JOURNAL" Agitated Depression

stress is a trigger for me being nuts. so at the moment, i am stressed the fuck out. freaking out in a paranoid fashion about everything. can't concentrate, can't make sense of the words i read in my books. everything is foreign and i am detached. i am in the "low" part of the cycle, so it's pretty much "clinical depression". but i don't have regular depressive episodes like a unipolar depressed person would. instead i have "agitated depression" which is like normal depression but you have some elements of mania mixed in, so i am an explosive nut job who wigs out and stuff and i can be elated one second over something stupid, then burst into tears and not want to live, and then be on a crzy rampage to take over the world. but there is an underlying melancholy, which is what differs this from mania. there are other things too, like incredible impulsiveness, aggression, snap like a twig, freak the holy fuck out, panic, everything in the brain is running at hyper speed and my various voices of my various "selves" each have competing ideas and they rage back and forth at each other and then i'm sitting here watching myself be an idiot, not study, waste time, and i put so much pressure and self loathing on myself and another part of me wants to quit school altogether and part of me doesn't want to participate in this life at all, i won't off myself, but i sure as hell don't want to be here doing this. i don't want to be here doing anything really. screw it all. and etc etc etc. hard to explain. but having all of this inside of me is making school study VERY FUCKING DIFFICULT. then i want to leave the house and go find some sex and have a good time. my god i am so horny it takes every thing in me to not go over to a places where i could get some relief bc in my heart of hearts i don't want to do that bc my stupid heart is somewhere else waiting for another person which is stupid bc it's not like i know for sure that will end up working out again or not so it's like i am holding back bc my emotions and heart don't really want just something else that is detached and meaningless bc then i want to bitch slap that person i am with bc i don't want that, i want more, i want meaning and then of course there are my hormones and whatever else raging through my body, making me quiver at the thought of being touched, and they are screaming at me to go get some good physical sex.