JOURNAL: Happy? Or not?

i did some thinking today, i was really thinking pretty darn hard.

and... i don't know if i am "happy". i mean, i have happy moments, and there are things in my life that i am thankful for, and i know i am lucky and i generally try to not complain and i am a smart girl, i have my general health, i have a roof over my head, etc etc etc. i'm totally okay with things that have happened in my past, i like the person i am, who i have become. i get to ride almost every day of the week, i am very thankful for that, my family, my little puppy, etc etc etc.

but, when i ask myself, "are you HAPPY?", i don't get an answer. i won't allow myself to say "no" because that is "weak" (and if you have read my blog before, you know darn well how much i hate being a weak person), but i won't lie to myself either. so i don' give an answer. and to protect myself from the thought of not being "happy", i jump into rationalization mode and try my hardest to convince myself that i *AM* happy, and to list the ways in which i am such.

HOWEVER... this leaves me feeling empty. i know i don't have a good reason to not be "happy". i feel so guilty for not being "happy". shit... i have to tell someone, so i am telling my blog, that i am not happy. i am a littl eupset with myself for not being happy. in fact, i am so hell bent and determined to be a happy and well cognitively fucnitoning person that i don't accept myself to not be happy. that is not an option. i have all of the right cognitive patterns and processes to be a happy and healthy individual. and when i start to get "down" i bust them out and cheer myself right up. i follow the motions anyhow. and i tell my self i am happy. and i don't let myself swell, and i sure as hell don't publicize the dwellings to anyone else, bc then i am being WEAK and stupid and i know all of the things i would tell me if i were someone else, and so then i tell self those thigns, and then i tell myself i am all better... but still, inside, i am numb. nothing. empty. kinda like a shell.

i do not know what this is from. i do not know how to correct it. i am actually quite confused by it. well... sorta not. there i go again, it's like i know i should be "confused" and "surprised" by the new found feeling of nothingness... but i'm not. i kinda don't give a crap. which is weird. but i really don't care. the only reason i care enough to write it down here is bc i am telling myself to be a good girl and record things that go on in my head bc it turns out to be helpful down the road. that's all i am doing it for really. and in a way so i can tell SOMEONE... without actually telling anyone. bc there isn't a good reason to be so non-happy. hell, nobody would guess it. i went to the baseball game for college today to raise $$ for the polo team i am on, and i was a smiling outgoing goofy person, having fun and generally cheerful and silly. yet inside... there is NOTHING. numb. nada. zilch. zippo. but damn if i am not good at faking it. i can fake it all day. once i am alone though... it all fades away into nothingness. super. special. spectacular.

h well. i know i should care, but i will admit, i kinda like not caring. it's easier to not care as much. a lot easier. i mean, there are still things i care about, but i am systematically stmaping those out. those last remenants of feelings are being killed off little by little as they crop up. it's taking time... but... in due course i will be like a robot. is it perfectly healthy? naw, not really. do i care? nope. it works for me. it allows me to function. to do school work. to get smart. etc etc etc. those things i MUST do. sometimes... i don't care about that stuff. sometimes i feel like i am not going anywhere at all. going nowhere fast. which is better the nowhere slow. but still... nowhere. circles. nothingness. i am not totally dead inside, i know that for a fact, i was just looking at a friend's photos of her family (husband, daughter and new baby boy) and i started to cry. they have the love and family and relationships i want. she is so lucky. she lives in another state and i don't see her often at all... but i know they dynamic she and her husband have, and it's wonderful. there is so much love in that family. you can see it in their photos and their faces. and it made me cry. i guess it's my maternal hormones or whatever. i'm just a month and a half away from turning 25... so i guess... maybe it's the maternal-time-clock-thing. i don't know. maybe it's lonlieness. the lonliness that i sometimes feel that i won't allow myself to feel or admit to myself that i feel. as soon as it creeps in i drive it out like a mad woman bc feeling that is a form of weakness, and as we all know i am obsessed with being STRONG. there isn't any other alternative for me. MUST BE STRONG. ALWAYS.

i need to stop obsessing over that. i know this. but i don't kow how to make myself. and in some ways... i don't want to. if i were to be a little softer, then i am opening myself up for more hurt. and that i cannot do. so it's toughness all the way.