JOURNAL: Lamictal!!!!!!!

i've been doing fairly well without the Lamictal. except the past couple of days have caught up with me and now i clearly see the effects of not having that stupid pill. i am not enthusiastic about this AT ALL. i'm not sure what i should be doing with myself at this point. i had yesterday off from work and played hookief rom school plus i have today and tomorrow off as well. and now i am sitting here about to fly off the handle.

i think i will let my random things in my head out on to the laptop. i will try to keep it organized and making sense. but i feel right now i need to "free write" and not try to control the flow of what i am expressing for the sake or easy reading. please bear with me here...

okay. i'm sitting here and i am feeling tired and so i wanna sleep but then if i sleep i am gonna be lazy and not really get anything done today and i cant just keep sitting here because i am bouncing off the walls in my head so that isn't a good idea or anything like that and i feel nervous and anxious and rattled and fuzzy and fizzy and not clear and vague and out of it and disconnected in my head and stuff and that is rpetty annnoying generally and i really need to take my jiggly ass outside for a run or something but i am tired so i need to fdrink more coffee an i am kinda hungry too but the thing is i don't wanna take the time to eat and nothing sounds good and i can't take the time to eat so i drink coffee and then i sit here like so and try to study for the GRE but i cannot focus and i'm tired and i'm tired of being in the house so i kinda wanna go out but then again that takes too much effort so i don't but i am bored form being in the house so i should go out but the thing is i don't like any of my friends anymore because they have al managed to let me down, judge me, or somehow otherwise hurt me and so i am done with them for right now and everything because i know they talk shit and stuff and i don't wanna mess with any of that and still at the same time i am bored here sitting here and doing nothing but trying to study and then i can't study so then i sleep and that bugs me because when i sleep then i don't do shit and i waste my life away and i need to be studying but this day is long and pointless and i don't see the point in much right now oh and hells bells there is the whole stupid ass grad school issue to deal with as far as where to go and what to study to do a MS or PhD and then in experimental or biopsych and where to go to and the application process which means i need to kick ass on the GRE first and stuff and then get letters of recomendation together and get into PsiChi real quick so i can add that on my resume and there is so much shit i need to do and i am starting to panic about all of it and i had my mind set to go to Idaho State U but now i'm chicken shit about that and thinking maybe no, so then maybe Purdue or Indiana State U and then again if i did that still is that right for me where will i get the best edicationa and will they fully fund me because i need that since i am broke and stuff and iif i go to IdSU i can get published in my research that i do with them and that is good plus it is a smaller school in the mountains and i love that but still there is another personal issue that is somewhat related to the Idaho thing and i am thinking that may not be a good idea to haul my ass all the way out there and perhaps i should just stay in the midwest area which is closer to home but i want to be out there but it's far and everything and there is this thing with someone a personal issue that has me pretty frikin upset although i haven't cried which i am proud to say that i haven't or anything like that and i was let down in a big way again by a person and god damn i tell ya i am sick n tired of people ebing stupid and awful and then i get lonely sometimes like right now i am lonely but at the same time there isn't anyone in this state that i am in that i feel like being around so i am not going to do anything and instead just sit here like a cracked out freak not knowing what to do or anything and freaking out because her stupid ass BlackBerry phone cover she tried to replace her scratched up one with isn't going on right and she lost the bottom cover and so it looks funny and she's too anal to take the clear plastic off for fear of scratching the new cover even tho it looks ghetto because it's not on properly or anything and has a couple screws loose and stuff but still can't take the plastic off because it cannot get scratched and you know i should really take some ativan or something but my face is already tired and i could maybe go to sleep again anyhow but i need to go run but i don't want to be out in public and really man i sm starting to lose it a little bit and i hate this shit like this and i don't know what to do and i would like to escape my brain and get out of it for a minute but guess what i can't so ehre i am sitting all energized and kinda sorta flipping out but then also tired and foggy in my brain from not sleeping last night ... i don't want to be here. not hank you please. i'm trapped with school and having to make a decision soon adn study for the GRE and the fact i haven't i am such a lazy douchebag. i hatemyself right now for being a sloppy looking failure and for not working out like i should have been and everything is slipping through my fingers and i don't like any of it and why can't i have done it differently and not been jiggly or pale or anything like that i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this it's all stupid ass shit. and it's hot in this room and house because some people refuse to turn the AC on so it's humid because this is a nasty humid state and well i am feeling not so happy about being here and funcitoning when i am mildylt sticky all over. i'm done writing now i am tired of it and frusterated and i hate the flies that are landing on me from the doors being open. stupid house and stupid humidity and shit i need to go run or something but i am so tired i hate everything.

JOURNAL: Ativan is awesome!

I'm done with work for today, and school was good as well. The prof covered exactly what was on the exam which is a "take home" tonight for German. I'll get a good grade no doubt. Once I got to work my lil brain was zip zip zip too much so my friend Ativan went down the hatch and I was more level. Kinda out of it for a bit until I ate dinner sammich. All in all it went well, I worked quickly and was productive. I'm fairly certain I'll need some more Ativan to sleep, and that is okay.

The health insurance won't be active for 2 weeks.... Wow. Please wish me luck and things. I'm fairly confident it will all go fine. I'm good at reading myself and being proactive with what I need to do/not do to manage things and keep my level of functioning well.

Staying positive!!

Which is not to say that I am perfectly mentally stable, but that I am going to make the best of what I have. I wish for everyone to be able to do this, take a deep breath, accept the current reality of how things are, and step by step create a plan of action of how to deal with each obstacle. Change what you can and work with/around what you can't.Do what you need to do to find some peace and comfort in your daily routine. And...... Stay positive!

JOURNAL: from school...

I'm sending this post from my cell phone. I wonder if it will work....?

Anywho... I have a good mood today, I'm pleased with this. It's been 32 hours without Lamictal and I only snapped once last night. Although I do feel to be quite "revvved up" which I'm looking at as a good thing because I'll be going in to work after class in finished, so extra energy is a positive thing. I hope. Well I do have plenty of my Ativan on hand in case I get too revved up and need to slow my brain down a bit. I'm feeling prepared so far... Wish me luck!! :)

Hello Again!!!

wow, it's been forever since i have written! i was mildly doing better for most of the time, and busy with school, working with horses (theraputic as all get out) and working at Lowe's.

most of the time i have been doing mostly fairly well in fact. not perfect, for a while there actually i didn't write because i was sick off and on, and physically "depressed" without any energy, motivation, etc. so writing in th blog was out of the question for me!

