I admit, part of me, you know, that part that doesn't like to hear the word "bipolar" out loud in reference to myself because I am still somewhat in denial... well that part had this thought that with mom being super and supportive that all of my issues would melt away and this "bipolar" shit would somehow go away if there wasn't anyone "poking" at the green eyed monster while at home.
As it turns out though, I *am* still nutty.
I'm sitting here and trying so hard to type, but I cannot decide what emotion or thing that I have felt in this very new day, and when I start thinking about typing it out I get so flustered because I don't want to take the time to sit and blah blah blah about one thing for that long (which I would have to do to get in all of the details about what happened so that it makes sense and all) so then I don't type it but then I am sitting here and thinking about wanting to express it but then I don't express it because I cannot decide to do something to write or whatever.
I sit here and have all of these things zipping in my head and body and chest and feeling so much and then I switch my mind over to some other thought of something else I have to do (for example, "I need to start catching up on my reading for my classes") and then that sparks a cascade of something that sucks really big time inside of me which essentially leads to a panic sensation because I cannot do all of the things or express everything in my body because somehow I force myself to sit here and remain still which is terribly hard given that I can literally feel my chest insides vibrating with something, energy, or spazz energy, hell if I know but then it spreads to my brain and then my thoughts are filled with this damn feeling that again, totally sucks ass, and so I breathe deep and remain silent and my door is closed and I am trying like hell for it to pass but it is remaining here and well hell, fine then, I will force myself to type the things that I am feeling (although really I have done a lot already) and the small events that have led to my sitting in my chair at my desk with my hoodie pulled over my head and what I am sure is a terribly sour expression on my face.
I will type, because it may be therapeutic and we all know how cartharsis is good and what not, so here it goes, plus maybe forcing myself to overcome my insides will be a good thing, and again in my mind, if I do that, then it will all somehow go away...
My bed, okay, I was at Target yesterday (I have such a hard time going into a store and then once I am there, holy hell I've been a spending little shit head and pretty much enter this really weird state of mind and disconnect...) well at any rate, I was at Target and bought this fake-down mattress pad thing which looked to be super comfy. I brought it home, and eventually at like 1am finally got around to making myself put the damn thing on my mattress. What was I doing all night? Oh, well it wasn't homework or studying of any kind. After getting home from working in the lab, I promptly sat my ass down with my laptop (in various places, like in bed, at my desk, etc) and wasted the entire evening online shopping. For what? Running shoes (check), yoga pants to workout in since my current ones are old and nasty (check), and messenger shoulder bag thing to replace my backpack because my backpack stresses me out because it has two straps that pull back on me and is a pain to get on over my jacket and also when I need anything out of it then I have to take the mother frikker off, put it down, rummage around in the thing, and then put the bastard back on and struggle to get it over my sweatshirt or Carhartt jacket. Pain in the ass, so I decided to get a shoulder bag, a messenger bag, a satchel, whatever the hell you want to call it, and it has a compartment with padding for my stupid ass HP laptop (soon to be replaced with a Mac), well so I got that (check), and I was looking for lotions (check) and then a bed spread coverlet thingie and that I did not find and I looked pretty much forever for something suitable but no luck there and the whole messenger bag search took pretty much forever and then the whole "shit now I actually have to decide and pick one" thing came into play and it was pretty stupid to spend the whole FREAKIN evening online shopping when my school assignments and reading aren't exactly taking care of themselves.
Where I was originally going with the Target purchase is that now it is in my bed and I am not sure if I like it or not but the whole "taking it off" and putting it back in the bag to exchange it thing is WAY TOO MUCH and thinking about doing that causes me to flip the fuck out inside so I remain sitting in my chair writing this. It's a freakin mattress pad, why the issue with removing it? Why is this stupid ass task flipping me out? Hell, why is any task this morning some big "thing" that my mind freaks out over??? Seriously. This is stupid. I don't even want to get up and go into the kitchen for something to drink. I may have to talk to someone, and like earlier, I couldn't slow myself down enough to explain the mattress cover dilemma to my mom, I thought it in my head but when I tried to speak it and make myself talk coherently, well it was a freak out type of deal and so I didn't tell her. I hope my school bag gets here soon because I just looked at my backpack and the thought of putting that stupid ass thing on ever again causes the same sort of wigging out in my brain.
