nutter-butter extraordinaire

AHH-FREAKING-HA!!!!

2010-12-15T19:06:00.001-05:00

I just had it: a lightening rod, light bulb over the head, "Eureka!" moment. I know how to open my essay in an intriguing and captivating manner. Holy shit bombs. I'm so freaking stoked. I had the body planned out, like I said in my previous post, but the opener, how to grab attention of the admission folks, and show a unique side to me that illustrates my perseverance, smarts, and tenacity: that moment when I faced my ex-husband's attorney for the last time, that moment when he realized I had kicked his ass, that little ole' me, a whole twenty years old, pulled out a victory over his lying, perjuring, bullshitting ass [referring to the attorney, whom I dealt with throughout the thing, ex-hub wasn't primarily involved, he was stationed out of state]. I'll leave those details out of the personal statement... I think that would be a little *too* much color.

We sat there, under the harsh fluorescent lights, quite buzz filling the air and he sucked in the air and angrily flicked through the papers in front of him. He looked up, "How did you do this?"
"Do what?", I innocently asked.
"This, all of this," as he motioned to the bulging case file and resting at the notarized agreement in front of him. "Are you dating someone from law school? Consulting with an attorney on the side?"
"Nope. Just me."
"You need to get a hobby." he hissed.

I'll never forget that shit, man. Never. There were so many emotions that day, it was crazy. I was scared shitless, being in front of the courtroom, judge, it was real life coming head on. It wasn't a game of mock trials, it was legit. I was on the line, my property, my rights. And I stood alone to defend myself against thirty years of divorce attorney experience wound up in an angry little white haired man. With a rotund tummy. Fucking scared is what I was, and this wasn't the first time I'd had to be there. However, I have the ace in the hole this time. A week prior to the hearing for my motion, the ex-hub fully realized the pickle he was in. I was fighting for my rights on the civilian front and from within the Marine Corps. Bless the Department of Defense for some of the lovely codes and regulations they have, including perjury penalty clauses. And bless his CO's recognition of his little guy's screw up and the fact I wasn't going to relent in my quest to set this shit straight. I was damn sure NOT going to let him screw me over. I was not going to fall under and take $10,000 of debt that wasn't legally due upon me. I wasn't going to lose another $500 per month throughout the separation that was mine. I sure as hell was not cool with any of that nonsense.

Okay, back to work. Time to take my notes and turn this hodgepodge into a crafty creation that will somehow express who I am and why I am a lovely applicant.

Geeeze. Not nerve wracking at all.... :(

I will persevere, dammit!!! :)

Deadline!!!

2010-12-15T15:23:00.000-05:00

Well crap on a stick... my first deadline is in 9 hours! Three graduate apps due. Da-dummm....
Luckily I can use the same personal statement for all three.

Now... on to actually writing the personal statement. Yeah. Haven't whipped that bad boy out yet. I've tried, let me tell you. I've tried! And I have a statement down, but it's not a "winner" as far as I feel. It's not that I'm being hard on myself in this case, the statement is... empty. I've been trying to pin point what's missing and struggled big time with that!

Last night I spent hours hemming and hawing and feeling all kinds of lost with this task. Then the genius idea hit me: get a book that helps you prepare your material and work it out in a well written and logical order. DUHHHH. So I downloaded Kindle for Mac on my MacBook and went shopping. The first "book" I purchased helped me within five minutes. I am not shitting you. There was a preparatory exercise with some things to think about, questions to ask yourself, about yourself. I started thinking of them and immediately tried to conjure up things that I thought the admission people would *want* to hear. As before, it came out empty and hollow. I didn't feel that I put "me" into it. That won't do.

I started over, this time clearing out any idea of what the people may want to hear (as far as what I was thinking that would be) and wrote the honest to heck truth. I used free writing and let the ideas and things pour out onto the paper. I used my blank sheets and a few different colored slim Sharpies and a black roller pen. Ten loosely written pages later, I looked at what I believe to be a most excellent skeleton, framework it you will, for my personal statement-essay-thingie. It's *me*, I captured *me* (shit, I think, anyhow!) within the words, and wrote from the heart (corny, yeah I know, but that's the best phrase I can think of!). Seriously. I'm pretty pumped with what I have on paper thus far. Granted it's NO WHERE near finished, for crying out loud it's some jumbled sentences, partial thoughts, random descriptive words, and a lot of different colors (I colored coded the different themes I had going on throughout it).

The gist is there. The reasons I have had in my head and body (I can't say heart again, it sounds way too cliche and lame!) that I've been wanting to express, suddenly came out in a way that properly represents them. The guidelines I've read so far talk about using examples and keeping a consistent "theme" or tone throughout the essay. I tried, but was using too much logical and analytical thought. Once I spewed my brains out, I re-read my mini hodgepodge and found that I DID incorporate examples to back up the important qualities I want to share. I also have a general theme to my little life story and the things that have led up to my wanting to study neuro: giganto perseverance, and a wickedly inquiring mind, always seeking to find out "why", no matter what. That's the cliff-notes of it. My free-writing explained the time off from college when I was 20-22, highlighted the things working in the public business crap taught me and how I've benefitted, it explained my withdrawal from classes in my 24-25 years (due to the fact I was bat-shit crazy, but I politely kept that particular tid-bit out of the details) and focused on the positive impact that actually had on my direction with school.

So I hope it works out. I'll soon see.

I'm pretty pissed right now, just talked with the parental unit, she's going on and generally being stupid about my grad apps, acting like I should go to the store (currently in my PJs) and get salt for the drive way. Excuse me, NO. I need to get this shit done. It's kinda only my future really. No freaking biggie...
Then her dog that faints and is generally in not the greatest health started barking at me when I was arguing back about the importance of my freaking application essays (which I'd already spent time in the dog's room with her looking at some new stuff she got from a friend). So the fainting dog gets excited, she gets pissed at me for exciting him (my bad for freaking talking and having an opinion about something important that she didn't seem to realize), and this whole thing pissed me off. And I feel like head-butting the wall. Which I won't do, because app writing will certainly be more difficult if my head is lodged within drywall and insulation. Just sayin'.

One Hot Minute.

2010-12-12T20:16:00.000-05:00

So it's been a hot minute since I last wrote on here. I've been busy. I've been good. I've been half nuts. I've been mostly total nuts. Above all I've been real damn busy.

I had the subject GRE in October and the regular (second time) early November. Amazingly enough, I did *worse* on the regular GRE the second time. That's been great for my confidence. The subject one wasn't anything to write home about. I was in the 80's, not 90's, percentiles. Which is pretty damn bad if you ask me. Another lift for my spirits.

Classes are over now, for sure. Finally. Just submitted my last essay exam for pharmacology. Waiting on grades at this point. Which is annoying. Fairly certain I have an A in the graduate neuroscience, I have an A in my research section, and pharmacology is likely to be an A as well because my scores for the first three exams have been 100, 94, and 100. I don't see why the fourth on will suck too bad. Graduate cognitive class, there's a special one. He only has two essay exams, one being the mid-term and the other the final. My mid term had two essays and I scored and A and an A-. He doesn't assign point values, so I'm not too sure how he weights the grades. The final had 3 questions... so my fingers are pretty much crossed for that crap.

There's been a helluvalot of stuff I've wanted to write, but I haven't for one reason or another. Mostly because I've been so busy, trying to cram everything in. I lived in the lab for a couple weeks while running subjects for my study. That wore my ass out. I'd work at 5:10a, then class after work, followed by being in the lab until at least 8p, often until 10p. Every freaking day. I live an hour out of town and it was a pain.

I swapped to a new store, which has been VERY special. Oh. My. Special. How the flying hell can people be so damn ridiculous?!?! I work with some very special people. I have no words to sum the situation up. It's borderline amazing.

I've been dipping into the 'lows' recently, which may come across in this post not exactly being cheerful. I'm trying. Trust me, I've already deleted a lot of crap I wanted to include but that I felt was too 'down' to type and have others read.

I ran out of the lamictal on Friday, and I'll get some more tomorrow. I'm sure med thing isn't helping my lows at the moment. But even with the lamictal, last week, I was going down hill, a little more each day. Stress and demands from work, school, grad school, you know, there's so much fucking shit and I cannot type the details without half flipping out in my head. And crying from frustration.

So I think I'm done with this post now. Sorry if I'm cranky. I'm really not happy. And stressed. And scared. And pretty much alone. And I've had some real eff'ed up nightmares, the vivid ones that stick with you during the day, and where I still feel the emotions from the dreams as though they really happened. NOT HELPING. At. All.

Foggy headed.

2010-10-23T15:03:00.000-04:00

I'm behind as hell in school. I cannot concentrate. Or focus. It's driving me insane. I try SO DAMN HARD to force my brain to grasp a concept, and I try to get it to focus and absorb the information I want it to, but my head feels lost in a fog, it's hard to get in contact with, and there is a thick layer of cotton and jello strips (like lasagna noodles) around my hippocampi preventing anything I try to teach myself from getting stored in long term memory. It affects my working memory too. It's stupid. I've wasted SO much time today, not getting SHIT done for school, for grad apps, for the GRE, nothing. I HAVE DONE FUCKING NOTHING. And I've been at my desk since 10am. I would have been at the desk sooner, but my stupid ass slept.

This is driving me crazy. I don't know what the hell. I'm panicky inside. And not just because I'm behind, well of course part of that is involved, but it's beyond that "normal" kind of panic. It's mixed with the "crazy" bits of rapidly-escalating-type panic. And yeah, sucks ass.

I don't know what to do. I feel so....

I can't describe it.

Past pains suck.

2010-10-23T14:53:00.000-04:00

My dreams last night sucked. The ex-hub was in them, a lot. So was his current wife. And this totally confuses me because he is definitely not someone I want to be with. So why the hell is my subconscious dragging him up?! Very strange.

Then again, the dream with him didn't center on us having a relationship or anything like that. There was a reunion or something, and it's the first time since the divorce we've seen each other (true, I haven't seen the fool since I said, "peace out, jackass"). He was with me, talking with me, and the general gist of the dream was that his wife was pissed because he still had feelings for me and was all about talking to me, following me around, doing stuff with me (this dream seemed to cover several days of events). I laughed at her being pissed, and I pitied her being married to him.

The part that hurt, and subsequently followed me into my awake hours today, was the past ouchies being brought to the surface. I missed parts of the relationship, parts, not the whole, and the things I missed (being the things that didn't suck) mixed with the pain of the relationship and just... sucked ass. That mother effer did a number on me, that's for sure. I admit it.

The after-hours of the relationship were so fucking hard on me. The asshole attorney he had, who dragged out the divorce and tried to run me over, didn't help ease my pain. Not so much. Shocking, I know. Who would have thought?? So, I gave both of them the middle finger, said, "I don't think so, assholes", and kicked ass (solo, no attorney). Note: It wasn't an ass-kicking in the sense I screwed him over. Instead, I thwarted their attempts to screw *me* over, and all ended in a very fair manner.

I'm not going to go into the shit of all of that, it sucked, use your imagination. I wouldn't change the shit though. It's a part of who I am today. It made me stronger, tougher. I learned how to take care of myself. I learned how to kick ass, and gained the confidence to kick ass if I need to.

But it's kinda stupid to be brought up now, six years later. J has been on my mind too, and sucks a little more than the former. That one is definitely still raw. It's been a little over a year. I don't want him back, not after the way things ended. No, thank you very much. But I still miss shit, and it sure can make me sad as hell. I still hurt from time to time. Things remind me of him. I can't look at pictures of the mountains behind the city we used to live in (where I still have friends, who post pics on facebook) without feeling a stab of pain. He was my best friend, and there are things I want to tell him, talk about, and god damn him, I miss him sometimes, a LOT.

I don't know what the hell my problem is. Why all of this melancholy?!?!?!

It sucks.

(cannot think of a suitable title today)

2010-10-11T13:57:00.000-04:00

I was late today with my afternoon Lamictal dose. I am frustrated to no end with this particular situation. Yes, I am thankful as all hell that someone invented this lovely formula, *but* I am utterly pissed off that I turn into a nutter-butter if even 2 hours late on the afternoon dose. I am working today, so I took my morning dose at 5:30am, which makes being late for my noon dose more "noticeable". This feeling, this crazed business, it's lousy. I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I hate being out of my damn mind. I hate being so volatile. I hate not being "me", watching myself from a third person perspective as I act like a raving jackass. Super fun really.

Last week I took three graduate course exams over three days. Saturday was my Psych/subject GRE. I just about pulled my hair out. It's stressful as all hell. If I didn't have to pull a 40 hour a week job... this would be so much simpler. On a positive note, my research thesis project thingy is moving along. I am a couple hours away from completing the EPrime file (the program to run on the computer). Once that is complete I will run a few trials using other lab people or my sister, and then be good to go. I believe I will start running actual experimental subjects this Friday. I hope. I'm going to try to finish the file tonight and then open up the schedule and cross my fingers that folks will want to sign up!

I will find out how I did on my exams this Friday, I hope. I have my pharmacology exam tonight and I am feeling confident I will kick its ass. The psych GRE results take six weeks. Which is madness, I tell you, madness. This whole GRE business plays a significant role in my graduate school applications. I'm anxious to know where I stand.

This is kinda my future. It will determine where I go to school (obviously), what specifically I study, who I work with, my faculty mentor, the lab I work in, etc. It's going to direct my career. And I'm chillin' here not having a damn clue about any of it. I will start submitting applications soon. I need to wrap up my personal statement. And update my entirely too old CV. I need to wrangle letters of recommendations, which by the way, I don't know who the hell I am going to recruit for that. I'm at a loss. Of course the professor whose lab I work in, and I know he will give my a lovely review. I kick ass in there. And I have the neatest honors project of the folks, well at least the best chance of getting published. I suppose the "neat" factor is totally subjective. Being published on the other hand, regardless of how interesting one finds my experiment, being published is badass. Especially as an undergraduate student. And if I can present at a conference, even better. I need to secure these things ASAP so hopefully I can include some of this info on my CV before I send it to potential programs.

I have a shit-ton to do.

I am typing this from my truck in the parking lot at work. I can use my cell phone as a wi-fi router and access the interwebs from my laptop. It's pretty rad really. I can also set my laptop up in my office at work and watch/listen to video lectures. I use Open Courseware, particularly courses from MIT. They have superb faculty. Which I suppose isn't terribly shocking. It's an awesome way to branch my neuroscience and molecular biology knowledge. The ability to do that is one thing I do love about my job. The next two weeks at the job though are going to be insane. The audit is coming up, persons have left certain positions the get audited, and because I know all of these positions and nobody else in the store does (I perform them better than the persons who left as well), they look to me to fix things. At the same time I complete my current job. I want to please them, I want to get a good "grade" on the audit, and I want to be helpful. I try to take on too much (a seriously fault of mine) and end up going half-mad in the process. My sister's position will be audited too. I'm trying to clean up her business as well. She's relatively new to the spot and didn't have sufficient training to begin with. It's a messy situation and the last thing I want id for her to not make the grade.

Crap, time to go back in.

Jello.

2010-09-25T16:32:00.000-04:00

I currently have jello for brains. This is stupid. Pardon the negativity in this post. But seriously. I'm more than pissed right now. I have A TON OF CRAP to do for school and junk. I'm very behind. I'm stressed out. Freaked out. And I am having a ridiculously difficult time using the lump of jello within my skull. It feels like jello. Information and things I need to put INTO my brain bounce off of this piece of jello and float away. Simple things escape me. I forgot how to get to the airport this morning while taking my mom's friend there. It's all ridiculous. I sit and try to study. The stuff doesn't stick in my head and I read and reread and NOTHING. Like jello. Or I cannot concentrate and end up doing a heap of other perfectly pointless activities on the laptop and whatnot. Adderall isn't helping the concentration issue. I don't know what the hell I am going to do. Working full time, working in the lab, research thesis, graduate courses, and trying to NOT be a crazy person at the same time is pretty damn hard. I'm trying to remain positive and not bitch (hence why I haven't been posting much because I don't have squat to say that is 'happy') but this is seriously on my last fucking nerve. And I'm not sure what to do. And GREs are right around the corner as well.

Fuckitall.

Pardon me?

2010-09-16T20:24:00.000-04:00

I received a rather rude comment from an anonymous person who declared I make bipolar people look bad. It was a little ridiculous.

Aaaaaaand moving on.

There is a good chance my research project will be published, and it's 99% set in stone I will be presenting my results this spring at a conference in Florida. Nervous? You bet! I'm also VERY excited. I have a good shot at a scholarship to cover the costs of going to Florida to present. And there is an opportunity to apply for a grant to fund my research this year. That would be so very super kick-ass.

I'm getting ridiculously addicted to molecular neurobiology. It's pretty bad. Genetics are freaking rad. I never understood how cool E.coli and drosophila could be. Until now. EcoR1 is groovy as well. I thinking about a getting a license plate, "GAATTC"... hehe :)

I taught myself the details of the Krebs cycles, electron transports chain, and the pretty rad mechanisms of ATP synthase (I like those beta units!). I made a three sheet poster that is on my wall by my desk. That was a pretty fun night. *Almost* as fun as the time I figured out the molecular junk of neurotransmitters turning genes on and off!

I have a crap-load of reading to do. So I kinda need to stop typing. Plus it has been a hard week so I need to keep focused. I earned the second highest score on my exam in the graduate neuro class. I was pretty stoked. The under "grad" dog kicked some ass! I needed that extra motivation because like I said, things have been pretty balls ass shitty. And more than a little depressed. And nutty. I am SO lucky to have my passion and love for my chosen field of study; it is something that can make me happy at just about any point in time, regardless of how shitty I'm doing.

Time to go read more crap now.

alkejfio;aren oiugfaeriojhgf

2010-09-10T21:29:00.000-04:00

I'm still alive, just not typing that much on here. I'm stupid busy with school and that pesky full-time job.

Cliff Notes? Hm.

1. The females at work are wearing me out. It's ridiculous. Two are my boss, one is the part time associate that works the two days I work, and the other three are in a different position but that work in close proximity to what I do. They are clique-ish are drama-bound. It's disgusting. And on days when I am feeling a little off my rocker, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Which is annoying. And causes problems (sorta, they may be mostly in my paranoid head, who the hell really knows) when I'm more stable than anything. I keep vowing to keep my mouth shut at work ALWAYS... but it doesn't always work out that way. I'm a stubborn jackass who doesn't like to take shit from bitches, yet I also want to please and gain the approval of the two "bosses" because I'm a pathetic "pleaser" in that I want to be an excelling associate/employee/competent worker. Naturally I have quite a conflict going on between wanting to let the jackass smart-ass out and mock the idiots versus wanting to excel and please them. Often I find myself doing both. But the backstabbing and game playing and all of that shit is wearing on me emotionally.

2. School is overwhelming. Grad classes, a pharm class, my honors seminar and the honors research thesis. Then studying for the GRE and applying to real grad school this fall. I'm about this close to screaming.

3. Today sucked ass. I feel weird and "off", I'm half off of my rocker, pissed, and wanting to fly in a million directions. So with an ASS-TON of shit to do I sit here for the past two nights not doing anything fucking productive which only makes the shit I feel even worse and the stress level rise which makes everything a lot more stupid.

I need to go study now. Or something.

And repeat.

2010-08-16T23:42:00.000-04:00

Still the same; 200mg Lamictal just doesn't cut it. I can't keep a thought in my head and I'm ADD as frick. School work and studies? Ha. Yeah right. Well that's eff-ing fantastic really. Next Tues classes start, and my retarded self popped into graduate courses while I do my honors research thesis. All while I cannot stare at the same screen on my laptop without bouncing around... and forget about reading abilities. Let's face it, while I usually try to remain as positive as I possibly can about things, especially on here believe it or not (because actually typing the real bad stuff makes it permanent and in a way I don't want to give in and actually acknowledge the shitty feelings), so I'll be real for a sec... I'm not happy. Most of the time, not really. It's a struggle and more often than not I don't know what the hell I am struggling for. The point? Beats the shit out of me more often than not. But I'm a stubborn ass and won't quit. So instead I push myself and go half fucking bonkers in the process. I'm not making any sense right now. Nevermind.

Fail.

2010-08-14T20:13:00.000-04:00

I lowered the Lamictal dose today due to the cotton for brains issue. Here I am, once again about to jump right out of my skin. I have the concentration of a two year old which is making studying and learning new shit pretty damn difficult. The incessant desire to jump out of my skin doesn't help. My head is also killing me, has been all day. Stress? Maybe. Change in meds? Quite possibly. It's really pissing me off. Again, I don't feel much like typing these things out or trying to explain them. Peace out yo.

Oh bloody hell.

2010-08-13T19:56:00.001-04:00

Right. Well the cotton ball head is no longer an issue, well not as much as it was 12 hours ago. Or at least it won't be, I don't think. My groggy ass (Lamictal induced groggy, thank you very much) took a nap. I woke up about 10 minutes ago. As I was laying in bed thinking about what I should do once I got up... it crept up on me again. You know, that crazed stuff I was pleased to have extracted from my brain. I didn't take more Adderall (above the two 5mg doses I've had as usual) than normal. I still took my second dose of 150mg Lamictal and yet the dammed monster is BACK.

I'm all kinds of not pleased with a lot of things at the moment. And I'm sick of typing.

Cotton for brains, part II.

2010-08-13T17:49:00.000-04:00

Alright, this is ridiculous. How are there improvements in the type of memory that is failing me right now?!?! Perhaps the pediatric population differs in some way that makes such a thing possible... I'm going to ponder this.

Well, memory improvements for adults too.
I do agree with the improved emotional regulation.

Cotton for brains.

2010-08-13T17:18:00.002-04:00

I finally grew the balls to actually increase my lamotrigine dose. I went from 200mg to 250mg per day without brain improvement. A few days ago I increased things to 300mg per day (150 twice a day).

And now I am dumber than a bag of rocks.

Seriously.

The crazy is remarkably reduced compared to last week. I do not have a frenzy in my head 29 hours a day (yes, I said 29, it's true). I have periods of calmness and peace. It's pretty awesome. In some ways, I kinda feel like I'm high all the time. A little detached, a little floaty, like drifting through life on a giant cotton cloud. I dig it. I'm sure as hell A LOT happier. I mean a lot. Big time happier. Not feeling crazy all the time is a huge relief. I have extended periods of peace. Everything is slower...

But the cotton has spread to my brains. And taken over.

While my procedural memory is mostly still rockin' things out, Mr. Explicit Memory has taken a freakin' hike. This is pretty much not a good thing. Throughout the work day I can perform my tasks and functions just fine. I've been doing these things for 7+ years, so it's fairly well ingrained. Procedural. Thankfully that stuff is intact. But I have one hell of a time with the other things throughout the day. I forget conversations, I forget who the hell I've talked to about whatever particular thing. I walk through Walmart and come to a dead stop at an aisle intersection because I cannot remember what the hell I was doing (my sister looked at me weird and reminded me we were headed to the exit). I get confused on my drive home and a little disoriented on this one stretch of (country-ish) highway. I asked a gal I work with if she was the one I talked to earlier that needed help figuring something out for a customer's issue, and if so, I was here to finish that task. She looked at me confused (lots of folks have been doing that today) and said yeah it was her, but that we already took care of it (I was standing right there with her and selected the account money needed to be moved from).

This isn't like normal forgetfulness. I've had normal forgetfulness. I know what it's all about. This is another type of brain-fart that I only get with meds (the mix long ago of Abilify and Tegretol in addition to Lamictal had me super stupid and pretty much comatose).My thinking is slowed as a whole. I'm usually snappy with my thoughts and quick/sharp minded. Now I'm dull. Like trying to run through chest deep water when I used to run on a track.

Forgetting conversations and what I was doing is one thing. I'm cool with that. Bring it on, I'll pass it off as being an air head. No biggie. However... it's a REAL BITCH when my academic focus and neuroscience-thinking-studying is compromised. This I cannot allow to happen. This is my future. My brain will get me to a lovely graduate school where I will get a lovely PhD and (well the plan is) become rather successful in my research via poking brains. Thinking through cotton will not facilitate my goals; it will hinder them.

Sanity versus my education and future. Both are so intertwined. I need the sanity to be happy and hopefully have some normal social functioning including friends and (gasp) a boyfriend thing. Yet I don't think I will be happy without neuroscience being a big part of my life, I mean, it's my one *thing*.

So I'm going to try to mix in a little more Adderall into the equation and see if that helps life my brain out of the water and bring Mr. Explicit Memory back home. Recently I have been taking 5-10mg per day (the Rx is written for 20mg/day). Sooooo what about moving the daily dose up to 15-20mg? Will this help?!

Shit fire, it needs to work.

I will keep the blog updated. Fingers and toes crossed!

P.S. I've been really shitty about replying to the emails blog readers have sent, and I'm sorry if you all are reading this (not sorry you're reading it, just sorry my response skills suck!). I'll definitely get back to you!!!

Long time, no typie.

2010-08-11T21:47:00.000-04:00

The past few weeks have been shit to tell the truth. Which is why I haven't written much. I don't like to go on and on about the real shitty shit. I hate being a downer. And I like to try to stay positive, and writing what's in my head sure as hell isn't positive... so I haven't been writing. Makes sense to me.

The gist of the situation:

My brain is successful in going nuttier. I'm in a pretty damn shitty ass state. It sucks balls.

I've upper lamotrigine to 250 for the past few days (no change), and I will soon be titrating up to 300mg/day. The vivid dreams have already set in and they are a blast. I love waking up mentally exhausted. Getting to spend the 45 minute drive to work at 4:30 in the morning reflecting on the night before and trying to sort factual experiences from the fictional dreams is an extra bonus.

I'm getting to know lorazepam and vicodin again, we are fast friends.

