Holy crap have I been an emotional sissy today! I had to watch a thing about the military and the mothers that are deployed. The scene of the mother's coming home made this wet shit come out of my eyeballs. It was not because of their particular situation but because seeing that reminded me that I never got to see (and have the closure of) my exhub coming home. He didn't die; he was stationed in Bahrain when the divorce was filed and I never saw him after that (I only saw his lovely attorney). I've thought in the past that never getting to see him "come home" may have had some impact on me... but it wasn't until this afternoon that I fully realized it.
Although, I also think it may have something to do with the fact I'm definitely rockin' out with that girly time of the month, or because I have seemed to be emotional lately in general... or something. Or maybe the dude I saw at the mall the other day that looked identical to him when he looked up, so much that if I saw a snapshot of that, I would have bet my life it was D. Virtually "seeing" him after never saying a real "goodbye" messed with me a little too... and then the movie... and well I'm a mess lol.
J has also had been almost in tears (I fight them back because I am too damn stubborn to cry over him or the exhubs so I end up with a headache). When I'm alone I let them out, but only if there isn't anyone around. I cleared off pics from my camera so my sister can borrow it today, and I saw pics from my last trip out to see J. Hello sadness and tears with a little bit of ouchy feelings. The pic of him in the truck, I know those hairs on his arms, the wrinkles in his forehead, his finger nails, the pores on his nose, I know all of that. It's all so familiar but I will never see it again. And his last actions were so not familiar and such a deviation from his personality and everything he has said and/or done up for 4 years up to that point. It sucks. Then my female friend from Boise posted pics of Boise (where J and I moved to and lived for almost a year together) on Facebook this evening and looking at my old home, and the place that I was going to move back to, and the place I still want to live (but won't because being so close to him would more than likely break my itty bitty black heart at this point in time)... I could smell the smell of the city, the smell of the foothills, the smell of the pine trees up in the mountains, the smell of the river, and all of my memories out there flooded back. And with them came the teary eyes. I miss my best friend. I miss my life with him, and I miss so much. But at the same time, just as everything is so familiar, it's incredibly foreign at the same time because it's been so long, and because that relationship no longer exists, in platonic or romantic form.
The war video made me think about my exhubs, and for the first time consider how him being in the military and away from home SO much impacted our relationship. Then I have regrets. I revisit the errors and mistakes I made. I almost have regret, and I cry for what was lost. Still, his employment and my mistakes don't negate the fact he was emotionally abusive and manipulative; I was generally unhappy and it was definitely an unhealthy relationship. That aside, I still have the liquid on my face thinking about it.
Oh fuck it, I closed my bedroom door. And yeah, crap is silently leaking from my eyes. I replay the words of some emails he sent while stationed far away right before the divorce was filed. His words of apology and regret for being abusive towards me (not physical, but the other ways), he wished he could take it back, and he wanted things to work and for me to stay... I think of those, and I wonder, if maybe this was the point at which he was going to change?? Would this have been it, that day I waited and wished for for nearly 6 years???? Or would this have been like all of the other times, when he would change for a few weeks, and invariably return to his old habits and behaviors? I know the latter is most likely the truth, but still... in this incredibly vulnerable state I am in right now, I wonder... and I cry.
I cry for so many things, the what ifs, the pain I felt back then, what I lost, I cry for D and I cry for J, the two men I loved with all of my heart that could not love me the same in return.
God damn, I have no idea why I am being like this. I haven't cried in a while over J, and hell it's been forever since I cried about D. And now both at once, and these damn memories keep intruding in my mind and I miss so many things.
I'm doing my best to focus on what I have gained in losing these relationships. My independence, sense of self, renewed focus on my education and future career, and the list goes on.
:::several hours later:::
Alrighty. Done with that tearing up bullshit. And back to designing icons for my iPhone theme I'm making. I'm WAY too anal to use any of the themes available on the jailbreak applications because they all have some part that doesn't suit me, and they never have all of the icons that I have on my spring board. So... I'm making my own. Apparently I have this hidden techy geeky side. Who knew.
