JOURNAL: bad day

i don't know why. my brain isn't functioning. i'm not thinking and having a hell of a time comprehending the words on the pages of my book. and i put too much pressure on myself to get perfect grades bc i'm obsessive and i know it' not good to do that but i cannot stop myself no matter how hard i have tried, and then i think about grad school and freak out again bc i am scared i'm making the wrong program choice and part of me doesn't want to go at all bc i'm scared of failure, like i am scared of failure in this semester by not getting perfect A's across the board and there are 6 essays i have to write (3 for English and 3 for Humanities) and they are the make or break the A in the class essays and i don't even know what the hell i am doing or how to do the or anything bc i am not a literature analysis person at all and bills for medical stuff i it's mostly me being afraid, terrified, and obsessive with failure and freaked out bc i don't know what the hell i want to do with grad school and i kinda don't wanna go at all and i generally want to hide under a rock or run away on a horse or something and i am stressed and scared and i hate myself bc i am not thin like i wanna be and i know that is unrelated but i have a problem with my self image and it really affects me when i am in these "off" moods where i am excessive fearful, paranoid, anxiety, and want to run away from life bc i am tired of participating in it and i'm generally freaked out and scared and i never admit that i am scared and part of me knows "everything will work out, let it go, relax, breathe deep, there's nothing to fear but fear itself, worrying about the GRE or grad school or even this semesters grades isn't the end of the world and isn't necessary" and it's like i know all of these things, i KNOW them, but there is a terrible disconnect, like two halves inside of me, and one side knows it and the other side freaks out and is overly emotional and like a scared little girl for some reason and kinda sorta having a small breakdown in functioning while the other side is getting pissed about her weakness and stuff. i'm approaching that familiar place where my mind decides it cannot process stuff anymore and shuts down totally. it did that last March and i ended up in the hospital for a minute. i'm not letting that happen this time around. i cannot frikin afford it for one.

and i need to make a dentist appt. my fucking jaw is killing me. but don't wanna spend the $$ on him. or take the time from studying for finals and lose a day of work bc i have to drive in, get my jaw f-ed with, and then be drugged up.