JOURNAL: a wee out of control

if i were a fly to follow me around and watch my behavior when i am losing it from stress and in a mixed state, i swear to god i would probably laugh so hard i could no longer fly. seriously. i'man idiot when i get like this. i walk around saying things our loud. cursing at a door, cutting people off, shoulder checking folks in a crowd, throwing my stuff. kicking things. more cursing, twitching and throwing my hands, grunting, more cursing, talking out loud abut how stupid something is, with cursing, glaring people down for walking too close to me, having staring contests with people i pass in the hall and making sure i win, then flinching in their direction to show dominance, etc etc etc i think you get the picture. i was in class and banging on m head, tapping away with my fingers, shifting in my seat, tapping my boot on the ground, cursing under my breath, flinging the charger cord for my laptop bc it didn't unwind properly for me, getting pissed off at it, throwing my hands in the air... you get the idea. i am an out of control bitch. and this is me trying really hard to control it.

the demon gets set lose and rampages through my body. he is an evil black orb wrecking havoc on my motions, entering my amygdala and frontolimbic system and tearing it up, clogging the neurons so i cannot regulate my emotions or actions, i lose my inhibitions and no longer have concern for socially acceptable behavior... and act like a raving moron. devious and impatient. i can't stand still, i can't focus. and i hate everything. the stress of "me" trying to stop the evil demon and regain control over my brain is tremendous. i see what i am doing and i know not how to stop it. the things i do cause such a pain from the internal dissociation between what i want and what this black cloud is doing to my body. my options to kill the darkness that has invaded my veins... bleed him out or dope him up. today i chose Ativan to dope him up. i am calmer and seem to be thinking more clear. this is good.

now i am going to go back to study. even though just below the seemingly studious surface, the battle between good and evil is raging and taking an emotional tool on my mind and the stress and cortisol must be tearing apart my physical body at the same time. i suspect a lot of my physical ailments are a result of the strain and stress my brain is put through. Stress increases cortisol and lowers the immune system. it's not a far fetched thought. the larger issues, such as with my gut, i suspect are partially if not all conversion disorder. it's a real ailment and a real pain... but the only way to fix it is to cure the stress and emotional war that is causing it. much easier said than done.