I'm back to the gluten-free thing since I have a "mild" alergy to the stuff. It's not helping me body feel better so far.

I'm having issues with eating again, as in I like to eat A LOT. Most of the day is a battle of wills between my self-control and my stomach and ridiculous urge to eat.

As a part of the going nuttier issue, I have been tearing open and enjoying the blood that oozes out of my scabbed over bug bites and crap. My legs look pretty freaking nasty right now. I'm never gonna get laid again looking like a fucking freak show with scabs and scars. I also kinda cut over an old scar on my calf the other day while at work. I was going crazy as bat shit and stuck in publiK (said like Ron White). I couldn't leave and go home. So I made it work. It was fun kinda, I've been holding myself back from doing that activity again for a while. It was nice to finally give in to the temptation and relax.

The heat and humidity here have been absolutely ridiculous. I'm hot and cranky when driving around and about, so I haven't gone to the gym. Or tanning. I refuse to do something that will make me hotter when I'm already miserable. Which isn't helping the whole physical attractiveness thing in my book; getting pale and flabby is bad new bears. It's whatever though. There are idiots out there that dig the curvy bitches with that hourglass/Kardashian figure going on. And these idiots stare. And yeah whatever mom says I should be thankful I am attractive and get people to stare, but fuckitall, when I'm already feeling like shit, paranoid, and half-spazzed out of my mind staring from strangers doesn't help. Neither does the fact my inhibition is lowered and my I have this tendncy lately to say whatever the hell is in my mind regardless of any consequences. This usually involves a hell of a lot of cursing. In public. At work. While on the clock. Sometimes/often within ear shot of customers. Always within ear shot of other employees. It's special. I'm special.

I hate so much.

I may take some larazepam now. I've napped for a bit today. Every time I try to do something goal-oriented (like school shit or sitting down and re-writing the iPhone theme to be compatible with the 4.0.1 firmware crap) my brain vibrates into a frenzy and that activity is short lived. Like 30 seconds short. So I'm not getting shit done and just getting pissed off when I bother trying to do anything... see the conundrum? My solution at this point is to make myself pass out and then I no longer feel like I have to do something and yet not be able to do anything. That would be lovely.

Goodnight.

Maybe at some point I'll elaborate and the shit-ness specifics. But I don't know, it doesn't seem to do any good talking about stuff on that level of not-good-stuff.

Aaaannnnnd the extra lamotrigine has worn off.

2010-07-28T19:01:00.000-04:00

Well that's stupid. It's done now. Whatever lovely effects that bonus dose had on me are gone. What the freaking fuck dude. Oh well. I'll pop some of the faithful lorazepam and call it a day.

On a side note, I found this and it is quite lovely to read some smart peoples saying how the issues I have with noise and my small threshold for what I can tolerate without my brain screaming and acting retarded isn't just a personality flaw. Cool. Now if only my mother would freaking understand that and not get all pissy when I cannot tolerate her 15 dogs barking in the house that echos like nobody's business...

Bless whoever the hell created lamotrigine.

2010-07-28T17:49:00.000-04:00

While not super, I can sit for more than 30 seconds without flying out of my head. This is a pretty big step okay.

So I guess it's time to change my Rx profile to include 300mg lamotrigine, up from the prior 200mg. Tonight is the test... will I wake up horrified from night terrors? Emotionally distraught and tormented?
Dude, I hope not.

At any rate... moving on.

I did a completely retarded thing just now. In light of my ability to sit for 30 seconds, I on/off worked on this godforsaken online dating profile. I am feeling so quite very absurd at the moment. Oh well. I never get out to meet people. So what the hell, if anything it will be an entertaining distraction, right?

***

Well my profile has been active for all of 45 minutes and I have four "winks". Feeling motivated, I looked at the winkers' profiles. Alas, I freshly recall why my previous stint at the online match-making was cut short... the dudes that are on there... well... either they have no fear of rejection or think way too highly of themselves. Or are smoking crack.

For example. I am a 5'10 Amazonian-built woman, like a "brick-house" as a ghetto co-worker explained. And yeah, after her use of that word I really did go to UrbanDictionary.com and look this business up for clarification. Okay, I'm a curvy ass-kicking machine. True story. I did know a dude flat at the bars one night with a right hook after he thought grabbing the girls with both hands as he walked by was a good idea. I corrected his errant thinking.

Okay, back on track. I'm tall. I'm not dainty. I'm touch. I kick-boxed for a good minute. I need a dude that is built as well, taller than me, etc. It's a freaking evolutionary imperative; females need to feel protected by their mate because they will inevitably need protection from lions and panthers when they have popped out a couple rugrats and someone to hunt down food while caring for said rugrats. Duh....

So, I'm looking for a taller homeslice. I clearly state this in the damn profile. So why the hell do short peeps go about winking and whatnot? WHY? I seriously don't get it. If a dude's profile says he's looking for a slim/slender woman, I sure as fuck don't "wink" at him. Clearly I'm not "slender", and clearly that is what he's looking for. Sooooo... why don't dudes use similar logic?

Freaking A. Stop wasting my time. I'm not an ass and go about the whole politely declining the person thing, and this wastes my time because he's stupid in the first place.

I'm cranky. Clearly. Seriously though, this is annoying as all hell.

Repeat.

2010-07-28T15:56:00.000-04:00

Same as yesterday about this time. This morning wasn't so awful, I was doing alright. And here we are past noon and headed toward the evening and I'm right back where I was when I made the posts yesterday, having the same emotions and shit, if anything, they have been amplified a bit.

I'm back in the rubber-banded-circle too.

Thinking about today being Wednesday... flipping out. Thinking about going back to work next Wednesday... flipping out. It is currently a hell inside of my own head. I want out. I want to escape. But I can't find the exit door.

I need to be conscious. I have things I have to do. No lorazepam coma right now. Although last night when I took it, it didn't make me tired, and only took some of the edge off the crazy. The effect lorazepam has on me is one way I can judge how retarded my brain is being.

So fuck, I may take some more here in a minute. I did take another 100mg of Lamictal. I don't know for sure if I took my noon time dose, I think I did because I remember recently swallowing a nasty pill with my lemonade (apart from doing it once this morning when I woke up) so I'm fairly certain this was dose #3. Maybe this will be good for right now, I'll be in a better frame of mind to go to the diesel truck pulls with my sister tonight. Not sure if I have mentioned much of my personal likings and things outside of the crazy-factor. Well, I'm more of a country girl with the jeans, tshirts, boots, love for horses, my own giant Cummins diesel truck, and a severe addiction to pretty much anything with a Cummins in it. LOVE IT. Then there's the neuroscience passion. And the artsy side. And the computer geeky side with writing HTML code, modding and theming the iPhones, the classy and well dressed side... yeah so I'm a little bit of whatever.

Back on point. Diesel truck pulls tonight. I told sister I would go with her. So the extra Lamictal needs to work like right now. And I'll also hook it up with a bit of lorazepam. Since extra doses of Lamictal always make me drowsy, I may whip up some iced coffee here in a minute for the sake of remaining conscious. Thank my lucks ass stars I don't have to travel far to the truck pulls... they are at the county fair grounds, which the outer edge of the grounds are on the other side of the road as the outer edge of our property. So it's not like I'm taking a freaking trip. Which is why I cannot cancel on her even if my head is retarded for hell's sake it's 30 seconds away. There's no reason to be a pansy ass weirdo and not go.

(Continued from previous post)

2010-07-27T19:00:00.000-04:00

I want to ram my head into a wall. I am not currently about to think clearly, study, read, do anything toward my research thesis, study, think, anything. I want to smash my body into the wall on the other side of my bed. I want to scream and yell, destroy things and destroy my body. I've been doing a semi-job at that lately anyhow, scratching the skin off of bug bites and picking the scabs twice a day, smearing the blood around on my leg, picking and pulling the skin apart. Hair has been plucked out as well. Same with eyelashes. My legs are hideous. Regardless of how horny I am and want/need to get laid, I'm too embarrassed by my scabby scarred legs to get naked with anyone. I'm disgusting. I hate to admit this but I do the same thing when I get ingrown hairs in my bikini region. I go on a "hunting" trip and "fish" the hairs out of my skin with tweezers and/or a needle. I make the whole thing more unsightly by my fishing expedition than it was in the first fucking place. And now the fun-spot looks ridiculous as well as my legs, and there is reason #2 that I will not be getting laid any time soon. I hate my ridiculous habit of skin-tearing. It's stupid. I look stupid. And I love doing it.
Dammit I hate myself sometimes.

Okay I can see my brain is a bit on the fucking retarded side of things today and it is getting worse as time moves on.

So I will go and take some god damned fucking lorazepam. Which will probably put my dumb ass to sleep. Which is fucking annoying.

Sometimes I am mildly amused by myself, I look so normal on the outside, and for reasons beyond me, males literally stop and stare when I walk by sometimes (I hate my hips but what-the-fuck ever), but if those idiots only knew how ridiculous things were. It's amusing, "yeah you think you want me? ha, think again, asshole".

In the middle of rubber bands...

2010-07-27T18:50:00.000-04:00

Nutty. Just flipping nutty. And pissed and angry and all of the nutty business as usual. Mind and body are going in 50 different directions, such that I start to move toward one thing, and the pull to other things increases, so I move toward them instead and a pull to the original thing or something totally different increases so I have to move towards it... it's like being in the center of a circle dotted with stakes around the circumference, each stake having a thick rubber band around it that loops around my waist. Moving in one direction to do one task/thing only increases the tension on the opposite bands and drags me back to the center. I can't do anything without opposing pulls and my head is going mad with crazed frustration, bouncing back and forth, at the mercy of the elastic holding me in the center, unmoving except for the futile vibrations as I try to pull in one direction only to be snapped back to another and bounced around like a ball in a pin ball machine.

The tension of frustration and un-moveability to complete anything, to do anything, without the panic rising in my chest from the pull towards doing something else, it's suffocating. I am filled with unease and panic, snapping back and forth inside my head.

The unwell feelings are expressed in my emotions and affect. I'm an out of control ill tempered volatile ass. I'm miserable like this. And *this* is what has been taking more and more of my time in my head. Dammit all to hell Lamictal was supposed to fix this and it did but now... well I've already mentioned this crap before.

Fukitall.

Twi... Ugh.

2010-07-23T18:59:00.000-04:00

Tw*light (hereafter referred to as "T"). We've all heard of it. My sister had me watch the three movies with her. A strange thing happened and it's now on my last freaking nerve. I haven't been able to get that story/movie out of my head. I went from a T hater to a T-something-else. I don't love it, I'm not infatuated with it, I sure as hell don't think the acting is anything to write home about, and I sure as hell don't dream of being with an undead vampire. I'm not *that* crazy. But I don't know how to get it out of my head and detached from my thoughts.

So I read the fourth book on my Kindle app on my iPhone in less than a day. I watched the first two movies again. I cannot seem to stop thinking about it. Running the images and stories through my head. What is most bizarre, is that this shit actually upsets me. A lot. I am emotionally affected by it in a not-so-great way. And I have NO idea why. It's not like the story has a sad ending or anything. The idiots live happily ever after and nobody from the family or any loved ones die. So what the hell is up with me? Why am I drawn to watch it over and over, read about it, and ALWAYS think about it?

The emotional effect... it's like a sadness, hurt, anxiety, lonesome, longing, troubled, unsettled, and empty sensation all wrapped into one nice package. One can easily extrapolate that when I think about this crap these emotions then fill my insides. Clearly this isn't a super fun experience.

I would give ten bucks if someone could tap into my brain and give me a rational explanation for my incredibly irrational reaction to this saga. T isn't great. It isn't one of my favorite media genres. And I am deeply affected by it.

Dude. I feel like a complete freaking weirdo. And I'm pretty tired of feeling like shit because of these pale-ass characters.

***

Okay, I have one tiny theory that just crept into my head after writing the first part of this post. My exhusband, we met in high school at 14, married at 18, and I filed for divorce at 20 (speaking of which, yesterday was my six-year anniversary of the day I finally pulled my head out of my ass!). The divorce almost killed me. The reaction that female character has after her blood-sucker leaves her in the second film, her night-time screams of anguish and pain, he monologue about the hole in her chest, and her reaction in general to his leaving reminds me of the time immediately following my filing for divorce, and what lasted long after. Especially her screams at night. When I first saw those scenes my eyes teared up and the past vividly came back to me. Hell look at me now, tears rolling down my face. There is something about her acting after the breakup that hits home for me in a big way. It's also how I was after I moved from the state I had moved to and lived with J back to my home state. I had the same reactions, emotions, and things, sat on my bed and felt like my chest was being ripped apart. With the exhub (D) and J, it was my choice to leave. Yet it wasn't like I was leaving a fairly tale romance either. But still.

So my leading (and only) theory is that the story brought to life my past with D and all of the feelings associated with the relationship and subsequent divorce that I have worked so hard to suppress and move on from. And I have, I don't miss him, I don't think about him, and I can be a little creep and look at his facebook page without the slightest pangs of jealousy or envy for his new wife. The strongest emotion I have is a deep gratitude that I am no longer that girl with him, or the girl I was once upon a time.

Another thought, perhaps it is not just that I felt the way the girl in the movie did about the guy (when they were together and after the breakup) but also the way he felt about *her* in return. That is what I longed for in D. And with J. I couldn't find that and the footing was always unequal. So maybe it is part the pain she went through mirroring my own past, and also her having the one thing I yearned for during those adolescent years of my own.

Hmm.

Rx Adjustment Needed.

2010-07-23T18:29:00.000-04:00

Shit with my brain hasn't been improving. In fact, my silly little 3 pound lump of neurons has been working less and less efficiently lately.

What to do. Hmm.

I will go see the pdoc soon. I need to call and make an appointment. I've needed to do that since Wednesday when my Rx for Adderall expired. Haven't done that yet. It's too much. So I avoid it. And don't do it. Like a lot of things. I simply don't do them. My room for example... a freaking mess. Do I clean it? Nope.

Let's talk about Lamictal... good ole lamotrigine. Currently at 200mg, and thinking about upping that. Terrified as all hell about the vivid night terrors that have accompanied any dose >200 mg in the past.

Really fucking terrified.

I can feel the effects of missing a dose of lamotrigine sooner than I have in the past. I usually take the second dose (of 100 mg) at noon. If I miss it, by one o'clock I'm feeling out of whack. Hell when ten or eleven am rolls around I'm generally thinking about having that noon dose earlier because my brain circuitry is already starting to unravel. I used to not notice the effects of a missed afternoon dose until the next morning or next afternoon. Lately the lamotrigine hasn't been the wonderful semi-cure it was in the past; it is a buffer to take the edge off of the crazy but the crazy never goes away. Which pretty much blows.

So it looks like I will be enjoying another 50 mg of that fun chemical soon. As soon as I get my ass out of bed to go pee or whatever it is I do next in my enduringly monotonous life.

Extremities are crossed in hopes that the night terrors stay the hell out of my head tonight.

2010-07-18T16:27:00.000-04:00

I have had 2 whole days off from work. I had A LOT of things planned to get done. What have I gotten done? Not a damned thing. I've been posted at my laptop pretty much all day and still NOTHING accomplished. I'm distractible as fuck, bouncing from one activity to another, ranging from looking at shirts here and there, this kind then that kind, earrings, rings, new Ariat boots, looking up articles on PubMed but being to ADD to sit and read the whole thing, starting to actually study then getting distracted again, etc. I'm pissed. I want to throw my head through the wall, head first. Want to scream. I hate this shit. And my arms and legs have energy flowing through them and I want to stretch and move but I need to accomplish things and I'm too weirded out to go to the gym even though I need to go to the gym and I want to go to the gym because I HATE my naked body and I want to look cute and attractive but I'm too much of a fucking idiot to actually get myself to *go* to the gym so I sit here and try not to eat to make up for the fact I'm not going to the gym and it's all so damn stupid. And still my brain is scattered as fuck and I'm borderline seriously going to actually scream and not too sure what to do and panicked that the shit I need to get done isn't getting done and I'm fucking freaked and spazzed and that kind of ridiculous shit.

I hate this feeling. And I have to pee. And I ate a bunch of veggies and now I'm hungrier now than I was before I ate the veggies (which was approx 45 minutes ago) what the hell is up with that??? Seems kinda backwards and my legs are still itching to move and kick and I hate this crap.

I couldn't remember if I took my afternoon lamotrigine pill so I took one an hour ago. I'm a little nervous that it may have been my third one today and I will suffer unbearable vivid dreams tonight and that possibility is just plain damn awful but I couldn't choose between getting my brain unbalanced from only taking one pill or having a terror filled night from taking three pills. This particular conundrum pisses me off ya know. I'm highly considering taking some vicodin. Lorazepam will relax me, but I don't want to just sleep. Vicodin comes with the pleasant high/euphoric feeling which I could definitely use right now seeing as how I am freaking out a bit and not like in a euphoric kind of way and the whole wanting to throw my body head first through a wall kind of thing. Yes. Vicodin it is.

Strange'ed.

2010-07-17T19:37:00.000-04:00

This past week has been strange. I've felt strange. Randomly feeling alone, panicked, scared, and generally freaked out for no reason. As though in my head I am peeking around every corner expecting to find danger or something bad there. Just freaked out. And fuzzy. And cannot concentrate that well. And tired a lot. Well the "tired" is probably from the freaked-out-ness and is my mind's way of hiding from it, so scratch that one.

I've done a splendid job of making an ass out of myself this week at work as well. It's super special. Between my torrents of anger and large helpings of giddy excitement, well I wouldn't be surprised if people half thought I was a nutter-butter. Fantastic.

School and all things academic that I thought I would accomplish over the summer has added to the freaked/strange feelings of late. I'm panicked. Scared. And all of the junk I already mentioned to the n'th degree. Sometimes it's hard to breathe when I think about it. Like now.

I put a request in for 10-14 days off from work as soon as I can get it. I'm hoping time off from daily stressors will help reboot my brain and get me to a fresh starting place in time for the fall semester. Not sure when it will be approved and my fingers are crossed that it will be soon. Really soon.

I'm frustrated. Kinda feel like I am sinking. Sick and tired of climbing up what seems like an endless cliff.

Dammit. I had hoped writing here would help the freaked-out feeling go away. But it is still here. I would love some lorazepam right now, but then I will fall asleep for sure and I need to be awake to study. Dammit dammit dammit.

Edit

2010-07-11T15:30:00.001-04:00

Edit to previous entry:

Have snapped. Black evil darkness in the head. Fucking little bitch it is.

Not not unstable.

2010-07-11T14:59:00.000-04:00

Not sure what to do at this point in time. Definitely not *not* unstable.

It usually happens in the afternoon, my guess is after the AM and 12pm doses of Lamictal wear off? I wonder what the half-life of lamotrigine is. I should look that up...

Okay, it's 13.5 hours. Well hell. Either my theory is wrong, or my metabolism for the rx is ridiculously fast. I'm guessing it's my metabolism seeing as how if I forget the 12pm does I am reminded around 2-4pm when I start totally wigging the frick out... "Why am I feeling freaking crazy? Oh that's right, didn't take that damn pill". This particular train of thought pisses me off in a rather big way; I am dependent on said damn pill, twice a day, in order to not totally wigg-the-frick-out. That is stupid. I usually remind myself to be thankful that there *is* such a pill to help with these matters and I remain calm and pleasant. Ah, but once the wigging-out has ensued (as is the current status) I rather put my damn fist through a wall. Or my foot. Or head.

You get the idea.

I cannot explain my head at this particular moment. Volatile. Angry. Short tempered and short on patience. Unable to think for all of the whirlwind rambles swirling in the brain. Kinda freaking out about tasks needed to be completed. Unsettled (which is a "duh" given the previous whirlwind statement). It's not the Adderall putting me into a dysphoric manic type state because I have been taking less and less of it.

Paranoia. For example, some days when I mow our wooded and hilly/bumpy 6 acres I am fine and rumble along on the riding mower in a relaxed manner. Other times I am completely terrified and convinced I'm going to flip it over when cutting grass at an incline. Freaked to the point where I *don't* cut the grass on the inclines. Quite a lovely look for the lawn, really. It's the same kind of freaked out as a couple years ago when I took my truck to the shop just about once a week for a couple months because I was convinced that it had major problems, such as the u-joints were bad and my driveshaft was going to fall out at any moment (so convinced that I would avoid the interstate completely to minimize the impact of the imminent crash. And I've been doing that same shit again when driving. Haven't taken it to the shop yet because 1) I don't have the $$, and 2) I don't feel like being embarrassed weekly as the shop dudes tell me my truck is perfectly fine and nothing to worry about. You know, shortly after I explain my drive shaft is going to fly out at any moment. Or that the wheel bearings will fail and my tire will fly off. Or that my breaks are about to fail and send me careening into a ditch or semi.

And here I am rambling and not even getting to the point of whatever I was sitting down to type here... whatever the hell that point was. Not sure at the moment.

I am considering taking another lamotrigine pill to kinda avoid the flipping out totally event and whatnot. I know, I'm not *any* fun. Ha. Ahhh but there remains the ultimate fear: the terrifying and vivid dreams throughout the night. I wake up shaken, upset, and strung out from the fears ensured over night. I spend what should be restful sleep frightened and emotionally tortured, waking up with memories of the dreams as thought they really occurred.

To go nuts in the daytime or to go nuts during the night... that is the question.

Dammit.

Not totally functional.

2010-07-06T16:08:00.000-04:00

Something is up with my noggen and I'm not too sure what it is. It isn't good; that's about all I can say. Okay, no, I can also say that it is along the lines of the "crazy" shit. Which is by all means a total blast.

I've been fairly regular with my meds (taking around the same time each day) and haven't missed a dose, however the loss of the good fuzzy feeling of stability and sanity have taken a bit of a vacation. I was going to write an entry the other night as I was in the midst of a rather complete "not-all-straight-in-the-head" loop. But I didn't (clearly). I was afraid to move or do anything other than lay still on my bed and wait for the benzo to put me to sleep. I didn't know what I would do if I moved or tried to do anything else, so I laid there, and the chewed up 2mg of lorazepam I "ate" soon had me drifting off.

I was not *me*. I was this impulsive little monster. I cannot recall the crazy ass bat shit I was thinking or saying. I do remember that as my step-father walked by I had to fight back the urge to punch his head and scratch his face off. For no reason. I had so much evil energy and was for all intents and purposed, flipping the fuck out. I don't know how to explain how I felt or what was in my head. I was scared of myself. It was miserable. As I lay there waiting for the benzo to put me to sleep, I was once again half considering committing myself for one of those pleasant little 72 hour stays. But the nurses are fucking bitches, I hate the gay ass "activities" they make us do, and I really hate that the mental health workers are kinda pretty much stupid. Oh, and really freaking judgmental.

The point of all of this is that I am half there in that state again. My mind is spinning, I have many things to do and I am outraged that I cannot get it all done right *now*. My brain and body, the cells are vibrating and threatening to explode out of my skin. I am about to explode.

I'm doing a really shitty ass job of explaining this right now. Oh freaking well. I've made an ass out of myself at work several times the past week, several times a day that is, due to the fucking stupid ass shit in my head that clearly isn't working right. I just love acting like a crazy person at work. It's a super great activity.

Being at home, Mom isn't nearly as supportive any more, if at all. She has her "phases" of things she focuses on. Being super rad and helpful for me was a phase, and since she has moved on to other little activities. One was where she went to Whole Foods and would get gluten-free foods for me to eat since I have this little wheat/gluten allergy. That lasted a month or so, then she was on to her next thing. Currently it is making dog food from scratch that doesn't have the chemicals, preservatives, etc. that the commercially bought stuff does. Personally I think helping me reduce stress so I don't go flipping out (especially given that work is more stressful now and certainly not helping my situation). But heck, I guess that's just me being selfish.

Well so I'm pretty much done typing now. I can't sit still and I am freaking completely annoyed with typing and rather pissed I cannot seem to explain and do justice to how I am feeling right now. Which is pretty damn frustrating.

Flipped it!

2010-06-28T21:58:00.000-04:00

So, I am a girl, and like any girl, I sometimes stalk J's FB page. The idiot has it open so non-friends can see everything... and so I peek from time to time.

I looked at it again about a week ago. I laughed while reading what he's written and what his female has written. I found it amusing, smirked my mean/evil smirk, and *poof* just like that a switch was flipped. I snapped out of whatever funk I was in over him and everything became very clear.

The flaws and faults in his personality, ways of thinking, coping, operating, etc., crystalized in my mind. I've been aware of them for a minute but didn't give those thoughts strong validity until now. "

As a bonus (maybe I'm just a bitch), the fact she is clearly insecure, well, I find it to be hilarious. She's the typical retarded facebook girl. I can now laugh at her and him (just as I do with the other idiots) without that old jealous feeling. My mother said that if she didn't know any better, she would have thought she was reading comments from a high school relationship.

Her comments and such are excessive and overly mushy-gushy-look-at-me-and-my-great-relationship type of crap chicks try to flaunt on FB. It comes across as clingy and weak to me. Seriously. Why does she feel the need to prove something to people on a social networking site? Hell now, if that's the kind of thing he's attracted to, then clearly he isn't the kind of dude I thought he was. His attraction to this stupid shit has somehow made him unattractive to me (if that makes any sense at all).

I dig this.

Suspecting this may be a temporary phase, I've tried to make myself miss him again and be sad. But no matter which way I spin it around in my head, I really don't give a shit. At all. I just don't care. No angry feelings, month sad, no happy, nothing. Super freaking rad. I can go about my day, and when there are things that bring him to mind (just as there are with other people I have known) and I can think of them without feeling like I've been punched in the gut. It's completely "whatever".

