I'm not a happy camper today.
And the stuff that is bothering me is stupid, so I won't tell anyone, because I am being pathetic and weak. And we all know how much I am scared of appearing to be "vulnerable" in any way. So I don't say a thing and go hang out in my bedroom and then go to sleep and try again the next day.
The main points to how I am feeling..
Sad/lonely. Well this one is pretty self explanatory right here. I am sad. And I am lonely. I lost touch with most of my friends when I went back to school hard core, and as the bipolar junk became worse and I couldn't "give" as much to them as I always had. I've always been the giver. And when I end up needing, I get nothing. Nada. This makes me tired. And I'm lonely. I miss that person I had in my life... I think missing him/being hurt over him is a big factor to my feeling this way.
I wrote that 2 days ago and didn't feel like finishing it so I saved that part as a draft. I still feel the same today.
I had a small coffee-date, and that was an hour of my life I can never get back. It wasn't bad, but he totally isn't what I'm looking for. And it also made me realize how badly I DO NOT want to have someone in my life that I have an obligation to, or that comes with additional responsibility. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want, without having to commit to any plans with any one person. It's too stressful. I need to be free to move about at my own pace; doing this helps to remove stress from my life. I don't want to have any scheduled attachments, someone to call or email X times a day, or respond to, or to answer to or plan things with and all of that other crap. The thing is, when dating, especially when dating lots of people to try to find one that isn't a frikkin idiot, you go through a lot of people, and it takes a LOT of time. Hell I saw how much of my time I lost by just talking to initially and then meeting up with this one dude. Who was a goob. I'm not the most GQ person alive, but I am attractive, and I have an amount of awareness and spunk or strength and "something" which doesn't go well with those that have flatter personalities. I don't know how to describe it. But... he's flat. I'm not. Bad mix.
Plus, he's never really been in a serious relationship. And I'm all jaded to hell. That's a horrible combo right there. I would run all over him. Fuck, after just ONE pseudo-date he is acting like we are "dating" as in like a sure thing. NO THANK YOU. If you are going to be that frikkin clingy after a minute, then NO, please go away and do not bother me. I don't have the time to take care of someone else's feelings. I don't have the damn time. Or effort. Or energy. Hell I can barely manage myself, let alone some one else. Especially when that someone sends me a text message saying he's free tomorrow (after last night, when I explicitly told him that I am probably not going to be free tomorrow because of an exam on Monday, paper due Tuesday, and the packets for my letter of recomendation writers including a "tailored" personal statement to each frikkin school in the packets, plus a chart showing the places I am going to be applynig to and what they are about so each letter can be tweaked to each program??? NO. I don't have any fucking time to screw around with someone who I will have forgetten about in a couple of months.
As longely as I am, I DO NOT have the desire to be around people. It's not that I don't want to be around people, but I do NOT trust people, especially the males, and I don't want to waste my time hanging out with some moron whom I do not trust, and especially when I would rather be doing grad school stuff, or reading my newest book I bought from Amazon, "Molecular Neuropharmacology" (no joke). So when dude asks me what I am doing, and I say I will be busy tomorrow night, and then he tells me I should take the day off because it's a "holiday" and basically hang out with him... well shit fire even if he wasn't a dork-face I still wouldn't be into him at this point for making such a suggestion!! NO DUDE, I DO NOT WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU. I JUST FREAKIN SAID THAT. DUH. Do people not listen?? Straight up, before we even met, and even during coffee, I told him school comes before all else right now. How is he NOT getting this memo??? I don't have the time to sit and text and explain to some jackass why I am not going to blow off school. So my response was something along the lines of I can't exactly tell my letter of rec writters that I don't have their packets completed because I was busy taking Halloween "off". That's absurd. How retarded for him to even ask me. I do not have the time nor the patience to "train" someone how to behave in a relationship. This dude has never really had one before and is dumb, naieve, and well, like a little puppy. I don't have time to potty train a puppy right now, okay?? I really don't.
Today at work I realized I'm starting to crack and flip out. This is bad really. I was going to up my Lamictal (that's all I can do at this point really) but WallyWorld wanted $100+ for it since my pdoc didn't write the Rx as "do not substitute". Jackass. And of course he wasn't in today. Nooooo that would have been too easy. He is almost impossible to get a hold of. FRUSTRATING. So anyhow, I flipped my lid at work a couple/few times and made a total jackass out of myself. That is always fun. Yippee. One time was in the office with the store mgr and HR mgr. Granted the HR mgr, she loves me, but I totally let it all go in front of the store manager. Ooops. He has pissed me off by not holding people (especially those that wrong me) accountable for their shit. So I was a little free in telling him that I really don't think he cares about why I was upset in the first place. I'm a little uncontrollable right now. And I hate this surge of crazy feelings I have been getting. I hate it. It's so damn evil.