when i logged back on this morning i was greeted by discovering i have 21 followers and i had 12 comments that needed to be moderated and approved. i read through each and every comment and i cannot tell you all how deeply touched i was by the things i read. the words of encouragement and everything else carry so much meaning for me. to know that i impact others in a positive way is so important to me. i cannot express how i feel with words. it brings tears to my eyes to know that i am successful in the one goal i set out for myself once i was diagnosed and started dealing with the disorder and that is to be able to take my experiences and help other people who are in the same boat as me. that's all i want, and it's what i need to give myself some sort of meaning with all of this. i am hell bent to find the good in this mess, and there is some right there in you all who read this, and let me know how it has been helpful to you in some way or another. i am so pleased and happy right now :)

the horses i groomed and took care of have gone to Main until September (with their owner) and i have swapped to working for Lwoe's full time (a minimum of 32 hours per week), and i am still in full time summer school. yes, i see this as possibly being a formula for disaster... but at this point i seriously do not have any other choice in the matter. i am not longer able to receive financial help from my mother (she doesn't have any more to give to wards my bills, although i do still have free room and board and food, so i am NOT complaining!) so i need to work for my fuel costs, medical costs (yikes, through the roof), bill, insurance, cell phone, etc. and since i turned 25 in June, i am no longer eligidible for insurance through my step-father's employer. crap. so, i need that full time employment status through Lowe's to get the health benefits. i am terribly thankful that i have the FT. techincally, i am not supposed to, i was hired on as a "part-time employee" because they did not have room for any more full time positions. but the sales manager there has worked with me before, knows i kick ass at anything i do in that place, especially admin and mgmt stuff, and he helped me out, spoke with the HR and told her to put me in as FT. when the operations manager found out i was full time, he was quite confused and surprised, but he went along with it!! i learned that it pays to be a kick ass employee and to do well by people because someday they may be in a position to really save your butt, and it's so much easier if they are willing to make a move without even being asked. i am so thankful for him doing that!!

thing is , the HR woman hasn't set up the insurance yet. and i am no longer covered by my previous insurance. SO... the big sucky thing here is that i need to pick up my Rx for Lamictal and i can't because Walmart is charging $350 for it. i'm in a bit of a pickle. i no way have that kind of money. and i was going to pick it up before the end of June but i totally screwed up and forgot... even though the stupid store is RIGHT NEXT To Lowe's. i'm a little ticked off at myself. and i am also all out of Lamictal. that's the one med i need to never run out off because i go all off the wall fairly quickly. i am a little nervous as to how this is going to go down for the next week or so, and my fingers are crossed. i am determined to keep it all together fairly well.

last night i started to get depressed again, and feeling like melting into my bedsheets and never being seen again, and so i took and extra 40mg of Prozac (my daily pill doseage is 40mg) and Ativan and went to sleepy time (after watching some episodes of Scrubs on my laptop). this morning i woke up (after sleeping 10 hrs) and took my usual morning mesds and i can feel the extra energy the Prozac gives. it's a good thing, and it has perked me up a bit. although my leg is jiggling and tapping at 283 miles per house. but that's okay. i'm up and somewhat alert (although still foggy... go figure) and going to try to do my German homework today. i have been falling behind in my studies due to lack of motivation and being overwhelmed with work and school as much as i have them.

like the Prozac has been going and i don't even want to take the time to fix food to eat. nothing sounds good to my appetite and i don't feel like waiting for oatmeal to cook. this is good actually... i have put on a few more pounds and that isn't good and makes me feel like crap really.

anyhoo... i'm not sure where i was going with all of that, just a general update of sorts. i will usually have the weekends off form work, and during the week go to school from 8-11:20, then work from 12-9. since i live an hour out in the country, i leave the house around 6:30 and come home about 10. it keeps me on my toes and busy as hell during the week. this is good too. mostly. i am lucky to not have a terribly stressful position and i have the freedom and flexibility at Lowe's to literally "hang out" and do what i want to do as i get the urge. more than one person has referred to me jokingly as the "Princess". which is sorts true... :) but it didn't come without hard work and putting in a lot of time and effort when i was a manager myself a few years ago. i'm so glad my ass kicking way back when is paying off now!! whew!!

my brain is pretty sensitive to the Lamictal doses and even when i skip one dose (i take it two times a day) i can feel it. it is my "stabilization" med and it does wonders for me. without it... well... i'm fairly unstable. but i do have my Ativan so i hope that will help things along here. i also have Lithium too that i haven't used in a while (because it makes me feel like shit) but... i may bust that out if i need to.

well i need to try and study, i am fairly certain that i will be writing later today to share how i am doing and other things that have popped into my mind.

thank you all again, so much, for the support and encouragement :)

JOURNAL: Alone...?

I feel quite alone, no matter where I go or who I'm with. It is still alone... I don't know how to explain it, and for the most part it doesn't bother me. But sometimes the "alone" can turn into "lonely" and I can crave comfort from someone. I don't have any comfort anywhere in my life. Not really. I have a great mom and everything, bit it isn't quite what I need if that makes any sense at all. No comfort. I'm about to graduate as well here very soon, and that should make me happy, but it doesn't. Inm terrified. Its gonna be time to go off to grad school and I'm fucking scared. What the hell am I doing? Where the hell should I go? What should I do once I'm there? What career should I really do with my degree, etc. I know it may not sound like much, but I'm so scared. And I'm having a hard time seeing the poiint in anything. I don't see the point. Okay, let's call this feeling "hopelessness". I don't see the point in continuing to work so damn hard at school and grad school and trying to work to earn $$ and the financial stress I'm under and everything. I'm not making sense. There is so much I want to say but I do not know how to say it. My emotions and thoughts go much faster than my fingers can type on my phone keyboard... Soooooooo I really don't know how to say what I want to say.

I don't like the world. I don't want to participate in the world. I don't like most people. I don't want to play with most people.

That isn't phrased right either. This is a day when I don't like myself either. I'm sad and I wanna go curl up under a rock and cry like a sissy.

I'm screwed up. And that kinda sucks.

I have my methods for when I start to freak the hell out. Or am so not enthusiastic or interested in paerticipating in life. Ativan/Xanax helps sooth the freak outs and vicodin makes me euphoric and then it's all gravy. Drinking almost scares me because I cannot always predict how it will effect me. The pills I know exactly what they'll do and how I'll feel. The liquor tho is different. I wish I had a stash of ativan and xanax and vicodin to last me forever. If I could have vicodin everyday, granted my poo would be really hard, it would help me be more interested in participating.

I'm not happy. I'm numb and sad and nothing. Oh well really. It happens.

JOURNAL: A break from school, sorta!

i am done with the spring semester. WHEW. although i officially lost my 4.0. which i kinda hate. my smartness, my intelligence, is the only thing i have. and now it is gone. i don't have anything left that makes me special or anything. that was my defining thing. and it's gone. gone. gone. the experiemental psych class, i was a bit of a slacker at the last moment. i thought i could skate through it and busted my ass on the last exam. crack... and i got a B. then this stupid ass humanities class, i actually tried and still got a B. i want to strangle the professor. i honestly feel i deserved an A-. not a full A, but A-. i did deserve that. i tried harder than anyone else, i participated the most in class, and my mid term had a B grade, and my final was written even better than that... so wtf.

it's hard to me to accept this. having my As... that was my thing. and it is now gone. and i feel like crap. the thing is... my brain says i should feel like crap... but i feel nothing. i got an A in the hard ass biopsych class, and i feel nothing. i am one giant numb-ball. what the hell?? so weird. i'm not too sure what to think about that. i kinda don't care. i try to convince myself to become upset... but i get nothing. soooo... oh well. not going to worry about it.

i'm tired. i don't feel like writing much down right now. i have been in a weird place lately, and have been kinda pulling back from everything. i ride the horses as much as i can, and i swear i spend more time with my four legged friends than anyone else. i just don't like people. they suck. and i don't even feel like trying to finish that thought right now. i will later tho...

and thank you, to the reader who left that last comment about trolls and reading my blog :) it really made me smile. a real smile. i appreciate that so much :)

JOURNAL: ???

i don't know anymore. i had a comment, on one of my posts that i wrote when i was half out of my head, and the comment said "basically your a dumb selfish bitch" (they did write "your" instead of "you're". that's annoying).

i read the post, i was out of my head, i sounded like a raving lunatic. but this is my safe place to rant and say things that i would never say to anyone in my "real" life. i don't tell anyone else this stuff. i rant it out here, and then i can go about my day with a little less on my mind. but then when i am attacked by "anonymous"... it makes me feel like a fool. a damn fool. i feel like a loser. i am so hard on my self to not be weak or selfish or anything like that... and then even here where i thought i was doing something to vent it all out and whatever... and then it turns out i really am thought of as a fool. i know one person does not equal the opinion of everyone... but i have been in a crappy spot today, this week really, and i don't have anyone to talk to in my "real life" so i come here... but now i don't feel safe to come here. even here i am judged and in the eye of public people which means i need to keep that "good" front up and keep acting like a chipper cheerful me.

i'm going to sleep now. this is dumb to type still.

