I took my exam this morning and filled it out wrong, the prof lady had me redo the written part on a new one, so I did, and I also copied the multiple choice selections to the new packet and wrote everything out right before I turned it back in. At which point she said I didn't have to recopy the whole thing and seemed agitated and I just felt incredibly stupid for screwing up both times in front of everyone, and the excessive paranoid-ness was in my head this morning from the time I left the gas station so this wasn't exactly helping especially since I'm fairly certain that the people in that class think I'm a jackass anyhow (I know, anyone will tell me that I'm using all sorts of distortions here, and I *know* I am, but that doesn't make the panic go away) so after the exam I went to the bathroom and just stood there trying to get my heart to stop racing because I was flipping out for some stupid ass reason, panicked and paranoid as soon as anyone looked at me and generally being rAtarded. I stared at myself in the mirror for a few minutes and it was as though the walls were closing in and my chest was tightening and this girl from class came in and she looked at me and of course I became very defensive and convinced she was thinking bad things about me (such as I'm dumb, stupid, a pathetic loser, etc) and yes I know this is all completely stupid sounding and I'm pretty much way off base with my little assumptions and screwed up ass thoughts but even though I know they are screwed up I still feel that way and it really sucks because then I get mad at myself for feeling that way when I *know* it's pretty stupid...
And that starts a whole new chain of self beating up-ness for being lame, which doesn't help the fact my mind flips when anyone looks at me and I'm instantly paranoid as to what they are thinking/planning (even though I know they couldn't care less about whatever the hell I do)... It's stupid. So after my stupid ass exam, I didn't go back to class and peaced out. I couldn't handle the prof looking at me and thinking I'm a walking cluster-fuck or the students doing the same. I made my decision to manage my stress levels and remove me from the situation, go towards home to stick myself in my room and try to chill the frik out and stop being stupid. I also canceled on work today too.
I hate feeling like this. It's been a really long time since I have. And it blows. Although with all the crap I have going on and the amount I'm working I'm not too surprised. Its really annoying to feel one thing so intensely and yet another small part of my mind thinks something else that is rational... and those two never quite seeing eye to eye. Oh well. It's all whatever.
This morning I was on top of the world, then depressed, then on top, and now I am totally exhausted. I need to take a nap. I'm so tired and worn that I cannot bear to sit here and type on my laptop.
But I want to keep writing. There is something in my head that I need to get out, and then I will allow myself to rest.
I had a lunch "appointment" scheduled for today between class and work, which, since I am clearly out of sorts, I canceled. The person totally understood, better than most actually due to factors regarding this person that I cannot disclose. Anyhoo.
After canceling on him I started to think... and I realized that I am a flipping nut. Seriously, a damn fruit-loop. Who the hell is going to want to mess with me in a relationship??? I'm clearly not stable. I'm a mess. A fucking mess. I couldn't process my professor explaining I messed the answer sheet on my exam up. What the hell am I thinking by trying to go to graduate school? Clearly I'm a moron. And how on earth could I ever think that someone would want me for a relationship??? That is straight up absurd. I see now what J didn't want me. I'm a fruit basket. Sure I have some good qualities that attract people, but the flip side of that polished coin is not so pretty. I'm a paranoid insecure panicky jackass of a pansy. I couldn't finish my day without losing it, so I had to bring myself back home. If that isn't weak and pathetic then I don't know what is.
Seriously, who the hell would mess with my shit?? I've read too many blogs written by the spouse of someone who is bipolar (it's always the husband that has BP) and so I know what the spouses are thinking. I can see how hard this shit is on someone. Who the fuck would want me?? I'm clearly not stable. What business do I have even wanting to be in a relationship? Maybe when I grow my pathetic ass up and learn how to handle life, THEN I will deserve a relationship. But until then, I need to just stay the hell away from people. They don't understand why I am the way I am, or why I need to withdraw sometimes (such as today) and not finish my plans because my brain is about to slip the frik out. How can I expect anyone to get this?? I can't. They don't. They won't. I don't see the point in anything anymore. Graduate school? Why? So I can end up freaking out and not being able to finish my day? And end up failing? And not be able to hack it?
