etc. It's going to direct my career. And I'm chillin' here not having a damn clue about any of it. I will start submitting applications soon. I need to wrap up my personal statement. And update my entirely too old CV. I need to wrangle letters of recommendations, which by the way, I don't know who the hell I am going to recruit for that. I'm at a loss. Of course the professor whose lab I work in, and I know he will give my a lovely review. I kick ass in there. And I have the neatest honors project of the folks, well at least the best chance of getting published. I suppose the "neat" factor is totally subjective. Being published on the other hand, regardless of how interesting one finds my experiment, being published is badass. Especially as an undergraduate student. And if I can present at a conference, even better. I need to secure these things ASAP so hopefully I can include some of this info on my CV before I send it to potential programs.
I have a shit-ton to do.
I am typing this from my truck in the parking lot at work. I can use my cell phone as a wi-fi router and access the interwebs from my laptop. It's pretty rad really. I can also set my laptop up in my office at work and watch/listen to video lectures. I use Open Courseware, particularly courses from MIT. They have superb faculty. Which I suppose isn't terribly shocking. It's an awesome way to branch my neuroscience and molecular biology knowledge. The ability to do that is one thing I do love about my job. The next two weeks at the job though are going to be insane. The audit is coming up, persons have left certain positions the get audited, and because I know all of these positions and nobody else in the store does (I perform them better than the persons who left as well), they look to me to fix things. At the same time I complete my current job. I want to please them, I want to get a good "grade" on the audit, and I want to be helpful. I try to take on too much (a seriously fault of mine) and end up going half-mad in the process. My sister's position will be audited too. I'm trying to clean up her business as well. She's relatively new to the spot and didn't have sufficient training to begin with. It's a messy situation and the last thing I want id for her to not make the grade.
I currently have jello for brains. This is stupid. Pardon the negativity in this post. But seriously. I'm more than pissed right now. I have A TON OF CRAP to do for school and junk. I'm very behind. I'm stressed out. Freaked out. And I am having a ridiculously difficult time using the lump of jello within my skull. It feels like jello. Information and things I need to put INTO my brain bounce off of this piece of jello and float away. Simple things escape me. I forgot how to get to the airport this morning while taking my mom's friend there. It's all ridiculous. I sit and try to study. The stuff doesn't stick in my head and I read and reread and NOTHING. Like jello. Or I cannot concentrate and end up doing a heap of other perfectly pointless activities on the laptop and whatnot. Adderall isn't helping the concentration issue. I don't know what the hell I am going to do. Working full time, working in the lab, research thesis, graduate courses, and trying to NOT be a crazy person at the same time is pretty damn hard. I'm trying to remain positive and not bitch (hence why I haven't been posting much because I don't have squat to say that is 'happy') but this is seriously on my last fucking nerve. And I'm not sure what to do. And GREs are right around the corner as well.
I received a rather rude comment from an anonymous person who declared I make bipolar people look bad. It was a little ridiculous.
Aaaaaaand moving on.
There is a good chance my research project will be published, and it's 99% set in stone I will be presenting my results this spring at a conference in Florida. Nervous? You bet! I'm also VERY excited. I have a good shot at a scholarship to cover the costs of going to Florida to present. And there is an opportunity to apply for a grant to fund my research this year. That would be so very super kick-ass.
I'm getting ridiculously addicted to molecular neurobiology. It's pretty bad. Genetics are freaking rad. I never understood how cool E.coli and drosophila could be. Until now. EcoR1 is groovy as well. I thinking about a getting a license plate, "GAATTC"... hehe :)
I taught myself the details of the Krebs cycles, electron transports chain, and the pretty rad mechanisms of ATP synthase (I like those beta units!). I made a three sheet poster that is on my wall by my desk. That was a pretty fun night. *Almost* as fun as the time I figured out the molecular junk of neurotransmitters turning genes on and off!
I have a crap-load of reading to do. So I kinda need to stop typing. Plus it has been a hard week so I need to keep focused. I earned the second highest score on my exam in the graduate neuro class. I was pretty stoked. The under "grad" dog kicked some ass! I needed that extra motivation because like I said, things have been pretty balls ass shitty. And more than a little depressed. And nutty. I am SO lucky to have my passion and love for my chosen field of study; it is something that can make me happy at just about any point in time, regardless of how shitty I'm doing.
I'm still alive, just not typing that much on here. I'm stupid busy with school and that pesky full-time job.
Cliff Notes? Hm.
