JOURNAL: "depressed"

i don't even have the drive to write this really. but i don't have anyone to talk to either. there may be one or two people to talk to, but, i am too stubborn to do that. for a variety of reasons, either i am pissed at them, they have a lot going on in their lives and i don't want to dump on them, or i am too stubborn to open up and show my ultimate weak side. it's whatever. so i have this, this stupid little online thing i do. woooweee how special. and i'm still doing it bc i don't have anyone fucking else to talk to.

where to start? how about me hating me. me hating life. me not seeing any fucking point in life. me not having interest in school.me hating school. me not wanting to do a damn thing. me being sick. me being fat. me hating me. it's all so generic sounding. which makes me hate myself a little more actually. i'm just another whiny wimp. awesome.

but before it gets to this part, there is a lot of me making myself do stuff to do it and everything. i force so much on myself that i need to do and my responsibilities and almost always i can see a fucking reason for it and i have a purpose and so i fight for it. like with my school stuff, i haven't had motivation for a while now. and i keep going to class, doing my work, trying hard, etc etc etc.

this is the dumbest shit i have ever written here. i can't explain everything that is in my mind. i can't. i don't have the energy. it won't all make sense, and the coolest part, it won't make any fucking difference. it really won't. i want to cut myself up right now, but i don't have the energy to go find my dull razors that won't work that well anyhow. i want to end things. i really do. but i won't. i'm too much of a pussy. even though everything is hopeless and the world is mostly a shitty place filled with shitty people (that isn't me being "depressed", that's me being my normal slightly cynical self who isn't a bubble-headed optimist and sees the world for what it is) is still have hope and the desire to make it not so. i have always been like this. nothing is ever "hopeless" in my eyes. i always keep trying. and that's why i haven't offed myself yet. this is actually the first time i admitted it to anyone, admitted that the reason i haven't done it yet is because of the fact i am a huge pussy. i usually blame it on my mom and how upset she would. which is actually part of the equation bc if i didn't have her and didn't think that it would upset her, then yeah, i would much more prone to doing shit to myself.

i keep coming back to writing this. i can't put down in to word the amount of internal pain i feel. it hurts in my chest. it come as real physical pain. my mind freaks out because it is trapped in abox that seems to grow progressively smaller. the world is bleak and empty, holding nothing but suffering for me. i don't have anything in it, save my little doggie laying next to me right now. nothing else. school, sure there's school and the fact i can be smart, but what does that do? i am so out of it that i don't even care about school anymore. i know i should, underneath the despair there is a part of me, a part of myself, that remains yelling at the rest of me to get my lame ass in gear and get moving bc it knows how sad i will be if i don't finish school well, and that part of me is growing tired and losing more and more battles and i don't want to do anything anymore. i don't care about anything any more. i don't. i really don't give a shit. and i will never admit this to anyone openly. it's weak. and that small part of me that won't give up has too much pride to admit to others how i am feelings. bc it is weak. i hate being trapped in my mind so much that i take the Rx pain drugs to knock it out of myself. to make it "go away" for just a little bit. bc when it is there in full force, i don't want to live. not at all. i want to run away. and i have nowhere to run to. i hate myself. i hate living. i hate getting up each day. i sometimes even hate my mom. for no reason really, except that she kinda can suck at the whole supportive thing. it's not meant from her in a bad way, she'd do anything for me, but she just sucks at dealing with me when i am out of my head. and right now, yeah, lets say.... i am out of my head. and i hate that. i don't want to be here. i'm almost out of my oxy drugs. i took a pill, and i only have 2 left. that sucks. bc once those are gone... i don't know what i am going to do.