I want to ram my head into a wall. I am not currently about to think clearly, study, read, do anything toward my research thesis, study, think, anything. I want to smash my body into the wall on the other side of my bed. I want to scream and yell, destroy things and destroy my body. I've been doing a semi-job at that lately anyhow, scratching the skin off of bug bites and picking the scabs twice a day, smearing the blood around on my leg, picking and pulling the skin apart. Hair has been plucked out as well. Same with eyelashes. My legs are hideous. Regardless of how horny I am and want/need to get laid, I'm too embarrassed by my scabby scarred legs to get naked with anyone. I'm disgusting. I hate to admit this but I do the same thing when I get ingrown hairs in my bikini region. I go on a "hunting" trip and "fish" the hairs out of my skin with tweezers and/or a needle. I make the whole thing more unsightly by my fishing expedition than it was in the first fucking place. And now the fun-spot looks ridiculous as well as my legs, and there is reason #2 that I will not be getting laid any time soon. I hate my ridiculous habit of skin-tearing. It's stupid. I look stupid. And I love doing it.
Dammit I hate myself sometimes.
Okay I can see my brain is a bit on the fucking retarded side of things today and it is getting worse as time moves on.
So I will go and take some god damned fucking lorazepam. Which will probably put my dumb ass to sleep. Which is fucking annoying.
Sometimes I am mildly amused by myself, I look so normal on the outside, and for reasons beyond me, males literally stop and stare when I walk by sometimes (I hate my hips but what-the-fuck ever), but if those idiots only knew how ridiculous things were. It's amusing, "yeah you think you want me? ha, think again, asshole".
I have bipolar disorder which is a total blast. No, I do not write in this blog for pity or to wallow in my troubles. I blog for two reasons: 1.) It is incredibly therapeutic for me since I don't talk to anyone face to face about these things, and 2.) my words sometimes help others who are rocking out with similar issues. Which is rad. I'm all about some teamwork here.
I'm not out on a mission to offend your delicate sensibilities. So if you don't like something I write, I suggest you pull the panties out of your bum and exit the blog. Nasty comments aren't cool, and they make me cry.