Part of me knows I might be a little off in my interpretations... But that doesn't stop me feeling this way, and the part of me that does feel this way convinces the part of me that thinks I may be off in my feelings that it's wrong.
To get to the point... Well I'm fairly certain that everyone at work has I'll feelings toward me. Even the people that are nice and chatty with me, well as soon as I turn my back they talk about me and make fun if me and find it hilarious that I think they actually like me based on the fact we chat and whatnot. I can see it in there faces when they talk to me, their eyes make fun of me. I'm a joke to everyone. Not surprising since I'm nutty and act nutty half the time when I get all weird and chatty or hyperaggressive or something stupid. And when I get super wound up and chatty I'm sure I annoy them but when I get all hyper and chatty it's really hard for me to stop myself so I keep going and make a fool out of myself and by annoying them they have more reason to mock me behind my back.
I have a semi-secluded desk in the back of the store and I am mostly left to my own devices. Which is nice. The bathroom and water fountain are at the front of the store though.... So frequently I have to walk up front. I get so damn freaked when customers talk to me or look at me, so I take off my identification and walk up front as a normal nonemployee. I hate walking in public. Those bastard customers are mocking me, the other employees make fun of me, and the male customers are violating me with their eyes and I hate it and when I get to the bathroom I usually sit in the stall a while because I don't want to have to walk back to my desk. I hate this shit. I hate people hating me and making fun of me. I want to go home. Right now. Even the managers don't like me. I know it. Why can't I be s cooler prdon that people like? Dammit all to hell.
- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone
Sign In
Posts
Comments
Share it
5 comments:
Hi Anna, I linked to your blog a while ago. What to say to this post?
Firstly, I was once in the same state of mind, so I know what paranoia is and how 'real' it can seem, but you have to understand that people are so wrapped up in their own lives, that they do not have the time to pay that much attention to you or what you might be thinking. Please digest this short passage from my first published book, The Serotonin Grand Prix - it is all about paranoia, but told in a darkly comical narrative (If you want a free E-book copy just leave your email address on my website)..
"The paranoid imagines himself at the centre of the universe and all its events. One day he will come to accept that the world does not care as much as he once thought. Until that time, Life for him, is about holding off on that realisation for as long as possible, because it is an uncomfortable discovery to find that nobody might ever have cared, one way or the other, about anything at all - least of all him."
All paranoia is, is a refusal to acknowledge the world as it really is. Once we find the strength to confront reality in all its glory and nastiness, we will no longer be paranoid, because we will know that it doesn't really care that much, even if that is a scary a nd difficult fact to deal with.
I hope you find some of this useful.
Best wishes.
Hang in there. Try not to let them see the pain or they will be back for more.
Sweetie, you said it yourself when you typed 'part of me knows I might be a little off in my interpretations'. You *know* you're being paranoid, but you *feel* that you're right. You're not alone in those thoughts and feelings.
I don't know if the people at your work know you suffer from bipolar? If they do, then if you feel you're babbling, just say 'sorry, I'm just a bit hyper right now'. No need to go into any more explanation than that. It's difficult for the 'knowing' part of our mind to override the feelings we go through, but it can be done... and if right now it can't, then maybe it's time to go home? I wish I had the answers for you :(
@Alex, that's pretty much what I was telling myself all day, "it's just the spotlight effect... just the spotlight effect, nobody really is paying attention..." and telling myself that helps, definitely, as does reading your post, helps to validate what I tell myself when I get this way :o)
@Vampi, no, they do not know. My "friends" couldn't accept it when I told them, so I'm super hesitant to say anything to anyone else. The past few days when I get to work, before I even step through the door, I make sure that I am in 100% self-monitoring mode. When I am going to an area with people that chat with me, I make a conscious effort to *not* talk to the, or if I do, to keep it simple and short and then move along my way. Even then though, damn I still feel as though I am being mocked and when people are nice to me, it's just a plan to make me look foolish; it's all a set up.
Good to know I am not alone in these feelings. I greatly appreciate your comments :o)
No... you're definitely not alone in those feelings. I remember telling my mom that I didn't want to sit at the front of the church... I was honest and told her that I felt like everyones eyes were boring holes into the back of my head. She flippantly told me to stop being so self centered. So, I sat there with a burning feeling at the back of my skull.
You're doing good to be able to set yourself up to be 'self-monitoring'. I have to do that on a daily basis as well. It makes it a lot easier for me to notice my limits and not push them if I'm just not doing well at that moment.
Post a Comment