JOURNAL: Happy? Or not?

i did some thinking today, i was really thinking pretty darn hard.

and... i don't know if i am "happy". i mean, i have happy moments, and there are things in my life that i am thankful for, and i know i am lucky and i generally try to not complain and i am a smart girl, i have my general health, i have a roof over my head, etc etc etc. i'm totally okay with things that have happened in my past, i like the person i am, who i have become. i get to ride almost every day of the week, i am very thankful for that, my family, my little puppy, etc etc etc.

but, when i ask myself, "are you HAPPY?", i don't get an answer. i won't allow myself to say "no" because that is "weak" (and if you have read my blog before, you know darn well how much i hate being a weak person), but i won't lie to myself either. so i don' give an answer. and to protect myself from the thought of not being "happy", i jump into rationalization mode and try my hardest to convince myself that i *AM* happy, and to list the ways in which i am such.

HOWEVER... this leaves me feeling empty. i know i don't have a good reason to not be "happy". i feel so guilty for not being "happy". shit... i have to tell someone, so i am telling my blog, that i am not happy. i am a littl eupset with myself for not being happy. in fact, i am so hell bent and determined to be a happy and well cognitively fucnitoning person that i don't accept myself to not be happy. that is not an option. i have all of the right cognitive patterns and processes to be a happy and healthy individual. and when i start to get "down" i bust them out and cheer myself right up. i follow the motions anyhow. and i tell my self i am happy. and i don't let myself swell, and i sure as hell don't publicize the dwellings to anyone else, bc then i am being WEAK and stupid and i know all of the things i would tell me if i were someone else, and so then i tell self those thigns, and then i tell myself i am all better... but still, inside, i am numb. nothing. empty. kinda like a shell.

i do not know what this is from. i do not know how to correct it. i am actually quite confused by it. well... sorta not. there i go again, it's like i know i should be "confused" and "surprised" by the new found feeling of nothingness... but i'm not. i kinda don't give a crap. which is weird. but i really don't care. the only reason i care enough to write it down here is bc i am telling myself to be a good girl and record things that go on in my head bc it turns out to be helpful down the road. that's all i am doing it for really. and in a way so i can tell SOMEONE... without actually telling anyone. bc there isn't a good reason to be so non-happy. hell, nobody would guess it. i went to the baseball game for college today to raise $$ for the polo team i am on, and i was a smiling outgoing goofy person, having fun and generally cheerful and silly. yet inside... there is NOTHING. numb. nada. zilch. zippo. but damn if i am not good at faking it. i can fake it all day. once i am alone though... it all fades away into nothingness. super. special. spectacular.

h well. i know i should care, but i will admit, i kinda like not caring. it's easier to not care as much. a lot easier. i mean, there are still things i care about, but i am systematically stmaping those out. those last remenants of feelings are being killed off little by little as they crop up. it's taking time... but... in due course i will be like a robot. is it perfectly healthy? naw, not really. do i care? nope. it works for me. it allows me to function. to do school work. to get smart. etc etc etc. those things i MUST do. sometimes... i don't care about that stuff. sometimes i feel like i am not going anywhere at all. going nowhere fast. which is better the nowhere slow. but still... nowhere. circles. nothingness. i am not totally dead inside, i know that for a fact, i was just looking at a friend's photos of her family (husband, daughter and new baby boy) and i started to cry. they have the love and family and relationships i want. she is so lucky. she lives in another state and i don't see her often at all... but i know they dynamic she and her husband have, and it's wonderful. there is so much love in that family. you can see it in their photos and their faces. and it made me cry. i guess it's my maternal hormones or whatever. i'm just a month and a half away from turning 25... so i guess... maybe it's the maternal-time-clock-thing. i don't know. maybe it's lonlieness. the lonliness that i sometimes feel that i won't allow myself to feel or admit to myself that i feel. as soon as it creeps in i drive it out like a mad woman bc feeling that is a form of weakness, and as we all know i am obsessed with being STRONG. there isn't any other alternative for me. MUST BE STRONG. ALWAYS.

i need to stop obsessing over that. i know this. but i don't kow how to make myself. and in some ways... i don't want to. if i were to be a little softer, then i am opening myself up for more hurt. and that i cannot do. so it's toughness all the way.

JOURNAL: My "weight" rant earlier today...

"i need to vent to someone that won't just placate me and say stupidly empty nice things"

"srsly. i have gotten fat. i hate myself. i am disgusting. i hate myself. i am disgusting. oh and btw, did i mention that i hate myself??? yeah. bc i pretty much do. god dammit i am fucking pissed off. and full of self loathing. and stressed about this fucking English essay, which.... it's just gay. and today i forgot but i have to go to a UofL baseball game and volunteer for a polo fundraiser and serve grilled food and shit to people. when i am in a full on self loathing mode, guess what?? i am not a good candidate to be around people. NOT FUCKING AT ALL. it makes me panicked. i get paranoid. stressed, and basically a few screws come loose. AND that's right, i found out LAST NIGHT that there is a dress code for this fund bull shit. black pants and a white polo shirt. fantastic... except for the pants and shirt part. bc i don't own either of those things. what's that? what about my old work clothes you ask? oh yes, a good idea, however my ass is too fucking big to fit in them. fan-fucking-tastic. which leaves me in these god awful i can't zip them all the way up brown khaki bull shits that have been sprayed with water as i am sitting down to try to stretch them out. i want to kill someone. loathing every inch of myself. i am miserable. i hate being miserable. i want to cry."


so anyhow, i had sent this to my friend. and here is the response:

"Look here...you know I am not one to coddle anybody. So let's look at the facts:

1. So what?

2. It is controllable/reversible.

3. Too much Vicodin will do that to ya.

4. Take a deep breath and be happy that you are breathing on your own. That's more than some can say.

5. You GRADUATE in DEC!

6. You have sacraficed being in shape for #5. Not a bad sacrafice.

7. We can't have everything we want. That's one I'm still trying to figure out.

8. Get over it. If you wanna be in shape again you know what you have to do... right? It is not easy that's for sure.

9. You are stronger than this. Quit hating yourself. If you hate yourself how can you expect others to like/love you? Remember how transparent that shit is to people who pay attention.

10. I'm an evil bastard. No explanation necessary"



i really love his response. it was EXACTLY what i needed. it's the same rational stuff i tell myself, and exactly what i would tell someone else in my position who is complaining. and it really helps to hear it from a third person perspective. i can tell myself until i am blue in the face but i end up just chasing myself around in my head. hearing it from another person... really helps it sink in. i am thankful to have him in my life to help me out and for me to talk to. it may not seem like much... but it really does help me.

