JOURNAL: my GI issues and me being symptomatic and off

(another ramble)

i spoke with the twat nurse at the doc office and asked her again what i can and cannot have (the first time she included grains, etc and was more elaborate but more confusing and vague). this time she said "wheat, nuts, seeds" and that i can eat corn and rice. she was really short with me and i don't like her and felt dumb so i quit asking her anything and hung up.

what pisses me off, is she should have said "gluten" and not wheat. i am not an idiot and can understand such a big word as "gluten". i looked it up, and either you are allergic to wheat and when you eat *any* you have anaphylaxis, OR you are gluten intolerant. i am obviously not experiencing anaphylactic shock, so my conclusion is that i am gluten intolerant. the dumb bitch should have said that so i can properly look at labels and stuff. idiot. i don't need this
"dumbed down" to be able to understand it.

second, how am i allergic/intolerant of all nuts? that doesn't make sense. see... there are diff type of nut allergies. peanuts and tree nuts are two common ones. and apparently i can't have either? hm. then there are seeds. who the hell is allergic to seeds? that is retarded.

*AND* how the hell is it possible to have all three of these pop up at once and i *not* have a celiac disease where i can't tolerate some stuff (bc i have read that celiac disease can have other things, such as corn or rice or nuts that also affect it like gluten affects it). she said the blood work was negative for celiac. now i wonder what blood test were don't for celiac? how reliable are they? i read the only way to for sure diagnose celiac is a small intestine biopsy...? it doesn't make any f-ing sense. should i get an endoscopy done and biopsy? it's expensive, which is why i don't want to. plus it's taking the idiot three days so far to get my stupid ass appt set up for an allergist. this whole thing doesn't make any sense. i hate things that don't make sense.

and yesterday i ate things i am "not" supposed to. so i made myself sicker. and i did it bc there wasn't anything else to eat and i refused to believe i can't eat so much shit. so i ate it anyways. and i pretty much want to kill someone with a hammer.

again... sorry for the rant.

i'm in a terrible place mentally. i'm all frikin whacked out. i ran out of Synthroid and haven't had the presence of mind to get more so my body circulation is all shitty again and it's so frustrating to have my hands feel so puffy and pressurized and tingly in my hands and feet and it almost hurts. and i am mentally "off" and i need to get back on the meds but i'm at the point where i'm kinda screwed up and am having a hard time getting that back on track and i am miserable. and i refuse to tell anyone bc i hate being weak. i hate being weak. i won't do it. i won't show it. hell last night i was totally miserable and evil and had rage and the other crazy things coursing through my veins and i sat there and socialized just well on FB with Justin. before that, AJ was over to watch Scrubs for "Scrub night" which we have with my sister. he is awfully tolerant of me, and so when i am in shitty moods like that, he is okay with me being whiny and he does stupid things to try to cheer me up. and he lets me vent and take shit out on him and is okay with me being a temperamental ass. this is helpful. but still, i keep so much of it hidden from sight bc i refuse to admit thing like that to people. i hate myself when i am a whiny idiot. or have nothing to say but "down" stuff. or negative stuff. or stuff that isn't positive. so i fake it and pretend and don't even admit to myself that i am a rage filled explosive insane person who wants to kill people and is totally miserable in her own skin bc she hates feeling that way and doesn't have a method to escape except to wait for "time" to pass bc like bipolar is, it is a cycle and this particular phase will pass and the biggest bitch about it is that there isn't any psychotherapy that will do any good bc it isn't cognitive, it's chemical and that pisses me off bc it's beyond my direct control. there are some things i can do and i do the calming things, and eliminate as much stress as i can bc that is a trigger and will exacerbate things, etc etc etc

i am rambling. sorry again. blah. thank you for listening though. i appreciate it very much.