"i need to vent to someone that won't just placate me and say stupidly empty nice things"
"srsly. i have gotten fat. i hate myself. i am disgusting. i hate myself. i am disgusting. oh and btw, did i mention that i hate myself??? yeah. bc i pretty much do. god dammit i am fucking pissed off. and full of self loathing. and stressed about this fucking English essay, which.... it's just gay. and today i forgot but i have to go to a UofL baseball game and volunteer for a polo fundraiser and serve grilled food and shit to people. when i am in a full on self loathing mode, guess what?? i am not a good candidate to be around people. NOT FUCKING AT ALL. it makes me panicked. i get paranoid. stressed, and basically a few screws come loose. AND that's right, i found out LAST NIGHT that there is a dress code for this fund bull shit. black pants and a white polo shirt. fantastic... except for the pants and shirt part. bc i don't own either of those things. what's that? what about my old work clothes you ask? oh yes, a good idea, however my ass is too fucking big to fit in them. fan-fucking-tastic. which leaves me in these god awful i can't zip them all the way up brown khaki bull shits that have been sprayed with water as i am sitting down to try to stretch them out. i want to kill someone. loathing every inch of myself. i am miserable. i hate being miserable. i want to cry."
so anyhow, i had sent this to my friend. and here is the response:
"Look here...you know I am not one to coddle anybody. So let's look at the facts:
1. So what?
2. It is controllable/reversible.
3. Too much Vicodin will do that to ya.
4. Take a deep breath and be happy that you are breathing on your own. That's more than some can say.
5. You GRADUATE in DEC!
6. You have sacraficed being in shape for #5. Not a bad sacrafice.
7. We can't have everything we want. That's one I'm still trying to figure out.
8. Get over it. If you wanna be in shape again you know what you have to do... right? It is not easy that's for sure.
9. You are stronger than this. Quit hating yourself. If you hate yourself how can you expect others to like/love you? Remember how transparent that shit is to people who pay attention.
10. I'm an evil bastard. No explanation necessary"
i really love his response. it was EXACTLY what i needed. it's the same rational stuff i tell myself, and exactly what i would tell someone else in my position who is complaining. and it really helps to hear it from a third person perspective. i can tell myself until i am blue in the face but i end up just chasing myself around in my head. hearing it from another person... really helps it sink in. i am thankful to have him in my life to help me out and for me to talk to. it may not seem like much... but it really does help me.
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