RESEARCH: Borderline Personality Disorder

this is my research paper i did... the formatting is kinda screwy bc i copy and pasted it from a Word.doc. enjoy :)

Frontolimbic Circuit and Ventromedial Prefrontal Cortex Pathology in Borderline Personality Disorder

SUMMARY:

Patients with a borderline personality disorder (BPD) often experience a recurring pattern of disorganization and instability in self-image, mood, behavior and personal relationships. The main feature of BPD is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. The affective instability and impulsivity are most prevalent in social relationships. A person with BPD sees things in black and white, and their relationships with family, loved ones, and friends can fluctuate from ideation to devaluation after a small conflict. Borderline patients exhibit other impulsive behaviors such as excessive spending, binge eating, self mutilation and risky sex. Impulsivity and/or impulsive aggression is considered to best predict the persistence of borderline psychopathology across time (5). Disturbances of higher cognition and social behavior, as seen in BPD, have long been recognized as common result of dysfunctions of the prefrontal cortex.

Early studies using computed tomographic (CT) imaging have ruled out gross abnormalities, significant differences in ventricle-brain ratio, and found no evidence of frontal lobe atrophy in borderline patients compared with healthy subjects (4). Current research is focusing specifically on pathology of the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (VMPFC) and the frontolimbic circuits; as they have been implicated in the modulation of emotional behavior on the basis of neuroimaging studies in humans and lesion analyses in experimental animals (4). Dysfunctions in these and other prefrontal regions have been linked to other disorders including depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. The orbitofrontal cortex (OFC) makes up a part of the VMPFC and deficits in these areas have been correlated to lesions and a decreased of myelination in experimental animals. In humans, fMRI imaging studies have shown the VMPFC to be linked with their action evaluation, and the orbitofrontal frontal cortex is a specific point of reward punishment processing (1). The frontolimbic circuit includes the amygdala, hippocampus and anterior cingulate cortex (ACC). The sublingual (ACC) has higher levels of activation when errors are likely in the subjects’ decision making (8).

Evidence from previous brain imaging studies on borderline patients suggests VMPFC dysfunction in the disorder; specifically hypometabolism, and smaller volume, of the OFC (8). Negative emotional states exacerbate borderline patients’ difficulty in modulating their behavior. Silbersweig et al. (2007) hypothesized that reduced activation in borderline patients’ VMPFC and associated regions of the frontolimbic system were responsible for this characteristic. They designed a study to specifically probe the interaction between behavioral inhibition and negative emotion in sixteen patients with BPD compared to fourteen healthy controls. Functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) of the medial OFC and the subgenual ACC was used to test for the presence of decreased prefrontal inhibitory function and examine the neurocircuitry underlying the interaction between emotions and motor inhibition with verbal stimuli (7). The participants performed an emotional linguistic go/no-go task which utilized themes prominent for individuals with borderline personality disorder. Behavioral response was based on orthographically based cues: participants were instructed to perform a right-index-finger button press immediately after silently reading a word to themselves that appeared in normal font (go trial) and to inhibit this response after reading a word in italicized font (no-go trial). Button-press responses and reaction times were recorded (7).

Behavioral data categorized as response times, error rates, recognition rates, and valence ratings was recorded. The data was analyzed using repeated measures analysis of variance and subsequent Wilcox on signed rank-sum tests to focus on performance differences across groups and conditions (7). Behavioral measures showed significant between-group differences and trends where borderline patients rate negative words more negative, have longer reaction times for no-go conditions, and make more errors of omission and commission during the negative no-go conditions. Negative emotional stimuli comparatively decreased activity level in borderline patients in the VMPFC, specifically within the medial OFC and subgenual ACC, and in the dorsal ACC suggesting these neural substrates are associated with core clinical features of emotional and behavioral dyscontrol in BPD (7). These results are consistent with a model of domain-specific mapping of prefrontal function, with more dorsal regions involved in more cognitive, conscious, and effortful controlled tasks and more ventral regions involved in more social-emotional, unconscious control tasks (7). Similarly, Grant et al. (2007) (MRI) volumetric study of ten borderline patients and ten healthy controls produced evidence of decreased white matter microstructural integrity in inferior frontal brain regions of borderline patients, including components of orbitofrontal circuitry (3).

Comparing the psychiatric population of patients with borderline personality disorder to neurological patients with OFC brain lesions is a fairly new approach to studying brain physiology in psychiatric patients. Iverson, Berlin and Rolls (2005) hypothesized that frontolimbic circuit dysfunction (involving both the OFC and amygdala regions) may be involved in BPD related impulsivity (4). Iverson et al. administered questionnaires on personality, emotion, and impulsivity as well as a number of computer-based tasks that are sensitive to frontal lobe dysfunction to assess possible underlying factors related to impulsivity in their participants. Four different groups of people were used; twenty-three patients with OFC lesions, twenty patients with lesions in the prefrontal cortex but not in the OFC, nineteen patients with borderline personality disorder and a history of self-harm, and thirty-nine healthy comparison subjects.

Both the OFC lesion group and the borderline personality disorder group showed significant impairment (regardless of whether they differed significantly from each other), compared to the healthy group (4). On some measures the BPD patients differed significantly as being more impulsive than the patients with OFC lesions. However when compared to the control group or the patients with lesions outside of the OFC, both the BPD and the orbitofrontal lesion patients show significantly higher levels of impulsivity, reported more inappropriate behaviors, more borderline personality disorder traits, more anger, and less happiness than subjects in both of the comparison groups (patients with prefrontal lesions outside the OFC and healthy comparison subjects). In support of Iverson et al.’s main hypothesis, the patients with borderline personality disorder had deficits that were similar to those of the patients with OFC lesions and dissimilar to those of the patients with lesions outside the OFC.

These findings suggest that the OFC is involved with impulsivity and affect instability in borderline patients. One implication of this finding is that some of the core characteristics of borderline personality disorder, in particular impulsivity, are similar to the effects of OFC damage. The OFC, with its extensive reciprocal connections with the amygdala (which is implicated in emotional behavior), may play a role in regulating emotional and behavioral responses. This supports the hypothesis that patients with borderline personality disorder have some deficits that can be related to the functions performed by the OFC. These deficits might be related to smaller volume of the OFC or to lower levels of activity in the OFC. However there was one variation in Berlin et al.’s study where the BPD patients and the patients with OFC lesions performed differently on a few of the tasks. This suggests that other characteristics of borderline personality disorder (e.g. high levels of emotionality, neuroticism and introversion and a low level of conscientiousness) may be caused by a neurochemical imbalance or dysfunction of the ACC and/or the amygdala. There isn’t evidence of ACC and amygdala pathology in the patients with OFC lesions, therefore abnormalities in these areas in borderline patients would account for the variations between subject groups on some measures.

Not surprisingly amygdala pathology, dysfunction and chemical imbalances have been recorded in borderline patients. The amygdala has been shown to have greater activation in borderline patients in response to fear stimuli (6). Blair et al. (2006) performed magnetic resonance imaging volumetric measurements of the frontolimbic regions, temporal lobes, and prosencephalon, and the borderline patients had nearly eight percent smaller volumes of the amygdala (1). Measures of cerebral N-acetylaspartate (NAA) concentration (which is regarded as an indicator of cerebral neuronal integrity and density) revealed a significant nineteen percent reduction of dorsolateral prefrontal (NAA) concentration in patients with BPD (8). Significantly lower levels of activation responding to fear in borderline patients relative to healthy controls have been recorded in the subgenual ACC (6). Minzenberg, Fan, New, Tang, and Siever’s (2007) research provides evidence that adult borderline patients have changes in frontolimbic activity in the processing of fear stimuli, with exaggerated amygdala response and impaired emotion-modulation of ACC activity (6). These functional changes may represent an expression of the volumetric deficits observed in these brain areas by in borderline patients (6).