The same "switch" thing recently happened with D (ex-hub). Looking at his page I'd feel a little bit jealous that he's remarried and shit (jealous that I wasn't remarried too, and jealous that he had moved on from me; I'm an ass and would have preferred he be in some type of emotional pain until he was 70 years old). So, a couple weeks ago I saw a pic he put up where he ran over a skateboard in the street with his patrol car and snapped the photo from his cell phone. The caption said something to the effect of, "that's what you get for leaving your board in the street". He broke someone's toy and took a picture to share what an in-control-badass he is. It was mean. Mean spirited. Just plain mean. He is so completely unattractive for behaving like that. Any residual anything for him evaporated right then and there (including the slight jealousy and wishing he was still sad and regretful for losing me). When I think back about things in the past with him, any kind of memory, there is zero emotion attached.

I feel pretty damn free from the idiots in my past. A weight has been lifted and it is a rockin' good feeling.

:o)

Trying to not be a douche-bag. Or a hoe-bag.

2010-06-22T00:01:00.000-04:00

I'm looking at things from a Karma perspective and trying to give "good" energy out to the world in hopes that hell, I just may up my intake of the same. Granted, I'm still "me" (which entails being a smartass and calling things as I see them), but I've cleaned up my "friends with benefits" act. I cut that out a little over 3 months ago and have had my legs crossed since then.

Wait, it's been since St. Paddy's day. That night I got nekked with my friend's cousin-in-law. I thought he may have had dating potential after our evening, but unfortunately nice guys don't want to date hookers that sleep with them on the first (albeit intoxicated as all hell) night they meet. It prompted me to do some introspection... and I came up with the decision to knock that crap off.

If it happens to work out, I think it may be nice to find a good guy and whatnot. I figure that the only way I could attract "good-guy energy" is if I myself am a good-girl. So that's what I have been up to. Or, *not* up to. Is it boring? HELL YES. Am I horny way too much of the time? HELL YES. But, as with anything, I hope it will turn out well in the end.

GYM.

2010-06-20T11:02:00.002-04:00

I am going now. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts... I am taking my happy as to the gym.

Well, hell.

2010-06-12T19:03:00.000-04:00

Okay I spoke too soon about that J thing. I'm in another pissed phase right now. It doesn't matter though. Can't do anything about it so there isn't any use in dwelling upon it. He's an indecisive game-playing idiot. And no, I don't think I would date him again if he changed his mind and wanted to. I'm done with his shit. But still.

Moving on.

In other news, well, there isn't much. I've been in a funk here for a good minute, and don't have the urge or desire to do squat. I'm more than a little scattered, lack of concentration, and don't care if my clothes aren't washed. I don't care to do them. I don't care to shower as often as the normal would. I'll go a few days. I use deodorant and don't smell nasty. To be safe, I spray myself with either Febreeze or this other scentless odor remover spray before going into work. When my hair is nasty greasy, I wear a baseball cap. It's a simply fix and nobody is the wiser for it.

I'm thinking about another change in the meds here, but I'm not at all certain what direction I would go in. Antipsychotics are out, I hated that crap when I was on Abilify before. No freaking way will I go down that road again. Lamictal is a wonder drug, and I can feel when I forget my noon-time dose. About 3pm, I start wigging out. It's crazy how it works. The wigging out and getting that feeling, the "crazed" madness, for lack of a better word, is what reminds me I didn't take it. Then I take it, and things settle down a bit. Without the Lamictal I still have daily bouts of the crazed crap, but it is somewhat manageable. More so than without the drug. Without it, I am not in control. It is such a terrible feeling, I wish I could put it into words.

I have been dipping into the Vicodin just a wee-bit. I took a few last week. My sister had them for her root canal and didn't need all of them. Man, I have missed those babies. It's a wonderful calm, things slow down, my brain slows down, and I am filled with a subtle euphoric high, from which nothing can bring me down. It's quite lovely, really. I will not lie, if I had access to them, I would be doing this FAR more often. I was very interested (still am!) in buying some off of somebody, *but* this activity usually requires knowing someone I can actually buy them from. I don't in this case. So, clearly, I am not. It's a bit of a bummer.

I need to wash my bed sheets. I love my dog, but she has managed to get hair EVERYWHERE. It's rather nasty, I am sure. But I don't give a crap. It doesn't bother me. I don't feel like cleaning it, like with the laundry and showering. I don't have the energy for crap. Don't judge.

I still do get into my obsessive task-oriented phases. This worked out good for my sister last week. I emptied the trash out her car because I know that isn't helping her depressed and/or self-liking issues. So I thought it would be nice to take some stress off of her. And her car was freaking nasty dirty. I became obsessed with this task, and four hours later her car was pristine. I challenge a professional detailer person to have done a better job. I cleaned the living hell out of that vehicle, down to toothbrushing the cracks and crevices to get the dirt out and tank-vacuuming the stains all out of her carpets and upholstery. I couldn't stop. My hair was so wet from sweat due to working in the humidity (not the ends, but a good two inches away from my scalp!). It was nasty but I was obsessed with removing every ounce of dirt. And I pretty much did.

So I have those spurts. My main obsession is still with designing my iPhone theme. It is a complete theme, with just about every single GUI image being edited or replaced completely. I want to sell this badboy on Cydia and Rock. I want some extra cash. But more than that, I am obsessed with my phone being just the way I want it, and perfect. I've redone almost all of the images several times, if not more, trying to get them just how I want to look at them. It's a bit ridiculous. But I'm dead set on it.

The bitch is I haven't been working on school. Not my honors thesis research thing, not my GRE studies, NOTHING. It's retarded. I can't until the theme is done and the theme isn't done until it is perfect. I get nervous, stressed, and disgusted at the idea of doing school stuff when the theme remains incomplete. Can't. Do. It.

Very frustrating. So I am going to try to bust out most of the finale touches tonight so I can actually get to the school stuff which I know will make me happy and give me a nice, purposeful, fulfilled feeling.

Cold-ness is good-ness.

2010-06-12T11:56:00.000-04:00

I work in the cash office at work. I have my little office, with a CD player, a nice big flat screen monitor, and most importantly, a locked frickin door so people can only bug me if I want them to. It's a lovely arrangement really. I cannot complain. At first I was bummed because I wouldn't be able to stalk Code 25 ( a regular customer that is attractive, nice body, and a very kind face with a lovely smile) anymore. Yet a strange thing has happened... I don't give a shit. Srsly. My sister called to say there was a hot dude by the front end (kinda where my office is) and that I should check him out. I didn't care. Didn't want to. I rather stay by myself and finish preparing the deposit for the Armored Truck people to pick up. I don't care if I run into Code 25 again either.

It is a strange new feeling, where for a while now I used to have this little ache to find someone and be with a 'good' someone. And I would be on the alert whenever I would go anywhere kinda looking for that someone and who it could be. I'd wonder whenever I saw someone I was attracted to.

But I don't anymore. I. Do. Not. Give. A. Shit. A very strange feeling. I tried to find a bit of that ache to be with someone, that desire to find a good dude, and it isn't there. I tried to fake it, but it isn't there. I don't freaking care. I don't care to look at hot dudes. I don't give a shit. I don't see a point in it at all. It's all retarded. Honestly, I kinda like this new state of mind. It's easier to not care and not have the idea of being on the lookout for a future-someone. And then I think, well don't they say that when you aren't looking is when you find someone? I'm clearly the opposite of looking or wanting it, so hell, I am gonna find someone soon? I think about that possibility, and am not into it. Nope, not one bit.

I like how things are now, I do what I want, when I want, and I can do whatever I need to do when I freaking want to. I dress how I want, I talk how I want, I say what I want, and nothing is tailored to others or for their benefit. I come home, throw my hair up in the messiest bun thing you've ever seen, and within 5 minutes I have my comfy sweats and PJ type clothes on. Hell, I impressed my sister the other day with my speed of changing outfits :o) I have my little pups, who give me love and cuddles, and I'm good. I have my pattern and my routines, and I like them! It's good. It's very good.

Better still, I'm becoming numb to the J thing. I haven't cried in a while. It still kinda sucks and makes me upset and angry sometimes. But it's getting better, so I cannot complain! Except for the nights when I dream about him. That can set me back a little bit because my dreams are so freaking real, it's creepy. And I stalk his FB sometimes when I am bored, I won't lie! I'm a loser like that. His last status I saw was about having the best woman in the world. That pissed me off. For 5 years he said that about me, even through us dating other people. He said nobody could ever compare; he gave me confidence and made me actually feel special and shit. Then he turns around and asks some bitch to marry him after 9 months of dating, and now she's the best. Maybe I'm being an idiot for still thinking about him and being a creepy FB stalker-loser. I'm working on quitting! Hahaha

Perhaps the issues with him, and the let-downs, and him being that idiot I trusted in a special way, and then finding it was a facade, realizing he was stringing me along in between him dating other chicks, he'd date and then ignore me until that particular bitch was out of the picture, telling me how he thought so-and-so was different form others, special, a great person, etc and then after 2 weeks of dating (and him subsequently getting dumped) he'd be back to the same old "Tiffany's the greatest" theme, well I wouldn't be surprised if this has something to do with my cold-hearted not giving a shit and not wanting to bother with dating state of mind! Hell I don't care if it does or not :o)

Well I'll be damned... typing this, I just turned another corner in my mind (I love progress!). Reading in my own words how things ended with me and him, recalling how he would always so I was too good for him, and other self-depricating things, and then how it all ended, well... I'm one more step, kinda a big one, from wanting him and missing him. I can look back on the past 5 years and see things objectively and for what they were, without being overwhelmed by emotions for him which gave everything a rose colored hue. I see a lot of things I learned in my varying relationships with him. It's a very clear view I have in my head now. Man, writing shit is hella therapeutic!!!!!!!!!!! :o)

Guts are falling out.

2010-06-07T17:25:00.000-04:00

My guts are pretty much falling out. I'm not sure if it is stress, IBS, or a giant intestinal parasite (which would be kinda cool). I feel like crap-o-la. Eating worsens the issue so I'm avoiding food. Which makes me more tired and nauseated in the end. This is stupid. So I'm done writing now. Nap time.

Men are from another planet... or solar system...

2010-05-31T22:53:00.001-04:00

Help me understand...

Why do SO SO SO many dudes/guys/men think so freakin' highly of themselves?!?!

I am truly mystified.

While I am far from cocky, the overall consensus is that I am an attractive female. I'm a brick-house with a pretty face.

(After I was called a brick-house for the first time I really did have to use Urban Dictionary to look up the meaning, and it is quite fitting actually. Are there better looking chicks out there? You bet. And in better shape (more on my gym adventures later)? Yes.
Nonetheless, I'm not a fugly creature.

Moving on.

I was at Walmart this evening after work, which is probably the worst time in the world to go. Looking for the correct headlight bulbs for my truck, an associate came up to see if I needed help. I told him I was fine and finding all I needed. Well this gentleman with gold front teeth took that as a cue to spend the next 5 minutes trying to convince me that I should give him my number, and being freakishly insistent about the whole thing. I remained polite (not too sure how that happened) and kindly explained "NO". He kept at it, including calling after me as I walked away. Freakin' bizarre. I gave a heads up to a manager as I left the place. I walked out shaking my head. This dude was not attractive. At all. And he was so convinced that I should get together with him, and insisted I owed him a reason as to why I said "no".

Males with the attitude of "females owe me an explanation" royally piss me off. I don't know this guy. And he thinks I need to explain myself to him.

I DON'T THINK SO, PAL.

Where the hell does this warped sense of confidence and entitlement come from??? I don't get it. I really don't. And it pisses me off more than a little.

My most recent "special" friend. We haven't hooked up in a few months because of schedule issues (he proposes a time, it doesn't work for me because of work schedules, then I give an alternate that doesn't work for him). Today he sent what I kinda interpreted as a "threat", saying that he's about to give up asking me to get together since I'm never available. Well now... this guy is attractive (male-model dude, smokin' hot) and I'm certain is used to girls falling all over him. However, I'm not that girl. He is just as unavailable for my schedule as I am for his.

1) Why exactly is HIS schedule the one that is in control and mine is subordinate?! Yeah I don't think so there buddy.

2) *I* am the one to miss out by no longer having the opportunity to get naked with *him*, and therefor I should open up my availability?! Negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full.

Yeah I'm not a big fan of dudes that are in love with themselves. I got over that fad when I divorced the ex (he had a little problem with narcissism). People like that repulse me.
But he's good in the sack. So... do I deal with the annoyances of his self-love for the sake of good naked time? Or cut it off all together?

Hmmm... well when I'm primed and ready to go, I don't care if the guy is obnoxious or not, as long as he can do nice things to my fun-parts. It's not like we are trying to have a conversation during the activities. I'm not all cold-hearted. See, I have two modes: one for the beneficial friends, and one for men I am romantically involved with. With beneficial friends I am a feeling-less nymph. With romantic mates, I am an emotionally in-touch, loving, nymph.

Oh my, well speak of the devil... just received a text, suggesting a time tomorrow that falls within the time-constraints I set forth today after I was ticked off. Since I have been super crazy horny lately... I am thinking I am going to be thinking with my girl-parts and treat myself to a lovely lunch break tomorrow afternoon. Really, I'm doing it to help my co-workers, because I'll come back to work in a better mood...

Yeah I'm a helper like that.

Back to what I was saying earlier about dudes being crazy over-confident. An ex-current-ex co-worker has been hitting on me off and on for the past five years. He doesn't have his shit together, is in a self-proclaimed "shitty" marriage, has an out-of-control kid, and lots of other drama. He has liked this girl for a super long time. He's the needy/clingy type and is IN LOVE with texting. We worked together at the same place where I met J; after I moved to another state with J he *still* would text me, even though I would never respond. Three years later, up until the time I changed my number. Then he came to my current store for a couple months. Like a good idiot, I sent him a message while both on the clock because I needed to coordinate the delivery of appliances to the repair shop with his drivers ASAP. I didn't think this decision all the way through. Now dude is back to texting LIKE A CRAZY PERSON.

It's nuts. I ignore him, then tell him I'm not a big text fan (which is a lie, because I despise talking on the phone). His solution: suggest we meet for lunch and hang out. He admits he is in this same shitty marriage and that he wants out... and hopes this doesn't bother me. WTF. Pardon me Dude, but NO. I'm not trying to date you. I haven't wanted to for the past five years and not a damn thing has changed. Additionally, I am in no way, shape, or form, remotely attracted to you. So piss off.

Unlike the Walmart dude from this early-evening, I had my wits about me tonight and knew just what to say to get ex-current-ex co-worker to leave me the hell alone: "I am involved with someone". As you may know, this is a flat out lie. I am as non-involved with someone as I can possible be. However, lying in this case is a sanctioned move due to the extenuating circumstances.

My main question remains: How do so many guys get such over-inflated egos??? It's ridiculous. People think I'm attractive, and funny, smart, etc etc etc, but I sure as hell don't march around thinking I am entitled to every guy within a 50 foot radius. I am humble when it comes to dating and match-making, quite so really. As I may have mentioned before, I am a bull-dog in other situations such as work, academic, and many social situations. I don't back down. I don't take shit from anyone. I stand my ground and 99% of the time will not budge when I know I'm right (that other 1% is saved for the situations when it benefits me to let someone think they have "won" and that I backed down, every now and then this course of action provides the most long-term benefit). But romantically, I am shy and nervous. A completely different creature than when I am doing my usual stuff.

Damn I am rambling. I need to get some sleep as I have to be up early tomorrow.

Ahhh toodles...

Sad.

2010-05-23T04:10:00.002-04:00

I was driving home from work on Wednesday and read a short email from an old friend in Idaho (I moved out there with J a few years back and came back here to finish my undergrad, plans to go back out there for grad school and that didn’t go as I had planned… I loved him, he liked me, end of story). Her second sentence said she saw [on Facebook] that J is engaged. I felt like I was donkey kicked in the chest, and partially doubled over in my seat (probably looking like an idiot). Even though I’ve been saying I’m over him, and telling myself all sorts of neat little gems, well damn it all to hell, I still love him. And a small part of me still clung to the “what ifs” and thought that maybe down the road things would work out. Part of what he was telling me is that he didn’t know if he could get married or all of that crap. Here is he, engaged, after dating this chick for 9 months. I always saw myself marrying him and growing old together. I still cannot believe it. He bought a ring, he proposed, on one knee and everything, wanting to spend the rest of his life with her. And here I am, I haven’t been able to go a day for the past 9 months (since we quit speaking after he told me about the liking me thing, I quit talking to him so I could move on because I know damn well that continuing to talk with him and be friends would kill me, and I try not to intentionally hurt myself) without thinking of him at least once a day. Things I see, things I do, things I hear, things I say, all of it, fucking all of it, brings his memory to mind. And then I think of him, and I miss him, and I want so bad to talk to him, he was my best friend for years, and he hurt me terribly, and lead me on for a while when I was planning to go back out there for graduate school, and then he pulled back… I didn’t understand it. I still don’t. He became this stranger, and the last conversations we had, I didn’t know him. He was almost cruel, he wasn’t himself, he wasn’t the way he usually is with me, the way it’s always been. He was cold and harsh. I had placed all of my trust in him, EVERYTHING, and he crushed that. And now he’s engaged. And I miss my friend. I want to tell him things that go on in my life, inside jokes we have from when we used to work together 5 years ago (and now I work with some of those same people), so many things. And his mother, she was like a second mother to me, and the night he and I left in our trucks to move to Idaho, she hugged me and said how much she wished for me to be her daughter-in-law. So did I.

I’m rambling. I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m crying too. I’m sad and I miss him and this isn’t how I thought things would go, and I’m lonely, and all I can remember is him, especially when we first met, the first time I saw him, and some of the things he said, the way he hugged me and wrapped his arms around me while we slept. I remember a time, shortly after we started dating (had been good friends for a bit before this) and I was laying on top of him on the couch, we were relaxing, and I felt like I was falling, being there with him, it was a feeling unlike anything I had felt before, or felt since. He felt it too, and said so, and asked if I was scared, because he kinda was, because he hadn’t felt this before either. He always said, that from the moment he met me, it was instantly like he had always known me, he phrased it something like, “oh hey, I know you” as being what he thought, and what his heart/soul whatever felt. We were instantly close. It was something my ex-husband and I didn’t share. It was something I haven’t had since then. And I haven’t gotten over him, not since I moved back to finish school and we stopped dating, not over the two years after that where I pretended I was over him, and not for the third year when I flew out to see him for a couple of weeks, twice, and the idea of me going to grad school out there was set up. The first time I went out there for a visit, he had to go into work for a quick minute so I took a walk along the river and picked wild flowers. I put them in a small cup for him on the stove as a “pretty”. I visited again 10 months later and the flowers, now dried, were still there. He moved them on top of the fridge because when he bumped them they would fall apart a little so they were safer on the fridge.

I miss him so much. His smile, the sound of his voice. The faces he would make. The funny voices he would talk in, especially his British accent, my goodness. The things he would say, his phrases, many of which I adopted, and now I say them, and then I think of him, I can hear him saying them, and it hurts. I’m tired of hurting. I’ve been hurting for a while now and would really like it to stop please. And now, he wants to spend the rest of his life with this other girl. I’m crushed. I’m so sad, and I miss him so damned much.

The night before he popped the question to this girl, or maybe it was the same night, well I had a dream, and he came back for me, and told me how much he loved me, and that he only said what he did because he was scared, and it was one of those vivid dreams that really messes with my head, like he’s really there saying that stuff… and I woke up, went to work, and halfway through the day found out he’s newly engaged. He’s never coming back for me. He doesn’t want me. He wants her. Not me.

And I love him.

So I am hurting.

I know this will pass, my divorce came and went, and I healed those wounds. This too will fade away. I am confident. I am also confident that things happen for a reason. Right now I do not know or understand that reason, but I know it is out there and I try to let that comfort me.

It doesn’t always though. I am lonely. I spend my day at work taking care of things at work, helping people, fixing shit, etc. I take care (emotionally) of my sister. My mom, well sometimes we are good and stuff, and sometimes we fight, but she’s not someone that I let “take care” of me. She used to, but now I am grown and I need something different to fill my new needs. I take care of others, but there isn’t anyone to take care of me. Hell I can’t even feel this emotion without thinking of him, because he told me he felt the same way a year or two ago. He described the lonely road, the same one I have been on for a little bit, he described the same feelings I have had about life and love, and everything, the exact same, word for word, and I want to talk to my friend about it, because we never needed to explain stuff because we always intuitively understood what the other was feeling.

I need to sleep; it’s so very late. But I am afraid to sleep. I don’t want to lay down and go through that haze of half awake and half sleep where dreams are vivid as well, and I am afraid to sleep and I am panicking a bit, and not rally hyperventilating but almost like that, and I am feeling the freak-outs come on, and I can’t do that. So I am going to take some lorazepam and go night-night.

Lorazepam and Tylenol are sitting in my belly now; the benzo for the obvious emotional state, and the Tylenol for my muscles. At the gym on Thursday I made a new top weight for my horizontal leg press: 250 pounds :o) I do three reps of 12, my first set was with 210, second set with 230, and third set with 250, and I was still able to do more past the 12 with the 250. This is good. And for the first time, my legs were sore the next day! I haven’t been able to get them sore yet since going back to the gym. Clearly I haven’t been pushing myself hard enough.

I wanted to sign up for a personal trainer but the problem there is that I had an accident with my bank account and they took $450+ in five days in overdrafts. I am going to call to talk to someone about that and see if we can’t find a happy middle ground here and give me half of my money back.

I also applied for a different spot at work. I don’t feel like typing any more, so if I get the spot then I will elaborate more.

I have so many responsibilities piling up, things to get done, bills to mail, issues with insurance to work out, get my mail Rx set up, school loans, next fall’s schedule, GRE study, my honors thesis, so many things I get panicked just thinking about them. So I won’t. I’ll numb out on the lorazepam for the night/early morning. I’ll sleep. Then wake. And at some point go to the gym and try to make a new high for leg press. And try to have the courage to do more than the few different weight things I do, because I get scared around other people and afraid I look stupid so I only do cardio and a few things with weights before I leave. I need to do more. I will. I’m getting better. I now workout on the main floor, mostly because I outgrew the leg press upstairs (it maxed out at 235 lbs). I’m trying.

I’m trying. That’s all anyone can ever do really. I keep going forward no matter what and always try again after I fall down. I do the best with the obstacles I face, in particular the brain instability and the pesky things which arise from that, and I try… so for that, my never ending drive, I am terribly thankful for.

:o)

Sleep well, everyone.

Therapy for BD: Like Talking To A Man About PMS.

2010-05-15T21:25:00.000-04:00

Or like a man talking to a woman about "blue balls".

Yeah, well if you've read my blog for a while, you may have an idea about how I feel about most therapists. Again, it isn't anything personal against them, it's just that I find it VERY frustrating to talk to someone who has never been in my shoes, so to speak. They don't have a damn clue, and that isn't their fault, but seriously, it's pretty damn hard to talk to someone about something of which they are clueless. Like a woman talking to a man about PMS. It just won't happen and I don't care how compassionate that man is, he won't be able to "get it" the same away another woman can.

So I surprised myself when I told the front desk lady at my pdoc's office that I wanted to schedule with a therapist. Here's my rationale:

1. It can't hurt. The only thing I will lose is an hour of my time.

2. There is a chance it may help.

Okay, before anyone tries to give me an award for Optimism, here's the ulterior motive:

3. With the drama at work, I need to officially talk to someone about the official nutter-butter that I am, so they can write an official thingie for my employer so I can apply for the FMLA (partial disability through work, it allows a full-time employee to keep benefits even if working less than 38 hours per week, and excuses call-ins and the need to leave a shift early). The FML is essential now that my job has changed and is going to enhance the crazies. The fact I will have a "disability" or whatever in my file makes it nearly impossible to get fired just because they want to get rid of me. Obviously I am a good employee and don't generally act like a jackass, so it's not like I am trying to cover my ass because I am a shitty employee. I'm trying to be proactive in face of the drama and the people I know are lousy morons intimidated by someone with a brain capacity larger than their own.

4. I find it mildly amusing to try therapy again. I am all sorts of prepared to not hold back and lay it all out there. Even if that means calling the person out on bull-shit or lame cookie-cutter advice. It will be good for me to have a stimulating conversation with someone.

Here's some truth:

5. I have been having repeated dreams about my ex-husband and J. They are not good dreams, in these dreams D and J are hurting me again, over and over. Typically there is the same theme of things that happened in the past. And in this lovely and vivid dream, I am feeling the same old feelings, and hurting the same old way. It totally sucks to wake up from sleep feeling emotionally worn out. Maybe this might help that.

Who the fuck knows.

bbb

Workout out isn't quite... working.

2010-05-15T20:21:00.000-04:00

I've hit the gym with all of my old enthusiasm. Finally decided to avoid wheat even though my allergy is only "mild". But heck, figured it would help my body's digestive processes and the weight lose thing. So I'm all in on that one. Same with healthy eating in general, really rockin' that business out and whatnot.

After a week of shirt drenching sweat, guess what? Nothing. Nothing at all. No differences in weight or volume. Edit: increase in volume. I'm pissed and disheartened. It usually isn't like this the first couple weeks of working out, this is when the most drastic weight loss occurs due to release of excess water weight. What the frick, man.

I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday because I am a jackass. I've been tired after work, stressed, and not sleeping well so I haven't messed with that. I have every intention of going to the gym tomorrow though, whether I feel like it or not. Period.

