I work in the cash office at work. I have my little office, with a CD player, a nice big flat screen monitor, and most importantly, a locked frickin door so people can only bug me if I want them to. It's a lovely arrangement really. I cannot complain. At first I was bummed because I wouldn't be able to stalk Code 25 ( a regular customer that is attractive, nice body, and a very kind face with a lovely smile) anymore. Yet a strange thing has happened... I don't give a shit. Srsly. My sister called to say there was a hot dude by the front end (kinda where my office is) and that I should check him out. I didn't care. Didn't want to. I rather stay by myself and finish preparing the deposit for the Armored Truck people to pick up. I don't care if I run into Code 25 again either.
It is a strange new feeling, where for a while now I used to have this little ache to find someone and be with a 'good' someone. And I would be on the alert whenever I would go anywhere kinda looking for that someone and who it could be. I'd wonder whenever I saw someone I was attracted to.
But I don't anymore. I. Do. Not. Give. A. Shit. A very strange feeling. I tried to find a bit of that ache to be with someone, that desire to find a good dude, and it isn't there. I tried to fake it, but it isn't there. I don't freaking care. I don't care to look at hot dudes. I don't give a shit. I don't see a point in it at all. It's all retarded. Honestly, I kinda like this new state of mind. It's easier to not care and not have the idea of being on the lookout for a future-someone. And then I think, well don't they say that when you aren't looking is when you find someone? I'm clearly the opposite of looking or wanting it, so hell, I am gonna find someone soon? I think about that possibility, and am not into it. Nope, not one bit.
I like how things are now, I do what I want, when I want, and I can do whatever I need to do when I freaking want to. I dress how I want, I talk how I want, I say what I want, and nothing is tailored to others or for their benefit. I come home, throw my hair up in the messiest bun thing you've ever seen, and within 5 minutes I have my comfy sweats and PJ type clothes on. Hell, I impressed my sister the other day with my speed of changing outfits :o) I have my little pups, who give me love and cuddles, and I'm good. I have my pattern and my routines, and I like them! It's good. It's very good.
Better still, I'm becoming numb to the J thing. I haven't cried in a while. It still kinda sucks and makes me upset and angry sometimes. But it's getting better, so I cannot complain! Except for the nights when I dream about him. That can set me back a little bit because my dreams are so freaking real, it's creepy. And I stalk his FB sometimes when I am bored, I won't lie! I'm a loser like that. His last status I saw was about having the best woman in the world. That pissed me off. For 5 years he said that about me, even through us dating other people. He said nobody could ever compare; he gave me confidence and made me actually feel special and shit. Then he turns around and asks some bitch to marry him after 9 months of dating, and now she's the best. Maybe I'm being an idiot for still thinking about him and being a creepy FB stalker-loser. I'm working on quitting! Hahaha
Perhaps the issues with him, and the let-downs, and him being that idiot I trusted in a special way, and then finding it was a facade, realizing he was stringing me along in between him dating other chicks, he'd date and then ignore me until that particular bitch was out of the picture, telling me how he thought so-and-so was different form others, special, a great person, etc and then after 2 weeks of dating (and him subsequently getting dumped) he'd be back to the same old "Tiffany's the greatest" theme, well I wouldn't be surprised if this has something to do with my cold-hearted not giving a shit and not wanting to bother with dating state of mind! Hell I don't care if it does or not :o)
Well I'll be damned... typing this, I just turned another corner in my mind (I love progress!). Reading in my own words how things ended with me and him, recalling how he would always so I was too good for him, and other self-depricating things, and then how it all ended, well... I'm one more step, kinda a big one, from wanting him and missing him. I can look back on the past 5 years and see things objectively and for what they were, without being overwhelmed by emotions for him which gave everything a rose colored hue. I see a lot of things I learned in my varying relationships with him. It's a very clear view I have in my head now. Man, writing shit is hella therapeutic!!!!!!!!!!! :o)
It is a strange new feeling, where for a while now I used to have this little ache to find someone and be with a 'good' someone. And I would be on the alert whenever I would go anywhere kinda looking for that someone and who it could be. I'd wonder whenever I saw someone I was attracted to.
But I don't anymore. I. Do. Not. Give. A. Shit. A very strange feeling. I tried to find a bit of that ache to be with someone, that desire to find a good dude, and it isn't there. I tried to fake it, but it isn't there. I don't freaking care. I don't care to look at hot dudes. I don't give a shit. I don't see a point in it at all. It's all retarded. Honestly, I kinda like this new state of mind. It's easier to not care and not have the idea of being on the lookout for a future-someone. And then I think, well don't they say that when you aren't looking is when you find someone? I'm clearly the opposite of looking or wanting it, so hell, I am gonna find someone soon? I think about that possibility, and am not into it. Nope, not one bit.
I like how things are now, I do what I want, when I want, and I can do whatever I need to do when I freaking want to. I dress how I want, I talk how I want, I say what I want, and nothing is tailored to others or for their benefit. I come home, throw my hair up in the messiest bun thing you've ever seen, and within 5 minutes I have my comfy sweats and PJ type clothes on. Hell, I impressed my sister the other day with my speed of changing outfits :o) I have my little pups, who give me love and cuddles, and I'm good. I have my pattern and my routines, and I like them! It's good. It's very good.
Better still, I'm becoming numb to the J thing. I haven't cried in a while. It still kinda sucks and makes me upset and angry sometimes. But it's getting better, so I cannot complain! Except for the nights when I dream about him. That can set me back a little bit because my dreams are so freaking real, it's creepy. And I stalk his FB sometimes when I am bored, I won't lie! I'm a loser like that. His last status I saw was about having the best woman in the world. That pissed me off. For 5 years he said that about me, even through us dating other people. He said nobody could ever compare; he gave me confidence and made me actually feel special and shit. Then he turns around and asks some bitch to marry him after 9 months of dating, and now she's the best. Maybe I'm being an idiot for still thinking about him and being a creepy FB stalker-loser. I'm working on quitting! Hahaha
Perhaps the issues with him, and the let-downs, and him being that idiot I trusted in a special way, and then finding it was a facade, realizing he was stringing me along in between him dating other chicks, he'd date and then ignore me until that particular bitch was out of the picture, telling me how he thought so-and-so was different form others, special, a great person, etc and then after 2 weeks of dating (and him subsequently getting dumped) he'd be back to the same old "Tiffany's the greatest" theme, well I wouldn't be surprised if this has something to do with my cold-hearted not giving a shit and not wanting to bother with dating state of mind! Hell I don't care if it does or not :o)
Well I'll be damned... typing this, I just turned another corner in my mind (I love progress!). Reading in my own words how things ended with me and him, recalling how he would always so I was too good for him, and other self-depricating things, and then how it all ended, well... I'm one more step, kinda a big one, from wanting him and missing him. I can look back on the past 5 years and see things objectively and for what they were, without being overwhelmed by emotions for him which gave everything a rose colored hue. I see a lot of things I learned in my varying relationships with him. It's a very clear view I have in my head now. Man, writing shit is hella therapeutic!!!!!!!!!!! :o)
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