ANALYSIS:

Iverson et al. performed analyses of covariance across all variables, which discounted any confounding effects of age or gender on the results; but the level of impulsivity (such as measured by the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-2) was not included. Impulsivity is a personality trait that can exist independently from BPD and should be included in the covariance analyses. Without impulsivity being ruled out as a confounding variable, low impulsivity in the healthy subjects could account for the variations of brain pathology between groups. It is not made clear if the brain pathology in borderline patients is strictly limited to the disorder, or if otherwise healthy controls that are high on impulsivity will also have similar pathology.

Future studies should treat the level of impulsivity as a quasi-independent variable. Three subject groups used for this hypothetical study include a group of borderline patients, of healthy controls with low scores of impulsivity, and healthy controls with high scores of impulsivity. The healthy controls should have their levels of impulsivity evaluated by the MMPI-2 and sorted into the high and low level groups based on their scores. A second study suggestion is to administer the MMPI-2 to all participants in the study (borderline patients and healthy control) and then perform covariance analyses across the impulsivity variable (along with age and gender variables) to rule out any confounding effects the trait may have.

All referenced studies between borderline patients and healthy controls had post hoc least significant difference analyses that were significant at least at p<0.05,>

REFRENCES:

1. Blair, K., Marsh, A.A., Morton, J., Vythilingam, M., Jones, M., Mondillo, K., Pine, D.C., Drevets, W.C., Blair, J.R. (2006). Choosing the lesser of two evils, the better of two goods: Specifying the roles of ventromedial prefrontal cortex and dorsal anterior cingulate in object choice. Journal of Neuroscience, 26, 11379–11386.

2. Brown, J.W., Braver, T.S. (2005) Learned predictions of error likelihood in the anterior cingulate cortex. Science, 307, 1118–1121.

3. Grant, J.E., Correia, S., Brennan-Krohn, T., Malloy, P.F., Laidlaw, D.H., Schilz, S.C. (2007). Frontal white matter integrity in borderline personality disorder with self-injurious behavior. Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience, 19 (4), 383-390.

4. Iverson, S.D., Berlin, H.A., Rolls, E.T. (2005). Borderline personality disorder, impulsivity, and the orbitofrontal cortex. American Journal of Psychiatry, 162, 2360–2373.

5. Links, P.S., Heslegrave, R., van Reekum, R. (1999). Impulsivity: Core aspect of borderline personality disorder. Journal of Personal Disorders. 13, 1–9.

6. Minzenberg, M.J., Fan, J., New, A.S., Tang, C.Y., & Siever, L.J. (2007). Frontolimbic dysfunction in response to facial emotion in borderline personality disorder: an event-related fMRI study. Psychiatry, Mount Sinai School of Medicine. 155(3), 231-43.

7. Silbersweig, D., Clarkin, J.F., Goldstein, M., Kernberg, O.F., Tuescher, O., Levy, K.N., Brendel, G., Pan, H., Beutel, M., Pavony, M.T., Epstein, J., Lenzenweger, M.F., Thomas, K.M., Posner, M.I., Stern, E. (2007). Failure of frontolimbic inhibitory function in the context of negative emotion in borderline personality disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 164, 1832-1841.

8. Van Elst, L.T., Thiel, T., Hesslinger, B., Lieb, K., Bohus, M., Hennig, J., Ebert, D. (2001). Subtle Prefrontal Neuropathology in a pilot magnetic resonance spectroscopy study in patients with borderline personality disorder. Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience, 13(4), 511-514.

JOURNAL: Lamictal and concentration

crap. today i have been struggling with the fact i do not have ANY concentraiton. it's making the school thing really really really difficult today. i read stuff, and i can sense it, i am aware of sensing it, but somewhere along the route to my brain... the info fades and it doesn't make any sense to me. i can read the wrods, and i understand the words, but once i have a sentence completed there is nothing in my brain. i don't know what i just read. and i am trying, willing myself to focus, but it's not really doing much good. i'm getting kinda cranky over here with this.

there is a huge disconnect in my brain.

i had gone off my meds when i was having the stomach problems. and now i am titrating back on to the Lamictal and Prozac (and trying like hell to not go back to lithium) and i believe the Lamictal is what is making me dumber. i really do think this. i remember feeling "dumb" like this when i had my Lamictal dose over 200mg. it was at 300mg for a minute, but i was really "dumb" then, so i lowered it. i have two weeks left in the semester, and i can either go back off meds and deal with being a crazy person, or stay on them and deal with being a dumb person. eeek. i don't like these choices!! regardless, i will most liekly stay on them. although they haven't started to do me any good yet. the stress from this semester and grad school plans and stuff is adding a lot to my plate.

dammit.

JOURNAL: bad day

i don't know why. my brain isn't functioning. i'm not thinking and having a hell of a time comprehending the words on the pages of my book. and i put too much pressure on myself to get perfect grades bc i'm obsessive and i know it' not good to do that but i cannot stop myself no matter how hard i have tried, and then i think about grad school and freak out again bc i am scared i'm making the wrong program choice and part of me doesn't want to go at all bc i'm scared of failure, like i am scared of failure in this semester by not getting perfect A's across the board and there are 6 essays i have to write (3 for English and 3 for Humanities) and they are the make or break the A in the class essays and i don't even know what the hell i am doing or how to do the or anything bc i am not a literature analysis person at all and bills for medical stuff i it's mostly me being afraid, terrified, and obsessive with failure and freaked out bc i don't know what the hell i want to do with grad school and i kinda don't wanna go at all and i generally want to hide under a rock or run away on a horse or something and i am stressed and scared and i hate myself bc i am not thin like i wanna be and i know that is unrelated but i have a problem with my self image and it really affects me when i am in these "off" moods where i am excessive fearful, paranoid, anxiety, and want to run away from life bc i am tired of participating in it and i'm generally freaked out and scared and i never admit that i am scared and part of me knows "everything will work out, let it go, relax, breathe deep, there's nothing to fear but fear itself, worrying about the GRE or grad school or even this semesters grades isn't the end of the world and isn't necessary" and it's like i know all of these things, i KNOW them, but there is a terrible disconnect, like two halves inside of me, and one side knows it and the other side freaks out and is overly emotional and like a scared little girl for some reason and kinda sorta having a small breakdown in functioning while the other side is getting pissed about her weakness and stuff. i'm approaching that familiar place where my mind decides it cannot process stuff anymore and shuts down totally. it did that last March and i ended up in the hospital for a minute. i'm not letting that happen this time around. i cannot frikin afford it for one.

and i need to make a dentist appt. my fucking jaw is killing me. but don't wanna spend the $$ on him. or take the time from studying for finals and lose a day of work bc i have to drive in, get my jaw f-ed with, and then be drugged up.