I am do damn unhappy too. With so many things. But I cannot complaing because I am fortunate in many ways. So I will remain miserable in my head and happy to the rest of the world (even though I may flip out here and there) and that's just how it is going to fucking be. YAY. How great.
Funny, since I sent that last text to the dude explaining that I can't not turn in my packets because I took Halloween off, he hasn't responded (and before that he would respond in 25 seconds or less). Nice. Clearly he is being a sissy right now. All butt hurt or whatever. Well too damn bad. I do NOT have the time to coddle you. I told him straight up how it was with school; it comes first. So what the hell is he thinking by saying I should take the day off because it is a holiday??? Freakin idiot!! Naieve, self centered and clearly never been in a relationship before moron. I don't have time to help him "learn" how to be in a relationship. I don't have the time, the energy, and it isn't my problem. Hopefully he will now just leave me alone. I have no desire to talk to him ever again.
I was saying how I am not trusting. Well I am not. The non-trust means I get irritated with people more easily. Shocking. I don't like them really. Did I mention it before... but the trust thing wasn't so bad when I filed for divorce. Yes, the exhubs screwed me over pretty bad, but I was used to that. That wasn't unusual for him. He was acting spot on to his usual character. This last one though, I would have bet my life things wouldn't have turned out this way; I would have bet my life. And I say that without theatrics or exaggeration. And he did it... and it destroyed what I thought I knew, what I thought my gut and heart knew. I always knew exhubs was an ass, and a selfish person. By the second one, I had no idea. His actions the last couple of weeks we talking we a complete 180 from anything he has ever been before in the prior 4 years I have known him. It killed me. And since then, I literally lack the part inside of my chest that allows me to trust someone. Anything, and literally EVERYTHING I hear from anyone is never said for the sake of being good, honest, or because they care. It is all for their own ulterior motives. For whatever reason.
Shoot. I took ativan before I started writing and now I'm passing out slowly. Time for bed. Right before 9pm. Haha.
And the stuff that is bothering me is stupid, so I won't tell anyone, because I am being pathetic and weak. And we all know how much I am scared of appearing to be "vulnerable" in any way. So I don't say a thing and go hang out in my bedroom and then go to sleep and try again the next day.
The main points to how I am feeling..
Sad/lonely. Well this one is pretty self explanatory right here. I am sad. And I am lonely. I lost touch with most of my friends when I went back to school hard core, and as the bipolar junk became worse and I couldn't "give" as much to them as I always had. I've always been the giver. And when I end up needing, I get nothing. Nada. This makes me tired. And I'm lonely. I miss that person I had in my life... I think missing him/being hurt over him is a big factor to my feeling this way.
I wrote that 2 days ago and didn't feel like finishing it so I saved that part as a draft. I still feel the same today.
I had a small coffee-date, and that was an hour of my life I can never get back. It wasn't bad, but he totally isn't what I'm looking for. And it also made me realize how badly I DO NOT want to have someone in my life that I have an obligation to, or that comes with additional responsibility. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want, without having to commit to any plans with any one person. It's too stressful. I need to be free to move about at my own pace; doing this helps to remove stress from my life. I don't want to have any scheduled attachments, someone to call or email X times a day, or respond to, or to answer to or plan things with and all of that other crap. The thing is, when dating, especially when dating lots of people to try to find one that isn't a frikkin idiot, you go through a lot of people, and it takes a LOT of time. Hell I saw how much of my time I lost by just talking to initially and then meeting up with this one dude. Who was a goob. I'm not the most GQ person alive, but I am attractive, and I have an amount of awareness and spunk or strength and "something" which doesn't go well with those that have flatter personalities. I don't know how to describe it. But... he's flat. I'm not. Bad mix.
Plus, he's never really been in a serious relationship. And I'm all jaded to hell. That's a horrible combo right there. I would run all over him. Fuck, after just ONE pseudo-date he is acting like we are "dating" as in like a sure thing. NO THANK YOU. If you are going to be that frikkin clingy after a minute, then NO, please go away and do not bother me. I don't have the time to take care of someone else's feelings. I don't have the damn time. Or effort. Or energy. Hell I can barely manage myself, let alone some one else. Especially when that someone sends me a text message saying he's free tomorrow (after last night, when I explicitly told him that I am probably not going to be free tomorrow because of an exam on Monday, paper due Tuesday, and the packets for my letter of recomendation writers including a "tailored" personal statement to each frikkin school in the packets, plus a chart showing the places I am going to be applynig to and what they are about so each letter can be tweaked to each program??? NO. I don't have any fucking time to screw around with someone who I will have forgetten about in a couple of months.
