wow, it's been forever since i have written! i was mildly doing better for most of the time, and busy with school, working with horses (theraputic as all get out) and working at Lowe's.
most of the time i have been doing mostly fairly well in fact. not perfect, for a while there actually i didn't write because i was sick off and on, and physically "depressed" without any energy, motivation, etc. so writing in th blog was out of the question for me!
when i logged back on this morning i was greeted by discovering i have 21 followers and i had 12 comments that needed to be moderated and approved. i read through each and every comment and i cannot tell you all how deeply touched i was by the things i read. the words of encouragement and everything else carry so much meaning for me. to know that i impact others in a positive way is so important to me. i cannot express how i feel with words. it brings tears to my eyes to know that i am successful in the one goal i set out for myself once i was diagnosed and started dealing with the disorder and that is to be able to take my experiences and help other people who are in the same boat as me. that's all i want, and it's what i need to give myself some sort of meaning with all of this. i am hell bent to find the good in this mess, and there is some right there in you all who read this, and let me know how it has been helpful to you in some way or another. i am so pleased and happy right now :)
the horses i groomed and took care of have gone to Main until September (with their owner) and i have swapped to working for Lwoe's full time (a minimum of 32 hours per week), and i am still in full time summer school. yes, i see this as possibly being a formula for disaster... but at this point i seriously do not have any other choice in the matter. i am not longer able to receive financial help from my mother (she doesn't have any more to give to wards my bills, although i do still have free room and board and food, so i am NOT complaining!) so i need to work for my fuel costs, medical costs (yikes, through the roof), bill, insurance, cell phone, etc. and since i turned 25 in June, i am no longer eligidible for insurance through my step-father's employer. crap. so, i need that full time employment status through Lowe's to get the health benefits. i am terribly thankful that i have the FT. techincally, i am not supposed to, i was hired on as a "part-time employee" because they did not have room for any more full time positions. but the sales manager there has worked with me before, knows i kick ass at anything i do in that place, especially admin and mgmt stuff, and he helped me out, spoke with the HR and told her to put me in as FT. when the operations manager found out i was full time, he was quite confused and surprised, but he went along with it!! i learned that it pays to be a kick ass employee and to do well by people because someday they may be in a position to really save your butt, and it's so much easier if they are willing to make a move without even being asked. i am so thankful for him doing that!!
thing is , the HR woman hasn't set up the insurance yet. and i am no longer covered by my previous insurance. SO... the big sucky thing here is that i need to pick up my Rx for Lamictal and i can't because Walmart is charging $350 for it. i'm in a bit of a pickle. i no way have that kind of money. and i was going to pick it up before the end of June but i totally screwed up and forgot... even though the stupid store is RIGHT NEXT To Lowe's. i'm a little ticked off at myself. and i am also all out of Lamictal. that's the one med i need to never run out off because i go all off the wall fairly quickly. i am a little nervous as to how this is going to go down for the next week or so, and my fingers are crossed. i am determined to keep it all together fairly well.
last night i started to get depressed again, and feeling like melting into my bedsheets and never being seen again, and so i took and extra 40mg of Prozac (my daily pill doseage is 40mg) and Ativan and went to sleepy time (after watching some episodes of Scrubs on my laptop). this morning i woke up (after sleeping 10 hrs) and took my usual morning mesds and i can feel the extra energy the Prozac gives. it's a good thing, and it has perked me up a bit. although my leg is jiggling and tapping at 283 miles per house. but that's okay. i'm up and somewhat alert (although still foggy... go figure) and going to try to do my German homework today. i have been falling behind in my studies due to lack of motivation and being overwhelmed with work and school as much as i have them.
like the Prozac has been going and i don't even want to take the time to fix food to eat. nothing sounds good to my appetite and i don't feel like waiting for oatmeal to cook. this is good actually... i have put on a few more pounds and that isn't good and makes me feel like crap really.
anyhoo... i'm not sure where i was going with all of that, just a general update of sorts. i will usually have the weekends off form work, and during the week go to school from 8-11:20, then work from 12-9. since i live an hour out in the country, i leave the house around 6:30 and come home about 10. it keeps me on my toes and busy as hell during the week. this is good too. mostly. i am lucky to not have a terribly stressful position and i have the freedom and flexibility at Lowe's to literally "hang out" and do what i want to do as i get the urge. more than one person has referred to me jokingly as the "Princess". which is sorts true... :) but it didn't come without hard work and putting in a lot of time and effort when i was a manager myself a few years ago. i'm so glad my ass kicking way back when is paying off now!! whew!!
my brain is pretty sensitive to the Lamictal doses and even when i skip one dose (i take it two times a day) i can feel it. it is my "stabilization" med and it does wonders for me. without it... well... i'm fairly unstable. but i do have my Ativan so i hope that will help things along here. i also have Lithium too that i haven't used in a while (because it makes me feel like shit) but... i may bust that out if i need to.
well i need to try and study, i am fairly certain that i will be writing later today to share how i am doing and other things that have popped into my mind.