1. The females at work are wearing me out. It's ridiculous. Two are my boss, one is the part time associate that works the two days I work, and the other three are in a different position but that work in close proximity to what I do. They are clique-ish are drama-bound. It's disgusting. And on days when I am feeling a little off my rocker, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Which is annoying. And causes problems (sorta, they may be mostly in my paranoid head, who the hell really knows) when I'm more stable than anything. I keep vowing to keep my mouth shut at work ALWAYS... but it doesn't always work out that way. I'm a stubborn jackass who doesn't like to take shit from bitches, yet I also want to please and gain the approval of the two "bosses" because I'm a pathetic "pleaser" in that I want to be an excelling associate/employee/competent worker. Naturally I have quite a conflict going on between wanting to let the jackass smart-ass out and mock the idiots versus wanting to excel and please them. Often I find myself doing both. But the backstabbing and game playing and all of that shit is wearing on me emotionally.
2. School is overwhelming. Grad classes, a pharm class, my honors seminar and the honors research thesis. Then studying for the GRE and applying to real grad school this fall. I'm about this close to screaming.
3. Today sucked ass. I feel weird and "off", I'm half off of my rocker, pissed, and wanting to fly in a million directions. So with an ASS-TON of shit to do I sit here for the past two nights not doing anything fucking productive which only makes the shit I feel even worse and the stress level rise which makes everything a lot more stupid.
Still the same; 200mg Lamictal just doesn't cut it. I can't keep a thought in my head and I'm ADD as frick. School work and studies? Ha. Yeah right. Well that's eff-ing fantastic really. Next Tues classes start, and my retarded self popped into graduate courses while I do my honors research thesis. All while I cannot stare at the same screen on my laptop without bouncing around... and forget about reading abilities. Let's face it, while I usually try to remain as positive as I possibly can about things, especially on here believe it or not (because actually typing the real bad stuff makes it permanent and in a way I don't want to give in and actually acknowledge the shitty feelings), so I'll be real for a sec... I'm not happy. Most of the time, not really. It's a struggle and more often than not I don't know what the hell I am struggling for. The point? Beats the shit out of me more often than not. But I'm a stubborn ass and won't quit. So instead I push myself and go half fucking bonkers in the process. I'm not making any sense right now. Nevermind.
I lowered the Lamictal dose today due to the cotton for brains issue. Here I am, once again about to jump right out of my skin. I have the concentration of a two year old which is making studying and learning new shit pretty damn difficult. The incessant desire to jump out of my skin doesn't help. My head is also killing me, has been all day. Stress? Maybe. Change in meds? Quite possibly. It's really pissing me off. Again, I don't feel much like typing these things out or trying to explain them. Peace out yo.
Right. Well the cotton ball head is no longer an issue, well not as much as it was 12 hours ago. Or at least it won't be, I don't think. My groggy ass (Lamictal induced groggy, thank you very much) took a nap. I woke up about 10 minutes ago. As I was laying in bed thinking about what I should do once I got up... it crept up on me again. You know, that crazed stuff I was pleased to have extracted from my brain. I didn't take more Adderall (above the two 5mg doses I've had as usual) than normal. I still took my second dose of 150mg Lamictal and yet the dammed monster is BACK.
I'm all kinds of not pleased with a lot of things at the moment. And I'm sick of typing.
Alright, this is ridiculous. How are there improvements in the type of memory that is failing me right now?!?! Perhaps the pediatric population differs in some way that makes such a thing possible... I'm going to ponder this.
Well, memory improvements for adults too.
I do agree with the improved emotional regulation.
I finally grew the balls to actually increase my lamotrigine dose. I went from 200mg to 250mg per day without brain improvement. A few days ago I increased things to 300mg per day (150 twice a day).
And now I am dumber than a bag of rocks.
The crazy is remarkably reduced compared to last week. I do not have a frenzy in my head 29 hours a day (yes, I said 29, it's true). I have periods of calmness and peace. It's pretty awesome. In some ways, I kinda feel like I'm high all the time. A little detached, a little floaty, like drifting through life on a giant cotton cloud. I dig it. I'm sure as hell A LOT happier. I mean a lot. Big time happier. Not feeling crazy all the time is a huge relief. I have extended periods of peace. Everything is slower...
But the cotton has spread to my brains. And taken over.