The job I did at work was never an officially sanctioned "job", it was a hodge-podge of things regarding financials, customer orders, vendors, distribution centers, the all beloved customer contact, etc. It was the perfect non-job job for me. The hours were consistent, my sched was flexible for doctor appointments and days when I was just plain running late, etc. My desk was tucked away from people for the most part so I wasn't distracted or feeling anxious being around others or by others looking at me. I worked at my own pace and under nobody's direction but my own. I am a hard worker, motivated and thorough, so slacking never was an issue. Sure there were the moments of painting my nails and texting on my phone, but for heaven's sake, the amount of ass that I kicked when I was "in gear" far outweighed my nail painting and whatnot.

Since people suck, they complained about my job (they didn't think I did anything because they are too ignorant to know that the things I did even needed to be done, and too weak to bother coming over and spending half a day with me watching what I did). They whined I was being treated with favoritism (not true, and not my fault I am smarter than them and work harder/better than them), didn't have a real job, didn't do anything, etc. Regional HR received these complaints and viola, I was no longer allowed to do what I did and was moved to a department.

Being that I know all things admin related (seriously, I'm not being cocky by saying this, every single person in that store comes to me with questions, and I have answers, which is fine, but a bit annoying when the leading management team has their heads stuck in their asses and needs to ask little ole me how to do shit) I was placed at the customer service desk. Oh the joys. First, I don't really like having that many customers straight up in my face the whole time. Whatever. Second, the current "team" they have up there, well, for the most part, they are flaming idiots. Again, I am not being harsh. There are some truly special stories I have from my brief encounters with them before. Moving on.

Working service desk sucks in of itself, but there are a few factors that make it a bit disastrous for my mental health:

1. My schedule is at the mercy of the department manager (who doesn't like me, funny how that happens when people are intimidated or threatened by you). Typically, these schedules (disregarding any personal bias the manager may have) are random, the shifts range from 6a-3p to 2p-11p. All over the map. Hello instability. The lack of consistency is rough on me.

2. I have to ask the head cashier to go pee because I can't leave the service desk unattended and they have to find someone to take my place. Feels a little like prison.

3. My 15 minute breaks and my lunches are scheduled and decided for me. No flexibility, no self determination. I am at the mercy of these ridiculous power-tripping girls (some older women) with terribly petty attitudes. I feel like I am being smothered. Working the front end is why I quit the company a few years back. It literally drove me nuts.

4. I work with idiots. While I am thankful for my brain and previous experiences within the company, it makes it harder for me in the end because those around me don't know, and I fill in for their deficiencies. In some ways it is slightly amusing when the silly girls act like bad-asses and later in the day have to come to me with questions. I mildly enjoy watching someone with their tail between their legs who was just an asshole a couple of hours ago. Overall, being the babysitter and helper for everyone is a pain in the ass. Working harder and faster than everyone is a pain in the ass.

In sum, the schedule lacks any element of consistency, the time spent working is at the discretion of others (fully equipped with attitudes), and it can be a hectic fast paced environment (exacerbated by others not knowing what's up). All of this adds up to... stress. And we all know how great that is for my brain. Fanfuckingtastic. In many ways, I think dealing with rude co-workers (especially the head-cashiers) is the hardest part for me. That and the total loss of all autonomy. I need my autonomy!!! Well, the lack of consistency is also shitty. So I'm thinking it's a little bit of everything that sucks with this. Yes. It kinda sucks ass.

The other things, self-loathing alternating with self-love fifteen times a day (and ultimately settling on the loathing due to my physical size and feelings like crap about so many other things...

Fuck this. Now I'm pissed and don't feel like trying to explain why I hate the things I hate. Fuck it.

I will write more later.

bbb

(Still lacking clever titles)

2010-05-13T17:58:00.000-04:00

Not much is new, nothing worth writing about anyway. I'm still super tired which is a total blast. I don't know how much of that is from the blood sugar business or the brain business. And I get home and don't really care. All I want to do is sleep! I have had a stinking kick-ass headache since last night at some point, and it won't stop. Makes me kinda cranky, you know? I saw pdoc today, and he asked how things have been with the meds. I told him fine, except for the lack of motivation, the obsession with one thing (e.g. stupid iPhone themes) and one thing only, mildly uncontrolable aggression at random times, etc. He didn't really respond. That was an extremely productive conversation. Clearly. There is drama at work, people are being stupid and not to sound like a big giant cry-baby, but some managers are making things hard on me intentionally. It's stupid shit. The best part of this story is that every now and again they still need my help and come asking for my assistance in a nice and sweet manner. It's ridiculous, they are incompetent, and I do happen to have more work-related knowledge than they do. True story. Not exaggerating. I told the store manager the other day in a private meeting we had that I know what's up with this situation (I spoke to him in more detail obviously), and when I gave my take-home statement his face turned a lovely shade of red. Bingo. Thanks for confirming my little theory, jackass. During this conversation I also added a few tid-bits, such as, "I'm okay with people being rude and whatnot; I'm not going anywhere and this silly drama won't get the best of me". There were a few other gems but I cannot recall them off hand. You may recall several months ago that my mom was being more helpful and supportive with things at home. I didn't mention it at the time (or I may have and simply forgot) but I had a feeling it was a phase of hers and wouldn't last forever. Ding ding ding. I was right. It has been vanishing and now we are at the point where it is gone. It definitely sucks ass. I'm not saying she *should* help me out, or that I am entitled to her assistance. Not by any means. But damn, shit is harder at home now. And she places extra demands on me and does so in her intense slightly urgent and loud voice, which comes across as having a lot of attitude and kinda rude. I've tried to tell her this, but she doesn't agree, therefore continuing to tell her how I feel about it is totally pointless. Being at home is a blast. She quit understanding and working with me with things, even little stuff like taking care to not speak in that particular type of dialogue/tone. It sucks ass. So after a long day at work and some time at the gym (yes, I joined!) which is stressful in itself because of my little issue with other people looking at me and how much I loathe my body, I come home and get nagged. In some ways she is right to nag as there are things I should do to help out. But the timing of the nagging sucks ass as usual, and I don't think she understands how I have been feeling lately. My room is disgusting (not just cluttered, but actually kinda gross) and I don't have the energy/will/drive to clean it. She thinks I'm being lazy, but it's not that. It's some mix of depression, stress, and/or hypoglycemia. I want to want to clean it, and I scream at myself in my head, but my body and motor functions have other ideas. It is so frustrating that she doesn't understand/comprehend how I have been feeling. I'm not even going to elaborate on here how I have been in my head because I am getting tired now of typing and my hands hurt.

(I can't think of an appropriate title)

2010-05-07T21:05:00.000-04:00

Jess, thank you for sending me those messages! I haven't been on here in forever. I've been more tired than usual and slightly depressed off and on. Scattered, the semester ended, and I'm feeling like crap/tired more often than not. I had accidentally signed myself out of blogger and it was too much of a hassle to sign back in. Lame, I know! **another thing that is lame, my computer or this blog thing won't let me press enter to move to the next line, it takes me down a whole page instead! That's pretty stupid really!** So anyhoo... I've had a couple super busy weeks at work, and have been very productive with all of that. School ended, I'm glad this semester is done! I have a shit ton of things I want to get done this summer to (school related). I'll be a busy girl even when not enrolled in official courses! I went to the doctor yesterday because I have been extremely fatigued after I eat a normal sized "meal" (healthy at that). If I eat a meal, I need to sleep afterwards. It's as simple as that. So during the day I eat a granola bar or whatever every 3-4 hours, drink water, and wait until I get home to eat a bowl of two of cereal, a chicken salad, PB&J, etc. Then I nap, wake up later, do some stuff, and am usually worn out and laying in bed on my laptop by 8 or 9 (tonight was 7:30!). I keep myself occupied until I fall asleep typing or reading, but I'm doing better at putting the laptop or book away before I fall asleep! It's much better this way. The doctor spoke to my mom this afternoon (I gave them permission to discuss stuff with her) and told them that my blood from Thursday morning was hypoglycemic (63), the nurse said I should eat small meals ever 3-4 hours and reduce my sugar intake and to come back if I keep feeling crappy. 1) that was my blood sugar after I had had a good sized bowl of oatmeal before going to the doctor appointment (60-90 minutes later). I never eat in the morning but I did this particular morning. I was zonked. And I was apparently hypoglycemic. Low blood sugar would explain the insane fatigue and shitty feeling-ness after I eat. So if we work from here, I am already eating small meals, I don't eat a butt-load of sugar, and this fatigue crap is getting worse. So I'm not too sure how the hell continuing to do what I'm doing is going to help jack. Furthermore, if you are hypoglycemic, the immediate solution is to have juice or something, not reduce the sugar intake (as the nurse told my mother). Diabetics reduce sugar intake because the either don't have enough insulin or are insulin-resistant. Hypoglycemia is the exact opposite problem; in absence of diabetes, it's usually because of an overproduction of insulin or insulin like junk in your body. Eating to lower blood sugar and prevent blood sugar spikes doesn't really add up here... unless you're diabetic. Which I am not. Smaller meals is a good thing for immediate treatment, but you need to also get to the root of the problem and why there is too much insulin. This fatigue after eating has been rocking out for more than a month. Soooooo... to tell me I don't need to come back for further looking at my body parts seems to be a bit silly to me. I thought I was going insane after my mother told me about the conversation. So I headed over to Mayo Clinic's website to double check. Who would have guessed.... I was correct. The shitty thing though is that the reasons for hypoglycemia in non-diabetic persons all kinda suck. I'm not an alcoholic, I'm not anorexic, I don't take medications that mess with blood sugar, and I don't have hepatitis (just had a clean bill of health from the STD peoples). According to Mayo, possible causes are severe illness of the liver or kidneys, endocrine problems (adrenal or pituitary, although these problems are more common to manifest with hypoglycemia in children, not adults), and tumors (e.g. tumor on the pancreas causing too much insulin, insulin secreting tumors (or secreting insulin like stuff), tumors that use up too much glucose, and/or an insane pancreas with too big of beta cells thus making too much insulin. I'm not worried about it. I figure this shit will get fixed soon enough. Although I did start to think about Adderall, and how I have to take it to stay awake. Given the hypo-sugar crap, that may not be the best route to take. Stimulating my body to keep moving and using blood sugar when I'm low is kinda dumb. Hell, good to know this hypo-sugar shit explains why I can take adderall and *still* sleep for hours!!! :o) Okay, bed time. I will write something remotely interesting tomorrow.

...

2010-04-18T16:11:00.000-04:00

Pardon my non-writing. There were some things I had told some folks I would write, but I never have, and I kinda suck.

Junk has been relatively stupid lately. And my dear little brain is on the fritz once again. I'm trying to get this research paper done by midnight to turn in for my online class (that I think is retardedly dumb). It's harder than you would think to write about a "duh" topic using "duh-er" things that I "learned" in this class. Seriously. I'm pissed off at this shit. Tomorrow I have to go to work, then read three chapters for my exam Tuesday morning, make up the four chapter review exercises I haven't done for this section, write a one-page reflection about the presentation from the Grawemeyer Award recipient for 2010, and submit a peer review of a classmates research paper.

The peer review by the way, is more than likely going to frustrate me. Or make me laugh. I have my money on it doing both. The last paper I reviewed was written by a classmate that is under the impression H.M. has his temporal lobes removed. Hm. Alrighty then.

At any rate. It's all whatever. And I'm not exactly the happiest color in the crayon box.

Keep on trying to smile and keep myself upbeat!!!

Ehhh...

2010-04-13T22:19:00.000-04:00

Yeah not much is up with me. The same old crap, pointlessly obsession about my iPhone graphics, avoiding school I need to do and studying crap I don't *have* due, working way too hard at work and being amused by the ignorant fools there, etc. Same crap.

And I kinda feel like crap, for a lot of reasons, but frankly I don't feel like thinking about them. So I'm not going to :o)

I did go to the gym again today. Very proud of this! Thank you to Elizabeth and her blog ticker for motivating me! I might even get a ticker myself, if I buy a scale... which I may do tomorrow after work!

Oh hello, Fat Ass.

2010-04-06T10:19:00.001-04:00

Grand Discovery of the Day:

I have arm fat where my toned tris and delts used to be.
Back fat has replaced my once pretty and firm lats.
Not sure where the hell those obliques went.

Conclusion:

Back into the obsessive healthy eating and workout mode.
Can't exactly hide under hoodies in this freaking humidity.

It's safe to say that I pretty much feel disgusting.

How the fuck did I get here after once being a toned and fit little running machine. Yeah, that's a question but not a questions since I know the damn answer. Sure I always had my jiggly bits on my upper thigh, but overall... well I look back at pictures from a year or two ago and say HOT DAMN, I was a sexy little 5'10 kick-ass bitch. And I never knew it. It's true: Don't appreciate what you have... I always am so busy trying to be better that I forget to appreciate where I am at the particular moment.

Here's what's up: My obsession with grad school apps and shoving every ounce of neuroscience knowledge into my brain that will possibly fit has put working out in the back seat. During the winter it's all about hoodies and layering up to stay warm, so I am not confronted with my physical appearance. I used to have a big mirror in my old bathroom where I could always see EVERYTHING when I took a shower. The new bathroom has a smaller mirror above the sink that only shows above my belly button, and it is way easy to avoid looking into when taking a shower or whatever. The whole reason I quit going to the gym stemmed from the paranoid panic of being around people *at* the gym. I am super self-conscious and freak out. Even thought I know I am doing it, I fall into the trap of the "Spotlight Effect" cognitive distortion. When I'm depressed I don't care about my body, and when I'm hypo or manic I cannot stand to have people look at me. And in the small gym on campus, there are judgmental little 18 year olds without an ounce of fat on their bodies and the jock dudes that check out anything with tits and an ass. I know when they see me, I'm being judged and compared to the other sticks in there and I am sure as hell they are mocking every flaw I have. Yes, my logical educated side of the brain tells the stupid side of the brain that this probably isn't a global truth.

Knowledge is typically "power", however knowing that I am probably being an overreactive jackass and yet not being able to stop my mind from racing and freaking me out and turning me into a hypervigilant, aggressive, defensive, paranoid, self-hating and panicked idiot... well it just isn't helpful. I end up hating myself even more because I know I am being stupid and yet have not figured out how to stop it. This breeds frustration which only serves to enhance the shitty freaked out feelings.

These states of extreme emotional stress and freaked-out-ness are a lovely catalyst to a full blown crazy ass manic episode. Not the euphoric mania. But the nasty dysphoric kind with a fine helping of aggression and and incredible inability to think or monitor my behavior. In short, I become an out of control crazy person watching myself from outside of my body hardly unable to realize what the hell I am doing, what I am saying, or able to stop myself from being a fucking wacky jackass that is pretty much outside of my usual Self.

Clearly I want to avoid this manic-ish bullshit. The obvious first step is to avoid situations which trigger this crap (e.g. going to the gym). What else can I do to still workout? Okay, let's try going running along the streets. I live in the country, so there isn't a whole lot around. But there are houses. And there are folks that drive along these roads. Hell there are some people that walk and jog too. These "encounters" passing by others creates the same damn reaction as the gym peoples.

It's hard as hell to make myself go into these situations. Like any person, I enjoy avoiding situations that make me feel like shit and have clear disastrous mental results.

Being an unfit flabby person makes me feel like crap. Wearing a t-shirt or anything remotely form fitting (e.g. a t-shirt less than a men's size L or XL) results with the same damn steps leading the the nutty-ness.

Alright... the plan is to protect my mental-ness by avoiding the gym and remain a tubby bitch that is freaked out and literally unable to wear a t-shirt without fucking losing it. This worked great until the humidity set in. I am about to fucking melt under my Under Armor hoodie today. It's obvious I need to put a damn t-shirt on. Which results in the nutty-ness. Or I can go to the gym, and have the same nutty-ness, but at least be able to wear clothes without literally wanting to die.

New plan: Rock out with the gym activities.

All of this is frustrated by the fact I KNOW that I am probably overreacting and my interpretations and perceptions of the people and world around me are more than likely a *little* bit distorted from reality. Knowing this, it doesn't make it feel any less REAL for me. These feelings, thoughts, and emotions are REAL. This is how I feel. It is intense and shitty. I'm further frustrated and angry because within this REAL and paranoid brain exists a dichotomy where I also know I am being ridiculous on a superficial and separated level of cognition that happens to be completely detached from the core of how I feel and what I experience as MY reality.

Fuckitall.

P.S. Why the fuck do some people sitting next to me in class feel the need to ask me what I am typing. And to then crane their neck over to try to see the text, followed by another neck craning to see the Facebook photos I was looking at of my friend's children. PISS OFF you nosey fuckers.

Feeling Like Ass.

2010-04-01T10:31:00.001-04:00

Stupid week.

Stupid stress.

Stupid warm weather.

Stupid little hookers running around in pretty much skin-tight nothing with tummies showing while giving class presentations.

Yay. Now I feel like even more of a fat ass. Continuing to eat healthy and exercise... and still feeling shitty. AWESOME.

And not smart enough yet (won't be smart enough until smarter than all peers), therefore study and research time cannot be sacrificed because "smarts" are my thing and I am terribly threatened and filled with such a terrifying anxiety and obsession/compulsion to out perform anyone who seems on my level of smartness or above, since this "smarts" is my only "thing" I have.

And needing to start working more since the damn busy season is here for the store.

Well wasn't that obvious?!

2010-03-24T20:25:00.000-04:00

I had a "duh" conversation today. I was at work explaining to my sister (who works with me; she came back to my desk area to talk) how I have been feeling, the cliff notes version anyhow. After I was done, I listened to myself from a third person perspective and damn it all to hell, but I would tell "me" that they are depressed. Hell the physical sx are pretty much all there. Sure, I'm not ruminating and feeling sorry for myself (aside from wishing this shit would stop and go away!!), but the lack of interest, enthusiasm, enjoyment, happiness, fatigue and lethargy, increased sleeping time, lack of wanting to get out of bed or leave the house, decrease in personal grooming (i.e. not too many showers here recently), poor appetite, etc.

Again, allow me to say: DUH.

Today was super special and spectacular. I was at work, and I was mostly unhinged. There is an incredibly annoying pathetic idiot of a department manager there. He drives me crazy and is just a freaking idiot. Stupid ass mother fucker. At any rate, he said something dumb while a few of us were in one of the offices. I just blurted out, "you're an idiot". I said it more than once. Like four times-ish... He tried to argue, I got pissed and became a little unhinged. Then felt like a jackass and eventually left. The other people in the office gently sided with him in a mild way, and knowing full well these people think this dude is an idiot too means I must have been way the hell out of line. AWESOME. I just love making a jackass out of myself. It's just a swell thing to do.

There has been more than a handful of similar situations. However I am not going to sit here and list every jackass thing I have done this past week. Generally not a good idea. And I maintain most of those people deserved it. Clearly they did something fairly stupid that set me off; I'm not indiscriminately mean. To my credit, there have been *many* times this week in which I have managed to bite my tongue and refrain from saying something incredibly stupid directly to anyone's face. Yay. Go team.

Guess what? Nap time. I will probably wake up in a few hours. If not, I have my alarm set extra early so I can bust out the rough draft for this condensed research paper that is definitely due tomorrow. Actually is was due yesterday, but some depressed ass chick decided she wasn't going to go to school or do her assignment. Super fantastic. I'm a super start now, folks.

A Crying Baby!

2010-03-24T03:08:00.000-04:00

Yep. That's me folks. I can be a hard core bad-to-the-bone bitch that won't cry over jack. Then later in the same day, I cry thinking about the movie, P.S. I Love You. I mean cry, as in a sobbing event. Go figure.

Well this shit is back in force! It's driving my a but nutty.

In general, this little phase I have been in, what with the depressed and sad and crying and teary shit, combined with the lack of any motivation or concern for school is *really* getting old.

I'm very frustrated!

And as any good jackass, I've been working more and more on that graphic design shit. What a WONDERFUL use of my time. Such a productive little obsession...
yeah, right.

I won't say that I hate myself or I hate my life, that is silly and extreme. But I will say that I hate this current state of affairs.

I also hate that I can be like I am right now, so damn unhappy and sad and "miserable" and shit. And then I can spend two minutes talking to someone at work, smile, be a cheerful little broad, and then within another five minutes go back to the shit.

I'm tired. Cranky. Lonely (but not lonely at all). Bored (but not bored at all). Frustrated. Pissed. Misanthropic. Unhappy with shit for no particular reason.

This health bull-shit isn't helping either. After I eat anything the size of a "meal" (i.e. two small bowls of wheat/oat (not super sugary) cereal, or two chicken drumsticks, or a PBJ sandwich, basically anything more than a single 140 cal granola bar) causes me to pass out. It's a weird, uncontrolled exhaustion that I literally cannot stay awake through.

I have a hard time staying awake in general. I have a terrible time getting up in the morning, my body is so.... unresponsive. It's weird. Almost like it hurts to get up, but it isn't painful. This pisses me off and adds to my bad mood because I feel extra like crap and then am running late, which adds stress to the matter.

Hell, I'll take adderall and have coffee, and this will *barely* phase me. Granted I only take a small does of adderall, 5mg at a time varied between 1 to 4 doses during the hours of 7am - 4pm...but still. I shouldn't need this to stay awake. It's absurd.

I'm exhausted. Going back to bed now.

I'm up at the moment because I have taken four different naps today.

Oh, and the vivid dreams I usually have are now on steroids. I have real dreams, for what seems like all through the night, and they aren't just real as is quality, but they are real as in the context. I will dream about getting ready for work, going to work, going to school, etc. Everything the exact same as if I was really experiencing it in reality. So after I drag my groggy ass out of bed, I then have the challenge for the next hour of sorting out what is real, and what I only experienced in my dreams. It's a giant pain in the ass, and this may sound silly, but I feel like I don't get any rest! It seems like my mind is awake and I am using mental energy for my real and dream "experiences" at all times. Two days ago I had trouble getting up for my alarm. Close to the time I had to leave for work I was in bed and the alarm went off (I have several alarms set because one usually will not be enough). I laid there because I had already gotten up, showered, dressed, ate, and had everything ready to go. When I did get out of bed I was freaking shocked to see that my happy ass had been there all night.... I was not dressed, had definitely not showered, and was pretty hungry. I was also very late to work that day.

I was really pissed when I did got into the bathroom to shower and I *didn't* have three towels hanging in there as I saw last time I was in there.
Oh wait... that too was part of the dream! Now I'm late, hungry, smelly, and pissed because I don't have clean towels!!!

It's stupid as hell, but I choose to laugh.

However, it still needs to stop!

Brain fog.

2010-03-23T12:47:00.000-04:00

I tried to focus on some research work for my paper. I really really really tried. One of two things happened, 1. I was distracted by the obsession to work on the graphic images/designs for the iPhone UI, or 2. when the graphic shit wasn't totally distracting me, I realized I have a very limited short term memory and concentration span right now. Super not cool. I need those two for school and whatnot.

I am so frustrated with so many things. The not concentrating bit has me behind in school work. And other things I need to do regarding bills, health care admin crap, taking my online traffic school course, etc.

Shit. I need to do that traffic crap right now. A letter yesterday informed me my drivers license is suspended. Definitely not cool.

Anyhoo, I was already bored and done with typing this.

Fucking school. Fucking homework. Fucking brain.

An Obsession with Blankets.

2010-03-21T17:21:00.000-04:00

I have this addiction/obsession with blankets and pillows on my bed. I cannot get enough of them. Even when it's really warm out, I will turn my fan on or the AC so I can still have all of my blankets on my bed without sweating to death. I don't know if it is a security thing or what the deal is. I love the cozy and fluffy feeling.

It's similar to my weird thing with t-shirts and sweatshirts and how I simply can never have too many because I would freak out if I ran out and stuff and I eve do get a little nutty when nothing I have in the closet will "work" for a particular day, and it's not like I am a freaking fashionista here so it's not because it doesn't "look" right. It's also similar to the feeling I have when I leave the house, and how I have to take everything with me that I might need just shy of the kitchen sink. And why I have thirteen different containers of those Listerine breath strips in my drawer at work, purse, backpack, and truck. Same goes with the only kind of chapstick I'll wear. Every time I'm at Walmart I buy more "just in case".

Anyone else share this?
I posted once about the need to bring everything with me when I leave the house (I have bought a canvas tote that I load my items up into in addition to my purse), and I forget who it was, but there were similar experiences shared.

Ick.

2010-03-21T13:31:00.000-04:00

I am behind in school again, and I need to get my happy ass in gear. All I do is sleep or feel no motivation except for sleep. My body is so fatigued that I feel sick and nauseous if I stand still for too long without laying down.

After I eat, I am wiped out and literally pass out. Just one granola bar won't do that, so I eat a few snacks during the day. At night, I have an actual meal and pass the fuck out.

I slept until 12p this afternoon. Got up, tried to do school research, decided I was craving fiberous stuff, had some frosted mini wheats and skim milk, and now I am about to pass the fuck out one again. I took my daily meds, and I hope that adderall shit will work soon. Because I am miserable trying to type and my arms are heavy and fingers don't listen to where I want them to go. Okay, nap time.

Bah.

2010-03-20T11:51:00.001-04:00

That about sums it up.

I'm doing this half nutty half depressed shit here. Pretty annoying. It's a flux between clinically depressed to out of control horny throughout the day. Angry sarcastic aggression spans both mood types. It's hard for me to be at work when I'm like this.

There is also that feeling of being incredibly unsettled. No matter what I'm doing, it's wrong, doesn't feel right, and I don't feel safe. It feels like the core of my chest is vibrating (small and fast) and it can't sit still.

I have zero interest in school and have been obsessing with the graphics I'm making for my iPhone. Now that it's almost done, I feel like a fool. Not because it turned out bad, but because I spent time doing it. I'm kinda stupid for that. But I don't care about school right now. Hell I don't care about anything. I've been dandy with staying at home and doing the graphic shit or watching reruns of House and Scrubs that I've seen 5+ times. It's all I want to watch. Don't ask why. But now that this stupid "unsettled" shit has cropped up, I don't feel okay even when I
home.