JOURNAL" Agitated Depression

stress is a trigger for me being nuts. so at the moment, i am stressed the fuck out. freaking out in a paranoid fashion about everything. can't concentrate, can't make sense of the words i read in my books. everything is foreign and i am detached. i am in the "low" part of the cycle, so it's pretty much "clinical depression". but i don't have regular depressive episodes like a unipolar depressed person would. instead i have "agitated depression" which is like normal depression but you have some elements of mania mixed in, so i am an explosive nut job who wigs out and stuff and i can be elated one second over something stupid, then burst into tears and not want to live, and then be on a crzy rampage to take over the world. but there is an underlying melancholy, which is what differs this from mania. there are other things too, like incredible impulsiveness, aggression, snap like a twig, freak the holy fuck out, panic, everything in the brain is running at hyper speed and my various voices of my various "selves" each have competing ideas and they rage back and forth at each other and then i'm sitting here watching myself be an idiot, not study, waste time, and i put so much pressure and self loathing on myself and another part of me wants to quit school altogether and part of me doesn't want to participate in this life at all, i won't off myself, but i sure as hell don't want to be here doing this. i don't want to be here doing anything really. screw it all. and etc etc etc. hard to explain. but having all of this inside of me is making school study VERY FUCKING DIFFICULT. then i want to leave the house and go find some sex and have a good time. my god i am so horny it takes every thing in me to not go over to a places where i could get some relief bc in my heart of hearts i don't want to do that bc my stupid heart is somewhere else waiting for another person which is stupid bc it's not like i know for sure that will end up working out again or not so it's like i am holding back bc my emotions and heart don't really want just something else that is detached and meaningless bc then i want to bitch slap that person i am with bc i don't want that, i want more, i want meaning and then of course there are my hormones and whatever else raging through my body, making me quiver at the thought of being touched, and they are screaming at me to go get some good physical sex.

JOURNAL: a wee out of control

if i were a fly to follow me around and watch my behavior when i am losing it from stress and in a mixed state, i swear to god i would probably laugh so hard i could no longer fly. seriously. i'man idiot when i get like this. i walk around saying things our loud. cursing at a door, cutting people off, shoulder checking folks in a crowd, throwing my stuff. kicking things. more cursing, twitching and throwing my hands, grunting, more cursing, talking out loud abut how stupid something is, with cursing, glaring people down for walking too close to me, having staring contests with people i pass in the hall and making sure i win, then flinching in their direction to show dominance, etc etc etc i think you get the picture. i was in class and banging on m head, tapping away with my fingers, shifting in my seat, tapping my boot on the ground, cursing under my breath, flinging the charger cord for my laptop bc it didn't unwind properly for me, getting pissed off at it, throwing my hands in the air... you get the idea. i am an out of control bitch. and this is me trying really hard to control it.

the demon gets set lose and rampages through my body. he is an evil black orb wrecking havoc on my motions, entering my amygdala and frontolimbic system and tearing it up, clogging the neurons so i cannot regulate my emotions or actions, i lose my inhibitions and no longer have concern for socially acceptable behavior... and act like a raving moron. devious and impatient. i can't stand still, i can't focus. and i hate everything. the stress of "me" trying to stop the evil demon and regain control over my brain is tremendous. i see what i am doing and i know not how to stop it. the things i do cause such a pain from the internal dissociation between what i want and what this black cloud is doing to my body. my options to kill the darkness that has invaded my veins... bleed him out or dope him up. today i chose Ativan to dope him up. i am calmer and seem to be thinking more clear. this is good.

now i am going to go back to study. even though just below the seemingly studious surface, the battle between good and evil is raging and taking an emotional tool on my mind and the stress and cortisol must be tearing apart my physical body at the same time. i suspect a lot of my physical ailments are a result of the strain and stress my brain is put through. Stress increases cortisol and lowers the immune system. it's not a far fetched thought. the larger issues, such as with my gut, i suspect are partially if not all conversion disorder. it's a real ailment and a real pain... but the only way to fix it is to cure the stress and emotional war that is causing it. much easier said than done.

JOURNAL: forcing myself

i stayed up until 2am last night. then i awoke at 3 and was up until 4:30 with a pain in my stomach. damn these health problems! i had a moron of a GI doctor that i met with yesterday. he wouldn't/couldn't explain to me if the allergy panel showing an allergy to "wheat" meant; was it just the proteins found in wheat only, or was it gluten, and then as such all the other proteins like gluten that are found in the barley, oats, rye, etc. all this man was concerned with was doing the colonoscopy and the endoscopy. which cost $$. which i don't have to waste. especially if the answer if going to be, "you are allergic to wheat"... which is exactly what i already know.

i have realized that the quality of my posts has been deteriorating for quite some time. i have been using this mostly as a ranting forum and it isn't benefiting others. and i feel bad that i am not offering insights or other things worth reading by others. is it wrong that i am hard on myself for putting up low quality posts? i mean i don't technically have a responsibility to provide anything on here, this blog should be for my own personal venting and writing therapy, and even at that i have turned it in to another responsibility i have to fulfill. this is another illustration of the duality of my mind. the drill sergeant versus the "normal" person. will they ever meet up one day? honestly, probably not. it's my nature, part of my personality. ever since i was a little kid. i believe it may be helpful for me to be aware of the conflicting ideas and motives in my head, hopefully the awareness will help facilitate weaving these two selves together into one healthy functioning adult. meh. i can try anyhow.

last night on House M.D., one of the characters committed suicide. nobody saw it coming. the character had portrayed himself as a well adjusted (although he had overcome a lot of troubles and issues in his life) successful doctor. he always seemed to be zealous about living life. curious and funny, and excited doing his job. and then he kills himself. the troubles he was having, the inner torment, was hidden from all, even his close colleagues. he suffered silently. i was really able to identify this character. people that know me, when i tell them i have bipolar disorder, they do not believe me. they say, "nothing is wrong with you", etc. it pisses me off that they dare to think they know me so well as to tell me what is or isn't going on within myself. how arrogant to assume they can make a diagnosis without any training or real knowledge (aside from what may be portrayed in the media, etc.) about the subject matter. let alone never having taken a trip inside my mind to see what exactly is going on in there. duh. seriously people.

i went off track... what i was trying to say, is that maybe some people in the audience of the show last night would not get how he must have felt on the inside and why he wouldn't have reached out... but i really did. the empathy was so strong as though this character was a real colleague of mine. in some ways, i saw myself. the issues he had, he was open about (watching his birth parents get shot, and being adopted at a young age), such as i am open about the "bipolar" and other things i struggle with. but despite the "openness", which led others to believe they knew all that was going on with the person, there was a much deeper and darker place within that was shielded from view. his openness of issues lulled the people in his life into a false sense of security believing they knew all about him. nobody probed any further. i feel this way. and i found it interesting that this same scenario was displayed on a tv show. i appreciated in it a way. i am open about the "issues" and things i struggle with. i describe them to people as best as i can, but when i do, i leave out the theatrics and drama of it. i keep it simple, generally emotionless, and pretty factual. i am able to make crack about it, poke fun at myself, and make light of the situation. and when i do try to explain in more detail the specifics of my mind, the extent of horror is never quite properly conveyed.

while this is helpful for everyday functioning, it can be harmful in a couple of ways. for one, the psychiatrists don't see the extent of my disorder bc i have become a master at wrapping this whole thing up in a pretty little package with an innocent bow on top. second, the people in my life don't really get how screwed up i am.

that last sentence is slightly misleading. i am a screwed up person who has it all together. i don't know if that makes much sense. allow me to try to explain... while i have the deep issues now and again of being generally tormented with trying to balance the disordered shit in my head, i am not the usual run of the mill "idiot". i have my shit together. i do not act like an idiot in interpersonal relationships. i am not screwed up in that manner. if that makes any sense. it's the the crazy shit that fucks me up. and even when i do stupid shit or think things all wrong or am all messed up in one psych crazy way or another, most of the time, i can see exactly what i am doing form a psychological perspective. sometimes i can correct this crappy behavior, but other times the crazies have control over me and i sit in the back of my head and watch and lecture the crazy side of me and do a relatively good job of hiding the crazy and not making a total ass out of myself.