While my procedural memory is mostly still rockin' things out, Mr. Explicit Memory has taken a freakin' hike. This is pretty much not a good thing. Throughout the work day I can perform my tasks and functions just fine. I've been doing these things for 7+ years, so it's fairly well ingrained. Procedural. Thankfully that stuff is intact. But I have one hell of a time with the other things throughout the day. I forget conversations, I forget who the hell I've talked to about whatever particular thing. I walk through Walmart and come to a dead stop at an aisle intersection because I cannot remember what the hell I was doing (my sister looked at me weird and reminded me we were headed to the exit). I get confused on my drive home and a little disoriented on this one stretch of (country-ish) highway. I asked a gal I work with if she was the one I talked to earlier that needed help figuring something out for a customer's issue, and if so, I was here to finish that task. She looked at me confused (lots of folks have been doing that today) and said yeah it was her, but that we already took care of it (I was standing right there with her and selected the account money needed to be moved from).
This isn't like normal forgetfulness. I've had normal forgetfulness. I know what it's all about. This is another type of brain-fart that I only get with meds (the mix long ago of Abilify and Tegretol in addition to Lamictal had me super stupid and pretty much comatose).My thinking is slowed as a whole. I'm usually snappy with my thoughts and quick/sharp minded. Now I'm dull. Like trying to run through chest deep water when I used to run on a track.
Forgetting conversations and what I was doing is one thing. I'm cool with that. Bring it on, I'll pass it off as being an air head. No biggie. However... it's a REAL BITCH when my academic focus and neuroscience-thinking-studying is compromised. This I cannot allow to happen. This is my future. My brain will get me to a lovely graduate school where I will get a lovely PhD and (well the plan is) become rather successful in my research via poking brains. Thinking through cotton will not facilitate my goals; it will hinder them.
Sanity versus my education and future. Both are so intertwined. I need the sanity to be happy and hopefully have some normal social functioning including friends and (gasp) a boyfriend thing. Yet I don't think I will be happy without neuroscience being a big part of my life, I mean, it's my one *thing*.
So I'm going to try to mix in a little more Adderall into the equation and see if that helps life my brain out of the water and bring Mr. Explicit Memory back home. Recently I have been taking 5-10mg per day (the Rx is written for 20mg/day). Sooooo what about moving the daily dose up to 15-20mg? Will this help?!
Shit fire, it needs to work.
I will keep the blog updated. Fingers and toes crossed!
P.S. I've been really shitty about replying to the emails blog readers have sent, and I'm sorry if you all are reading this (not sorry you're reading it, just sorry my response skills suck!). I'll definitely get back to you!!!
The past few weeks have been shit to tell the truth. Which is why I haven't written much. I don't like to go on and on about the real shitty shit. I hate being a downer. And I like to try to stay positive, and writing what's in my head sure as hell isn't positive... so I haven't been writing. Makes sense to me.
The gist of the situation:
My brain is successful in going nuttier. I'm in a pretty damn shitty ass state. It sucks balls.
I've upper lamotrigine to 250 for the past few days (no change), and I will soon be titrating up to 300mg/day. The vivid dreams have already set in and they are a blast. I love waking up mentally exhausted. Getting to spend the 45 minute drive to work at 4:30 in the morning reflecting on the night before and trying to sort factual experiences from the fictional dreams is an extra bonus.
I'm getting to know lorazepam and vicodin again, we are fast friends.
I'm back to the gluten-free thing since I have a "mild" alergy to the stuff. It's not helping me body feel better so far.
I'm having issues with eating again, as in I like to eat A LOT. Most of the day is a battle of wills between my self-control and my stomach and ridiculous urge to eat.
As a part of the going nuttier issue, I have been tearing open and enjoying the blood that oozes out of my scabbed over bug bites and crap. My legs look pretty freaking nasty right now. I'm never gonna get laid again looking like a fucking freak show with scabs and scars. I also kinda cut over an old scar on my calf the other day while at work. I was going crazy as bat shit and stuck in publiK (said like Ron White). I couldn't leave and go home. So I made it work. It was fun kinda, I've been holding myself back from doing that activity again for a while. It was nice to finally give in to the temptation and relax.
The heat and humidity here have been absolutely ridiculous. I'm hot and cranky when driving around and about, so I haven't gone to the gym. Or tanning. I refuse to do something that will make me hotter when I'm already miserable. Which isn't helping the whole physical attractiveness thing in my book; getting pale and flabby is bad new bears. It's whatever though. There are idiots out there that dig the curvy bitches with that hourglass/Kardashian figure going on. And these idiots stare. And yeah whatever mom says I should be thankful I am attractive and get people to stare, but fuckitall, when I'm already feeling like shit, paranoid, and half-spazzed out of my mind staring from strangers doesn't help. Neither does the fact my inhibition is lowered and my I have this tendncy lately to say whatever the hell is in my mind regardless of any consequences. This usually involves a hell of a lot of cursing. In public. At work. While on the clock. Sometimes/often within ear shot of customers. Always within ear shot of other employees. It's special. I'm special.