SERIOUSLY?!?!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME, AND WHY CAN I NOT DO SIMPLE ASS FUCKING TASKS WITHOUT FEELING AS THOUGH MY MIND AND BODY ARE GOING TO SHOOT IN A THOUSAND DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS?!?!?!?!?
This is so pathetic. The thought of doing anything, anything at all, does the same flying into a million bits thing to me, and so I sit here in my chair, making myself at least type because that is productive, but then I have to stop every few minutes because the typing leads to the exploding feeling and so I sit and stare at the wall and let my mind do its thing and run around like a crazed banshee and then I return to the typing.
My phone is sitting three inches away from my arm and I still have not, for the past 38 minutes, called the repair shop to find out if they are open on a Saturday. I need to. But like going to pick up my truck, and the hassel of getting dressed and looking halfway human, it is all too much and results in the same freaked out feeling.
And now for some reason I am tired. All I want to do is sleep, and sometimes I think this is a defense mechanism that my mind pulls on me, when being awake is too nutty, then it says, "fine, let's sleep this away and wake up feeling better because being awake sucks ass right now". I have so much homework to do, I need to get on that, and just freaking do it. But it takes so long to read because once I have read it the damned information slips right away again and I have to start that section over, usually to get the info to remotely stick in my brain I have to write the stuff down on a notepad, and put it in a spatial relationship organized kind of way to be able to retain it. Just words form the book pages isn't enough, I have to write it, and then like I said show some sort of relationship between the ideas and organize it in an OCD spatial way that makes sense to my brain so I can at least remember it for 5 minutes.
I'm tired. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted. I can't sit my mind still.
And now I will write a whole other post about something in the back of my mind.
As it turns out though, I *am* still nutty.
I'm sitting here and trying so hard to type, but I cannot decide what emotion or thing that I have felt in this very new day, and when I start thinking about typing it out I get so flustered because I don't want to take the time to sit and blah blah blah about one thing for that long (which I would have to do to get in all of the details about what happened so that it makes sense and all) so then I don't type it but then I am sitting here and thinking about wanting to express it but then I don't express it because I cannot decide to do something to write or whatever.
I sit here and have all of these things zipping in my head and body and chest and feeling so much and then I switch my mind over to some other thought of something else I have to do (for example, "I need to start catching up on my reading for my classes") and then that sparks a cascade of something that sucks really big time inside of me which essentially leads to a panic sensation because I cannot do all of the things or express everything in my body because somehow I force myself to sit here and remain still which is terribly hard given that I can literally feel my chest insides vibrating with something, energy, or spazz energy, hell if I know but then it spreads to my brain and then my thoughts are filled with this damn feeling that again, totally sucks ass, and so I breathe deep and remain silent and my door is closed and I am trying like hell for it to pass but it is remaining here and well hell, fine then, I will force myself to type the things that I am feeling (although really I have done a lot already) and the small events that have led to my sitting in my chair at my desk with my hoodie pulled over my head and what I am sure is a terribly sour expression on my face.
I will type, because it may be therapeutic and we all know how cartharsis is good and what not, so here it goes, plus maybe forcing myself to overcome my insides will be a good thing, and again in my mind, if I do that, then it will all somehow go away...
