The moment I have been waiting for has arrived. Since the thing with J, I have been convinced there is something (that I will see someday) that will help make the J thing make sense to me and have a better understanding of it. Finally, it is here!!! Don't get me wrong, I still love and miss that foolio, so much, and I have plenty of hurt to go along with it. But...
Thursday in class I was sitting at my desk waiting for the magical starting time of 9:30am. My professor (about 32) was standing there talking with his colleague, a cognitive nerurosci professor, about the same age or a year younger. I listened to them talking, something half scholarly related with some casual bits thrown in, and listening to them talk intrigued me more than any conversation has in quite a while. It wasn't the specific topic they were discussing, hell I can't even remember what it was, but the tone of their speach, the... feeling they emitted, the energy I perceived is what captured my intention.
I started to get this idea, that I need someone who is as intelligent and like minded as myself, a couple months ago, specifically when I started meeting up with my paramour. He is of the intelligent, educated, but still "real" type of man (and subsequently could lose his job if our little illicit affair were to be discovered). It's nice to have a conversation with someone in which I do not feel like I am having to mother them or teach them something. Talking to someone who is an equal in intellect, and who believes in the same cognitive-behavioral philosophies as I, the power of cognitive restructuring, reappraisal, etc. is such a damn relief. Again, the business with the paramour is not something of the romantic attraction, there is an intense physical attraction, and an enjoyment of a like-minded being with a similar sarcastic zest, but there isn't that element of romantic-ism needed to be someone that I want to have a relationship with. If that makes any sense. And I know this because I have analyzed my feelings under a microscope a thoughsand times to make sure that I don't have some sort of true romantic feeling hidden for this man in my pinky toe. Luckily, I don't. :)
Back to my story; listening to two intelligent men speak about something related to what I study and am interested in (and is also at the cornerstone of how I view life and interpersonal interactions) was quite... well, it really struck me. And that's when it hit me; I need to be with someone like these men, who has a decent brain planted on top of their neck. Several things came to gether in my mind at that point, and I cannot quite put it into words. The one man, the cog scientist, he doesn't have the face of a model, he is tall, in very good shape, and I really enjoyed listening to him speak to my professor. And I found myself attracted to him. I didn't want to just look at him and watch him look pretty (although taking his clothes off would be quite nice) but I wanted to speak to him, to open his mind and see what si inside, to have conversations and listen to the words he says. Cheesy really, I agree, but still... it's the truth of how I felt. And still do at this moment. Who knows how long this particular feeling will last... for all I know I could be deluding myself with wishful thinking designed to distract my heart from the hurt I am feeling over J. Or... it could be a hidden truth about an aspect of the person I am meant to be with. I am not saying that this professor is my "person"; I'm referring to the intelligence factor, and finding someone likeminded to myself.
It's something I have been pondering, turning over and over in my head, and I find it to be a reflief. In many ways, I am also excited about my new little discovery! It fills me with hope an optimism and also helps with the J thing and I think facillitates my healing process.
This is good.
:)
Thursday in class I was sitting at my desk waiting for the magical starting time of 9:30am. My professor (about 32) was standing there talking with his colleague, a cognitive nerurosci professor, about the same age or a year younger. I listened to them talking, something half scholarly related with some casual bits thrown in, and listening to them talk intrigued me more than any conversation has in quite a while. It wasn't the specific topic they were discussing, hell I can't even remember what it was, but the tone of their speach, the... feeling they emitted, the energy I perceived is what captured my intention.
I started to get this idea, that I need someone who is as intelligent and like minded as myself, a couple months ago, specifically when I started meeting up with my paramour. He is of the intelligent, educated, but still "real" type of man (and subsequently could lose his job if our little illicit affair were to be discovered). It's nice to have a conversation with someone in which I do not feel like I am having to mother them or teach them something. Talking to someone who is an equal in intellect, and who believes in the same cognitive-behavioral philosophies as I, the power of cognitive restructuring, reappraisal, etc. is such a damn relief. Again, the business with the paramour is not something of the romantic attraction, there is an intense physical attraction, and an enjoyment of a like-minded being with a similar sarcastic zest, but there isn't that element of romantic-ism needed to be someone that I want to have a relationship with. If that makes any sense. And I know this because I have analyzed my feelings under a microscope a thoughsand times to make sure that I don't have some sort of true romantic feeling hidden for this man in my pinky toe. Luckily, I don't. :)
Back to my story; listening to two intelligent men speak about something related to what I study and am interested in (and is also at the cornerstone of how I view life and interpersonal interactions) was quite... well, it really struck me. And that's when it hit me; I need to be with someone like these men, who has a decent brain planted on top of their neck. Several things came to gether in my mind at that point, and I cannot quite put it into words. The one man, the cog scientist, he doesn't have the face of a model, he is tall, in very good shape, and I really enjoyed listening to him speak to my professor. And I found myself attracted to him. I didn't want to just look at him and watch him look pretty (although taking his clothes off would be quite nice) but I wanted to speak to him, to open his mind and see what si inside, to have conversations and listen to the words he says. Cheesy really, I agree, but still... it's the truth of how I felt. And still do at this moment. Who knows how long this particular feeling will last... for all I know I could be deluding myself with wishful thinking designed to distract my heart from the hurt I am feeling over J. Or... it could be a hidden truth about an aspect of the person I am meant to be with. I am not saying that this professor is my "person"; I'm referring to the intelligence factor, and finding someone likeminded to myself.
It's something I have been pondering, turning over and over in my head, and I find it to be a reflief. In many ways, I am also excited about my new little discovery! It fills me with hope an optimism and also helps with the J thing and I think facillitates my healing process.
This is good.
:)
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