I hate so much.
I may take some larazepam now. I've napped for a bit today. Every time I try to do something goal-oriented (like school shit or sitting down and re-writing the iPhone theme to be compatible with the 4.0.1 firmware crap) my brain vibrates into a frenzy and that activity is short lived. Like 30 seconds short. So I'm not getting shit done and just getting pissed off when I bother trying to do anything... see the conundrum? My solution at this point is to make myself pass out and then I no longer feel like I have to do something and yet not be able to do anything. That would be lovely.
Maybe at some point I'll elaborate and the shit-ness specifics. But I don't know, it doesn't seem to do any good talking about stuff on that level of not-good-stuff.
Well that's stupid. It's done now. Whatever lovely effects that bonus dose had on me are gone. What the freaking fuck dude. Oh well. I'll pop some of the faithful lorazepam and call it a day.
On a side note, I found this and it is quite lovely to read some smart peoples saying how the issues I have with noise and my small threshold for what I can tolerate without my brain screaming and acting retarded isn't just a personality flaw. Cool. Now if only my mother would freaking understand that and not get all pissy when I cannot tolerate her 15 dogs barking in the house that echos like nobody's business...
While not super, I can sit for more than 30 seconds without flying out of my head. This is a pretty big step okay.
So I guess it's time to change my Rx profile to include 300mg lamotrigine, up from the prior 200mg. Tonight is the test... will I wake up horrified from night terrors? Emotionally distraught and tormented?
Dude, I hope not.
At any rate... moving on.
I did a completely retarded thing just now. In light of my ability to sit for 30 seconds, I on/off worked on this godforsaken online dating profile. I am feeling so quite very absurd at the moment. Oh well. I never get out to meet people. So what the hell, if anything it will be an entertaining distraction, right?
Well my profile has been active for all of 45 minutes and I have four "winks". Feeling motivated, I looked at the winkers' profiles. Alas, I freshly recall why my previous stint at the online match-making was cut short... the dudes that are on there... well... either they have no fear of rejection or think way too highly of themselves. Or are smoking crack.
For example. I am a 5'10 Amazonian-built woman, like a "brick-house" as a ghetto co-worker explained. And yeah, after her use of that word I really did go to UrbanDictionary.com and look this business up for clarification. Okay, I'm a curvy ass-kicking machine. True story. I did know a dude flat at the bars one night with a right hook after he thought grabbing the girls with both hands as he walked by was a good idea. I corrected his errant thinking.
Okay, back on track. I'm tall. I'm not dainty. I'm touch. I kick-boxed for a good minute. I need a dude that is built as well, taller than me, etc. It's a freaking evolutionary imperative; females need to feel protected by their mate because they will inevitably need protection from lions and panthers when they have popped out a couple rugrats and someone to hunt down food while caring for said rugrats. Duh....
So, I'm looking for a taller homeslice. I clearly state this in the damn profile. So why the hell do short peeps go about winking and whatnot? WHY? I seriously don't get it. If a dude's profile says he's looking for a slim/slender woman, I sure as fuck don't "wink" at him. Clearly I'm not "slender", and clearly that is what he's looking for. Sooooo... why don't dudes use similar logic?
Freaking A. Stop wasting my time. I'm not an ass and go about the whole politely declining the person thing, and this wastes my time because he's stupid in the first place.
I'm cranky. Clearly. Seriously though, this is annoying as all hell.
Same as yesterday about this time. This morning wasn't so awful, I was doing alright. And here we are past noon and headed toward the evening and I'm right back where I was when I made the posts yesterday, having the same emotions and shit, if anything, they have been amplified a bit.
I'm back in the rubber-banded-circle too.
Thinking about today being Wednesday... flipping out. Thinking about going back to work next Wednesday... flipping out. It is currently a hell inside of my own head. I want out. I want to escape. But I can't find the exit door.
I need to be conscious. I have things I have to do. No lorazepam coma right now. Although last night when I took it, it didn't make me tired, and only took some of the edge off the crazy. The effect lorazepam has on me is one way I can judge how retarded my brain is being.