My bed, okay, I was at Target yesterday (I have such a hard time going into a store and then once I am there, holy hell I've been a spending little shit head and pretty much enter this really weird state of mind and disconnect...) well at any rate, I was at Target and bought this fake-down mattress pad thing which looked to be super comfy. I brought it home, and eventually at like 1am finally got around to making myself put the damn thing on my mattress. What was I doing all night? Oh, well it wasn't homework or studying of any kind. After getting home from working in the lab, I promptly sat my ass down with my laptop (in various places, like in bed, at my desk, etc) and wasted the entire evening online shopping. For what? Running shoes (check), yoga pants to workout in since my current ones are old and nasty (check), and messenger shoulder bag thing to replace my backpack because my backpack stresses me out because it has two straps that pull back on me and is a pain to get on over my jacket and also when I need anything out of it then I have to take the mother frikker off, put it down, rummage around in the thing, and then put the bastard back on and struggle to get it over my sweatshirt or Carhartt jacket. Pain in the ass, so I decided to get a shoulder bag, a messenger bag, a satchel, whatever the hell you want to call it, and it has a compartment with padding for my stupid ass HP laptop (soon to be replaced with a Mac), well so I got that (check), and I was looking for lotions (check) and then a bed spread coverlet thingie and that I did not find and I looked pretty much forever for something suitable but no luck there and the whole messenger bag search took pretty much forever and then the whole "shit now I actually have to decide and pick one" thing came into play and it was pretty stupid to spend the whole FREAKIN evening online shopping when my school assignments and reading aren't exactly taking care of themselves.
Where I was originally going with the Target purchase is that now it is in my bed and I am not sure if I like it or not but the whole "taking it off" and putting it back in the bag to exchange it thing is WAY TOO MUCH and thinking about doing that causes me to flip the fuck out inside so I remain sitting in my chair writing this. It's a freakin mattress pad, why the issue with removing it? Why is this stupid ass task flipping me out? Hell, why is any task this morning some big "thing" that my mind freaks out over??? Seriously. This is stupid. I don't even want to get up and go into the kitchen for something to drink. I may have to talk to someone, and like earlier, I couldn't slow myself down enough to explain the mattress cover dilemma to my mom, I thought it in my head but when I tried to speak it and make myself talk coherently, well it was a freak out type of deal and so I didn't tell her. I hope my school bag gets here soon because I just looked at my backpack and the thought of putting that stupid ass thing on ever again causes the same sort of wigging out in my brain.
SERIOUSLY?!?!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME, AND WHY CAN I NOT DO SIMPLE ASS FUCKING TASKS WITHOUT FEELING AS THOUGH MY MIND AND BODY ARE GOING TO SHOOT IN A THOUSAND DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS?!?!?!?!?
This is so pathetic. The thought of doing anything, anything at all, does the same flying into a million bits thing to me, and so I sit here in my chair, making myself at least type because that is productive, but then I have to stop every few minutes because the typing leads to the exploding feeling and so I sit and stare at the wall and let my mind do its thing and run around like a crazed banshee and then I return to the typing.
My phone is sitting three inches away from my arm and I still have not, for the past 38 minutes, called the repair shop to find out if they are open on a Saturday. I need to. But like going to pick up my truck, and the hassel of getting dressed and looking halfway human, it is all too much and results in the same freaked out feeling.
And now for some reason I am tired. All I want to do is sleep, and sometimes I think this is a defense mechanism that my mind pulls on me, when being awake is too nutty, then it says, "fine, let's sleep this away and wake up feeling better because being awake sucks ass right now". I have so much homework to do, I need to get on that, and just freaking do it. But it takes so long to read because once I have read it the damned information slips right away again and I have to start that section over, usually to get the info to remotely stick in my brain I have to write the stuff down on a notepad, and put it in a spatial relationship organized kind of way to be able to retain it. Just words form the book pages isn't enough, I have to write it, and then like I said show some sort of relationship between the ideas and organize it in an OCD spatial way that makes sense to my brain so I can at least remember it for 5 minutes.
I'm tired. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted. I can't sit my mind still.
And now I will write a whole other post about something in the back of my mind.
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