I'm all ready for my interview with Texas A&M in less than 2 hours. It's over the web using Skype for a video call. My hair is neat, my makeup is light with good foundation coverage, I have the nice sweater on with a necklace, and I properly prepped the part of my room that will be on screen. So I look all lovely and put together, and this woman is going to see me and talk to me and I am going to be composed, well spoken, and (hopefully) sounding like an educated and enthusiastic potential doctoral student.
I'm feeling like such a fraud.
My insides are screaming, I want to scream, I have so much anger and rage and am feeling so fucking depressed that all I really want to do right now is cry. I have gotten to that damn point where I quit caring, hell I haven't even done shit with school today, because I don't freaking care. I don't want to. I don't want to mess with this graduate school shit anymore. I want to indulge in Ativan and take a nap, all the while telling the rest of the world to piss off. I'm angry, I screamed and yelled earlier, I had that rage monster inside of me again. It wasn't cute. And after I stood in front of my closet for a few minutes trying to not move and not even think, that's when I realized I am a fraud. I just want to cry. I feel like such a mess, such a fucking mess on the inside, in my head, I've messed my gut up from abusing laxatives, I love vicodin, I can't be around people, I don't do well in public settings, hell I don't even do well in social relationships because I am a paranoid little fucker and as soon as I start feeling rejected or suspect someone is making fun of me then I pull away and freak out and then build even more walls around me and for each wall I actually do take down, I end up doing/saying something stupid, making an ass out of myself and then put up two more walls to replace the one that I took down because it isn't cute to make an ass out of myself in public, I mean who really wants to do that? I feel like shit. I'm half out of my fucking mind and I hate feeling like this. Damn it all to hell I am so tired of this shit. Why don't I just walk around with a fucking freak sign that says stay the hell away from me. I hate everything. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to be around anyone. I want to stay in bed, sleep, online shop for shit that I want to buy, and research whatever the fuck I want to research on the PubMed database about brains.
I can't hold on to a thought to save my life right now. Fuck it. Ativan now, and then I will be calm and blahdeeblah when she sees me on video.
I'm feeling like such a fraud.
My insides are screaming, I want to scream, I have so much anger and rage and am feeling so fucking depressed that all I really want to do right now is cry. I have gotten to that damn point where I quit caring, hell I haven't even done shit with school today, because I don't freaking care. I don't want to. I don't want to mess with this graduate school shit anymore. I want to indulge in Ativan and take a nap, all the while telling the rest of the world to piss off. I'm angry, I screamed and yelled earlier, I had that rage monster inside of me again. It wasn't cute. And after I stood in front of my closet for a few minutes trying to not move and not even think, that's when I realized I am a fraud. I just want to cry. I feel like such a mess, such a fucking mess on the inside, in my head, I've messed my gut up from abusing laxatives, I love vicodin, I can't be around people, I don't do well in public settings, hell I don't even do well in social relationships because I am a paranoid little fucker and as soon as I start feeling rejected or suspect someone is making fun of me then I pull away and freak out and then build even more walls around me and for each wall I actually do take down, I end up doing/saying something stupid, making an ass out of myself and then put up two more walls to replace the one that I took down because it isn't cute to make an ass out of myself in public, I mean who really wants to do that? I feel like shit. I'm half out of my fucking mind and I hate feeling like this. Damn it all to hell I am so tired of this shit. Why don't I just walk around with a fucking freak sign that says stay the hell away from me. I hate everything. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to be around anyone. I want to stay in bed, sleep, online shop for shit that I want to buy, and research whatever the fuck I want to research on the PubMed database about brains.
I can't hold on to a thought to save my life right now. Fuck it. Ativan now, and then I will be calm and blahdeeblah when she sees me on video.
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