First, I am annoyed with my "special-friend". He hasn't done anything to piss me off, but for some reason I am annoyed with him. I think I am entering that "girl" phase I sometimes go into, you know, where I get tired of meaningless (hot) sex and want something "more"... like you would find in an honest to goodness relationship. I definitely don't have those feelings for the special-friend, it's just straight up physical. Pretty damn good I might add, but there isn't any meaning behind it, so I get annoyed with him, and am losing interest because I'm being a freakin girl and wanting someone I care-care about, more than just as a platonic friend or whatever.
I am aware I am a bit of a oddity among people, very "unique" shall we say. And I am also aware that I have incredibly high and specific standards for what I am looking for in a potential mate. I know what I want and I won't flex or settle for less than that, period. Last week I came up with the conclusion that I will have to wait until graduate school to find anyone on the same "scientifically-edumacated" level (yes, I intentionally spelled that wrong lol).
Okay... then there is this dude... I met him in the visual-neuro lab at school last Thursday (my neuro class required that we do some testing on one of their new brain anatomy programs) and this guy is the graduate research assistant for the lab. And he is good-looking. Not in the traditional "Abercrombie-male-model" kind of way, in a different way... can't put my finger on it. But the boy has some pretty eyes, decent build, and smart as a whip about brains, and *THAT* above all else is straight up super sexy. He scored additional points with me after being as excited as I am about my iPhone apps for neurosci and neuroanatomy (one was similar to his program in the lab so I showed him and he was pretty stoked about it), that too, incredibly attractive quality.
Good news is that he did not have a ring on that important left hand finger.
Here's the conundrum. First, he may be dating someone. Or he could even be engaged. Hell, he's attractive, smart, funny, and all of that shit, how he could be single is beyond me. Then again, I am smart (I hope) and people find me attractive and I am funny (this I know from feedback) and I am definitely single. So it's possible that he is too. Then again, I'm a nutter-butter weirdo. Which isn't all bad, but I know it isn't exactly everybody's cup of tea. Beyond the nutter-butter thing, I do have a rare personality type. Very eclectic. For example, I drive my big diesel truck, I am tomboyish in that I love pretty much all things diesel engine related (tuning them up, the smell of diesel smoke, the smell of diesel fuel, etc), I love football (GO RAIDERS!), I generally think like a dude, I don't like females, I don't like dressing up all that often, I love outdoor activities, I hate gossip mags, I hate girl "cliques" in general, I don't toy around and play games... yet I love my Coach purse, am very anal about my nails looking nice (currently they are a deep ass purple, almost black, but not quite), I love going tanning and being tan, I love putting makeup on and getting myself to look all pretty in the face, I love getting my hair "done" (cut, highlighted, etc.), I love good decor in my home, I love my truck when it is all shiny and clean (that's gender neutral though)... etc. There are many other things about me, that are a mix of many "types". So it's going to take a unique person to dig all that I am rockin' with.
So I have a little crush on this guy, and I spend 5 minutes thinking "what if", and then my sensible side barges in with the "you idiot, he's probably in a realtionship and if not, I doubt he's gonna be interested in your weirdness and bucket full of issues (including the fact I wall myself off, don't trust people, am misanthropic, and have the whole social anxiety/paranoia/obsessive/volitile stuff from the BD)". Then I think that I am kinda groovy despite and because of this stuff. And I'm a damn good person. And *I'm* single, so he could be too.
At any rate, this goes back and forth in my head and it is really annoying. I have been trying not to think about it AT ALL... but that doesn't always happen as planned. When I do think about it though, I quickly change the topic in my mind. Not going to obsess over this!
*BUT*... while showing me how the program works at different stages, he had to sit next to me, we shared some giggles, and smart things, and the last time he sat next to me, when he put his elbow up on the desk, it touched my elbow on the desk a little. I definitely didn't move mine away, and he didn't either until he got up when I needed to complete the next testing section. That and I totally caught him checking my boobs out, which cracked me up. And for once, I wasn't annoyed by it (which is definitely unusual for me). I didn't have a low cut shirt on, but I did have a scoop neck and somehow that morning I noticed the boobs looking firmer and had a lot of "umph" to them, hell I kinda stared for a second, and then tried to pull the shirt up a bit, but still, they were looking pretty good even with the shirt pulled up. Nice and round LOL. I do have decent sized knockers, I won't lie. Anyhoo...
So, like any good idiot, I penciled myself in for the same time slot this Thursday. Yes, I am an idiot. BUT... I have my little crush, which in of itself is VERY rare for me to have a crush on someone, so I am rolling with it. And am making a conscious effort to not ignore him, and to smile, and generally be "open" in such a way that conveys interest, but not in a creepy stalker way. I have a habit of having these walls, and if I am into a dude, they may never know it because I make a point to NOT appear to be just another moronic girl because I have being vulnerable in any way, shape, or form, so I end up coming across as aloof and indifferent to the dude. I'm trying to not do this with this dude.
Awwwww I have a crush.
And I totally hate it! BAH. Because while it may be nice to have little "what ifs" in my head about to potential for a bit of dating with a desirable dude, but then there is the inevitible let-down that will come when he either isn't in to me, or is in a relationship. But then again, maybe he isn't...
See. I'm obsessing again. I am definitely feeling like a girl.
