I finally grew the balls to actually increase my lamotrigine dose. I went from 200mg to 250mg per day without brain improvement. A few days ago I increased things to 300mg per day (150 twice a day).
And now I am dumber than a bag of rocks.
Seriously.
The crazy is remarkably reduced compared to last week. I do not have a frenzy in my head 29 hours a day (yes, I said 29, it's true). I have periods of calmness and peace. It's pretty awesome. In some ways, I kinda feel like I'm high all the time. A little detached, a little floaty, like drifting through life on a giant cotton cloud. I dig it. I'm sure as hell A LOT happier. I mean a lot. Big time happier. Not feeling crazy all the time is a huge relief. I have extended periods of peace. Everything is slower...
But the cotton has spread to my brains. And taken over.
While my procedural memory is mostly still rockin' things out, Mr. Explicit Memory has taken a freakin' hike. This is pretty much not a good thing. Throughout the work day I can perform my tasks and functions just fine. I've been doing these things for 7+ years, so it's fairly well ingrained. Procedural. Thankfully that stuff is intact. But I have one hell of a time with the other things throughout the day. I forget conversations, I forget who the hell I've talked to about whatever particular thing. I walk through Walmart and come to a dead stop at an aisle intersection because I cannot remember what the hell I was doing (my sister looked at me weird and reminded me we were headed to the exit). I get confused on my drive home and a little disoriented on this one stretch of (country-ish) highway. I asked a gal I work with if she was the one I talked to earlier that needed help figuring something out for a customer's issue, and if so, I was here to finish that task. She looked at me confused (lots of folks have been doing that today) and said yeah it was her, but that we already took care of it (I was standing right there with her and selected the account money needed to be moved from).
This isn't like normal forgetfulness. I've had normal forgetfulness. I know what it's all about. This is another type of brain-fart that I only get with meds (the mix long ago of Abilify and Tegretol in addition to Lamictal had me super stupid and pretty much comatose).My thinking is slowed as a whole. I'm usually snappy with my thoughts and quick/sharp minded. Now I'm dull. Like trying to run through chest deep water when I used to run on a track.
Forgetting conversations and what I was doing is one thing. I'm cool with that. Bring it on, I'll pass it off as being an air head. No biggie. However... it's a REAL BITCH when my academic focus and neuroscience-thinking-studying is compromised. This I cannot allow to happen. This is my future. My brain will get me to a lovely graduate school where I will get a lovely PhD and (well the plan is) become rather successful in my research via poking brains. Thinking through cotton will not facilitate my goals; it will hinder them.
Sanity versus my education and future. Both are so intertwined. I need the sanity to be happy and hopefully have some normal social functioning including friends and (gasp) a boyfriend thing. Yet I don't think I will be happy without neuroscience being a big part of my life, I mean, it's my one *thing*.
So I'm going to try to mix in a little more Adderall into the equation and see if that helps life my brain out of the water and bring Mr. Explicit Memory back home. Recently I have been taking 5-10mg per day (the Rx is written for 20mg/day). Sooooo what about moving the daily dose up to 15-20mg? Will this help?!
Shit fire, it needs to work.
I will keep the blog updated. Fingers and toes crossed!
P.S. I've been really shitty about replying to the emails blog readers have sent, and I'm sorry if you all are reading this (not sorry you're reading it, just sorry my response skills suck!). I'll definitely get back to you!!!
And now I am dumber than a bag of rocks.
Seriously.
The crazy is remarkably reduced compared to last week. I do not have a frenzy in my head 29 hours a day (yes, I said 29, it's true). I have periods of calmness and peace. It's pretty awesome. In some ways, I kinda feel like I'm high all the time. A little detached, a little floaty, like drifting through life on a giant cotton cloud. I dig it. I'm sure as hell A LOT happier. I mean a lot. Big time happier. Not feeling crazy all the time is a huge relief. I have extended periods of peace. Everything is slower...
But the cotton has spread to my brains. And taken over.
While my procedural memory is mostly still rockin' things out, Mr. Explicit Memory has taken a freakin' hike. This is pretty much not a good thing. Throughout the work day I can perform my tasks and functions just fine. I've been doing these things for 7+ years, so it's fairly well ingrained. Procedural. Thankfully that stuff is intact. But I have one hell of a time with the other things throughout the day. I forget conversations, I forget who the hell I've talked to about whatever particular thing. I walk through Walmart and come to a dead stop at an aisle intersection because I cannot remember what the hell I was doing (my sister looked at me weird and reminded me we were headed to the exit). I get confused on my drive home and a little disoriented on this one stretch of (country-ish) highway. I asked a gal I work with if she was the one I talked to earlier that needed help figuring something out for a customer's issue, and if so, I was here to finish that task. She looked at me confused (lots of folks have been doing that today) and said yeah it was her, but that we already took care of it (I was standing right there with her and selected the account money needed to be moved from).
This isn't like normal forgetfulness. I've had normal forgetfulness. I know what it's all about. This is another type of brain-fart that I only get with meds (the mix long ago of Abilify and Tegretol in addition to Lamictal had me super stupid and pretty much comatose).My thinking is slowed as a whole. I'm usually snappy with my thoughts and quick/sharp minded. Now I'm dull. Like trying to run through chest deep water when I used to run on a track.
Forgetting conversations and what I was doing is one thing. I'm cool with that. Bring it on, I'll pass it off as being an air head. No biggie. However... it's a REAL BITCH when my academic focus and neuroscience-thinking-studying is compromised. This I cannot allow to happen. This is my future. My brain will get me to a lovely graduate school where I will get a lovely PhD and (well the plan is) become rather successful in my research via poking brains. Thinking through cotton will not facilitate my goals; it will hinder them.
Sanity versus my education and future. Both are so intertwined. I need the sanity to be happy and hopefully have some normal social functioning including friends and (gasp) a boyfriend thing. Yet I don't think I will be happy without neuroscience being a big part of my life, I mean, it's my one *thing*.
So I'm going to try to mix in a little more Adderall into the equation and see if that helps life my brain out of the water and bring Mr. Explicit Memory back home. Recently I have been taking 5-10mg per day (the Rx is written for 20mg/day). Sooooo what about moving the daily dose up to 15-20mg? Will this help?!
Shit fire, it needs to work.
I will keep the blog updated. Fingers and toes crossed!
P.S. I've been really shitty about replying to the emails blog readers have sent, and I'm sorry if you all are reading this (not sorry you're reading it, just sorry my response skills suck!). I'll definitely get back to you!!!
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