thank you all again, so much, for the support and encouragement :)
most of the time i have been doing mostly fairly well in fact. not perfect, for a while there actually i didn't write because i was sick off and on, and physically "depressed" without any energy, motivation, etc. so writing in th blog was out of the question for me!
when i logged back on this morning i was greeted by discovering i have 21 followers and i had 12 comments that needed to be moderated and approved. i read through each and every comment and i cannot tell you all how deeply touched i was by the things i read. the words of encouragement and everything else carry so much meaning for me. to know that i impact others in a positive way is so important to me. i cannot express how i feel with words. it brings tears to my eyes to know that i am successful in the one goal i set out for myself once i was diagnosed and started dealing with the disorder and that is to be able to take my experiences and help other people who are in the same boat as me. that's all i want, and it's what i need to give myself some sort of meaning with all of this. i am hell bent to find the good in this mess, and there is some right there in you all who read this, and let me know how it has been helpful to you in some way or another. i am so pleased and happy right now :)
the horses i groomed and took care of have gone to Main until September (with their owner) and i have swapped to working for Lwoe's full time (a minimum of 32 hours per week), and i am still in full time summer school. yes, i see this as possibly being a formula for disaster... but at this point i seriously do not have any other choice in the matter. i am not longer able to receive financial help from my mother (she doesn't have any more to give to wards my bills, although i do still have free room and board and food, so i am NOT complaining!) so i need to work for my fuel costs, medical costs (yikes, through the roof), bill, insurance, cell phone, etc. and since i turned 25 in June, i am no longer eligidible for insurance through my step-father's employer. crap. so, i need that full time employment status through Lowe's to get the health benefits. i am terribly thankful that i have the FT. techincally, i am not supposed to, i was hired on as a "part-time employee" because they did not have room for any more full time positions. but the sales manager there has worked with me before, knows i kick ass at anything i do in that place, especially admin and mgmt stuff, and he helped me out, spoke with the HR and told her to put me in as FT. when the operations manager found out i was full time, he was quite confused and surprised, but he went along with it!! i learned that it pays to be a kick ass employee and to do well by people because someday they may be in a position to really save your butt, and it's so much easier if they are willing to make a move without even being asked. i am so thankful for him doing that!!
thing is , the HR woman hasn't set up the insurance yet. and i am no longer covered by my previous insurance. SO... the big sucky thing here is that i need to pick up my Rx for Lamictal and i can't because Walmart is charging $350 for it. i'm in a bit of a pickle. i no way have that kind of money. and i was going to pick it up before the end of June but i totally screwed up and forgot... even though the stupid store is RIGHT NEXT To Lowe's. i'm a little ticked off at myself. and i am also all out of Lamictal. that's the one med i need to never run out off because i go all off the wall fairly quickly. i am a little nervous as to how this is going to go down for the next week or so, and my fingers are crossed. i am determined to keep it all together fairly well.
last night i started to get depressed again, and feeling like melting into my bedsheets and never being seen again, and so i took and extra 40mg of Prozac (my daily pill doseage is 40mg) and Ativan and went to sleepy time (after watching some episodes of Scrubs on my laptop). this morning i woke up (after sleeping 10 hrs) and took my usual morning mesds and i can feel the extra energy the Prozac gives. it's a good thing, and it has perked me up a bit. although my leg is jiggling and tapping at 283 miles per house. but that's okay. i'm up and somewhat alert (although still foggy... go figure) and going to try to do my German homework today. i have been falling behind in my studies due to lack of motivation and being overwhelmed with work and school as much as i have them.
like the Prozac has been going and i don't even want to take the time to fix food to eat. nothing sounds good to my appetite and i don't feel like waiting for oatmeal to cook. this is good actually... i have put on a few more pounds and that isn't good and makes me feel like crap really.
anyhoo... i'm not sure where i was going with all of that, just a general update of sorts. i will usually have the weekends off form work, and during the week go to school from 8-11:20, then work from 12-9. since i live an hour out in the country, i leave the house around 6:30 and come home about 10. it keeps me on my toes and busy as hell during the week. this is good too. mostly. i am lucky to not have a terribly stressful position and i have the freedom and flexibility at Lowe's to literally "hang out" and do what i want to do as i get the urge. more than one person has referred to me jokingly as the "Princess". which is sorts true... :) but it didn't come without hard work and putting in a lot of time and effort when i was a manager myself a few years ago. i'm so glad my ass kicking way back when is paying off now!! whew!!
my brain is pretty sensitive to the Lamictal doses and even when i skip one dose (i take it two times a day) i can feel it. it is my "stabilization" med and it does wonders for me. without it... well... i'm fairly unstable. but i do have my Ativan so i hope that will help things along here. i also have Lithium too that i haven't used in a while (because it makes me feel like shit) but... i may bust that out if i need to.
well i need to try and study, i am fairly certain that i will be writing later today to share how i am doing and other things that have popped into my mind.
thank you all again, so much, for the support and encouragement :)
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