I'm behind as hell in school. I cannot concentrate. Or focus. It's driving me insane. I try SO DAMN HARD to force my brain to grasp a concept, and I try to get it to focus and absorb the information I want it to, but my head feels lost in a fog, it's hard to get in contact with, and there is a thick layer of cotton and jello strips (like lasagna noodles) around my hippocampi preventing anything I try to teach myself from getting stored in long term memory. It affects my working memory too. It's stupid. I've wasted SO much time today, not getting SHIT done for school, for grad apps, for the GRE, nothing. I HAVE DONE FUCKING NOTHING. And I've been at my desk since 10am. I would have been at the desk sooner, but my stupid ass slept.
This is driving me crazy. I don't know what the hell. I'm panicky inside. And not just because I'm behind, well of course part of that is involved, but it's beyond that "normal" kind of panic. It's mixed with the "crazy" bits of rapidly-escalating-type panic. And yeah, sucks ass.
I don't know what to do. I feel so....
I can't describe it.
This is driving me crazy. I don't know what the hell. I'm panicky inside. And not just because I'm behind, well of course part of that is involved, but it's beyond that "normal" kind of panic. It's mixed with the "crazy" bits of rapidly-escalating-type panic. And yeah, sucks ass.
I don't know what to do. I feel so....
I can't describe it.
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7 comments:
hey!
sorry you're feeling so crappy, i hope things have improved for you at least a little bit, with your work and getting all strung out too
i have bipolar 2 and really know how you feel with the total lack of being able to focus on anything and concentrate, the anxiety and panicky feelings inside - its sucks
i just wanted to tell you about something thats made a huge difference to me and something else that i hope will do very soon!
the first is fish oils - i started taking them when i was pregnant and they have been the only thing ever to have lifted my depression in years - it was a revelation to me, and i would virtually beg anyone to try it, i felt like i got my life back. they have to be good quality and from pure waters, i get mine at the mo from xtend-life and they are a great company, with lots of advice and help to offer
the second thing is that i have just been diagnosed with something called pyroluria. i had never heard of it (like most doctors) but i recently had a whole pile of tests done and i suffer badly with this. google it and see what you think. it is very common and mainly seen in people who also suffer bi polar, schizophrenia, alcoholism, autism etc.
it basically is a bloody disorder that means that your body doesnt process vit b and zinc properly which has a huge impact on your energy, irritation, anxiety and reactions to stress. it means that your mind and body totally over react to any kind of stress and its v hard to calm down again.
its really easy to deal with with high doses of the right kinds of vitamins and i believe its a urine test you can get done in various places (your gp may not be able to help)
im about to start treatment and am so excited at the thought of maybe, just maybe being able to think straight, calm down, cheer up and not get waylaid with every little bit of stress that happens in my world (i cant even cope with holidays without being a grumpy moose through out as the preparation and travelling just take it out of me)
so yeah, see if you can get tested, it might help lots!
best of luck girl
tess x
I’ve just started blogging about my own manic break and hospitalization. It’s about recovery and treatment, but more importantly about discovery of a new post-religion faith where there is no hell, no original sin, you are God, and heaven on earth is real, radiant and right around the corner. A wild and triumphant ride. http://graduatingfromgod.blogspot.com/
It was funny to me to read this post. At the exact time that I stumbled across it, I was feeling exactly how you described. Procrastinating, in a fog, anxious as anything. Sometimes it's nice to know someone else out there understands.
http://morethansurvivingbipolar.blogspot.com/
Some things I can suggest are free writing and free drawing. Write or draw until you see something stand out at you on the page. Also set small goals for yourself during the day. Completing 5 small goals feels better that completing one fifth of a large goal.
I am close to being discharged from my second stay in a psychiatric ward. I worked hard at keeping my voice so I could draw, paint and write about were I saw myself in the world and where I wanted myself to be and or go when I left the hospital.
During my first stay I was more interested in playing psychiatrist and being everyone's friend. I was also on drugs that brought my manic high to a halt quicker than I wanted and kept lower than I wanted to be. Due to being on Resperidone and Valproic Acid.
I am currently taking Lithium and olanzapine. I still have my clarity and my thought's flow well, just without racing thoughts.
I hope this answer doesn't arrive too late from when you were asking for help.
Take care.
@Hilary: wild and triumphant ride is indeed correct! :)
@Erica: I'm adding you to my blog-watch-list-thing. That's my favorite thing about blogging, finding someone else who can totally relate. It is often some sort of a relief.
@Brendan: Before I went hardcore back to school, I did a lot of free writing (in a pretty suede journal, although the poop thing suffered from the occasional attacks of my pen when I'd dig it deep into the pages, kind of a violent free writing ;)
I created an oil painting during a particularly manic moment. I painted what I saw in my head. The painting means a lot to my mom and has it hanging in her room. Over the summer she had a BBQ for hr friends. This one lady told me how much she liked it and if I had done any other paintings. I told her I haven't, and that painting was done on a particularly "bored" day. She said I should be bored more often. I said, "pass". It was a bit amusing!
Thank you to you all :)
@SlummyMummy: I've recently started with fish oils, although no sign of improvement yet. But I'll gladly take them in absence of mental benefit because they are so good for my body physiologically.
I will look into the pyroluria for sure.
Thank you!
I am on fish oil as a dietary supplement. take it with vitamin and B complex and meds. I had already been taking it due to above mentioned physiology results, but tried to increase amounts when psyche said it would decrease depression. Major intestinal upsets. Anna thank you for sharing all this. I take 37.5 mg of lamictal to keep me from getting too low from the lithium I'm on. The lamictal actually keeps my brain from being mushy and helps with my focus. If you are ADD and on lamictal I would be worried. I would think it would make your brain out of control. When I am on a manic rage (usually in the spring), I sometimes have to decrease the lamictal a bit. And I'm not even on that much. Anyway, something to think about.
Meredith
http://thedailybipolar.blogspot.com/
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