This is so stupid. I'm exhausted for some unfathomable reason, even after getting a lot of sleep.
Nap time.
And that starts a whole new chain of self beating up-ness for being lame, which doesn't help the fact my mind flips when anyone looks at me and I'm instantly paranoid as to what they are thinking/planning (even though I know they couldn't care less about whatever the hell I do)... It's stupid. So after my stupid ass exam, I didn't go back to class and peaced out. I couldn't handle the prof looking at me and thinking I'm a walking cluster-fuck or the students doing the same. I made my decision to manage my stress levels and remove me from the situation, go towards home to stick myself in my room and try to chill the frik out and stop being stupid. I also canceled on work today too.
I hate feeling like this. It's been a really long time since I have. And it blows. Although with all the crap I have going on and the amount I'm working I'm not too surprised. Its really annoying to feel one thing so intensely and yet another small part of my mind thinks something else that is rational... and those two never quite seeing eye to eye. Oh well. It's all whatever.
This morning I was on top of the world, then depressed, then on top, and now I am totally exhausted. I need to take a nap. I'm so tired and worn that I cannot bear to sit here and type on my laptop.
But I want to keep writing. There is something in my head that I need to get out, and then I will allow myself to rest.
I had a lunch "appointment" scheduled for today between class and work, which, since I am clearly out of sorts, I canceled. The person totally understood, better than most actually due to factors regarding this person that I cannot disclose. Anyhoo.
After canceling on him I started to think... and I realized that I am a flipping nut. Seriously, a damn fruit-loop. Who the hell is going to want to mess with me in a relationship??? I'm clearly not stable. I'm a mess. A fucking mess. I couldn't process my professor explaining I messed the answer sheet on my exam up. What the hell am I thinking by trying to go to graduate school? Clearly I'm a moron. And how on earth could I ever think that someone would want me for a relationship??? That is straight up absurd. I see now what J didn't want me. I'm a fruit basket. Sure I have some good qualities that attract people, but the flip side of that polished coin is not so pretty. I'm a paranoid insecure panicky jackass of a pansy. I couldn't finish my day without losing it, so I had to bring myself back home. If that isn't weak and pathetic then I don't know what is.
Seriously, who the hell would mess with my shit?? I've read too many blogs written by the spouse of someone who is bipolar (it's always the husband that has BP) and so I know what the spouses are thinking. I can see how hard this shit is on someone. Who the fuck would want me?? I'm clearly not stable. What business do I have even wanting to be in a relationship? Maybe when I grow my pathetic ass up and learn how to handle life, THEN I will deserve a relationship. But until then, I need to just stay the hell away from people. They don't understand why I am the way I am, or why I need to withdraw sometimes (such as today) and not finish my plans because my brain is about to slip the frik out. How can I expect anyone to get this?? I can't. They don't. They won't. I don't see the point in anything anymore. Graduate school? Why? So I can end up freaking out and not being able to finish my day? And end up failing? And not be able to hack it?
This is so stupid. I'm exhausted for some unfathomable reason, even after getting a lot of sleep.
Nap time.
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4 comments:
If I was a professional, I'd wonder if you had a glitch with your meds, which may have been due to what you did, or didn't eat. Whatever the reason, it's been a long time since this happened, which means it will be a long time again - if ever.
Hang in there. You have at least one fan, although I think there are many that just lurk and don't comment.:)
Thank you so much for your support, Jess :)
It means much to me.
Ann,
I'm a fan of kicking my own ass; i've made it part of my gene code. I can't help it. I also know I do it, which makes a big difference, and it helps to laugh at it. That soundedlike a day from hell. I hate days from hell. Just don't feel like a nut--the "sane" people are boring and uncreative :) keep on keeping on
I'm here if you ever need. amy
Amy, you crack me up! I agree that the nutts are more "sane" in many ways! lol :)
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