HOUSE: and NAMI

this link makes me smile. i love House M.D. and here, they have shirts where the proceeds got to NAMI. i dig this.


http://www.nbcuniversalstore.com/index.php?v=usa_house_charitytees

JOURNAL: still shitty

i picked up my meds yesterday. i'm going back on the Lamictal 200mg and the Prozac 20mg (which i may take up to 40mg). anyhoo... obviously there isn't any change since last night. i have the "i want to die" impulse today a couple times. that's always a bucket load of fun. it was small disagreements with mom and stress about my health and what tests should be done or not done bc of the expense. i took Ativan (1.5mg) and went to the doctor where i met an idiot GI specialist. all he wants is the $$ from scoping my bum and tummy. so i'l going to wait on that. bastard. then mom and i had a tiff over something else, she was being high strung and talking and wanting to get things cleaned up and just in a hyper anxious mood herself and that set me off and i went down hill. i broke an old razor and cut just a little, nothing big like i normally do. it bored me. it didn't help me any. so i quit doing it. i am retardedly tired today. i have been for a while (hence the GI stuff and everything) all i want to do is sleep. my god i don't give a shit about school at all. there's still the good girl hiding inside and she knows how bad i will be for my psych well being if i slack off this school. so she is working so hard o force the rest of me into compliance but god i am so fucking tired. i just want to lay in bed. i don't want to move. i don't want to get up, i don't want anything. just to be left the hell alone. i'm exhausted. and my concentration is in the crapper. i just don't need anything in front of me that "has" to get done. god damn. see, now i'm crying. i'm so sad of this. tired of it. tired of feeling this way, and hell, i don't even have something to be "depressed" over. like there isn't anything cognitive that happened to me that i am depressed by. no loss of anyone or anything. if anything, good things have been added into my life, and i really am thankful for the things that have been added, and i hate myself for still being this weird form of physically "depressed" when i have so much to not be depressed about. i hate being this tired. my god i want to fucking cry like a baby. i'm tired of fighting my body. school is killing me. seriously killing me. i'm so miserable. i am very unhappy. and it drives me crazy when i am like this bc i can look at what i am doing and i know what to say to myself and everything but it doesn't do any good. i'm stuck. and if anyone tried to give me the generic advice and other BS i will brain them. which is why i don't talk to anyone about it because i know they won't get it.

i don't wan to do school. i don't care about it. i don't want to. and i have to. but i am so tired and cannot concentrate. it makes me so sad to feel so trapped and unhappy. and sad and fairly miserable. all i want to do is stay in bed and sleep. i hate when people ask what's wrong, because then i try to tell them, they get the wrong idea, and then they think i'm just being a typical "depress" idiot. they don't get it that when i get depressed, it's straight up clinical depression. it's not a mild case of the "blues". but mine is mixed with other bipolar stuff so it's not so clear cut and i do take drugs (caffeine and ativan and vicodin and oxycodone) to help navigate through the day so i have assistance from those sources to either stay awake, or stay calm so i don't kill anyone. all i want to do is cry. i'm tired of my belly hurting too. i'm tired of everything in life. i'm tired of life. and in the end, there isn't any point to it. and i don't care. the only thing i can get myself out of the house to do is to go ride horses or to polo practice. i hate everything else. i don't want to go. i hate people. i hate everything. and i'm crying again bc i hate when i am this miserable. and overwhelmed from school. god i need to sit typing this stupid shit here and do something productive. and get school stuff taken care of. i think i am going to punish myself tonight and make myself stay up until 5am, then sleep from 5-7am, so i can get caught up. i hate myself for slacking. god i hate myself. so much.

what i hate more than anything... is when someone tells me some "words of wisdom" and to try to help me up so to speak. i want to fucking hit them. they have got it all wrong. fucking idiots. it's not a matter of just turning my frown upside down. i mean, to a point it is, and i do try, and i do smile a lot and i am thaknful for the good things, but i fucked up my meds and this is me paying the price. it's not like i am just "letting things get to me". when morons don't understand and just say "quit letting it all get to you" i want to kick them in their fucking mouth. i don't want your opinions or advice! no, i really don't! i give myself my own good therapy shit and i don't need someone who has no clue of what is going on in my head to fucking "help" me with cliche shit that is just fucking dumb. oh my hell. idiots. stupid text message. i don't even want to respond to that. this is why i hate talking to people about things. there's only a few people i will talk to, bc the rest of them, like this moron, don't get me, they don't understand that i am very good at working it through my head and that i don't need anything "told" to me. occasionally i may need to rest my head on a shoulder figuratively speaking, but i don't need coaching to get through it. i'm not weak or a lost little girl. and then when people who don't get me try to give me that guidance wisdom shit, i get pissed, bc it's all pretty much dumb what they have to say. and now in additiona to being sad, i am pissed the frik off at a frined of mine for being stupid. i know i know, he was only trying to help. but come fucking on people. is it really that hard to know me? and to know what to do or say in situations when i am like this? hell i had a conversation with my mom the other day, and i had told her stuff and she didn't really say anything back and i said something to her... long story short, she said that she knows i don't need her to share any wisdom with me or help guide me along bc i already know what i am going to do and what i should do. i don't need to be sheltered or taken care of like that. she knows i need to vent every now and then, and she lets me do that without taking anything i say to heart or being offended. she really understands me in that way. so does Jeremiah. that silly pooper. when i'm mad and we talk, usually it ends with me laughing and truly feeling better. not bc of anything he said or did, but just him being him, and me being me, and us having one of our goofy conversations. but i hate calling him up being in a down mood bc he lives in another state and i don't see him face to face that much and i like our time "together" to be filled with the good stuff we can share with each other. i don't want to be a burden or something like that. i like to make the people around me happy if and when possible.

and now thinking about him has put me in a slightly better mood. although... i still don't want to do homework at all. fuck school. and crap, now i am back to hating myself. awesome. and i have decided to ignore the text from my friend. i know he means well.... but i am not going to deal with that right now. i don't want to. it pisses me off. and he won't understand, so there isn't any point. just going to let that stupid shit go. i have no desire to do anyhting with school, but before i went in to the doctor office today i stopped, looked at my truck, decided it was too messy, and cleaned the hell out of it, reorganized things behind the seat in the shelves back there, folder the extra sweatshirt, cleaned out the center consol, my purse, etc etc etc. i did a number on it. totally compulsive for organization with it. and ... i don't care to do school work.

I FUCKING HATE MY LOSER ASS SELF RIGHT NOW FOR BEING SUCH A PATHETIC BUM.

JOURNAL: food, sleep, repeat.

all i want to do is eat and sleep. then eat then sleep. my brain feels like it is in a fog and disconnected form the rest of me. and i am trying to read for school but i am foggy and i cannot think properly. this pisses me off quite a bit. and then i think fine, what else could i do... and the answer is: EAT. my god. i'm gaining weight (thanks Mr. Mirror for showing me that) so i can't eat more, i need to eat less. i hope once i get back on the Prozac the serotonin will help decease the incessant appetite. that does work by the way. i leanred all about that in my biopsych class. i don't feel like explaining it right now though. i am very sleepy. okay i think i am either going to try to work on school... or take a nap. i cannot be sure.