As longely as I am, I DO NOT have the desire to be around people. It's not that I don't want to be around people, but I do NOT trust people, especially the males, and I don't want to waste my time hanging out with some moron whom I do not trust, and especially when I would rather be doing grad school stuff, or reading my newest book I bought from Amazon, "Molecular Neuropharmacology" (no joke). So when dude asks me what I am doing, and I say I will be busy tomorrow night, and then he tells me I should take the day off because it's a "holiday" and basically hang out with him... well shit fire even if he wasn't a dork-face I still wouldn't be into him at this point for making such a suggestion!! NO DUDE, I DO NOT WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU. I JUST FREAKIN SAID THAT. DUH. Do people not listen?? Straight up, before we even met, and even during coffee, I told him school comes before all else right now. How is he NOT getting this memo??? I don't have the time to sit and text and explain to some jackass why I am not going to blow off school. So my response was something along the lines of I can't exactly tell my letter of rec writters that I don't have their packets completed because I was busy taking Halloween "off". That's absurd. How retarded for him to even ask me. I do not have the time nor the patience to "train" someone how to behave in a relationship. This dude has never really had one before and is dumb, naieve, and well, like a little puppy. I don't have time to potty train a puppy right now, okay?? I really don't.
Today at work I realized I'm starting to crack and flip out. This is bad really. I was going to up my Lamictal (that's all I can do at this point really) but WallyWorld wanted $100+ for it since my pdoc didn't write the Rx as "do not substitute". Jackass. And of course he wasn't in today. Nooooo that would have been too easy. He is almost impossible to get a hold of. FRUSTRATING. So anyhow, I flipped my lid at work a couple/few times and made a total jackass out of myself. That is always fun. Yippee. One time was in the office with the store mgr and HR mgr. Granted the HR mgr, she loves me, but I totally let it all go in front of the store manager. Ooops. He has pissed me off by not holding people (especially those that wrong me) accountable for their shit. So I was a little free in telling him that I really don't think he cares about why I was upset in the first place. I'm a little uncontrollable right now. And I hate this surge of crazy feelings I have been getting. I hate it. It's so damn evil.
I am do damn unhappy too. With so many things. But I cannot complaing because I am fortunate in many ways. So I will remain miserable in my head and happy to the rest of the world (even though I may flip out here and there) and that's just how it is going to fucking be. YAY. How great.
Funny, since I sent that last text to the dude explaining that I can't not turn in my packets because I took Halloween off, he hasn't responded (and before that he would respond in 25 seconds or less). Nice. Clearly he is being a sissy right now. All butt hurt or whatever. Well too damn bad. I do NOT have the time to coddle you. I told him straight up how it was with school; it comes first. So what the hell is he thinking by saying I should take the day off because it is a holiday??? Freakin idiot!! Naieve, self centered and clearly never been in a relationship before moron. I don't have time to help him "learn" how to be in a relationship. I don't have the time, the energy, and it isn't my problem. Hopefully he will now just leave me alone. I have no desire to talk to him ever again.
I was saying how I am not trusting. Well I am not. The non-trust means I get irritated with people more easily. Shocking. I don't like them really. Did I mention it before... but the trust thing wasn't so bad when I filed for divorce. Yes, the exhubs screwed me over pretty bad, but I was used to that. That wasn't unusual for him. He was acting spot on to his usual character. This last one though, I would have bet my life things wouldn't have turned out this way; I would have bet my life. And I say that without theatrics or exaggeration. And he did it... and it destroyed what I thought I knew, what I thought my gut and heart knew. I always knew exhubs was an ass, and a selfish person. By the second one, I had no idea. His actions the last couple of weeks we talking we a complete 180 from anything he has ever been before in the prior 4 years I have known him. It killed me. And since then, I literally lack the part inside of my chest that allows me to trust someone. Anything, and literally EVERYTHING I hear from anyone is never said for the sake of being good, honest, or because they care. It is all for their own ulterior motives. For whatever reason.
Shoot. I took ativan before I started writing and now I'm passing out slowly. Time for bed. Right before 9pm. Haha.
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