...as though I may have sounded too hard on my mother in the last post. She does love me, and does to a lot for me, and over my childhood sacrificed a lot for my sister and I. But this area... the mental health thing, she's just so... not. I don't want to give the impression that my mother is a tyrant, she isn't, she's human and not perfect, just like the rest of us. But... like I said, in this area... ehhhh. I feel guilty for saying anything bad about her, I love her, she's my mother, and she loves me... but for all hell... meh.
I told my sister the cliff notes version of my last post and she asked me what my motivation is to keep moving forward and trying. The tone of her voice, the disbelief that I have the energy each day to push myself to achieve, it was a bi shocking. To me, this resilient aspect of myself is the norm, and I do not view my life or my challenges as an entity that has the power to keep me down. I told her it is something intrinsic, something innate within me that I cannot fully describe, that keeps propelling me forward.
When everything around me fades and people in my life let me down, I have a moment of sadness and despair. I reflect on my lack of interpersonal relationships and everything that has left me, especially as a result of being a bit of a nutter-butter. But this moment of such a lost feeling is transient...
And somehow, beyond my conscious knowledge, I pick myself up off of the floor and continue on the path I have set for myself. So what if things suck or something has gone wrong. So what if I realize my relationships aren't what I originally thought they were. What does it matter? It is all external to who I am. It does not determine who I am. Nobody outside of myself can say who exactly Anna is. They simply cannot. I determine this. My thoughts create my reality and I refuse to allow negative shit that happens to mess with my internal world. Yes, I will get down for a minute, hell maybe even a day or two, but I relatively quickly get over it.
I can get depressed and down, yes, but not in the hopeless kind of way where I give up. I don't know how to give up. I literally do not. I do not know how to describe my will to achieve, I don't know the words to label it, all I know is it is such a powerful feeling, a positive force within, and without it I would be lost. It is a feeling and a drive I wish I could share with everyone. It enables me to be manic as all get out, and yet keep myself seated at my desk, attempting to read my school texts. It may be slow going, and I may be frustrated as all get out and wanting to yell and scream and run around like a mad woman, but bless this part of my Self that can overcome these nutty tendencies and I can make forward progress with my school work. I am so thankful, each day, that I have this ability.
It is hard that nobody in my physical life understands the daily internal struggles I encounter. It would really help me if at least someone did, and there was someone I could talk to. Someone who understands. I am thankful for this blog, it enables me to come into contact with other persons that *do* understand the jibberish I feel. The understanding and support is truly a lifesaver. Comments from you all, sometimes they make me cry with such relief that *someone* gets it, and that I am not alone. Tears or not, reading comments and posts from my online blogger friends is a huge factor in helping me keep motivated and keep pushing forward. And I thank you all.
I told my sister the cliff notes version of my last post and she asked me what my motivation is to keep moving forward and trying. The tone of her voice, the disbelief that I have the energy each day to push myself to achieve, it was a bi shocking. To me, this resilient aspect of myself is the norm, and I do not view my life or my challenges as an entity that has the power to keep me down. I told her it is something intrinsic, something innate within me that I cannot fully describe, that keeps propelling me forward.
When everything around me fades and people in my life let me down, I have a moment of sadness and despair. I reflect on my lack of interpersonal relationships and everything that has left me, especially as a result of being a bit of a nutter-butter. But this moment of such a lost feeling is transient...
And somehow, beyond my conscious knowledge, I pick myself up off of the floor and continue on the path I have set for myself. So what if things suck or something has gone wrong. So what if I realize my relationships aren't what I originally thought they were. What does it matter? It is all external to who I am. It does not determine who I am. Nobody outside of myself can say who exactly Anna is. They simply cannot. I determine this. My thoughts create my reality and I refuse to allow negative shit that happens to mess with my internal world. Yes, I will get down for a minute, hell maybe even a day or two, but I relatively quickly get over it.
I can get depressed and down, yes, but not in the hopeless kind of way where I give up. I don't know how to give up. I literally do not. I do not know how to describe my will to achieve, I don't know the words to label it, all I know is it is such a powerful feeling, a positive force within, and without it I would be lost. It is a feeling and a drive I wish I could share with everyone. It enables me to be manic as all get out, and yet keep myself seated at my desk, attempting to read my school texts. It may be slow going, and I may be frustrated as all get out and wanting to yell and scream and run around like a mad woman, but bless this part of my Self that can overcome these nutty tendencies and I can make forward progress with my school work. I am so thankful, each day, that I have this ability.
It is hard that nobody in my physical life understands the daily internal struggles I encounter. It would really help me if at least someone did, and there was someone I could talk to. Someone who understands. I am thankful for this blog, it enables me to come into contact with other persons that *do* understand the jibberish I feel. The understanding and support is truly a lifesaver. Comments from you all, sometimes they make me cry with such relief that *someone* gets it, and that I am not alone. Tears or not, reading comments and posts from my online blogger friends is a huge factor in helping me keep motivated and keep pushing forward. And I thank you all.
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1 comments:
There's a part of me that doesn't give up, too. It's the part of me that signed myself into the psychiatric ward before I did myself harm. Suicide is not an option for me, so if it's not an option then the only other thing to do is move on :) You're very fortunate to have that core of strength that pushes you through life... not everyone has it.
I'd love to go back to school but when I'm in the midst of mania, I can't read a sentence, let alone a paragraph or chapter.
As for your mom, it's difficult for people to show sympathy when there is no understanding of the disease. My Dad's got the same problem. He only took it seriously when I was in the hospital :(
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