JOURNAL: "depressed"

i don't even have the drive to write this really. but i don't have anyone to talk to either. there may be one or two people to talk to, but, i am too stubborn to do that. for a variety of reasons, either i am pissed at them, they have a lot going on in their lives and i don't want to dump on them, or i am too stubborn to open up and show my ultimate weak side. it's whatever. so i have this, this stupid little online thing i do. woooweee how special. and i'm still doing it bc i don't have anyone fucking else to talk to.

where to start? how about me hating me. me hating life. me not seeing any fucking point in life. me not having interest in school.me hating school. me not wanting to do a damn thing. me being sick. me being fat. me hating me. it's all so generic sounding. which makes me hate myself a little more actually. i'm just another whiny wimp. awesome.

but before it gets to this part, there is a lot of me making myself do stuff to do it and everything. i force so much on myself that i need to do and my responsibilities and almost always i can see a fucking reason for it and i have a purpose and so i fight for it. like with my school stuff, i haven't had motivation for a while now. and i keep going to class, doing my work, trying hard, etc etc etc.

this is the dumbest shit i have ever written here. i can't explain everything that is in my mind. i can't. i don't have the energy. it won't all make sense, and the coolest part, it won't make any fucking difference. it really won't. i want to cut myself up right now, but i don't have the energy to go find my dull razors that won't work that well anyhow. i want to end things. i really do. but i won't. i'm too much of a pussy. even though everything is hopeless and the world is mostly a shitty place filled with shitty people (that isn't me being "depressed", that's me being my normal slightly cynical self who isn't a bubble-headed optimist and sees the world for what it is) is still have hope and the desire to make it not so. i have always been like this. nothing is ever "hopeless" in my eyes. i always keep trying. and that's why i haven't offed myself yet. this is actually the first time i admitted it to anyone, admitted that the reason i haven't done it yet is because of the fact i am a huge pussy. i usually blame it on my mom and how upset she would. which is actually part of the equation bc if i didn't have her and didn't think that it would upset her, then yeah, i would much more prone to doing shit to myself.

i keep coming back to writing this. i can't put down in to word the amount of internal pain i feel. it hurts in my chest. it come as real physical pain. my mind freaks out because it is trapped in abox that seems to grow progressively smaller. the world is bleak and empty, holding nothing but suffering for me. i don't have anything in it, save my little doggie laying next to me right now. nothing else. school, sure there's school and the fact i can be smart, but what does that do? i am so out of it that i don't even care about school anymore. i know i should, underneath the despair there is a part of me, a part of myself, that remains yelling at the rest of me to get my lame ass in gear and get moving bc it knows how sad i will be if i don't finish school well, and that part of me is growing tired and losing more and more battles and i don't want to do anything anymore. i don't care about anything any more. i don't. i really don't give a shit. and i will never admit this to anyone openly. it's weak. and that small part of me that won't give up has too much pride to admit to others how i am feelings. bc it is weak. i hate being trapped in my mind so much that i take the Rx pain drugs to knock it out of myself. to make it "go away" for just a little bit. bc when it is there in full force, i don't want to live. not at all. i want to run away. and i have nowhere to run to. i hate myself. i hate living. i hate getting up each day. i sometimes even hate my mom. for no reason really, except that she kinda can suck at the whole supportive thing. it's not meant from her in a bad way, she'd do anything for me, but she just sucks at dealing with me when i am out of my head. and right now, yeah, lets say.... i am out of my head. and i hate that. i don't want to be here. i'm almost out of my oxy drugs. i took a pill, and i only have 2 left. that sucks. bc once those are gone... i don't know what i am going to do.

JOURNAL: my GI issues and me being symptomatic and off

(another ramble)

i spoke with the twat nurse at the doc office and asked her again what i can and cannot have (the first time she included grains, etc and was more elaborate but more confusing and vague). this time she said "wheat, nuts, seeds" and that i can eat corn and rice. she was really short with me and i don't like her and felt dumb so i quit asking her anything and hung up.

what pisses me off, is she should have said "gluten" and not wheat. i am not an idiot and can understand such a big word as "gluten". i looked it up, and either you are allergic to wheat and when you eat *any* you have anaphylaxis, OR you are gluten intolerant. i am obviously not experiencing anaphylactic shock, so my conclusion is that i am gluten intolerant. the dumb bitch should have said that so i can properly look at labels and stuff. idiot. i don't need this
"dumbed down" to be able to understand it.

second, how am i allergic/intolerant of all nuts? that doesn't make sense. see... there are diff type of nut allergies. peanuts and tree nuts are two common ones. and apparently i can't have either? hm. then there are seeds. who the hell is allergic to seeds? that is retarded.

*AND* how the hell is it possible to have all three of these pop up at once and i *not* have a celiac disease where i can't tolerate some stuff (bc i have read that celiac disease can have other things, such as corn or rice or nuts that also affect it like gluten affects it). she said the blood work was negative for celiac. now i wonder what blood test were don't for celiac? how reliable are they? i read the only way to for sure diagnose celiac is a small intestine biopsy...? it doesn't make any f-ing sense. should i get an endoscopy done and biopsy? it's expensive, which is why i don't want to. plus it's taking the idiot three days so far to get my stupid ass appt set up for an allergist. this whole thing doesn't make any sense. i hate things that don't make sense.

and yesterday i ate things i am "not" supposed to. so i made myself sicker. and i did it bc there wasn't anything else to eat and i refused to believe i can't eat so much shit. so i ate it anyways. and i pretty much want to kill someone with a hammer.

again... sorry for the rant.

i'm in a terrible place mentally. i'm all frikin whacked out. i ran out of Synthroid and haven't had the presence of mind to get more so my body circulation is all shitty again and it's so frustrating to have my hands feel so puffy and pressurized and tingly in my hands and feet and it almost hurts. and i am mentally "off" and i need to get back on the meds but i'm at the point where i'm kinda screwed up and am having a hard time getting that back on track and i am miserable. and i refuse to tell anyone bc i hate being weak. i hate being weak. i won't do it. i won't show it. hell last night i was totally miserable and evil and had rage and the other crazy things coursing through my veins and i sat there and socialized just well on FB with Justin. before that, AJ was over to watch Scrubs for "Scrub night" which we have with my sister. he is awfully tolerant of me, and so when i am in shitty moods like that, he is okay with me being whiny and he does stupid things to try to cheer me up. and he lets me vent and take shit out on him and is okay with me being a temperamental ass. this is helpful. but still, i keep so much of it hidden from sight bc i refuse to admit thing like that to people. i hate myself when i am a whiny idiot. or have nothing to say but "down" stuff. or negative stuff. or stuff that isn't positive. so i fake it and pretend and don't even admit to myself that i am a rage filled explosive insane person who wants to kill people and is totally miserable in her own skin bc she hates feeling that way and doesn't have a method to escape except to wait for "time" to pass bc like bipolar is, it is a cycle and this particular phase will pass and the biggest bitch about it is that there isn't any psychotherapy that will do any good bc it isn't cognitive, it's chemical and that pisses me off bc it's beyond my direct control. there are some things i can do and i do the calming things, and eliminate as much stress as i can bc that is a trigger and will exacerbate things, etc etc etc

i am rambling. sorry again. blah. thank you for listening though. i appreciate it very much.