Although, I also think it may have something to do with the fact I'm definitely rockin' out with that girly time of the month, or because I have seemed to be emotional lately in general... or something. Or maybe the dude I saw at the mall the other day that looked identical to him when he looked up, so much that if I saw a snapshot of that, I would have bet my life it was D. Virtually "seeing" him after never saying a real "goodbye" messed with me a little too... and then the movie... and well I'm a mess lol.
J has also had been almost in tears (I fight them back because I am too damn stubborn to cry over him or the exhubs so I end up with a headache). When I'm alone I let them out, but only if there isn't anyone around. I cleared off pics from my camera so my sister can borrow it today, and I saw pics from my last trip out to see J. Hello sadness and tears with a little bit of ouchy feelings. The pic of him in the truck, I know those hairs on his arms, the wrinkles in his forehead, his finger nails, the pores on his nose, I know all of that. It's all so familiar but I will never see it again. And his last actions were so not familiar and such a deviation from his personality and everything he has said and/or done up for 4 years up to that point. It sucks. Then my female friend from Boise posted pics of Boise (where J and I moved to and lived for almost a year together) on Facebook this evening and looking at my old home, and the place that I was going to move back to, and the place I still want to live (but won't because being so close to him would more than likely break my itty bitty black heart at this point in time)... I could smell the smell of the city, the smell of the foothills, the smell of the pine trees up in the mountains, the smell of the river, and all of my memories out there flooded back. And with them came the teary eyes. I miss my best friend. I miss my life with him, and I miss so much. But at the same time, just as everything is so familiar, it's incredibly foreign at the same time because it's been so long, and because that relationship no longer exists, in platonic or romantic form.
The war video made me think about my exhubs, and for the first time consider how him being in the military and away from home SO much impacted our relationship. Then I have regrets. I revisit the errors and mistakes I made. I almost have regret, and I cry for what was lost. Still, his employment and my mistakes don't negate the fact he was emotionally abusive and manipulative; I was generally unhappy and it was definitely an unhealthy relationship. That aside, I still have the liquid on my face thinking about it.
Oh fuck it, I closed my bedroom door. And yeah, crap is silently leaking from my eyes. I replay the words of some emails he sent while stationed far away right before the divorce was filed. His words of apology and regret for being abusive towards me (not physical, but the other ways), he wished he could take it back, and he wanted things to work and for me to stay... I think of those, and I wonder, if maybe this was the point at which he was going to change?? Would this have been it, that day I waited and wished for for nearly 6 years???? Or would this have been like all of the other times, when he would change for a few weeks, and invariably return to his old habits and behaviors? I know the latter is most likely the truth, but still... in this incredibly vulnerable state I am in right now, I wonder... and I cry.
I cry for so many things, the what ifs, the pain I felt back then, what I lost, I cry for D and I cry for J, the two men I loved with all of my heart that could not love me the same in return.
God damn, I have no idea why I am being like this. I haven't cried in a while over J, and hell it's been forever since I cried about D. And now both at once, and these damn memories keep intruding in my mind and I miss so many things.
I'm doing my best to focus on what I have gained in losing these relationships. My independence, sense of self, renewed focus on my education and future career, and the list goes on.
:::several hours later:::
Alrighty. Done with that tearing up bullshit. And back to designing icons for my iPhone theme I'm making. I'm WAY too anal to use any of the themes available on the jailbreak applications because they all have some part that doesn't suit me, and they never have all of the icons that I have on my spring board. So... I'm making my own. Apparently I have this hidden techy geeky side. Who knew.
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1 comments:
The end of a relationship is like the ending of a life, but worse. Death is final, exes are nagging thoughts full of why's, ifs and shoulds, accentuated by moments you'd like to see them again, but you know you don't want to and wish you never will.
Bleh.
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