JOURNAL: still shitty

i picked up my meds yesterday. i'm going back on the Lamictal 200mg and the Prozac 20mg (which i may take up to 40mg). anyhoo... obviously there isn't any change since last night. i have the "i want to die" impulse today a couple times. that's always a bucket load of fun. it was small disagreements with mom and stress about my health and what tests should be done or not done bc of the expense. i took Ativan (1.5mg) and went to the doctor where i met an idiot GI specialist. all he wants is the $$ from scoping my bum and tummy. so i'l going to wait on that. bastard. then mom and i had a tiff over something else, she was being high strung and talking and wanting to get things cleaned up and just in a hyper anxious mood herself and that set me off and i went down hill. i broke an old razor and cut just a little, nothing big like i normally do. it bored me. it didn't help me any. so i quit doing it. i am retardedly tired today. i have been for a while (hence the GI stuff and everything) all i want to do is sleep. my god i don't give a shit about school at all. there's still the good girl hiding inside and she knows how bad i will be for my psych well being if i slack off this school. so she is working so hard o force the rest of me into compliance but god i am so fucking tired. i just want to lay in bed. i don't want to move. i don't want to get up, i don't want anything. just to be left the hell alone. i'm exhausted. and my concentration is in the crapper. i just don't need anything in front of me that "has" to get done. god damn. see, now i'm crying. i'm so sad of this. tired of it. tired of feeling this way, and hell, i don't even have something to be "depressed" over. like there isn't anything cognitive that happened to me that i am depressed by. no loss of anyone or anything. if anything, good things have been added into my life, and i really am thankful for the things that have been added, and i hate myself for still being this weird form of physically "depressed" when i have so much to not be depressed about. i hate being this tired. my god i want to fucking cry like a baby. i'm tired of fighting my body. school is killing me. seriously killing me. i'm so miserable. i am very unhappy. and it drives me crazy when i am like this bc i can look at what i am doing and i know what to say to myself and everything but it doesn't do any good. i'm stuck. and if anyone tried to give me the generic advice and other BS i will brain them. which is why i don't talk to anyone about it because i know they won't get it.

i don't wan to do school. i don't care about it. i don't want to. and i have to. but i am so tired and cannot concentrate. it makes me so sad to feel so trapped and unhappy. and sad and fairly miserable. all i want to do is stay in bed and sleep. i hate when people ask what's wrong, because then i try to tell them, they get the wrong idea, and then they think i'm just being a typical "depress" idiot. they don't get it that when i get depressed, it's straight up clinical depression. it's not a mild case of the "blues". but mine is mixed with other bipolar stuff so it's not so clear cut and i do take drugs (caffeine and ativan and vicodin and oxycodone) to help navigate through the day so i have assistance from those sources to either stay awake, or stay calm so i don't kill anyone. all i want to do is cry. i'm tired of my belly hurting too. i'm tired of everything in life. i'm tired of life. and in the end, there isn't any point to it. and i don't care. the only thing i can get myself out of the house to do is to go ride horses or to polo practice. i hate everything else. i don't want to go. i hate people. i hate everything. and i'm crying again bc i hate when i am this miserable. and overwhelmed from school. god i need to sit typing this stupid shit here and do something productive. and get school stuff taken care of. i think i am going to punish myself tonight and make myself stay up until 5am, then sleep from 5-7am, so i can get caught up. i hate myself for slacking. god i hate myself. so much.

what i hate more than anything... is when someone tells me some "words of wisdom" and to try to help me up so to speak. i want to fucking hit them. they have got it all wrong. fucking idiots. it's not a matter of just turning my frown upside down. i mean, to a point it is, and i do try, and i do smile a lot and i am thaknful for the good things, but i fucked up my meds and this is me paying the price. it's not like i am just "letting things get to me". when morons don't understand and just say "quit letting it all get to you" i want to kick them in their fucking mouth. i don't want your opinions or advice! no, i really don't! i give myself my own good therapy shit and i don't need someone who has no clue of what is going on in my head to fucking "help" me with cliche shit that is just fucking dumb. oh my hell. idiots. stupid text message. i don't even want to respond to that. this is why i hate talking to people about things. there's only a few people i will talk to, bc the rest of them, like this moron, don't get me, they don't understand that i am very good at working it through my head and that i don't need anything "told" to me. occasionally i may need to rest my head on a shoulder figuratively speaking, but i don't need coaching to get through it. i'm not weak or a lost little girl. and then when people who don't get me try to give me that guidance wisdom shit, i get pissed, bc it's all pretty much dumb what they have to say. and now in additiona to being sad, i am pissed the frik off at a frined of mine for being stupid. i know i know, he was only trying to help. but come fucking on people. is it really that hard to know me? and to know what to do or say in situations when i am like this? hell i had a conversation with my mom the other day, and i had told her stuff and she didn't really say anything back and i said something to her... long story short, she said that she knows i don't need her to share any wisdom with me or help guide me along bc i already know what i am going to do and what i should do. i don't need to be sheltered or taken care of like that. she knows i need to vent every now and then, and she lets me do that without taking anything i say to heart or being offended. she really understands me in that way. so does Jeremiah. that silly pooper. when i'm mad and we talk, usually it ends with me laughing and truly feeling better. not bc of anything he said or did, but just him being him, and me being me, and us having one of our goofy conversations. but i hate calling him up being in a down mood bc he lives in another state and i don't see him face to face that much and i like our time "together" to be filled with the good stuff we can share with each other. i don't want to be a burden or something like that. i like to make the people around me happy if and when possible.

and now thinking about him has put me in a slightly better mood. although... i still don't want to do homework at all. fuck school. and crap, now i am back to hating myself. awesome. and i have decided to ignore the text from my friend. i know he means well.... but i am not going to deal with that right now. i don't want to. it pisses me off. and he won't understand, so there isn't any point. just going to let that stupid shit go. i have no desire to do anyhting with school, but before i went in to the doctor office today i stopped, looked at my truck, decided it was too messy, and cleaned the hell out of it, reorganized things behind the seat in the shelves back there, folder the extra sweatshirt, cleaned out the center consol, my purse, etc etc etc. i did a number on it. totally compulsive for organization with it. and ... i don't care to do school work.

I FUCKING HATE MY LOSER ASS SELF RIGHT NOW FOR BEING SUCH A PATHETIC BUM.