Falling

I tried to find a couple places before actually leaving. People were in all of them. Now I'm leaving. I really did try to stay.

I haven't been this messed up in a while.
Not to this extent of decreased ability to properly go about my day. I do not know what has changed, my meds have been extremely stable. Everything has been and yet I'm back in this place, where it's dark and cold, and there is a howling storm outside trying to obliterate me.

I was so happy early this morning. And my makeup looked nice. Now I'm in my truck and crying. I don't want to do anything. At all. I want to go away and vanish. Dammit I haven't felt this shitty in SO FUCKING LONG. WTF?!?!??????! My brain can't hold a single semi-complicated thought.

I was trying to describe what parts of my brain aren't working right now, and then I thought this:

"So when I get really stressed and flipped, my memory stops working. My heart and nerves feel like they do when you are in a fight or flight mode, so my SAM system is clearly activated, thus prompting my HPA axis to bust out some cortisiol... And recalling my last research paper, HPA axis are dysfunctional in BD studies, if true for me, then the cortisol from the HPA isn't properly acting on my hippocampus to provide negative feedback to chill out the HPA, and the hippocampus is the main relay station to take short term memories and turn them into long ones... And if while I am stressed, my hippocampi aren't responding to the cortisol properly, so then I ask what else the hippocampi are doing in a dysfunctional way so that I am having decreased ability to put my thoughts into long term storage where I can retrieve them 5 minutes later, or as I am trying to juggle several overlapping thoughtscat once."


Well now I'm done crying bc I thought of thus and am now obsessing over this idea and wanting to see what research has been done between hippocampal function, memory, and the HPA axis, cortisol and stress.

Hmm




- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone