Okay I spoke too soon about that J thing. I'm in another pissed phase right now. It doesn't matter though. Can't do anything about it so there isn't any use in dwelling upon it. He's an indecisive game-playing idiot. And no, I don't think I would date him again if he changed his mind and wanted to. I'm done with his shit. But still.
Moving on.
In other news, well, there isn't much. I've been in a funk here for a good minute, and don't have the urge or desire to do squat. I'm more than a little scattered, lack of concentration, and don't care if my clothes aren't washed. I don't care to do them. I don't care to shower as often as the normal would. I'll go a few days. I use deodorant and don't smell nasty. To be safe, I spray myself with either Febreeze or this other scentless odor remover spray before going into work. When my hair is nasty greasy, I wear a baseball cap. It's a simply fix and nobody is the wiser for it.
I'm thinking about another change in the meds here, but I'm not at all certain what direction I would go in. Antipsychotics are out, I hated that crap when I was on Abilify before. No freaking way will I go down that road again. Lamictal is a wonder drug, and I can feel when I forget my noon-time dose. About 3pm, I start wigging out. It's crazy how it works. The wigging out and getting that feeling, the "crazed" madness, for lack of a better word, is what reminds me I didn't take it. Then I take it, and things settle down a bit. Without the Lamictal I still have daily bouts of the crazed crap, but it is somewhat manageable. More so than without the drug. Without it, I am not in control. It is such a terrible feeling, I wish I could put it into words.
I have been dipping into the Vicodin just a wee-bit. I took a few last week. My sister had them for her root canal and didn't need all of them. Man, I have missed those babies. It's a wonderful calm, things slow down, my brain slows down, and I am filled with a subtle euphoric high, from which nothing can bring me down. It's quite lovely, really. I will not lie, if I had access to them, I would be doing this FAR more often. I was very interested (still am!) in buying some off of somebody, *but* this activity usually requires knowing someone I can actually buy them from. I don't in this case. So, clearly, I am not. It's a bit of a bummer.
I need to wash my bed sheets. I love my dog, but she has managed to get hair EVERYWHERE. It's rather nasty, I am sure. But I don't give a crap. It doesn't bother me. I don't feel like cleaning it, like with the laundry and showering. I don't have the energy for crap. Don't judge.
I still do get into my obsessive task-oriented phases. This worked out good for my sister last week. I emptied the trash out her car because I know that isn't helping her depressed and/or self-liking issues. So I thought it would be nice to take some stress off of her. And her car was freaking nasty dirty. I became obsessed with this task, and four hours later her car was pristine. I challenge a professional detailer person to have done a better job. I cleaned the living hell out of that vehicle, down to toothbrushing the cracks and crevices to get the dirt out and tank-vacuuming the stains all out of her carpets and upholstery. I couldn't stop. My hair was so wet from sweat due to working in the humidity (not the ends, but a good two inches away from my scalp!). It was nasty but I was obsessed with removing every ounce of dirt. And I pretty much did.
So I have those spurts. My main obsession is still with designing my iPhone theme. It is a complete theme, with just about every single GUI image being edited or replaced completely. I want to sell this badboy on Cydia and Rock. I want some extra cash. But more than that, I am obsessed with my phone being just the way I want it, and perfect. I've redone almost all of the images several times, if not more, trying to get them just how I want to look at them. It's a bit ridiculous. But I'm dead set on it.
The bitch is I haven't been working on school. Not my honors thesis research thing, not my GRE studies, NOTHING. It's retarded. I can't until the theme is done and the theme isn't done until it is perfect. I get nervous, stressed, and disgusted at the idea of doing school stuff when the theme remains incomplete. Can't. Do. It.
Very frustrating. So I am going to try to bust out most of the finale touches tonight so I can actually get to the school stuff which I know will make me happy and give me a nice, purposeful, fulfilled feeling.
Moving on.
In other news, well, there isn't much. I've been in a funk here for a good minute, and don't have the urge or desire to do squat. I'm more than a little scattered, lack of concentration, and don't care if my clothes aren't washed. I don't care to do them. I don't care to shower as often as the normal would. I'll go a few days. I use deodorant and don't smell nasty. To be safe, I spray myself with either Febreeze or this other scentless odor remover spray before going into work. When my hair is nasty greasy, I wear a baseball cap. It's a simply fix and nobody is the wiser for it.
I'm thinking about another change in the meds here, but I'm not at all certain what direction I would go in. Antipsychotics are out, I hated that crap when I was on Abilify before. No freaking way will I go down that road again. Lamictal is a wonder drug, and I can feel when I forget my noon-time dose. About 3pm, I start wigging out. It's crazy how it works. The wigging out and getting that feeling, the "crazed" madness, for lack of a better word, is what reminds me I didn't take it. Then I take it, and things settle down a bit. Without the Lamictal I still have daily bouts of the crazed crap, but it is somewhat manageable. More so than without the drug. Without it, I am not in control. It is such a terrible feeling, I wish I could put it into words.
I have been dipping into the Vicodin just a wee-bit. I took a few last week. My sister had them for her root canal and didn't need all of them. Man, I have missed those babies. It's a wonderful calm, things slow down, my brain slows down, and I am filled with a subtle euphoric high, from which nothing can bring me down. It's quite lovely, really. I will not lie, if I had access to them, I would be doing this FAR more often. I was very interested (still am!) in buying some off of somebody, *but* this activity usually requires knowing someone I can actually buy them from. I don't in this case. So, clearly, I am not. It's a bit of a bummer.
I need to wash my bed sheets. I love my dog, but she has managed to get hair EVERYWHERE. It's rather nasty, I am sure. But I don't give a crap. It doesn't bother me. I don't feel like cleaning it, like with the laundry and showering. I don't have the energy for crap. Don't judge.
I still do get into my obsessive task-oriented phases. This worked out good for my sister last week. I emptied the trash out her car because I know that isn't helping her depressed and/or self-liking issues. So I thought it would be nice to take some stress off of her. And her car was freaking nasty dirty. I became obsessed with this task, and four hours later her car was pristine. I challenge a professional detailer person to have done a better job. I cleaned the living hell out of that vehicle, down to toothbrushing the cracks and crevices to get the dirt out and tank-vacuuming the stains all out of her carpets and upholstery. I couldn't stop. My hair was so wet from sweat due to working in the humidity (not the ends, but a good two inches away from my scalp!). It was nasty but I was obsessed with removing every ounce of dirt. And I pretty much did.
So I have those spurts. My main obsession is still with designing my iPhone theme. It is a complete theme, with just about every single GUI image being edited or replaced completely. I want to sell this badboy on Cydia and Rock. I want some extra cash. But more than that, I am obsessed with my phone being just the way I want it, and perfect. I've redone almost all of the images several times, if not more, trying to get them just how I want to look at them. It's a bit ridiculous. But I'm dead set on it.
The bitch is I haven't been working on school. Not my honors thesis research thing, not my GRE studies, NOTHING. It's retarded. I can't until the theme is done and the theme isn't done until it is perfect. I get nervous, stressed, and disgusted at the idea of doing school stuff when the theme remains incomplete. Can't. Do. It.
Very frustrating. So I am going to try to bust out most of the finale touches tonight so I can actually get to the school stuff which I know will make me happy and give me a nice, purposeful, fulfilled feeling.
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5 comments:
obsessive task-oriented phases<<I have never heard that term before but that is EXACTLY what I do!! And Abilify...well, it's the devil's drug!
Yeah, I didn't even talk about the sheet thing. The bed keeps unmaking itself. An inanimate object is begging to be washed.
Don't start drinking, that's the advice I actually know.
And I know I need a med changed, but Abilify ain't happening for me again either. AP's aren't cool.
I've been lurking, without any advice, but that's not productive, so I won't offer advice, but I will offer the hope you have a really good weekend. :)
I cleaned out my closet. The old, non-fitting, and/or winter clothes are no longer in there. Granted they are now overflowing from a clear plastic tub on my floor... but hey, it's progress.
@ Donda, those phases can be productive, and annoying. grrrr.
@ Elizabeth, I'm terrified to drink! I don't know for sure what my emotional reaction will be and if I may end up feeling worse. Drugs on the other hand, are reliable. So I'm all about those! Lorazepam and hydrocodone are my personal favorites.
@ Jess, thank you! The weekend has been well, mostly. Although I have spent the majority of my time sleeping, and now on the laptop looking for vintage t-shirts and random things, like a hair straightener~
Hi I am 27 with 2 kids I was diagnosed bipolar about 5 years ago, 2 years ago I was put on Lamictal and Effexor XR and it changed my life I was able to function normally and be a better mom. Your blog makes me feel not so alone.
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