I'm exhausted all the time, even when I take Adderall. Concentration is a thing of the past. Which may be why I'm not interested on school. Hm.

I'm miserable about my physical appearance.

I need to clean my boots.

In general I'm so stressed and unsettled or obsessing about stupid shit (ie graphics for my phone) that I can't even sit and talk to someone on the phone. Or call my Grams out in California. Which makes me feel like s douche.

So all I'm doing here is bitching which clearly won't solve anything.

The mess have been stable so it can't be that. I dropped two classes recently to reduce stress but apparently that wasn't enough.

Fuck it.

- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone

Little Miss Emotional.

2010-03-11T22:31:00.000-05:00

Holy crap have I been an emotional sissy today! I had to watch a thing about the military and the mothers that are deployed. The scene of the mother's coming home made this wet shit come out of my eyeballs. It was not because of their particular situation but because seeing that reminded me that I never got to see (and have the closure of) my exhub coming home. He didn't die; he was stationed in Bahrain when the divorce was filed and I never saw him after that (I only saw his lovely attorney). I've thought in the past that never getting to see him "come home" may have had some impact on me... but it wasn't until this afternoon that I fully realized it.

Although, I also think it may have something to do with the fact I'm definitely rockin' out with that girly time of the month, or because I have seemed to be emotional lately in general... or something. Or maybe the dude I saw at the mall the other day that looked identical to him when he looked up, so much that if I saw a snapshot of that, I would have bet my life it was D. Virtually "seeing" him after never saying a real "goodbye" messed with me a little too... and then the movie... and well I'm a mess lol.

J has also had been almost in tears (I fight them back because I am too damn stubborn to cry over him or the exhubs so I end up with a headache). When I'm alone I let them out, but only if there isn't anyone around. I cleared off pics from my camera so my sister can borrow it today, and I saw pics from my last trip out to see J. Hello sadness and tears with a little bit of ouchy feelings. The pic of him in the truck, I know those hairs on his arms, the wrinkles in his forehead, his finger nails, the pores on his nose, I know all of that. It's all so familiar but I will never see it again. And his last actions were so not familiar and such a deviation from his personality and everything he has said and/or done up for 4 years up to that point. It sucks. Then my female friend from Boise posted pics of Boise (where J and I moved to and lived for almost a year together) on Facebook this evening and looking at my old home, and the place that I was going to move back to, and the place I still want to live (but won't because being so close to him would more than likely break my itty bitty black heart at this point in time)... I could smell the smell of the city, the smell of the foothills, the smell of the pine trees up in the mountains, the smell of the river, and all of my memories out there flooded back. And with them came the teary eyes. I miss my best friend. I miss my life with him, and I miss so much. But at the same time, just as everything is so familiar, it's incredibly foreign at the same time because it's been so long, and because that relationship no longer exists, in platonic or romantic form.

The war video made me think about my exhubs, and for the first time consider how him being in the military and away from home SO much impacted our relationship. Then I have regrets. I revisit the errors and mistakes I made. I almost have regret, and I cry for what was lost. Still, his employment and my mistakes don't negate the fact he was emotionally abusive and manipulative; I was generally unhappy and it was definitely an unhealthy relationship. That aside, I still have the liquid on my face thinking about it.

Oh fuck it, I closed my bedroom door. And yeah, crap is silently leaking from my eyes. I replay the words of some emails he sent while stationed far away right before the divorce was filed. His words of apology and regret for being abusive towards me (not physical, but the other ways), he wished he could take it back, and he wanted things to work and for me to stay... I think of those, and I wonder, if maybe this was the point at which he was going to change?? Would this have been it, that day I waited and wished for for nearly 6 years???? Or would this have been like all of the other times, when he would change for a few weeks, and invariably return to his old habits and behaviors? I know the latter is most likely the truth, but still... in this incredibly vulnerable state I am in right now, I wonder... and I cry.

I cry for so many things, the what ifs, the pain I felt back then, what I lost, I cry for D and I cry for J, the two men I loved with all of my heart that could not love me the same in return.

God damn, I have no idea why I am being like this. I haven't cried in a while over J, and hell it's been forever since I cried about D. And now both at once, and these damn memories keep intruding in my mind and I miss so many things.

I'm doing my best to focus on what I have gained in losing these relationships. My independence, sense of self, renewed focus on my education and future career, and the list goes on.

:::several hours later:::

Alrighty. Done with that tearing up bullshit. And back to designing icons for my iPhone theme I'm making. I'm WAY too anal to use any of the themes available on the jailbreak applications because they all have some part that doesn't suit me, and they never have all of the icons that I have on my spring board. So... I'm making my own. Apparently I have this hidden techy geeky side. Who knew.

Take a Ride

2010-03-10T21:22:00.000-05:00

On the roller coaster! Seriously, the past couple of weeks have been flingy and all over the map.

I was depressed for a few days. Today driving into town to go to work I was elated for no particular reason. I also observed a total lack of social filter today and was a raving smart ass dick to a couple people that annoy me at work. Well one chick is a cashier and is generally a rude little bitch, so I can't be totally blamed for that one.

Bah. At any rate, it doesn't really matter.

So I'm on this thing to lose some weight. Yes there are those dudes that like a girl with a butt (thank you J Lopez, Beyonce, and the Kardashian family for making this shit popular). I am not such a big fan of the junk in my trunk. Therefore I am going to remove some of it and firm up the rest. I am tired of hating my body, I am tired of walking around in my body and hating my body, I am tired of having sex and hating my body, and I am tired of taking showers and hating my body.

Be the change you wish to see. It's my choice, I can sit on the sidelines and wish to be thinner, or I can actually do something about it. I'm going with the second option.

I might even keep track of my progress on here. Maybe. If I remember! I have a food app on my iPhone to log my eating stuffs, and fitness app to do log my workouts in. The problem I am facing is the part where I have to *start* going to the gym. I need a pre-gym. I use the gym on campus so I am generally surrounded by 18-22 year olds that have hung on to their teenage figure. Next to them, I feel worser. Yes, worser is a word. So I need to grow a pair and just do it. I may make tomorrow my first day. I have my neurosci class and then NOTHING, and this NOTHING, why it is a splendid time to workout! The first week or two back I am only going to do cardio to get my lungs and stamina back up. Then I will begin to mix in my free weights and whatnot. I used to be a semi-female-meathead back in the day and all about working out and fitness and the eating and physio behind that stuff. So I'm lucky to have an idea of what I am doing. It's just a matter of getting over my little I-don't-want-to-be-around-people-because-they-make-me-nervous-and-paranoid issue. I have the shoes, I have the yoga pants, and I have the sweatshirt. I also have neurosci lectures from MIT on my iPhone that I can listen to while I am on the elliptical. I also have put together my pumped up techno-house workout remixes of groovy songs that have 140+ beats per minute to keep me all motivated and shit. It's all planned... I just need to *do* it. I think I will. I will report back on my success. Logging on here will be my way to hold myself accountable and such. I hope! And on my phone apps. Yes. I CAN DO THIS!!!

Today I went and had me hairs did. Trim and highlight. After highlights for almost a year, I am nearing the light brown with a touch of blond on the top phase. I love it. It brightens my face, makes my face look fresher and thinner, and puts me in a good mood. I'll put a bit of a tan on and viola I'll be looking decent. The other day I went to the mall with my sister (don't ask how the hell that happened, and it probably won't for another 6 months because the mall is evil) and bought some jewelry, including rings, necklaces, and earrings. I'm all ready to totally girl myself out. It's kinda fun, and I do like doing it now and then, but I haven't because I have hated how I look. So here we go folks, the warmer weather is coming and I need to be comfortable showing a little bit of skin (like girly t-shirts) so that means I need to go and get my toned arms back. They were pretty and they are gone. So I will go find them again.

Hell yes.

Honors Thesis

2010-03-09T23:55:00.000-05:00

Well hell. Looks like my incredible lack of any research experience prior to applying to top-tier schools is a deal breaker. No grad school for me this fall. THIS SUCKS ASS. I hate the university I go to now. It is a stupid place filled with many stupid professors and for heaven's sake, I find it to be absurd that I have been smarter than 1/3 of my psych professors thus far. I should not be correcting them (I usually keep this to myself and verify my facts using the PubMed database or something of official reference quality). It's absurd. I'm more than ready to get on with actually LEARNING something when I go to school.

Okay. Now that my little vent is out there, I will focus on the positives behind this development.

1. It has happened, therefor I believe it will work out and everything will be fine, so there isn't any reason for me to make a fuss over it.

2. I have the opportunity to do an honors thesis.
   a. This will look VERY good on my CV
   b. I will gain valuable preparatory experience

3. I can continue to work in the Cob lab I joined in January.
   a. Letter of rec from this prof will be a great addition to my app
   b. Again, expcellent preparedness from this
   c. Since I am working with him alone on something novel right now, perhaps I can co-author a published article
   i. This would be VERY VERY good on my app

4. I am 1,000,000 times more prepared for this next round of applications and will do a tremendously better job

5. I can retake my GREs and kick their asses out of the water

6. Now I can register to take the subject-GRE (which I didn't take for the last applications)

So..... this is not a bad thing. It's not ideally what I had in mind, *but* when I do go to grad school, I will be SO SO SO SO SO much more prepared and ready to kick ass in that experience than if I went in a few months.

I am definitely accepting of this new plan. I will rock it out!!

:o)

My Recent Antics...

2010-03-08T23:14:00.000-05:00

First, allow me to say that I don't want to hear from you if you are going to judge me after reading this. Seriously, go find something better to do with your time. Mmmkay.

Okay. So there's this dude in one of the labs. He's attractive. Likes brains. We chat, it's fun. Little bit of flirtation. I decide I like him. After discussing the situation with people that actually know a thing or two about dating, I decide to ask if he's seeing anyone.

Keep in mind I am the biggest va-jay-jay of all time when it comes to dating and whatnot, especially if I dont really know the dude. I'm a wuss.

Once my decision is made, I try to go to the lab to talk to dude during the time he is usually there. I get to the 3rd floor and decide to make a pit stop in the lobby. Couldn't quite muster the balls to go down the hall. A girlfriend from class calls to say she saw him by the cafe in tge library. She's a bit of a stalker apparently lol jk. Deciding "bumping" into him by the coffee place is better than creeping on the dude in his lab, I leave and go to get coffee with my friend.

Coffee is purchased and we seem to have list dude. We go outside to sit and chat. She spots dude sitting outside about 25 yards away. Dude walks by us as he leaves, and stops to say "hi". Courtney, without missing a beat says, "like I was saying, I have to run subjects at Dr. Lyle's lab, see you guys later".

I'm stuck here with dude. We chat. And I apparently forget part of the English language and chicken out.

A couple hours later, I end up in my professor's office (yes, my "fun" professor). We discuss some grad school crap, and the convo turns to my current "omg I like a dude and don't know what the hell to do about it" situation. His first question, is this dude a professor or student? Isn't he funny. Ha. Ha. Okay I guess he does have a point. He seemed casual about it, and unaffected. Dude acted supportive and whatnot and seemed to give me a straight read.

So he gives me his input and I end up sending dude an email (which he suggested). After that is done, and we talk about other random junk, he and I see that we both have a bit of free time, and so we get nekked for some fun (I'm sure I sound like a little hooker. But I'm not! )

Hot lab dude ended up writing back, and he is involved with someone (boooo). He did say that doesn't mean we can't do coffee and catch up though. However I find that idea to be odd. So it won't happen.

At the end of the day, I'm not upset, instead I'm proud of myself for 1) actually liking a dude, 2) actually talking about it to other people since doing so makes me vulnerable and I usually avoid this like the plague, and 3) I had the stones to say something to this dude (even though it was via email, baby steps!)
And I'm also happy to have gotten some ass.

So later...
I found out later from a male-friend of mine that getting advice on how to go after a dude I am romantically interested from the dude I am banging will not yield the most reliable results. Apparently, no dude in his right mind will truthfully help a chick he's doing get a boyfriend and end their fun times. Yeah, well I didn't think about that. Thank you to my buddy over in the sandbox, I love ya, and I'm glad you helped knock some sense into my bubble-head!!! :o)

(Cannot think of a clever title tonight)

2010-03-08T23:02:00.000-05:00

It's been forever since I have written on this darn thing. I've been busy, mentally busy I guess, and then when I am not busy I am tired, and to be totally honest, somebody has had a little bit of the blues here lately. Which pretty much equals me not writing about jack crap at all.

First, let's focus on the silly and positive things.

Last week, I'm at school and my laptop decides that the screen lighting up is a silly and pointless thing to do. I take my happy ass to the Apple store. I'm not sure if it was my bubbly personality or the tatas, but I got one hell of a deal. Homeboy hooked it up with a $200 discount. I immediately visited Macy's and treated myself to a new Coach purse (my other one is a few years old and fairly worn out!). Getting home I discovered Macs are pretty much a foreign creature. I couldn't understand why they don't have a right click button or how the piss to get the CD tray to pop out so I could put my disk on it and stick it in the laptop. Seriously, I was infuriated. Next day I'm talking to boss-man's girlfriend and learn the magical CD secret: there *isn't* a pop out tray. You slide the disk in like in a vehicle. Nooooooooo I'm not retarded at all......

Well the laptop was legit buggy and I took it back to Apple less than three days after purchase. Specialist dude (I did ask if that meant he had a 14 foot bus parked out back) works with it for 2 hours. During this tine I gave him a free 20 minute session explaining the phathophysiological causes (of Alzheimers) and behavioral/emotional regulation (lack there of) that result. I also gave him an idea of what it is like for his grandmother to experience it and how she may be psychologically affected and try to cope. I helped dude understand this shit. It was a totally rewarding feeling!

Anyhoo. He gets comp kinda better but I kindly explain I still want to swap it out for a new one because I don't trust it. He asks boss dude. Boss dude decides to brush me off and explain the definition (semantic and functional) of "update" as it applies to computers. I kindly said, "Thank you, but I read my Webster's at home this morning and understand what 'update' means". I eventually left with a new laptop and choking a bit on his nose which was shoved incredibly far up my ass.

It turns out I'm an iPhone theme designer. I figured out how to rock that out a couple weeks ago. I'm pretty pleased about it. Being as overly OCD and anal about tge asthtics and User interface of my phone, the ability to fine tune every aspect to my liking is superb.

I hacked into my terminal at work to access the networking files and whatnot. I definitely impressed myself there. Again with my user interface obsession, I was able to update the window themes, resolution, font and color. I'm MUCH happier now to be at my desk!!! But I'm more than a little pissed that someone told the HR lady what I did. And I only told a few people about the screen changes... so that means that someone I sorta trusted or whatever went and told on me like it was a bad thing that I did. Which is stupid, petty, and one more reason why I hate and don't trust people as a general rule. The people thing will be another blog post later or perhaps tomorrow. I have a lot to say about that and am still sorting it out in my head!

Random statement: I'm in love with Apple, my iPhone and Mac. They make me happy. Same with my new Coach thingie!

I've realized that I an an odd creature. Fairly eclectic. I'm always in jeans, 9 times out of 10 I'm rocking my cowboy boots, hoodie (fave being UnderArmor!), vintage tshirts, darkass plum/black nail polish, beaded bracelets, and a rather expensive girly purse. I like my hair to be done and nice clean makeup with some form of eye enhancement. I'm country-casual-retro-hippie-sporty-girly girl all at once. Strange indeed. Well nobody can say I am a follower! Ha. Plus I'm obsessive about tanning, smart about brains apparently with a dark computer hacking side, curse like a sailor even as I talk all 'neuro', I've recently realized I'm good at making people laugh, and have the ability to be very professional when I want to. So here I have the girly-rough and rebel-geeky intelligent-comedic jackass-straightlaced professional persona. I'm very moralistic yet don't give a shit.

I figure my best bet for an honest opinion about my hodge-podge-ness would be on the random interwebs. People I know, the dudes just want to sleep with me (some want to date too) so I can't really trust shit they say, females don't want to piss you off, and the ones I think are friends will be supportive and blah blah. If anyone who reads this has an opinion, please do share it with me!!!

I had this weird thought of being that single 35/40 year old without kids. It was a little weird. I've been single for a while, and haven't dated someone in tge ssame stere for years, so I've been living day to day as a single person for over 3 years. And the longer I'm single the weirder, more independent, and more unwilling to change for someone else I become. So the whole single and childless thing totally seems possible. I've been a girl lately and it's been bugging me. Wah. LOL.

Busy Bumble Bee

2010-02-19T17:05:00.000-05:00

I have been busy with a lot of stuff and nothing all at once. I'm getting behind in school because when I get home from work/school I tend to space out and doing a whole lot of nothing productive. It's stupid. I'm a little frustrated with myself at the moment.

Dentist on Monday. When he asks the expected "how are you", I am going to tell him in a frank manner, "well let's see, I've been in pain, my appointment was delayed a week, and you refused to help me out with the pain-killers, telling me that NSAIDs and acetimetophan taken together are the *same* as vicodin." I haven't decided if I am going to give him a piece of my pharmacology knowledge to clue him in on the fact that I am NOT stupid and he should not lie. If he doesn't want to dish out the meds, then straight up tell me. Don't lie.

My head hurts, and I'm tired. My body does this neat thing where after I eat (anything more than a granola bar or two), my eyes and head get heavy and I become super exhausted (I usually have to take a nap after I get home from work/school). It's annoying.

I will write more later, I have some mildly amusing things to share, such as the fact I have a "crush" on some dude and as a result I am turning into a "girl". Eekk.

TOOTH and a wee-bit of the crazies...

2010-02-14T21:26:00.000-05:00

My tooth, jaw, head, right ear, and right eye are killing me. This is NOT a good thing. Thankfully I have my dentist appointment tomorrow afternoon. But... there is a butt-load of snow forecast for tonight... so... well, I hope like hell that Mr. Dentist Man can get his butt into the office! I will be damned if I don't get seen and get some drugs! I'm dying over here.

OUCH.

Today I have gotten jack-shit done for school. I have screwed around and done hell only knows what on my laptop, without actually being productive. I feel like a moron. But I been "busy", so... screw it all. It sucks because I have an essay for a stupid ass "floofy" class due at 12am this evening. It is definitely not done. I have not motivation for it and when I do get the motivation it will last for about 5 minutes and then I will remember that I need to also do this or that, find an Under Armor hoodie online, or make a move on the Scrabble games on my iPhone, or check school email, or do this or that but it is NEVER any of the important things on my literal to-do list. And now it is time to buckle down for the essay and I am in so much pain that my eyes are about to start watering up. Which obviously, lowers my motivation even further. Oh balls. This is stupid.

I will turn on my iTunes and hopefully the music will keep my wound-up ADD brain occupied while the rest of me focuses on the essay assignment. And I am definitely going to find some aspirin.

OUCH.

Foot Washes Ashore In B.C.

2010-02-14T11:31:00.003-05:00

Personally, I find this article to be hilarious...

"VANCOUVER, British Columbia (AP)

Another human foot has washed ashore off the coast of British Columbia, the fifth in the past year.
This time it's a left one, and police say they still don't know why it keeps happening."

What a coincidence, I lost my left foot last weekend... the little bastard just fell off.

I'm being such a GIRL.

2010-02-14T11:19:00.001-05:00

First, I am annoyed with my "special-friend". He hasn't done anything to piss me off, but for some reason I am annoyed with him. I think I am entering that "girl" phase I sometimes go into, you know, where I get tired of meaningless (hot) sex and want something "more"... like you would find in an honest to goodness relationship. I definitely don't have those feelings for the special-friend, it's just straight up physical. Pretty damn good I might add, but there isn't any meaning behind it, so I get annoyed with him, and am losing interest because I'm being a freakin girl and wanting someone I care-care about, more than just as a platonic friend or whatever.

I am aware I am a bit of a oddity among people, very "unique" shall we say. And I am also aware that I have incredibly high and specific standards for what I am looking for in a potential mate. I know what I want and I won't flex or settle for less than that, period. Last week I came up with the conclusion that I will have to wait until graduate school to find anyone on the same "scientifically-edumacated" level (yes, I intentionally spelled that wrong lol).

Okay... then there is this dude... I met him in the visual-neuro lab at school last Thursday (my neuro class required that we do some testing on one of their new brain anatomy programs) and this guy is the graduate research assistant for the lab. And he is good-looking. Not in the traditional "Abercrombie-male-model" kind of way, in a different way... can't put my finger on it. But the boy has some pretty eyes, decent build, and smart as a whip about brains, and *THAT* above all else is straight up super sexy. He scored additional points with me after being as excited as I am about my iPhone apps for neurosci and neuroanatomy (one was similar to his program in the lab so I showed him and he was pretty stoked about it), that too, incredibly attractive quality.

Good news is that he did not have a ring on that important left hand finger.

Here's the conundrum. First, he may be dating someone. Or he could even be engaged. Hell, he's attractive, smart, funny, and all of that shit, how he could be single is beyond me. Then again, I am smart (I hope) and people find me attractive and I am funny (this I know from feedback) and I am definitely single. So it's possible that he is too. Then again, I'm a nutter-butter weirdo. Which isn't all bad, but I know it isn't exactly everybody's cup of tea. Beyond the nutter-butter thing, I do have a rare personality type. Very eclectic. For example, I drive my big diesel truck, I am tomboyish in that I love pretty much all things diesel engine related (tuning them up, the smell of diesel smoke, the smell of diesel fuel, etc), I love football (GO RAIDERS!), I generally think like a dude, I don't like females, I don't like dressing up all that often, I love outdoor activities, I hate gossip mags, I hate girl "cliques" in general, I don't toy around and play games... yet I love my Coach purse, am very anal about my nails looking nice (currently they are a deep ass purple, almost black, but not quite), I love going tanning and being tan, I love putting makeup on and getting myself to look all pretty in the face, I love getting my hair "done" (cut, highlighted, etc.), I love good decor in my home, I love my truck when it is all shiny and clean (that's gender neutral though)... etc. There are many other things about me, that are a mix of many "types". So it's going to take a unique person to dig all that I am rockin' with.

So I have a little crush on this guy, and I spend 5 minutes thinking "what if", and then my sensible side barges in with the "you idiot, he's probably in a realtionship and if not, I doubt he's gonna be interested in your weirdness and bucket full of issues (including the fact I wall myself off, don't trust people, am misanthropic, and have the whole social anxiety/paranoia/obsessive/volitile stuff from the BD)". Then I think that I am kinda groovy despite and because of this stuff. And I'm a damn good person. And *I'm* single, so he could be too.

At any rate, this goes back and forth in my head and it is really annoying. I have been trying not to think about it AT ALL... but that doesn't always happen as planned. When I do think about it though, I quickly change the topic in my mind. Not going to obsess over this!

*BUT*... while showing me how the program works at different stages, he had to sit next to me, we shared some giggles, and smart things, and the last time he sat next to me, when he put his elbow up on the desk, it touched my elbow on the desk a little. I definitely didn't move mine away, and he didn't either until he got up when I needed to complete the next testing section. That and I totally caught him checking my boobs out, which cracked me up. And for once, I wasn't annoyed by it (which is definitely unusual for me). I didn't have a low cut shirt on, but I did have a scoop neck and somehow that morning I noticed the boobs looking firmer and had a lot of "umph" to them, hell I kinda stared for a second, and then tried to pull the shirt up a bit, but still, they were looking pretty good even with the shirt pulled up. Nice and round LOL. I do have decent sized knockers, I won't lie. Anyhoo...

So, like any good idiot, I penciled myself in for the same time slot this Thursday. Yes, I am an idiot. BUT... I have my little crush, which in of itself is VERY rare for me to have a crush on someone, so I am rolling with it. And am making a conscious effort to not ignore him, and to smile, and generally be "open" in such a way that conveys interest, but not in a creepy stalker way. I have a habit of having these walls, and if I am into a dude, they may never know it because I make a point to NOT appear to be just another moronic girl because I have being vulnerable in any way, shape, or form, so I end up coming across as aloof and indifferent to the dude. I'm trying to not do this with this dude.

Awwwww I have a crush.

And I totally hate it! BAH. Because while it may be nice to have little "what ifs" in my head about to potential for a bit of dating with a desirable dude, but then there is the inevitible let-down that will come when he either isn't in to me, or is in a relationship. But then again, maybe he isn't...

See. I'm obsessing again. I am definitely feeling like a girl.

And I don't like it. Because if he is not interested/available, I will feel disappointment, and I don't like feeling that emotion. It sucks, and I have had a ton if it in the past with regard to male counterparts, and I hate it and am a little terrified of it and overly sensitive to "rejection". BAH!!! lol :-)

Blah.

2010-02-14T11:08:00.000-05:00

I haven't written because I have felt like ass (psychologically speaking).

Beyond the usual people-being-morons, I have this whole semi-depressed self-hate angry-aggression thing going on. It really sucks butt to feel this way. I hate my body so much. And what I thoroughly don't understand is how I can have so much hatred for it, yet be the "hottest" girl in the retail store in which I work.

What? Surprised I work "retail"?? Well don't be, because technically I don't ;o)
It's a funny situation where I know more about running the store, especially from the admin/operations point of view (I don't give a shit about the actual "selling" of anything), than anyone else there. Sometimes more than other people combined. I was in management way back when, before I went back to school. At any rate, the fact I'm not a retard and smarter than the folks there, I have more lee-way. I have a desk in the back, tucked away, customers rarely see me, employees usually don't come by to visit (unless they know I am there and have a reason (either they need something or they are the friendly sort that wants to chat). I decide what schedule I work (although I do have to post it in advance), and I decide what tasks I do and when I do them (there is a general idea set out for me, keep admin-ish stuffs kosher and audit-passable). It's a lovely set-up, and I am very thankful. With my loopy-ass brain, anything else would be pretty rough on me. I never forget how appreciative I am! Even when employees are incredibly moronic... and I have to clean up after them, at the end of the day, I'm a lucky bitch.

