Sad.

I was driving home from work on Wednesday and read a short email from an old friend in Idaho (I moved out there with J a few years back and came back here to finish my undergrad, plans to go back out there for grad school and that didn’t go as I had planned… I loved him, he liked me, end of story). Her second sentence said she saw [on Facebook] that J is engaged. I felt like I was donkey kicked in the chest, and partially doubled over in my seat (probably looking like an idiot). Even though I’ve been saying I’m over him, and telling myself all sorts of neat little gems, well damn it all to hell, I still love him. And a small part of me still clung to the “what ifs” and thought that maybe down the road things would work out. Part of what he was telling me is that he didn’t know if he could get married or all of that crap. Here is he, engaged, after dating this chick for 9 months. I always saw myself marrying him and growing old together. I still cannot believe it. He bought a ring, he proposed, on one knee and everything, wanting to spend the rest of his life with her. And here I am, I haven’t been able to go a day for the past 9 months (since we quit speaking after he told me about the liking me thing, I quit talking to him so I could move on because I know damn well that continuing to talk with him and be friends would kill me, and I try not to intentionally hurt myself) without thinking of him at least once a day. Things I see, things I do, things I hear, things I say, all of it, fucking all of it, brings his memory to mind. And then I think of him, and I miss him, and I want so bad to talk to him, he was my best friend for years, and he hurt me terribly, and lead me on for a while when I was planning to go back out there for graduate school, and then he pulled back… I didn’t understand it. I still don’t. He became this stranger, and the last conversations we had, I didn’t know him. He was almost cruel, he wasn’t himself, he wasn’t the way he usually is with me, the way it’s always been. He was cold and harsh. I had placed all of my trust in him, EVERYTHING, and he crushed that. And now he’s engaged. And I miss my friend. I want to tell him things that go on in my life, inside jokes we have from when we used to work together 5 years ago (and now I work with some of those same people), so many things. And his mother, she was like a second mother to me, and the night he and I left in our trucks to move to Idaho, she hugged me and said how much she wished for me to be her daughter-in-law. So did I.

I’m rambling. I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m crying too. I’m sad and I miss him and this isn’t how I thought things would go, and I’m lonely, and all I can remember is him, especially when we first met, the first time I saw him, and some of the things he said, the way he hugged me and wrapped his arms around me while we slept. I remember a time, shortly after we started dating (had been good friends for a bit before this) and I was laying on top of him on the couch, we were relaxing, and I felt like I was falling, being there with him, it was a feeling unlike anything I had felt before, or felt since. He felt it too, and said so, and asked if I was scared, because he kinda was, because he hadn’t felt this before either. He always said, that from the moment he met me, it was instantly like he had always known me, he phrased it something like, “oh hey, I know you” as being what he thought, and what his heart/soul whatever felt. We were instantly close. It was something my ex-husband and I didn’t share. It was something I haven’t had since then. And I haven’t gotten over him, not since I moved back to finish school and we stopped dating, not over the two years after that where I pretended I was over him, and not for the third year when I flew out to see him for a couple of weeks, twice, and the idea of me going to grad school out there was set up. The first time I went out there for a visit, he had to go into work for a quick minute so I took a walk along the river and picked wild flowers. I put them in a small cup for him on the stove as a “pretty”. I visited again 10 months later and the flowers, now dried, were still there. He moved them on top of the fridge because when he bumped them they would fall apart a little so they were safer on the fridge.

I miss him so much. His smile, the sound of his voice. The faces he would make. The funny voices he would talk in, especially his British accent, my goodness. The things he would say, his phrases, many of which I adopted, and now I say them, and then I think of him, I can hear him saying them, and it hurts. I’m tired of hurting. I’ve been hurting for a while now and would really like it to stop please. And now, he wants to spend the rest of his life with this other girl. I’m crushed. I’m so sad, and I miss him so damned much.

The night before he popped the question to this girl, or maybe it was the same night, well I had a dream, and he came back for me, and told me how much he loved me, and that he only said what he did because he was scared, and it was one of those vivid dreams that really messes with my head, like he’s really there saying that stuff… and I woke up, went to work, and halfway through the day found out he’s newly engaged. He’s never coming back for me. He doesn’t want me. He wants her. Not me.

And I love him.

So I am hurting.

I know this will pass, my divorce came and went, and I healed those wounds. This too will fade away. I am confident. I am also confident that things happen for a reason. Right now I do not know or understand that reason, but I know it is out there and I try to let that comfort me.

It doesn’t always though. I am lonely. I spend my day at work taking care of things at work, helping people, fixing shit, etc. I take care (emotionally) of my sister. My mom, well sometimes we are good and stuff, and sometimes we fight, but she’s not someone that I let “take care” of me. She used to, but now I am grown and I need something different to fill my new needs. I take care of others, but there isn’t anyone to take care of me. Hell I can’t even feel this emotion without thinking of him, because he told me he felt the same way a year or two ago. He described the lonely road, the same one I have been on for a little bit, he described the same feelings I have had about life and love, and everything, the exact same, word for word, and I want to talk to my friend about it, because we never needed to explain stuff because we always intuitively understood what the other was feeling.

I need to sleep; it’s so very late. But I am afraid to sleep. I don’t want to lay down and go through that haze of half awake and half sleep where dreams are vivid as well, and I am afraid to sleep and I am panicking a bit, and not rally hyperventilating but almost like that, and I am feeling the freak-outs come on, and I can’t do that. So I am going to take some lorazepam and go night-night.

Lorazepam and Tylenol are sitting in my belly now; the benzo for the obvious emotional state, and the Tylenol for my muscles. At the gym on Thursday I made a new top weight for my horizontal leg press: 250 pounds :o) I do three reps of 12, my first set was with 210, second set with 230, and third set with 250, and I was still able to do more past the 12 with the 250. This is good. And for the first time, my legs were sore the next day! I haven’t been able to get them sore yet since going back to the gym. Clearly I haven’t been pushing myself hard enough.

I wanted to sign up for a personal trainer but the problem there is that I had an accident with my bank account and they took $450+ in five days in overdrafts. I am going to call to talk to someone about that and see if we can’t find a happy middle ground here and give me half of my money back.

I also applied for a different spot at work. I don’t feel like typing any more, so if I get the spot then I will elaborate more.

I have so many responsibilities piling up, things to get done, bills to mail, issues with insurance to work out, get my mail Rx set up, school loans, next fall’s schedule, GRE study, my honors thesis, so many things I get panicked just thinking about them. So I won’t. I’ll numb out on the lorazepam for the night/early morning. I’ll sleep. Then wake. And at some point go to the gym and try to make a new high for leg press. And try to have the courage to do more than the few different weight things I do, because I get scared around other people and afraid I look stupid so I only do cardio and a few things with weights before I leave. I need to do more. I will. I’m getting better. I now workout on the main floor, mostly because I outgrew the leg press upstairs (it maxed out at 235 lbs). I’m trying.

I’m trying. That’s all anyone can ever do really. I keep going forward no matter what and always try again after I fall down. I do the best with the obstacles I face, in particular the brain instability and the pesky things which arise from that, and I try… so for that, my never ending drive, I am terribly thankful for.

:o)

Sleep well, everyone.