So fuck, I may take some more here in a minute. I did take another 100mg of Lamictal. I don't know for sure if I took my noon time dose, I think I did because I remember recently swallowing a nasty pill with my lemonade (apart from doing it once this morning when I woke up) so I'm fairly certain this was dose #3. Maybe this will be good for right now, I'll be in a better frame of mind to go to the diesel truck pulls with my sister tonight. Not sure if I have mentioned much of my personal likings and things outside of the crazy-factor. Well, I'm more of a country girl with the jeans, tshirts, boots, love for horses, my own giant Cummins diesel truck, and a severe addiction to pretty much anything with a Cummins in it. LOVE IT. Then there's the neuroscience passion. And the artsy side. And the computer geeky side with writing HTML code, modding and theming the iPhones, the classy and well dressed side... yeah so I'm a little bit of whatever.
Back on point. Diesel truck pulls tonight. I told sister I would go with her. So the extra Lamictal needs to work like right now. And I'll also hook it up with a bit of lorazepam. Since extra doses of Lamictal always make me drowsy, I may whip up some iced coffee here in a minute for the sake of remaining conscious. Thank my lucks ass stars I don't have to travel far to the truck pulls... they are at the county fair grounds, which the outer edge of the grounds are on the other side of the road as the outer edge of our property. So it's not like I'm taking a freaking trip. Which is why I cannot cancel on her even if my head is retarded for hell's sake it's 30 seconds away. There's no reason to be a pansy ass weirdo and not go.
I want to ram my head into a wall. I am not currently about to think clearly, study, read, do anything toward my research thesis, study, think, anything. I want to smash my body into the wall on the other side of my bed. I want to scream and yell, destroy things and destroy my body. I've been doing a semi-job at that lately anyhow, scratching the skin off of bug bites and picking the scabs twice a day, smearing the blood around on my leg, picking and pulling the skin apart. Hair has been plucked out as well. Same with eyelashes. My legs are hideous. Regardless of how horny I am and want/need to get laid, I'm too embarrassed by my scabby scarred legs to get naked with anyone. I'm disgusting. I hate to admit this but I do the same thing when I get ingrown hairs in my bikini region. I go on a "hunting" trip and "fish" the hairs out of my skin with tweezers and/or a needle. I make the whole thing more unsightly by my fishing expedition than it was in the first fucking place. And now the fun-spot looks ridiculous as well as my legs, and there is reason #2 that I will not be getting laid any time soon. I hate my ridiculous habit of skin-tearing. It's stupid. I look stupid. And I love doing it.
Dammit I hate myself sometimes.
Okay I can see my brain is a bit on the fucking retarded side of things today and it is getting worse as time moves on.
So I will go and take some god damned fucking lorazepam. Which will probably put my dumb ass to sleep. Which is fucking annoying.
Sometimes I am mildly amused by myself, I look so normal on the outside, and for reasons beyond me, males literally stop and stare when I walk by sometimes (I hate my hips but what-the-fuck ever), but if those idiots only knew how ridiculous things were. It's amusing, "yeah you think you want me? ha, think again, asshole".
Nutty. Just flipping nutty. And pissed and angry and all of the nutty business as usual. Mind and body are going in 50 different directions, such that I start to move toward one thing, and the pull to other things increases, so I move toward them instead and a pull to the original thing or something totally different increases so I have to move towards it... it's like being in the center of a circle dotted with stakes around the circumference, each stake having a thick rubber band around it that loops around my waist. Moving in one direction to do one task/thing only increases the tension on the opposite bands and drags me back to the center. I can't do anything without opposing pulls and my head is going mad with crazed frustration, bouncing back and forth, at the mercy of the elastic holding me in the center, unmoving except for the futile vibrations as I try to pull in one direction only to be snapped back to another and bounced around like a ball in a pin ball machine.
The tension of frustration and un-moveability to complete anything, to do anything, without the panic rising in my chest from the pull towards doing something else, it's suffocating. I am filled with unease and panic, snapping back and forth inside my head.
The unwell feelings are expressed in my emotions and affect. I'm an out of control ill tempered volatile ass. I'm miserable like this. And *this* is what has been taking more and more of my time in my head. Dammit all to hell Lamictal was supposed to fix this and it did but now... well I've already mentioned this crap before.
I have bipolar disorder which is a total blast. No, I do not write in this blog for pity or to wallow in my troubles. I blog for two reasons: 1.) It is incredibly therapeutic for me since I don't talk to anyone face to face about these things, and 2.) my words sometimes help others who are rocking out with similar issues. Which is rad. I'm all about some teamwork here.
I'm not out on a mission to offend your delicate sensibilities. So if you don't like something I write, I suggest you pull the panties out of your bum and exit the blog. Nasty comments aren't cool, and they make me cry.