Back to where I was going. I am disgusting. And yet I have been selected as the "secret weapon" to go around and try to get people to buy those green shamrock hearts for whatever good cause they are for. Apparently my buddy (one of the managers) thinks the contracting and businessmen types will dig me, I'll sell a lot, and then we can reach our goal (he isn't doing this in a creepy or demeaning way, because if it was, I would bitch slap his ass). I thought it was pretty funny. I didn't bother mentioning to him that I am hideous and he is a retard for thinking otherwise, so I just rolled with it. It's good for me to get out in "public" since usually I'm in class, at my hidden desk at work, or at home. Bah. It's whatever.

I'm mildly amused by the whole thing :-)

And I still feel like poop.

Ouch.

2010-02-10T20:00:00.000-05:00

Definitely need to see the dentist for my tooth that is about to fall out of my jaw. I have been putting this appt off for a while now, because I have been too damn stressed to bother with it. I've made and canceled the appt three times already. But I will actually take my happy ass down there on Monday because now the pain is unbearable. SUPER. I only did it to myself though, so I can't complain.

I'm tired too. Maybe because of the percocet earlier. And because I ate tomato soup and now feel like barfing. I have for a couple of hours. It's nasty. And my tummy hurts, why? Oh just because I am a jackass who has broken her own intestines so that they no longer function without the aid of poop-pills. I'm a winner.

And I'm gaining weight. Because either 1) the digestive issue or 2) the fact I haven't been exercising or 3) I haven't been eaten the greatest or 4) all of the above. I'm going with "4".

I feel like crap.

Plagiarism by AlaskaPsychiatryJournal.net

2010-02-07T08:57:00.006-05:00

I received an email this morning (from Etta) notifying me that Alaskapsychiatryjournal.net is reprinting my text without proper attribution of my work as clearly stated in my Creative Commons license.

Anna Adrift by Anna Hertel is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

I urge fellow mental health blog writers to check their site to see if they are publishing your information as well without proper attribution.

This is a copy of the "ticket" I sent to their webhosting service (as there isn't a "contact us" feature on their site), along with a screen shot of the Alaska website depicting their incredible lack of understanding the written word and what it means to properly attribute text...

Subject: Plagiarism by your client, AlaskaPsychiatryJournal.net

I am reporting plagiarism by your client, AlaskaPsychiatryJournal.net .

I am the author of a blog with mental health journals as well as psychiatric and neuroscience research published posts. I currently have a Creative Commons license (Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License). The terms for redistribution of my work are clearly stated, specifying:

" Attribution — You must attribute this work to Anna Hertel (with this link) Anna Hertel / CC BY-NC-ND 3.0 "

AlaskaPsychiatryJournal.net is *not* following this procedure. They have a link to my blog, however credit for the post is given to "admin", and the above link to the license terms is not inserted on their post either.

This reflects poorly on your company as you choose to serve clients who simply cannot follow the law. I am not the first blog owner they have done this with; I did not know about it until another blog writer send me a message detailing the situation.

I expect to hear a prompt response.

Thank you.

Ann Hertel

I urge you to please check the site for copies of your own work that may be published without proper attribution or right. If you find such, a complaint can be made to their web hosting service, http://www.ixwebhosting.com/index.php/v2/pages.customerCenter , or by clicking here , and then selecting the "Create a Ticket" link on the lower right corner. I hope if enough complaints are filed, they will force this website to follow the terms of our licenses.

Damn, I am kinda pissed about this whole thing. It's not right. Granted, not nearly the end of the world, but "not right" nonetheless. And I get all riled up when people and groups do not follow the freaking law.

Grrrr.

Update: Here is the contact information for the owner of the blog:

Registrant:
 Alaska Psychiatry Journal LLC
 411 Lake Ave W
 Union, ME 04862
 US

 Domain name: ALASKAPSYCHIATRYJOURNAL.NET


 Administrative Contact:
    Tyler, Abigail  abigailtyler@alaskapsychiatryjournal.net
    411 Lake Ave W
    Union, ME 04862
    US
    +1.2073326107
 Technical Contact:
    Tyler, Abigail  abigailtyler@alaskapsychiatryjournal.net
    411 Lake Ave W
    Union, ME 04862
    US
    +1.2073326107

Falling

2010-02-04T14:13:00.001-05:00

I tried to find a couple places before actually leaving. People were in all of them. Now I'm leaving. I really did try to stay.

I haven't been this messed up in a while.
Not to this extent of decreased ability to properly go about my day. I do not know what has changed, my meds have been extremely stable. Everything has been and yet I'm back in this place, where it's dark and cold, and there is a howling storm outside trying to obliterate me.

I was so happy early this morning. And my makeup looked nice. Now I'm in my truck and crying. I don't want to do anything. At all. I want to go away and vanish. Dammit I haven't felt this shitty in SO FUCKING LONG. WTF?!?!??????! My brain can't hold a single semi-complicated thought.

I was trying to describe what parts of my brain aren't working right now, and then I thought this:

"So when I get really stressed and flipped, my memory stops working. My heart and nerves feel like they do when you are in a fight or flight mode, so my SAM system is clearly activated, thus prompting my HPA axis to bust out some cortisiol... And recalling my last research paper, HPA axis are dysfunctional in BD studies, if true for me, then the cortisol from the HPA isn't properly acting on my hippocampus to provide negative feedback to chill out the HPA, and the hippocampus is the main relay station to take short term memories and turn them into long ones... And if while I am stressed, my hippocampi aren't responding to the cortisol properly, so then I ask what else the hippocampi are doing in a dysfunctional way so that I am having decreased ability to put my thoughts into long term storage where I can retrieve them 5 minutes later, or as I am trying to juggle several overlapping thoughtscat once."

Well now I'm done crying bc I thought of thus and am now obsessing over this idea and wanting to see what research has been done between hippocampal function, memory, and the HPA axis, cortisol and stress.

Hmm

- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone

And then

2010-02-04T13:36:00.001-05:00

I was about to cry, and now I'm sitting in some steps by the psych building and smoking. Before the prev post I was cursing loudly when I dropped stuff, repeatedly slamming bathroom doors, and generally slamming shit in my desk, muttering curse words and I swear to fucking hell I'm going to fucking explode.

I'm trying to stay on campus. I really am. I really am. But I don't know where to go or what to do and I don't want to be around anyfuckingone. I don't want to work tomorrow and I don't want to see a fucking face.

The awesome thing is I tried to send a poet this morning and it didn't go through but it said shit to the effect that I was feeling all pumped and motivated and ready to rock school today and kick ass getting shit done. Now here I am right where I fucking was last night.

I can't identify when the shift took place. Sometime between 11am and 1pm as I was in the library doing school shit on my laptop. All was well until the Internet started to run slow and fuck up. Then I couldn't synch documents to my phone.i could think of and retain any idea or concept I needed to so I could write an email to a prof at TAMU. Then shit wouldn't upload to an email on my laptop, and the people across the way were fucking idiots and I heard them, and sometime between all of that and my walking downstairs to the bathroom my mind got all fucked and twisted into this stupid ass mess and hellllloooo flipping out. I don't know what the fuck I am going to do now. We have a review for the pharm exam at 4:00 and the exam is next Tues but I hate that class, the professor, the gay ass text for the class (which is a pathetic attempt to describe phamacology; it's so bad and juvinile that I learn better if I read a more advanced text bc that text dumbs things down and takes the slow boat to explaining anything that I end up not knowing what the fuck I was supposed to fucking learn), and I hate being in that room.

Fuck it all. I'm going home.

- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone

Lovely time to flip out

2010-02-04T13:16:00.001-05:00

Super dandy. Here I go again, and at the most Inconveinent time. On campus. It's 1:09 PM, and I have class at 4:00 PM. Yet I don't think there is anY way I can go. Or I mean to stay here until then. It's he thing with the social fear and anxiety and paranoia and aggression. Ya know, here's me wanting to literally attack then next person that fucking looks at me. That's super helpful. I'm on campus and there isn't a safe place anywhere where I can go and not feel stared at or like an ugly abomination of sorts. I can't decide what the fuck to focu on and my min is like a sive. Yet there isn't anything stopping my brain from running aroud at 96 miles per hour. Those two are a badcombo. I wish I could convey how I am feeling into fucking words so that others can understand. I feel like rippin my face of, scratching my own fucking eyes out, an then attacking anyone who looks at me funny and then kill them.

I can't fucking type anymore bc I can't fucking stand where I am anymore and I'm about to throw my fucking phone and stomp it intotge ground bc it takes too long to type on this bitch.

- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone

Interview - Thumbs Down

2010-02-03T18:49:00.000-05:00

Well the interview...
It was quick and simple.

The main idea is that her research is going in the direction of primarily working with animal models of stuff, *not* people brains. No EEG, no fMRI, no MRS, no autonomic psychophysiology lab... which means no hunting down levels of NAA in anybody's brain, or mess around with any creatures MR and GR in the hippocampi, or any of the methods that I would like to use in my research and future dissertations.

Obviously, she was not enthused that I was not enthused, and suggested I contact some other persons to see if they want to talk to me or whatever.

After talking with her, her lab doesn't interest me, so.... now fucking what.

TAMU has another neuro dept through the college of medicine where neurosurgeons (cocky ass-bags) work with the neuroscientists; we can play with all of the big fun toys and human subjects with psych d/o or TBI.

I am going to email the woman I spoke with last year in that Neuroscience Institute thingie.

PS I still feel like shit, this means more Ativan. I also still hate everything. It's the type of feeling where I just want to sleep forever. Fuck it all and sleeeeeep sleeeeeep sleeeeeeeep. Except last night, after reading those old letter and mentally revisiting the shit that exhub put me through, we my brain decided last night would be a lovely time to dream about him. That was stupid.

At any rate. I'm incredibly pissy, angry, explosive, and hating. So I am done typing tonight.

Peace to all.

Fraud

2010-02-03T16:38:00.000-05:00

I'm all ready for my interview with Texas A&M in less than 2 hours. It's over the web using Skype for a video call. My hair is neat, my makeup is light with good foundation coverage, I have the nice sweater on with a necklace, and I properly prepped the part of my room that will be on screen. So I look all lovely and put together, and this woman is going to see me and talk to me and I am going to be composed, well spoken, and (hopefully) sounding like an educated and enthusiastic potential doctoral student.

I'm feeling like such a fraud.

My insides are screaming, I want to scream, I have so much anger and rage and am feeling so fucking depressed that all I really want to do right now is cry. I have gotten to that damn point where I quit caring, hell I haven't even done shit with school today, because I don't freaking care. I don't want to. I don't want to mess with this graduate school shit anymore. I want to indulge in Ativan and take a nap, all the while telling the rest of the world to piss off. I'm angry, I screamed and yelled earlier, I had that rage monster inside of me again. It wasn't cute. And after I stood in front of my closet for a few minutes trying to not move and not even think, that's when I realized I am a fraud. I just want to cry. I feel like such a mess, such a fucking mess on the inside, in my head, I've messed my gut up from abusing laxatives, I love vicodin, I can't be around people, I don't do well in public settings, hell I don't even do well in social relationships because I am a paranoid little fucker and as soon as I start feeling rejected or suspect someone is making fun of me then I pull away and freak out and then build even more walls around me and for each wall I actually do take down, I end up doing/saying something stupid, making an ass out of myself and then put up two more walls to replace the one that I took down because it isn't cute to make an ass out of myself in public, I mean who really wants to do that? I feel like shit. I'm half out of my fucking mind and I hate feeling like this. Damn it all to hell I am so tired of this shit. Why don't I just walk around with a fucking freak sign that says stay the hell away from me. I hate everything. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to be around anyone. I want to stay in bed, sleep, online shop for shit that I want to buy, and research whatever the fuck I want to research on the PubMed database about brains.

I can't hold on to a thought to save my life right now. Fuck it. Ativan now, and then I will be calm and blahdeeblah when she sees me on video.

I forgot...

2010-02-02T22:15:00.000-05:00

...what I sat down here to write. I totally forgot.
Actually, I think it may be more of an issue where I have so much shit that I have been meaning to write over the past few days that I cannot pick one out of my head right now.

Let's try.

1. I definitely bitched-out at the doctor office last week and didn't say jack about my guts, the eating issues, or the fact it takes poop-pills for me to drop a deuce. It was a nurse practitioner and I just was not feeling the whole situation.

2. I have an interview tomorrow with a lady from Texas A&M Neuroscience PhD program. Holy balls. We are using this Skype thing, video chat from what I gather. I'm actually waiting for the damn thing to set up my account right now.

3. I really don't like anyone. I swear to whatever higher being there is, they are all idiots. Basically this dude, I messed around with him (we've been friends for a while) and whatnot, he gets back together with this chick he was engaged to even though he's not too fond of her, and writes all over her facebook wall and crap how he loves her. This whole thing is hard to explain, what I am getting at is that while he is with her he is still interested in hooking up with me a whatever, and then tells her he loves her, and seriously... I don't get people. This isn't the first time this kind of thing has happened where dudes that are definitely in relationships want to do the nasty. There's this guy at work, engaged, and totally willing to do nice things to my girl parts with his mouth and whatnot. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?!?!?! There are many more, but I don't frankly feel like delving into that crap. At any rate, people suck, and how the frik can I allow myself to trust someone else when these chicks totally trust their dudes yet they are wanting to rail me on the side??? I continue to lose my faith in the general population. It's pathetic.

4. I came across old letters and emails my mom had saved and somehow these things ended up in my files cabinet, so when I was cleaning my file cabinet out I found them. Well I am a moron so I flipped through them. Long story short, I read the last thing my jerkoff father wrote me, the last email my exhusband wrote me before I filed for divorce (he was stationed with the USMC and not local; I left him due to the fact he was a self-ish jackass (not unlike my father) who wasn't quite capable of loving anyone but himself and didn't quite get the concept of monogamy. At any rate, the two letters were SO FREAKING SIMILAR with regard to the context, the phrasing, and especially how they twisted things around so they were the victim and it was my fault. It was eerie to see such a striking similarity between the two. Then I came across an email I sent my mom when I was packing to move from the state I lived in with my boyfriend at the time (only other dude I've loved aside from the exhubs) back to the home state and I was a mess about it because I didn't want to leave him, but I couldn't stay there and I decided I wanted change and my "gut" told me I needed to move back home, blah blah blah) and when I wrote this I was so sad about leaving him and it really sucked ass and so being mentally transported back to the room I was sitting in when I wrote that sucked ass. I only got through two lines and then folded it up. So that's not helping my mood.

5. I'm super behind in my school work. I should be doing that instead of typing and whining like a baby. Basically, I don't like me right now. And I am disgusted by my body. And I am not too super feeling in general. Wah wah wah wah wah. Woe is me. I really need to stop bitching about shit.

Images...

2010-01-31T20:43:00.003-05:00

Hello world. This is me. I am a nutter-butter and I wave my crazy flag with pride! So piss of it you don't like it.

I chose representations that show the more positive side of me, not the ugly crap that folks on here get to know. I think it might be interesting to compare what I write with the smiling fave others know. I find it to be an interesting thing, "polar" opposites. I'm hilarious.
So, without further ado, this is the "me" that most people see (hell I'm a poet and didn't know it!).
(of course I will include one of my pups, they are so important to me! Seriously, animal therapy people, this shit works)

First up, flashing the peace sign (most recent, Thanksgiving '09):

Second, my pups (Booh and Maddie):

Third, my favorite activity, riding!:

Fourth, me rockin' out at school and figuring out this webcam business:

And last, me at a costume party (nope, I'm not in the services!):

Exposure Therapy

2010-01-31T20:19:00.000-05:00

In an effort to get over my fears of people seeing me and whatnot... I have decided to make myself post images of... me.

Terrified? Yes. Afraid people will find me on here. And that they are out to get me, will mock me, make fun of me, use this against me, spread rumors, etc.

Well... if anyone that I really do know reads this... FUCK YOU. Chances are, I think you're an idiot, and my silly thoughts aside, you don't matter to me. So suck it.

Alright. Let's get to this....

Paranoid Much?

2010-01-31T10:25:00.001-05:00

Part of me knows I might be a little off in my interpretations... But that doesn't stop me feeling this way, and the part of me that does feel this way convinces the part of me that thinks I may be off in my feelings that it's wrong.

To get to the point... Well I'm fairly certain that everyone at work has I'll feelings toward me. Even the people that are nice and chatty with me, well as soon as I turn my back they talk about me and make fun if me and find it hilarious that I think they actually like me based on the fact we chat and whatnot. I can see it in there faces when they talk to me, their eyes make fun of me. I'm a joke to everyone. Not surprising since I'm nutty and act nutty half the time when I get all weird and chatty or hyperaggressive or something stupid. And when I get super wound up and chatty I'm sure I annoy them but when I get all hyper and chatty it's really hard for me to stop myself so I keep going and make a fool out of myself and by annoying them they have more reason to mock me behind my back.

I have a semi-secluded desk in the back of the store and I am mostly left to my own devices. Which is nice. The bathroom and water fountain are at the front of the store though.... So frequently I have to walk up front. I get so damn freaked when customers talk to me or look at me, so I take off my identification and walk up front as a normal nonemployee. I hate walking in public. Those bastard customers are mocking me, the other employees make fun of me, and the male customers are violating me with their eyes and I hate it and when I get to the bathroom I usually sit in the stall a while because I don't want to have to walk back to my desk. I hate this shit. I hate people hating me and making fun of me. I want to go home. Right now. Even the managers don't like me. I know it. Why can't I be s cooler prdon that people like? Dammit all to hell.

- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone

Crap. Literally.

2010-01-27T21:15:00.001-05:00

I think I've mentioned the thing with laxatives before. This is all kinda "gross" and perhaps more than anyone really needs to know... but then again it's the truth so whatever...

At any rate, this laxative thing is a problem I think. I am EXTREMELY constipated and feel nasty and bloated. The only way I can go #2 is if I take a laxative. Well it was only one laxative needed. Now only one pill won't produce anything other than a small bit that doesn't even go out easily. If you know anything about poo, the shape of this is how it looks when someone is dehydrated/constipated fairly well. In order to get anything worth my while out I have to take 2 pills, and what I excrete is not even remotely "loose".

Now my stomach is extended and I feel bloated and gross. My gut feels "full" and hurts sometimes. I have a feeling I should fix this somehow. I Googled "laxative abuse symptoms" and well folks, it looks like I may be in that category. I also found out that laxative abuse crap is an "eating disorder". Lovely. And that page led me to another which had something to the extent of binge eating. My weird issues with food, well I never talk about them to anyone, even on here, but dammit all to hell if I'm not a dead ringer for that as well. I do the binging in private and eat food until I'm sick, feel ashamed, don't tell anyone, feel horrid and repressed afterward andvthen try to throw up, but my gag reflex is broken.

I have a health doctor appointment tomorrow at the campus clinic to get a new Rx for the pill. While I'm there, I'm going to share with the doc person what is up with my gut and my eating habits. Hopefully doc can help with a solution. Or something. I don't know. What I do know is that I feel disgusting and have put the activities with my "special friend" on hold because I'm so self-loathing my body that I don't want to be naked around anyone. I'm avoiding taking a shower because I don't even want to be around myself. This really sucks ass.

- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone

My beloved concentration, where art thou?

2010-01-26T20:32:00.000-05:00

I have wasted my entire day not doing a bit of homework. I start to try, and then I stop and say I'll do it again in a few minutes and at the end of the day... hell I don't have any idea what on earth I did with my time. I'm completely frustrated with myself. Yet as I am sitting here cursing myself inside of my head, I am still NOT studying. I don't understand me sometimes. I seriously don't. It's like my body is depressed and doesn't have interest or whatever in jack-crap, but my mind still is being responsible.

Wait, no, it feels like that emotional part of myself is depressed, while the rational part of myself is normal and wanting to take care of responsibilities.

It's very frustrating. And the conflict within myself is not helping my mood all that much. While I would not call myself depressed, I am certainly not happy. I'm not too sure what's up. It would be easier to gauge if I would feel the same way for more than an hour or so. I get really sad, then I get hopeful and motivated, then I want to cry and feel lonely, then I'm having a fun time and glad I have my dogs over people... etc.

Well I'm tired now, and done typing this post. I have already lost interested in it.

Careful Analysis

2010-01-23T10:53:00.000-05:00

Alright, so I had this thought the other day and then it kept building and I kept watching myself and making a list of things that I do and/or think that are clearly screwed up but that I haven't been able to curb for some reason and it is only getting more intense of these things... so here is my list, and it is admittedly rather embarrassing and whatnot, but I am going to write it all out there for the hell out of and for the sake of being honest, I am going to compile a little list here real quick like...

1. Lately I have been having the eating compulsions where for example, I don't eat because I am afraid of getting fat, and then in the afternoon I decide to have a bowl of cereal, Honey Bunches of Oats, and so I have a bowl, and then another, and another, until I have nearly eaten the whole box and cannot fit another morsel down my throat. And the reason I do this, well I don't totally understand it, but it's like when I go shopping and buy multiples of the same thing, I am paranoid that I will run out, or not get enough, so then I eat eat eat the damn cereal. That and I love the texture of it in my mouth. So I keep eating.

2. In line with #1, is my obsessions I have. Currently with Sharpie markers and post it notes and taking notes for school from my text books and them having to be perfectly orderly and neat and if I scratch one thing out then I have to go back and either perfectly white-out the space (but since Sharpie markers, expecially the super fine point ones I use, don't go well over white-out then I have to make sure there isn't a funny gap in the notes because of the white-out) or re-write the whole note sheet if it looks too stupid. And I use a plethera of different colors Sharpie fine point markers becuase if something is written in all black or all any one color then I can't read it or discriminate between different sections, ideas or thoughts because it is all the same when I look at it, which is why I have been doing EVERYTHING, including my stuff at work, in a freakin rainbow of shit so that I can somewhat pay the frik attention to what I am trying to do. So that's one example... there are more, like my nail polish obsession, or the thing I have with certain things needing to be a certain way, or the need to buy everything in multiples, or the weird ass other things... but this is an overview, not a detailed list so I won't go into that.

3. Let's talk trich. the center back part of my head, know the spot that goes bald on dudes first, well mine is missing a lot of hair. Half the hair that is there is short about 3-4 inches long, because it is shit that has recently grown in as a result of this area being my long term favorite place to pluck. Well that, and along my center part and around the borderline of hair around my face. when running my hands through my hair I can distinctly tell when I get to my favorite "zone" because the shit is thinner there. Thankfully I have a head full of hair, so it isn't too totally obvious that I do it and I keep the existing hair back there teased in such a way to ensure that the underlying deficit is not noticed because that is just straight up embarrassing. My eyelashes used to be full and long, not they are short and sparse because I pick at those fuckers too.

I've mentioned that trich before. Now here is the new one that I refuse to tell anyone about because it is embarrassing and stupid and well, stupid. I get ingrown hairs in the bikini region. And when this happens, I go on a full scale war with a needle and tweezers to pull those bastards out. I usually end of making more of a mess of my skin by the attack on the hairs than the ingrown hairs actually caused in the first place. Okay... I know I make more of a mess. And if I think there is an ingrown hair, well Mr. Needle and I go on an exploration of things, and I poke that guy into my skin and fish around trying to hook and catch the hair. Many times I am right, and I find the rebel hair (I get excited when it's a real long one that was trying to hide from me) and pluck it out. Other times I keep fishing with the needle and tweezers and never find a hair. Then I've made a mess of my skin, and for nothing because I did not find that damn hair I swear is there so then I continue this exploration the next day until I find A hair, regardless of if it is the first one I started with or not. This is retarded. I know. And I'm noticing little scars forming from when I have had my "explorations" and so I have bought some of that Mederma scar lotion crap. Because while I am STD free, the scars look like... old sores or something from being infected with something nasty. Which hasn't happened, so then I feel gross for no reason. Then there is also the picking of scabs, any scab, on my body. I LOVE picking those bastards off. They are evil, and need to be removed.

4. Well since we are on the nasty things, let's move on the the laxitive abuse issue I have. It started a while ago, when I had the runs for a bit, and then when things firmed up I felt too "full" and bloated and didn't like that so then I would take the "poop pills" (PP) to empty things out and while I have cut back a lot on the taking of the PP I still do, every other day or so, and so I looked into this online and apparently excessive use of this shit will render your system depdent on them for proper excretion and that's pretty much where my gut is now and so I try to stop taking them all together and let my system reboot itself but after a day or so of not pooping I feel it all inside of me sitting there and taking up space and I try to ignore it and lets things reset themselves but within 48 hours I'm throwing down another PP to get this shit out of me (literally shit, hahahaha). I can't stand the feeling, it freaks me out, I get scared it's making me fatter, and I have to eliminate it. I carry PP in my purse just in case I need one while I am out because the feeling gets to be too much, and just like with the 9 packs of Listerine strips I have in my purse and backpack, I am terrified I am going to run out of them, so I have several of those blister packs in my bathroom, purse, backpack, etc. When I see them all in my bathroom drawer it gives me such a lovely and peaceful feeling knowing that I won't run out and I get so happy seeing them all there.