And I don't like it. Because if he is not interested/available, I will feel disappointment, and I don't like feeling that emotion. It sucks, and I have had a ton if it in the past with regard to male counterparts, and I hate it and am a little terrified of it and overly sensitive to "rejection". BAH!!! lol :-)
I am aware I am a bit of a oddity among people, very "unique" shall we say. And I am also aware that I have incredibly high and specific standards for what I am looking for in a potential mate. I know what I want and I won't flex or settle for less than that, period. Last week I came up with the conclusion that I will have to wait until graduate school to find anyone on the same "scientifically-edumacated" level (yes, I intentionally spelled that wrong lol).
Okay... then there is this dude... I met him in the visual-neuro lab at school last Thursday (my neuro class required that we do some testing on one of their new brain anatomy programs) and this guy is the graduate research assistant for the lab. And he is good-looking. Not in the traditional "Abercrombie-male-model" kind of way, in a different way... can't put my finger on it. But the boy has some pretty eyes, decent build, and smart as a whip about brains, and *THAT* above all else is straight up super sexy. He scored additional points with me after being as excited as I am about my iPhone apps for neurosci and neuroanatomy (one was similar to his program in the lab so I showed him and he was pretty stoked about it), that too, incredibly attractive quality.
Good news is that he did not have a ring on that important left hand finger.
Here's the conundrum. First, he may be dating someone. Or he could even be engaged. Hell, he's attractive, smart, funny, and all of that shit, how he could be single is beyond me. Then again, I am smart (I hope) and people find me attractive and I am funny (this I know from feedback) and I am definitely single. So it's possible that he is too. Then again, I'm a nutter-butter weirdo. Which isn't all bad, but I know it isn't exactly everybody's cup of tea. Beyond the nutter-butter thing, I do have a rare personality type. Very eclectic. For example, I drive my big diesel truck, I am tomboyish in that I love pretty much all things diesel engine related (tuning them up, the smell of diesel smoke, the smell of diesel fuel, etc), I love football (GO RAIDERS!), I generally think like a dude, I don't like females, I don't like dressing up all that often, I love outdoor activities, I hate gossip mags, I hate girl "cliques" in general, I don't toy around and play games... yet I love my Coach purse, am very anal about my nails looking nice (currently they are a deep ass purple, almost black, but not quite), I love going tanning and being tan, I love putting makeup on and getting myself to look all pretty in the face, I love getting my hair "done" (cut, highlighted, etc.), I love good decor in my home, I love my truck when it is all shiny and clean (that's gender neutral though)... etc. There are many other things about me, that are a mix of many "types". So it's going to take a unique person to dig all that I am rockin' with.
So I have a little crush on this guy, and I spend 5 minutes thinking "what if", and then my sensible side barges in with the "you idiot, he's probably in a realtionship and if not, I doubt he's gonna be interested in your weirdness and bucket full of issues (including the fact I wall myself off, don't trust people, am misanthropic, and have the whole social anxiety/paranoia/obsessive/volitile stuff from the BD)". Then I think that I am kinda groovy despite and because of this stuff. And I'm a damn good person. And *I'm* single, so he could be too.
At any rate, this goes back and forth in my head and it is really annoying. I have been trying not to think about it AT ALL... but that doesn't always happen as planned. When I do think about it though, I quickly change the topic in my mind. Not going to obsess over this!
*BUT*... while showing me how the program works at different stages, he had to sit next to me, we shared some giggles, and smart things, and the last time he sat next to me, when he put his elbow up on the desk, it touched my elbow on the desk a little. I definitely didn't move mine away, and he didn't either until he got up when I needed to complete the next testing section. That and I totally caught him checking my boobs out, which cracked me up. And for once, I wasn't annoyed by it (which is definitely unusual for me). I didn't have a low cut shirt on, but I did have a scoop neck and somehow that morning I noticed the boobs looking firmer and had a lot of "umph" to them, hell I kinda stared for a second, and then tried to pull the shirt up a bit, but still, they were looking pretty good even with the shirt pulled up. Nice and round LOL. I do have decent sized knockers, I won't lie. Anyhoo...
So, like any good idiot, I penciled myself in for the same time slot this Thursday. Yes, I am an idiot. BUT... I have my little crush, which in of itself is VERY rare for me to have a crush on someone, so I am rolling with it. And am making a conscious effort to not ignore him, and to smile, and generally be "open" in such a way that conveys interest, but not in a creepy stalker way. I have a habit of having these walls, and if I am into a dude, they may never know it because I make a point to NOT appear to be just another moronic girl because I have being vulnerable in any way, shape, or form, so I end up coming across as aloof and indifferent to the dude. I'm trying to not do this with this dude.
Awwwww I have a crush.
And I totally hate it! BAH. Because while it may be nice to have little "what ifs" in my head about to potential for a bit of dating with a desirable dude, but then there is the inevitible let-down that will come when he either isn't in to me, or is in a relationship. But then again, maybe he isn't...
See. I'm obsessing again. I am definitely feeling like a girl.
And I don't like it. Because if he is not interested/available, I will feel disappointment, and I don't like feeling that emotion. It sucks, and I have had a ton if it in the past with regard to male counterparts, and I hate it and am a little terrified of it and overly sensitive to "rejection". BAH!!! lol :-)
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