5. One last nasty thing that I never tell people... I have issues caring for myself, as in showering and brushing my teeth. Don't do it nearly as often as I should, because it is too much, and so I sit and online shop instead. I'm a nasty idiot. During the weekends (if I don't have school or work, like this weekend, I took off from work) I will remain in the same flannel bottoms and sweatshirt all weekend, Fri-Monday morning, without showering, changing, nothing. My teeth get actually brushed maybe three times a week (although this week I have been better about it) and then several other times I will quickly run the brush over them without toothpaste and only briefly (20 seconds or less) just enough to get the visible shit off. I am nasty. I hate admitting it. I know it's gross. Yet taking my clothes off and getting into the shower... bleh. Too much, don't have the patience for it. Don't have the _______________ for it.

6. There is also the drugs, the prescribed ones (not the illegal kind) to get me up and going when the Lamictal has me down, or the ativan to chill me out, or the this or the that or my favorite, the vicodin/percocet group. YUMMY. So I take uppers in the morning to get my ass going, or I may skip that, and then some nights I take the downers (ativan) to sleep, and during the day I may have some hydrocodone for funsies to chill things out and give me the utterly relaxing feelings of euphoria, etc. I realize I abuse drugs, although am not addicted. Thankfully. But I do recognize that my off label use, especially of the vicodin and friends, is not a good thing. And yet I don't stop. In fact with my vicodin running shockingly low, I find myself a bit panicked about where/how to get more. What if I am freaking out and need it and then I don't have any more??? I will have to take ativan but that makes me too sleepy and the V only makes me stoned and happy and the A makes me brain stop working and I become incredibly dumb, but then...
...you get the idea.

7. I have been having this totally cool euphoria thing going on too, where out of the blue I will feel like I am high/stoned on the vicodins, I have the EXACT same feeling in my head of the giddy happiness and what not, and it is so similar to the actual feeling of taking the drugs that I sit there and think back throughout the day trying to remember if I did take the pills or not... and then when I realize I didn't, it's so weird... I have the exact same high, but without taking anything. Pretty neat, but I don't think totally a normal thing...

8. A really annoying part to all of this is when I am in social situations and my mouth starts flying about a mile a minute and shit comes out that is hella dumb and pointless to say. I get so angry with myself for not just shutting up. In class this semester I find myself cracking jokes way too much and not being able to shut my trap. During lab meetings, man it is hard to keep silent. The prof says something, I can think of something funny, I say it, half the time I am too fast in my speech for the person to understand, the other half it must actually be funny because other people laugh. Or I'm so stupid they feel bad for me... who knows. At work I have the same affliction, walking around talking and being stupid. I say dumb things, I excite and get loud too easily, and I generally just straight up talk too much and the smart part of me sees this and tries to shut myself up but it doesn't work and then I just get pissed at myself for being such a social moron.

Well I'm done typing out the things I hate and/or am embarrassed about. So this list is done for now.

Still Nutty

2010-01-23T08:57:00.000-05:00

I admit, part of me, you know, that part that doesn't like to hear the word "bipolar" out loud in reference to myself because I am still somewhat in denial... well that part had this thought that with mom being super and supportive that all of my issues would melt away and this "bipolar" shit would somehow go away if there wasn't anyone "poking" at the green eyed monster while at home.

As it turns out though, I *am* still nutty.

I'm sitting here and trying so hard to type, but I cannot decide what emotion or thing that I have felt in this very new day, and when I start thinking about typing it out I get so flustered because I don't want to take the time to sit and blah blah blah about one thing for that long (which I would have to do to get in all of the details about what happened so that it makes sense and all) so then I don't type it but then I am sitting here and thinking about wanting to express it but then I don't express it because I cannot decide to do something to write or whatever.

I sit here and have all of these things zipping in my head and body and chest and feeling so much and then I switch my mind over to some other thought of something else I have to do (for example, "I need to start catching up on my reading for my classes") and then that sparks a cascade of something that sucks really big time inside of me which essentially leads to a panic sensation because I cannot do all of the things or express everything in my body because somehow I force myself to sit here and remain still which is terribly hard given that I can literally feel my chest insides vibrating with something, energy, or spazz energy, hell if I know but then it spreads to my brain and then my thoughts are filled with this damn feeling that again, totally sucks ass, and so I breathe deep and remain silent and my door is closed and I am trying like hell for it to pass but it is remaining here and well hell, fine then, I will force myself to type the things that I am feeling (although really I have done a lot already) and the small events that have led to my sitting in my chair at my desk with my hoodie pulled over my head and what I am sure is a terribly sour expression on my face.

I will type, because it may be therapeutic and we all know how cartharsis is good and what not, so here it goes, plus maybe forcing myself to overcome my insides will be a good thing, and again in my mind, if I do that, then it will all somehow go away...

My bed, okay, I was at Target yesterday (I have such a hard time going into a store and then once I am there, holy hell I've been a spending little shit head and pretty much enter this really weird state of mind and disconnect...) well at any rate, I was at Target and bought this fake-down mattress pad thing which looked to be super comfy. I brought it home, and eventually at like 1am finally got around to making myself put the damn thing on my mattress. What was I doing all night? Oh, well it wasn't homework or studying of any kind. After getting home from working in the lab, I promptly sat my ass down with my laptop (in various places, like in bed, at my desk, etc) and wasted the entire evening online shopping. For what? Running shoes (check), yoga pants to workout in since my current ones are old and nasty (check), and messenger shoulder bag thing to replace my backpack because my backpack stresses me out because it has two straps that pull back on me and is a pain to get on over my jacket and also when I need anything out of it then I have to take the mother frikker off, put it down, rummage around in the thing, and then put the bastard back on and struggle to get it over my sweatshirt or Carhartt jacket. Pain in the ass, so I decided to get a shoulder bag, a messenger bag, a satchel, whatever the hell you want to call it, and it has a compartment with padding for my stupid ass HP laptop (soon to be replaced with a Mac), well so I got that (check), and I was looking for lotions (check) and then a bed spread coverlet thingie and that I did not find and I looked pretty much forever for something suitable but no luck there and the whole messenger bag search took pretty much forever and then the whole "shit now I actually have to decide and pick one" thing came into play and it was pretty stupid to spend the whole FREAKIN evening online shopping when my school assignments and reading aren't exactly taking care of themselves.

Where I was originally going with the Target purchase is that now it is in my bed and I am not sure if I like it or not but the whole "taking it off" and putting it back in the bag to exchange it thing is WAY TOO MUCH and thinking about doing that causes me to flip the fuck out inside so I remain sitting in my chair writing this. It's a freakin mattress pad, why the issue with removing it? Why is this stupid ass task flipping me out? Hell, why is any task this morning some big "thing" that my mind freaks out over??? Seriously. This is stupid. I don't even want to get up and go into the kitchen for something to drink. I may have to talk to someone, and like earlier, I couldn't slow myself down enough to explain the mattress cover dilemma to my mom, I thought it in my head but when I tried to speak it and make myself talk coherently, well it was a freak out type of deal and so I didn't tell her. I hope my school bag gets here soon because I just looked at my backpack and the thought of putting that stupid ass thing on ever again causes the same sort of wigging out in my brain.

SERIOUSLY?!?!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME, AND WHY CAN I NOT DO SIMPLE ASS FUCKING TASKS WITHOUT FEELING AS THOUGH MY MIND AND BODY ARE GOING TO SHOOT IN A THOUSAND DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS?!?!?!?!?

This is so pathetic. The thought of doing anything, anything at all, does the same flying into a million bits thing to me, and so I sit here in my chair, making myself at least type because that is productive, but then I have to stop every few minutes because the typing leads to the exploding feeling and so I sit and stare at the wall and let my mind do its thing and run around like a crazed banshee and then I return to the typing.

My phone is sitting three inches away from my arm and I still have not, for the past 38 minutes, called the repair shop to find out if they are open on a Saturday. I need to. But like going to pick up my truck, and the hassel of getting dressed and looking halfway human, it is all too much and results in the same freaked out feeling.

And now for some reason I am tired. All I want to do is sleep, and sometimes I think this is a defense mechanism that my mind pulls on me, when being awake is too nutty, then it says, "fine, let's sleep this away and wake up feeling better because being awake sucks ass right now". I have so much homework to do, I need to get on that, and just freaking do it. But it takes so long to read because once I have read it the damned information slips right away again and I have to start that section over, usually to get the info to remotely stick in my brain I have to write the stuff down on a notepad, and put it in a spatial relationship organized kind of way to be able to retain it. Just words form the book pages isn't enough, I have to write it, and then like I said show some sort of relationship between the ideas and organize it in an OCD spatial way that makes sense to my brain so I can at least remember it for 5 minutes.

I'm tired. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted. I can't sit my mind still.

And now I will write a whole other post about something in the back of my mind.

Momma--> 180

2010-01-22T10:00:00.000-05:00

I came home from school early yesterday andfound my mom in my room, reorganizing and cleaning big time. She added storage and a second dresser in my closet along with doing my laundry and reorganizing my clothes. It was so surprising and my room is a thousand times more efficient. Everything she was doing, including the hamper for me to put my dirty clothes so she could wash them while I'm at school or work, everything was designed to help reduce my daily stress after I've been at school or work all day. Her energy was different to, much calmer, and just had a more understanding feel to it.

She took time to lay on my bed with me and talk a little but mostly just relax in company. It is a complete180 from the day, weeks, months before. Her energy was totally different. I'm so completely surprised!

Having a different energy from her was so helpful with regard to my state of mind. I felt calmer and when I expressed limitations as to what I could do. Such as not being able to go "out" twice in one day, once I'm home from work or school I don't leave the house. Instead of criticizing me for watching a couple reruns of House that I've seen 5+ times (this is a compulsion of mine) she sat and watched with me.

There were so many little differences that mean so much to me, I cannot begin to list them all.

It was really really great.

She just called my phone and I was stressed and afraid to answer because it was either going to be a bitchfest about something I did wrong or a request for me to run some sort of an errand for her. I almost didn't pick up, but I felt guilty ignoring her, so I answered. I was so surprised when her only quuestion was if I wanted her to rearrange the furniture in my room, because she had an idea that would give me more space. I was SOO shocked! In a good way.

Her change in attitude and everything is great. I am so happy about this, it gives me a really good feeling, and I hope like hell that it lasts!!!!! :o)

- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone

Slightly euphoric...?

2010-01-21T13:43:00.001-05:00

So right now I am IN LOVE w my iPhone. I love it. I have the warm n fuzzy feelings for it in my chest. I love the smooth screen, the functions, the apps I have, the connectivity, I mean all I want to do is sit and play with it, add apps, and customize the he'll out of it. Of course any of the productivity apps that require creating a free account or synching with my stupidass HP laptop don't interest me a bit because it's too slow.

I've had the thing for a few weeks so it's not like I'm in the honeymoon phase with my new technology.

I realize it's absurd to have such strong feelings for a phone, and I admit it's a little silly to stare at and admire the damn thing. Which is why I suspect this emotional reaction may be a teeny bit abnormal... thoughts??

- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone

I feel...

2010-01-21T12:00:00.000-05:00

...as though I may have sounded too hard on my mother in the last post. She does love me, and does to a lot for me, and over my childhood sacrificed a lot for my sister and I. But this area... the mental health thing, she's just so... not. I don't want to give the impression that my mother is a tyrant, she isn't, she's human and not perfect, just like the rest of us. But... like I said, in this area... ehhhh. I feel guilty for saying anything bad about her, I love her, she's my mother, and she loves me... but for all hell... meh.

I told my sister the cliff notes version of my last post and she asked me what my motivation is to keep moving forward and trying. The tone of her voice, the disbelief that I have the energy each day to push myself to achieve, it was a bi shocking. To me, this resilient aspect of myself is the norm, and I do not view my life or my challenges as an entity that has the power to keep me down. I told her it is something intrinsic, something innate within me that I cannot fully describe, that keeps propelling me forward.

When everything around me fades and people in my life let me down, I have a moment of sadness and despair. I reflect on my lack of interpersonal relationships and everything that has left me, especially as a result of being a bit of a nutter-butter. But this moment of such a lost feeling is transient...

And somehow, beyond my conscious knowledge, I pick myself up off of the floor and continue on the path I have set for myself. So what if things suck or something has gone wrong. So what if I realize my relationships aren't what I originally thought they were. What does it matter? It is all external to who I am. It does not determine who I am. Nobody outside of myself can say who exactly Anna is. They simply cannot. I determine this. My thoughts create my reality and I refuse to allow negative shit that happens to mess with my internal world. Yes, I will get down for a minute, hell maybe even a day or two, but I relatively quickly get over it.

I can get depressed and down, yes, but not in the hopeless kind of way where I give up. I don't know how to give up. I literally do not. I do not know how to describe my will to achieve, I don't know the words to label it, all I know is it is such a powerful feeling, a positive force within, and without it I would be lost. It is a feeling and a drive I wish I could share with everyone. It enables me to be manic as all get out, and yet keep myself seated at my desk, attempting to read my school texts. It may be slow going, and I may be frustrated as all get out and wanting to yell and scream and run around like a mad woman, but bless this part of my Self that can overcome these nutty tendencies and I can make forward progress with my school work. I am so thankful, each day, that I have this ability.

It is hard that nobody in my physical life understands the daily internal struggles I encounter. It would really help me if at least someone did, and there was someone I could talk to. Someone who understands. I am thankful for this blog, it enables me to come into contact with other persons that *do* understand the jibberish I feel. The understanding and support is truly a lifesaver. Comments from you all, sometimes they make me cry with such relief that *someone* gets it, and that I am not alone. Tears or not, reading comments and posts from my online blogger friends is a huge factor in helping me keep motivated and keep pushing forward. And I thank you all.

All a joke

2010-01-20T17:56:00.000-05:00

Well apparently, if you ask my mother, the relationship between stress and BD is a joke. Oh, and I also used BD as an excuse to flip out whenever I feel like it. Gee, thanks mom.

My truck has broken down in the parkinglot at work. Sister picks me up to get a can of gas, but that's not the problem, it's the lift pump. I call mom to find out if I am on the AAA before I call them. She doesn't know, says to call stepdad. I call step-dad, he doesn't know. I call mom back and she starts acting like she is an auto-tech expert (even though I'm the jackass that spent a year in auto-repair courses). She asks if I can just get a battery. I explain I am very freaking stressed, and am not the kind of idiot to tow my truck someplace if it needs a battery. For the love of god, I replaced the water pump behind my old work location on my previous truck when it went out, and days later replaced the radiator in my driveway. Yet in going to tow the truck for a battery R&R???? Fucking come on. Seriously.

At any rate the conversation continues to be retarded regarding the AAA coverage so I tell her that I'm going to hang up and call for a tow and just pay for it out of pocket because it's not worth the hassel of fucking with this. And this is true, I'd rather pay $$$ than continue to stress myself to the point where I'm going crazy-as-bat-shit in my fucking head. Mom then yells and curses at me saying I just need to hold the fuck imams something else, I shout back that her yelling at me is causing me more freakout and I'd rather pay $$ than be stresssed and I said she'd have a better understanding of this shit and how it affects me if she ever read my paper***, and then she said the thing about me using the BD as an excuse to act like an ass, and then I handed the phone to my sister and said I don't want to hang up on her but I also cannot talk to her anymore.

***referring to my research review regarding the psychoneuroendocrinology between BD patients and emotional stress.

So I pretty much cried for 30 minutes and am having a hard time trying anymore. With anything. What does it matter?? Seriously? I have put up with my own mother not being "proud of me" or encouraging or even recognizing the idea that maybe just maybe the idea of going to school fulltime and working fulltime and doing research lab work and acting like it's all whatever and no big deal. I've even put up with her joking to her friends that I'm 25 and still living at home. There was also J, the jackass I loved that couldn't be with me because he's isn't "strong enough" to handle the BD thing and can't give me what I want.

Okay. Fine. But for crying freaking out loud, when my mother doesn't even give any validity to what I'm experiencing, the struggles I work through, the sheet will power to get up some mornings, to go to school, to sit for hours on end while manic forcing myself to read neuroscience texts and learn crap so I can get a freaking Ph.D, any of it, all of it, the stuff I do outside of home is so much that when I actually get home I go straight into my sweats, sit down to study, and then go to sleep with maybe some reruns of House (episodes ive seen each *at least* 5 times because im obsessive and this is the only thing I watch on TV) on the DVR. No shower, no brushing my teeth, all of that is too much and I'm tapped out. So I sleep. Then do it again the next day. And I don't outwardly complain, never, ever, ever do I mention the BD shit except on this damn blog and she doesn't even both to read this because she doesn't have the time, hell she hasn't even had the time to read my research paper, part of which was a writing sample for my Vanderbilt application, so I shouldn't be surprised...

I can get by with out any close day-to-day friends, I am fine being alone, I'm fine not trusting anyone and I am fine with all of this, but I'm not fine with my mother not believing in me. That I am not fine with. Not at all.

I doubt myself half the time, and then I get a reminder that the crazy isn't all in my head when a doctor I emailed about dizzy issues I have asked if I was manic when I wrote her my three emails. Then I remember something is real and yet I feel like crap still and keep questioning myself and pushing myself...

At the end of the day, everybody I guess needs to have somebody. I don't have one of those. I am too stubborn and hell bent on not ever needing someone and being fully autonomous that I can't allow the idea that I too may need someone. Moments like now, crying, sad, scared, hopeless, burnt out and beat down, I almost wish there was someone the I could talk to, that would understand and support me, someone for me to lay my pathetic ass head down on their shoulder and cry and be held and feel safe. I wish there was someone. I've never felt this alone, as though my heart is breaking inside accompanied by physical chest pain, and I can't stop crying, silent tears, internal pain and sadness... Nothing has a point to it. Nothing. I don't want to go home. I don't care about school. Why fucking bother?!?! It's not like school is going to fix me; school won't save my mind or make things easier. So why? Why?? Nobody in my life gets me, nobody sure as fuck gets me, nobody understands and my family thinks BD is a joke, my friends (you know, those people I never see anymore because they are dicks) sure dint give a flying fuck, and it's all so pathetic and stupid. Look at me, what the fuck am I?! I'm a big fucking nothing. I'm an idiot. An incompetant moron that can't function normally. So what does ANY of it fucking matter?? It doesn't.

- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone

Dammit...manic.

2010-01-18T23:09:00.001-05:00

I started writing this earlier. When I was totally bouncing off the walls nuts. Still am but Ativan is prepping me for sleep.

I went to Walmart to get two items for my mom. I didn't want to because I know damn well I'm not straight in the head. While in Walmart I was freaked and panicked. I want to run away from the people and hurt them, and I was paranoid about people looking at me and making fun of me. Long story short I was spazzed and left paying $240 for random cosmetics, lotions, office crap, and stuff for my truck (e.g. the most expensive wiper replacement arms possible) and other shit too, I bought everything at the highest price point and many things multiple quantities (such as my 9 Listerine strip packs because I figure that I'll lose one and am freaked I won't gave any so I had to just get a bunch. I know needing 3 just in my purse for just in case, is stupid, yet I have not been able to change my feelings of obsession, compulsion, and straight up paranoia about my Listerine things, deodorant, scar lotion, no-slip-grip bobby pins, and a few other things that were just bought in an excessive quantity.

Ok whatever I'm bored with typing now.

- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone

"Phamacology for Nursing Care"

2010-01-17T00:38:00.000-05:00

This text for my pharmacology class is ridiculous. It's so stupid that I have an incredibly hard time making myself read it. The author is INCREDIBLY biased against the medical (MD) and scientific professions. The tone he uses is *absurd*. I'm caught between wanting to smack him, rip his face off, kick him in the balls for being a moron, write a letter to the publishers asking how they came to the conclusion to publish this piece of crap, or just roll on the floor laughing. I am not patient enough right now to write down samples from the book. But it is a disgrace to the publisher.

Not until Chapter 4 does the author notify the readers that "drugs are chemicals". No shit? Really?!?! All this time??? OMG.

Seriously. This is a 395 level course, designed for upper level biology undergraduates. Granted I'm not a bio major and I am in it, but it was because of my tutoring in neuro and biopsych that I was allowed in. At any rate, if you are seated in this class, and your dumbass did not know drugs are chemicals, then you need to just resign yourself to panhandling because you are too stupid to manage college.

The book is pathetic. Although the author did introduce me to a new psychiatric disorder I had not previously known... "chemaphobe - a student afraid of chemistry". Totally didn't know that before. Really glad I got that sorted out in my head...

How can this fool take himself seriously??? And the moronic publisher?!?!

I am sure I sound a bit "off" in my opinions of this text. I assure you I am not, I verified the lunacy with two professors, friends, and my college educated mother. Consensus: the book is terribly written and ought to be recycled into post-it notes. I may take pics of the text paragraphs that are especially absurd and post them on here, what with my new handy-dandy iPhone and all! lol :-)

And my tooth is hurting too much for me to finish these thoughts. Crappers.

Damn Dentist

2010-01-17T00:28:00.000-05:00

Mt freakin tooth has been killing me, tonight is no exception. The pain comes and goes, so when it's not here I find it easy to dismiss the need to see a dentist, yet when it is here... oh holy hell I want to scream and tear half of my face off.

As a matter of fact, I am frankly in just about unbearable pain at the moment and I am going to find me some lovely hydrocodone to help ease my discomfort so I may actually get some sleep tonight. Random sidebar, I've been sleeping less when I take lorazepam at night. Fancy that bit. Perhaps I have not been sleeping as solidly lately, which is why I am still tired... and the pills knock me into a good sleep so I am more refreshed in the AM?? Sounds good to me. One moment please while I find my little white pellets of happiness....

...

Okay, pellet has been put into my stomach. Lovely.

Tooth... still hurts like a bitch. I guess these things take more than 30 seconds to work?!?! ;-)

I'm a complete idiot really. I get so stressed and whatever, with everything (damn my HPA axis for sucking) and basic ass things, well I just can't get myself to do them. By the time I have done all of the "big" stuff during my day, I'm all out...and skimp on stupid yet important thing, like brushing my teeth every morning and night. So then, guess what happens??? My freakin teeth start to hurt like a mother.

My own damn fault. It's super fun to be pissed at yourself! :-)

About the dentist... I dislike going. Mostly because of the dental assistants... they are dicks. Stupid power-tripping judgmental asses.

(Gee... can you tell I am not a fan of the general population???)

I hate how they make me feel, and all I want to do is smack them across their face, or perhaps a right hook. Yes, the right hook is preferred.

I don't even know what I sat down here to write now....???

Confusing Medical Sx

2010-01-16T22:15:00.000-05:00

I swear I am not a hypochondriac. I've been feelings generally nasty for a couple of weeks, and today I made a list of things that have been bugging me as I have thought of them (in case I go to the doctor so I can be sure to remember everything). Looking at my total list, well I'm confused. I don't know if this is all something I should have checked out (I did over the summer when I had a similar spell of symptoms) but the doc came up empty handed and in my frustration I quit going to the wasteful "follow-ups". Here's what's up, I posted this in some random medical forum in hopes of getting intelligent feedback because, well, I don't feel like wasting my $$ going to the doctor for her to stare at me and say, "I'm not sure, but...". I don't have the patience for that right now!!

25 yr old 5'10 female, white, college student, good health.

Sx persisting 2+ weeks (& 6 weeks over summer, doc didn't dx; had normal blood panels), sx not constant, come and go, varying intensity as well:

Dizzy: not constant, dizzy "flashes"/"pulses" (electrical impulse/flash), various parts of face, head, neck, shoulders, chest, & lower than that (flash will go through my head, chest, and then thigh. When in head, it's like a pause in time, room and/or myself is shifted a little, rotating to L or R, forward or back, can happen spontaneously but most common when I look quickly L or R, occ up and down, but is not a constant feature every moment of every day. I had these pulsations over the summer for about 6 weeks.

True dizzy/lighthead when stand from squat, etc.

Nausea: stomach discomfort, frequently after food; 6 wks in summer w/ dizzy.

Coordination: I get periods of the day (usually don't last multiple days consecutively) of decreased dexterity in my hands, e.g. when writing, hard to finely coordinate fingers where I want, writing is sloppier, typing is occ hard too. In many cases it's easier to hold my thumb or finger stiff and moving my palm to influence the location of my finger tip when typing/operating iPhone. Sometimes body feels like I'm moving through water. Been unusually fatigued, even with the Adderall and coffee. I may have mental energy, but not in my body. Frequently fatigued, feeling uncoordinated, like moving through water or mud, clumsier than usual at times where it is frustrating to try to do things because I can't quite seem to put my body parts where I want them.

Ears: tinnitus, off and on.

Eyes: sore behind them in absence of a headache, can hurt looking around, go outside hurts behind my eyes, focusing at distances & light increase.

Shooting electrical/tingle down hand and fingers sometimes when I open my hand all the way (e.g. reaching to grab something).

Involuntary muscle twitch/spasm (brief spastic movement) primarily in legs and feet;

Some electric sort of jolts/flash in extremities (like hand or feet) when I bend my head down all the way (e.g. touching chin to chest);

Pre-exist: Synthroid: 50mcg/hypothyroidism, 2005; Prozac: 40-60mg/bipolar disorder, 2008; Lamictal: 200mg/BD, 2007; Lorazepam: PRN (max 2mg/BD, 2006; Adderall: 20mg/drowsy from BD meds, 2009.

History:

No major diseases or neuro d/o in family, some psych d/o, some heart disease (grandparent's siblings), uncle with diabetes II, breast/lung cancers (grandparent’s siblings), only a short history is known so I don't have much info.

I am sexually active, on Yaz birth control, just had period and not possibly preg, no history of STDs; occasionally smoke when stressed or starting to feel manic (not every day, 0-2 packs/week). No drugs, rarely alcohol (less than once a month)

Feel free to share thoughts :)

It's all poop

2010-01-14T22:43:00.000-05:00

This is going to be short. I have induldged in some Ativan and will be passing out soon.

Part of all of this is my own doing for being an idiot. My Lamictal was running low, so I got a new Rx from the pdoc. Then I took the Rx to WallyWorld the next day. Then I forgot to pick up the Rx that evening, and forgot to get it yesterday after work too. So last night and today I haven't had any. And I forgot to get it before school (didn't forget, rather I was running late to class and didn't want to be late) and then on the way home from work I was so freaking pissed at the world that the last thing I wanted to do was wade through rush hour traffic into the ghetto area of town with the Walmart in it (and right next to my place of employment) so I came home. And now I can clearly see that the total freak out in my mind is partly a product of no Lamictal. I'm so stupid. I freaking deserve this for being a lazy lump who doesn't like to be around people. All my fault. I'm an idiot. I hate myself. And all of this is from a rant I was going to share by my fingers are not coordinated enough and it really doesn't matter what I say any way because I was just going to bitch about something and I have already forgotten what it was and then it all comes down though to the fact that I am an idiot moron stupid head that isn't coordinated, not attractive, jiggly in the thighs and I have to go to the gym but I have they gym so much that I don't go because i get all panicked and freaked out and I can't think any more because now when I think that cascade starts and it's like a flash food is dumped on my head and I can't breathe or think straight and I want to run away from my life and live in some new place all alone without ever having to see anyone and I hate how my clothes fit and I hate feeling gross and I am now tired of typing.

Oh insomnia...

2010-01-12T22:23:00.000-05:00

I am tired. I think I would like to sleep. However, sleep is not playing nice and cooperating with me at the moment. Not cool. I took two vicodin for my headache deal I've been having, and you'd think that would sufficiently make me sleepy and druggy to pass out, but All I can do is lay in bed and have my brain go zip zip zip zip zeeeee dooo around. My joints can't keep still, it's like I have bugs or sand in them (if that makes any sense, I don't think it does, but for some reason this is the most appropriate description I have at the moment). So I am going to read and study my book, "Molecular Neuropharmacology - A Foundation for Clinical Neuroscience". This is fun for me. I would rather read this than hang out with half-assed people that aren't true friends. Which brings me to the topic I have been pondering for a while... and the fact I really don't like people in general. Hmm. I won't go into that rant right now. I'm going to read.

Peace out yo.

Rejection. Heavy.

2010-01-08T19:01:00.000-05:00

I have been zonked all day. Not too sure what is up with this. Feeling like tired crap really. Last night to sleep I took 3mg of Ativan, but still... to be hazy and exhausted all day? It sucks.

I received my first graduate school response from U-Michigan. The BioSci dept rejected my application. I had also applied to the Psych dept, so technically I still have a chance. But with that school, being the #1 in the States for the biopsycho field, well I'm not holding my breath.

It's not the rejection from UM that I am referencing in the title of this post. It's interpersonal rejection. And it is something that has been weighing heavily on me. I don't know why, or how I really feel about it.

Actually... I'm thinking I may be a little depressed right now. I don't have the motivation to do anything and all I want to do is sleep, take drugs to get stoned and sleep, and then lay around when I am awake and not do anything aside from online-shopping. I'm a little pathetic sounding right now. Oh well.

I don't want to be bothered. I don't want anyone to talk to me. I don't want squat. I want to be left alone. My head also hurts.

I am not in a frame of mind where I can handle (in a healthy or constructive way) stress or having activities assigned to me that I must complete. I have a lot of that "freaked out" feeling about having to go to work tomorrow. I am so thankful for the job that I have, I can go in when I want, leave when I want, and basically do what I want while I am there (as long as the admin stuff I do is straight, which is stuff from other people that I correct for audits) I do what I want, and I have two part-time associates I can assign duties to as well to help ease my work-load, or allow me to leave early. I have autonomy there, and because of my experience and knowledge, I have a certain "rank" based on my knowledge and seniority. I stopped with the "manager" position a couple years ago when I went back to school, but at this particular store, I know more than each and every boss-person in the place. I am so thankful for it; having this flexibility and freedom in my job is a life-saving opportunity. It is a HUGE help with reducing my stress and I cannot imagine how things would be if I had a typical job where I was just another anonymous worker. I am so thankful. And I told the dude I work for how much I appreciate the "cake-ass schedule" I have. I definitely show my appreciation when ever I can. I think that is important.

Back to today... feeling like ass.

Yesterday when I wrote the post while I was in front of the pdoc's office, I was halfway crying and depressed as poop. Half way through the appointment after the doc and I started talking about the professors at school and how some of them are stuck with old ideas and don't like students who challenge or talk about newer brain science discoveries. Then I perked up into a perky ass mood and went to my sister's house and felt find being over there, except that my brain still felt like butt and I was still "freaked and electric" feeling, but no longer about to cry.

Well, that is the good thing about rapid cycle, if you feel like shit, it's pretty much guaranteed to not last long.

Pdoc appt

2010-01-07T14:35:00.001-05:00

I'm in front of my pdoc's office in my truck. The appt isn't until. 2:45 so I have some time to kill.

First day of class was today. It would be so much more enjoyable if I didn't detest most people. Oh well.

The past couple of weeks have sucked with regard to my mental status. Today is no exception. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to quit school. I want to run away. I want to beat-up all the people that annoy me or judge me. I want to slap every last stereotypical sorority girl on campus.

My stomach has felt like shit too which isn't helping the situation. I hare people and yet I'm lonely in a way, nut there isn't anyone I feel like being around. I can't even imagine a hypothetical person I'd want for company.

I can't sit still, I want to run and stretch my legs, but my stomach is too nasty feeling. My head hurts too. I should go to the gym but I'm too flipping stupid in the head right now to tolerate being around anyone in public. So I'll remain fat and nasty. This is fun.

I hate this feeling. It's evil and gross and not fun. Just about the only thing I can do is either take Vicodin or Ativan, get a little stoned from those fun white pills, and then chill out and pass out, hoping it will be better when I wake up. I don't do well right now with the freaking whirlwind deal in the brain. Not at all. It's pretty shitty.

I'm over feeling like this. It's stupid. I really did think this shit was done. But he'll now I'm freaked and nutty when in public, particularily when in class, I'm having violent thoughts toward others (not that I'd act on them) and generally filled with a crazed rage.

I don't want to go home. I don't want to go to my sister's apartment. I don't feel athome anywhere. This is such a crappy way to feel when my brains are flying all about, I'm unsettled, panicked, and cannot find refuge anywhere or with anyone. My only friends are Vicodin and Ativan. How freaking pathetic is that?????

- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone

Flipped out

2010-01-05T10:55:00.001-05:00

Need I say more?

My insidesare flying into a million pieces all at once, crashing and breaking into a whirlwind rage.

And thanks to my odd dual functioning, I have dressed myself, mailed grad app, and am driving to work. My face is stern and jaw clenched. My body is static and hides the madness and terror within. My sexual appetite is voracious yet if any human gets close to me I want to punch them and rip their head off for being stupid

Clearly the whole wanting to kill any slow-thinking idiot conflicts with my current responsibility of going to work at a place filled with annoying idiots. To remedy this sittuation I took 10/600 of hydrocodone/acetimethaphen (sp). Hopefully I will be stones before i get to work as to avoid making a total ass out of myself. I try to keep the crazy below radar as much as possible.

Wish me luck please.

- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone

Super Sensitive; Rejection?

2010-01-04T22:02:00.000-05:00

Elizabeth's post last week helped me to identify possibly abnormal/over-reactive/not-helpful thoughts and feelings I experience with regard to interpersonal relationships.

I am exceptionally sensitive to any perception I may have of being abandoned, discarded, or unwanted. Usually I keep these ideas to myself because I am so cognizant of *not* appearing weak or vulnerable. In fact, such reactions to social situations have become internalized to the point I think they are "normal".

For example, I have a "special" friend, you know, the kind with "benefits". He's actually strictly a "beneficial" friend, not the hang-out-on-the-weekends friend. This person has a job that is not in session over the winter holiday (bet you have NO idea what his profession is... haha). So I sent him an email asking what his schedule is for Wedmesday (2 days from now). His response is "not sure yet, gotta get my head back above water". Being this is the first week back to campus I think it makes sense that he is busy. Okay... however, here is the chain of thoughts in my mind:

He sounds like he doesn't want to meet up with me.
What did I do wrong?
Why does he hate me?
Am I annoying?
Am I ugly?
Is it because my legs aren't as in shape as they used to be?
He found another "friend", I'm sure of it, and is benefitting with her now.
Fine, f*ck him, I don't want him anyhow. He's an idiot.
I'm gonna find someone new, hell I will pick his friend/co-worker to get back at him for choosing someone else over me.
What the hell did I do?
Why is he acting like this?
What's his f*cking problem?
Shit I'm being rejected, well fine, I don't want him anyhow.
This is good.
I'm gonna go find a new friend tomorrow.
Or I will call up my actual friend with whom I have shared benefits with before and hook up with him. Or the beneficial dude from last year. Yeah, I don't want this mess with current dude.
F*ck him, so he doesn't like me (referring to a general like, not a romantic-like)? Well I don't like him either. He's stupid (and I proceed to pick apart everything he's done that is "stupid").
And now I am thinking of all of the things I did or said wrong, and how I must be inadequate in bed and that the stuff he told me (regarding compliments and enthusiasm about the in-bed activities) has all been a lie, well no kidding, I'm a fool for actually believing anything he said, I should have known better, and well I do now so I vow to NEVER trust anyone again. This is so stupid. I hate all people. I'm an idiot for believing him. How could I have been so stupid? Well I am going to make up for it now. Jerk.

Etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc...

Right now I'm fairly certain he hates me and I am going to pre-empt this rejection by not talking to him anymore. If he wants to play this game of not wanting me then I am going to detach first. I won't send him anymore emails, and will take a long time to reply to his. In fact, the next time he is available to have a beneficial session, well I am going to be busy so we will have to resched. That will show him that I am okay with him hating me and being annoyed with me because I am just as annoyed with him and don't care about meeting up with him either because it's not that great for me either.

While I am feeling this way, part of me, a part in the back of my mind, I guess the only "sane" part (or it is the incredibly naive part, who knows the difference) tells me that he is not sure of his course/faculty/laboratory schedule and beginning of the year meetings, so of course he cannot commit to a particular beneficial time at the moment. It is not personal.

And then I promptly return to freak-out mode.

Which is where I am now. I am not sure if it makes sense to be able to be sure of two separate and opposite ideas in my mind at one time regarding the exact same situation.

Does this make sense to anyone?

I know I am overreacting, but I still feel convinced of these emotions being fact. I drive myself mad sometimes with the duality of my mind. The rational side of me, paranoid with trying to be as "normal" as possible in social settings, is not letting me say anything to this beneficial person regarding how I feel; I will not tell anyone the paranoid thoughts in my mind. I will keep my mouth shut because I am obsessed with not appearing weak, vulnerable, or "unstable". Yet my insides are flipping out, the emotional side of me is wigging out inside, and beyond this particular occurrence this side of me has been a giant stress-pot of anxiety and electricity flying around the inside of my body. I keep this hidden and put on my mask.

How exhausting it is to wear a mask, yet I do not dare to expose how I really am on the inside.

I am sure others must know how this feels and share these experiences. Yet I don't think anyone I know does... and I wish they did... so they would know what I am feeling, and know the strength is freaking takes to keep up this dance of duality between my brain and behavior.

I'm tired. Disheartened. Rejected. Lonely. Wishing I was someone else, while proud I am as strong as I am at the same time. Wanting to run away, wanting to stay. Wanting to sleep forever, wanting to take over the world. Polar opposites living inside of me... it wears me out.

My stomach also feels nasty. Sorta nausea... yuck. I may go to sleep now and then get up early to finish my app for the school that I need to mail out tomorrow. I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking, tired of trying. Done. Sleep. Screw all of this crap.

There is so much more I want to write, I've been taking notes today on my "memo pad" on my iPhone, and yet now I suddenly do not care to share any of it. I want to sleep. And I am certain nobody gives a shit anyhow, while at the same time I know people read this and do care to some extent, even if they do not personally know me in my "real" life.

I'm a giant ball of screwed up right now and I cannot continue to process this mess of tangled thoughts right now. I will indulge in some Ativan and let sleep rest my mind... then I will try all of this again tomorrow.

Good night all

Explosive

2010-01-03T14:31:00.001-05:00

That's me. I don't know how long I can type this on my phone. I updated to Vista Ultimate. Now the wireless won't work. I've flashed the BIOS, enabled network adaptor from start up using F10 and put every freaking driver possible on there. Not working.

Long story short this is all I have done today. At one point when mother was asking me shot about *her* laptop as I'm trying to fix my broke ass POS, I flipped. Shattered the CD in my hands, and let out a roar. I'm at the place where that dned freaking monstr has been unleashed. I keep going from rage to tears. Now it's tears. I put my self in bed, took my afternoon Lamictal and a Norco for good measure to help chill myself.

I hate this. I hate dealing with this. Trying to keep the crazy in check all the time, and then it still gets out. I have so much I need to do today. And none of it is getting done because I'm trying to not fly off the handle and that takes all of my energy. Now I'm in bed crying. Way to go. High five for me. I'm a stupid pathetic piece of crap that is nothing more than a nut-job thinking (erroneously) that she's smart. I wish I could just freaking disappear. I don't want to be a part of anything any more.

I hope this Norco kicks in soon.

I have the whirlwind back in my head and the vibrations in my brain.

Maybe I can sleep. Maybe it will be better when I wake up.

Labile Emotions

2010-01-02T20:44:00.000-05:00

I've been wearing myself out lately (and not blogging too often, so I have several post-it notes at my desk relating to the blog and things I want to get off of my chest...

My moods and emotions have been all over the place. It's crazy. I can wake up in the morning, be at home, sad, half teared up, then 20 minutes later while I am driving to work or school, I feel as though there is air beneath my body, lifting me to great heights of happiness as (typically) obsess over one particular event, instance, idea, etc. There is of course the explosive reactions of anger and emotion, most often peppered with curse words when I am at work and someone does something stupid that affects my particular job. I speak without thinking (although I am getting a bit better at thinking BEFORE things come out of my mouth) and pretty much do not have a filter. There are times when I restrain this tendency, but if I am feeling emotion to a certain degree I will get carried away and run my mouth and be loud and obnoxious. It's embarrassing to act like an idiot (which sometimes I realize I am being stupid as I am doing it (that small voice goes off in my head telling me to shut up) but more often I realize after the fact, and then try to avoid the person I acted like an ass around, or even try extra hard to be calm, cool, and collected the next time I run into them. Which... the drastic changes in mood may in the end make me look even more like a jackass. I hate feeling like people reject me. I HATE it. I beat myself up when I act stupid in front of others. I am overly sensitive to them rejecting me (I HATE saying this out loud) so my social blunders are quite distressing. After I am too stressed by it then I flip modes and turn on the "I don't give a sh*t" attitude and basically say everyone is stupid and I don't care if they like me.

I don't know where I am going with all of that :-)

I've been going to Walmart and especially Target a lot lately (they are both by work) and I just buy buy buy. It's annoying really. I mean how many freaking packs of Sharpie markers does one person REALLY need? And how many Pilot (by Papermate) ball point pens does one person need? And am I really going to use an orange ball point pen?!?! It's not just pens, nail polish, cases for my iPhone, and just random a** sh*t. I am very impulsive. Granted it's not a totally spending spree, I mean I am not buying a house or a car on a whim (keeping in mind that I don't have the $$ or credit to do those things anyhow) but I have blown a decent portion of the bank account. I've bought more neuroscience texts than I can read over the next 6 months, and so much crap from the internet (usually eBay). Vintage shirts, bracelets, home decor items, and just *stuff* that I don't NEED, but since I cannot decide what to get I end up just getting it all. I've been a little indulgent with myself to say the least.

I'm hopping back on my obsessive train with regard to eating and working out. I am logging all of my food I eat, which is awesome because it holds me accountable for what I put in my mouth. When I see how many calories I have consumed throughout the day, that piece of chocolate at night isn't so temping anymore. Once the school semester starts up I will return to being an obsessive gym freak as well (the school gym will be open) and listen to neuroscience lectures and things on my iPhone.

My obsession with graduate school apps is over and I don't want to do them anymore. I've scheduled tomorrow as my day this weekend to work on the ones that are due in January. But I get so distracted when I work on them! It's annoying and freaking difficult to stay on task.

Multitasking, my friend, my enemy. I can't seem to just sit with one thing right now. When I get up in the morning, I will start the coffee, after I put the grounds in and before I've added the water, I decide I should make my lunch. While doing that I make a list for the grocery, then I want coffee and remember I didn't start it. I finish the coffee, go back to my bedroom, pull out some clothes, remember I need to take a shower, go into the bathroom, see my make up on the counter and start applying that, then I remember the shower, so I turn the shower on and then stare into the mirror and decide I need to tidy up my eyebrows. Half way through the coffee says it's done, I get a cup, back into my room, and end up on the computer with the shower running, checking email and looking for apps for my phone. Etc etc etc etc. That's why I need my post-it notes, I have things fly into my mind and either I will start doing that instead (half the time I do anyhow) or I can write it down and then carry on with whatever it is that I was originally doing. Frustrating really. But I'm trying to make it work. The mood shifts and that dark feeling of wishing for death momentarily isn't any fun and I don't like when it comes around. I also hate the explosive head feeling. And right now, I feel like crap. Just crap. So I am done typing now. I am frustrated with it and want to throw the laptop out of the window. I will resume to teaching myself how to backup every last document or thingie I will need on my laptop and then doing a "clean" reinstall of Vista ultimate. I'm totally NOT a technology person, but my determined nature and smart little crazy brain make it work somehow as I fly along by the seat of my pants.

Lamictal and dreams

Hair Pulling

2010-01-02T20:19:00.000-05:00

Yep. I'm still at it. The main spot, the rear/to/center of my head, has been significantly affected. The hair is noteably thinner back there; it has been growing in (as I have been pulling it) so I have my normal longer hairs, then the short crazy ones that have been trying to grow in for a few months. If I hold up a clump of hair back there to curl (when I am using a curling iron to make my curls more uniform) it has a triangle shape... and those shorter hairs, ew. Eyelashes, they are growing back a little now. They were down to quite the minimum, it was terribly embarrassing. Getting better now, but the right eye still has a clump missing on the outter end, so my eyelash line ends before the lid ends. It's stupid.

But... what can you do, right??? I'm working on not pulling. Sometimes I play with tape or stickers from products to give myself a tactile sensation of pulling on my skin without losing hair in the process. Sometimes it works. Other times, it's a "win" when I get a small group of hairs out and they all come up by the root.

Funny in a way

2010-01-02T02:35:00.000-05:00

I wrote this entry in 2008, over a year ago:

http://www.bipolarblog-livingwild.com/2008/10/research-study-implicates-gene.html

And his talks about an NIH article regarding a genome wide study for bipolar disorder. What I find somewhat amusing, is that this study is now quite familiar to me, although not because I posted about it in 2008... but because two of the co-authors (from different schools) are professors I have applied to work with for my PhD.

It's amazing how much I have accomplished (even while still bein symptomatic); if you had asked me last year if I thought I would be preparing for graduate study of neuropsychology and related neuroscience/genetic fields, I would have laughed. So now here I am, and this is what I study in my free time, and hopefully, this isn't all some grandiose delusion and I really will make it :)

Ativan = More Energy???

2009-12-30T23:09:00.001-05:00

True story. Last night I was incredibly high strung and stressed. My remedy was to take 2 mg of Ativan and go to sleep. I did just that and when I woke up in the morning at 6 , I was so refreshed and not stupid tired. Usually benzos sedate you ... Lol.

Either it's Wacky Wednesday or I am usually too stressed/manic/mixed that I don't get good quality sleep. But the sleep given from drugs isn't as restorative as natural sleep.

Well I'm too tired to explain the rest of my thoughts on the matter. Time to sleep, thanks to another helping of Ativan :-) I LOVE a good Ativan semi coma !!!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from Anna's iPhone

Post-It Notes and Sharpies

2009-12-27T20:53:00.000-05:00

I have found a rather "duh" helper/solution to the fleeting thoughts and racing idea evenings/days/nights/afternoons/mornings/etc.

It's pretty simple: Post-it notes and a bunch of colorful fine point Sharpie markers.

I have post-it notes in my truck, my desk at work, my purse, and on my personal desk at home. I also have a variety of Sharpie markers at these locations. So, when thoughts start racing through, I write down (usually in some form of barely legible abbreviations) each idea on a new note. Then if one idea makes me think of something else for another idea, I can easily grab that other note with the first idea on it and add to it that way. It keeps things organized, and also keeps my mind somewhat clearer. It helps a little.

I do the same thing when planning something or writing out a list of things to do for the week. Using blank printer paper and my arsenal of Sharpies, I create an outline, usually revised many times before I have the final product that I will carry with me. It's a little obsessive, but it works, and I can keep on keepin'-on.

The corner of my room is plastered with Post-it notes covered in a variety of scribblings; for school, the blog (topics to write about, to research and share information), research ideas, new things to research and write papers about, book ideas, things to do, grad school ideas and tasks, and random reminders for things. I make a mental effort to try to "clean out" my walls every week and remove any notes that are no longer applicable so it doesn't become too cluttered.

Same at work, I have post-it notes EVERYWHERE at my desk, especially in my drawers. Writing task lists for myself at work also consists of the same outline and multi-revision structure I use at home for personal assignments.

I need to buy stock in Sharpies.

Many tasks; 0 complete.

2009-12-27T17:04:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh crap. I have discovered that my obsession with graduate schools and applications and essays was a short lived thing. I have the last round to do and I have not looked at them all day, instead I keep doing a variety of other things that are in no way related to getting my applications complete. Then there is the paper that I am in the middle of rewriting for no good reason which I have suddenly abandoned and it no longer interests me. I was a tanning maniac for a month and now I don't care about going any more.

I am concerned about the non-interest in the graduate applications. This is a problem. I am going to MAKE myself do them after I post this. It stinks that right now I am getting that same over-aggitated feeling of flying off the handle where my brain is vibrating and I can't do anything without flipping out and yet I cannot sit still because I feel like me head may tear open at the seams.

This sucks (to put it mildly).

What am I going to do? Well I will first assess the situation.
Available tasks:

Complete graduate school applications
Watch football
Go running
Read my neuroscience books
Take drugs and pass out
Listen to neuroscience podcasts
Mess with new cell phone and set up neuroscience applications on it as well as new organizational tools
Screw around on the internet
Work on my paper

Next I will single out the items that have due dates (since these obviously should take priority):

Complete graduate school applications

Okay, so there it is. Clearly this is the activity I NEED to be doing right now. My next move... sit here in the chair, and FORCE myself to do it. I may need to take some time to close my eyes and relax the muscles in my body, think positive thoughts about this task and try to get myself psyched up to do it. Then, when I am feeling a little more straight in the head, I will begin the task.

But first I need to eat some dinner (soup), then I will do this. I think eating dinner will help settle me as well.

:-)

Childhood Bipolar Disorder

2009-12-27T13:22:00.000-05:00

There are any critics as well as supporters of the existence of bipolar disorder (BD) in children.

I watched a home video of myself when I was 8 years old; it was a shock. I watched in disbelief and kept asking my mother how she did *not* see something wrong with me. She said she took me to the doctors many times because she herself was convinced something was wrong, but they all sent her home stating I was perfectly fine.

I wasn't. I was not a "healthy" kid. Playing a pillow fight with my step-dad, I was joyful and giggling, and out of nowhere would stop and be pissed, my actions varied from throwing myself on the floor and kicking, to standing rigid and screeching. Just as quickly as I had become enraged I would be fine again and playfully playing and having a happy time. This cycle repeated itself many times throughout the one hour video.

I am shocked to see myself like that. It is so familiar thought, to how I feel in my brain today, the only difference being when I was younger I didn't have the self-control to curb my reactions. It is so sad, looking back, and seeing how I must have been feeling, so out of control and confused like that, not understanding what was up with my head... I wish I could go back in time and give that little girl a hug, telling her that I understand and things will get better.

It was eye opening to watch these videos. And also saddening.

I'm not sure how I feel about this right now.

Emotions, stressors, and HPA axis function in bipolar disorder

2009-12-20T22:50:00.000-05:00

Psychoneuroendocrinology: Emotions, stressors, and hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis function in bipolar disorder

Abstract

Multiple lines of evidence suggest the intense emotional responses elicited by environmental stressors negatively influence the relapse rate of bipolar disorder episodes. Research results have consistently shown heightened physiological and psychological reactivity in bipolar disorder following stress cues in manic, depressed, and euthymic states. This enduring hyperactive HPA axis and resulting hypercortisolemia is suspected to be the antecedent to the lowered N-acetylaspartate concentrations observed in the hippocampi of bipolar subjects. The efficacy of antiglucocorticoids (as used to reduce high cortisol levels in Cushing’s syndrome) to treat hypercortisolemia and dysfunctional HPA axis is in the beginning stages of exploration. Further investigation into the neurobiology of mood disorders and hypercortisolemic symptomatology in medical conditions is warranted. Review of current literature and directions for future research are discussed.

My research review paper is almost done. The above is a draft of the abstract for it. I don't know how to upload PDF files to blogger, so I am not able to provide an actual electronic copy to those who are intersted. If you email me, using the "Contact" form at the top menu selections, I am more than happy to send the file your way :)

Back to obsessing about research and what-not. I am obsessing. Hard core. And I am tired. And my head hurts. :) but it's all good because I have my brain and it is generally smart and will take me to graduate school :)

Paranoid much?

2009-12-19T19:22:00.000-05:00

I went out last night weekend to an "Ugly Christmas Sweater" house party. I had good time. I haven't gone OUT to a function since the before this semester started.

The same group of people are going out for this one dude's birthday tonight. The birthday boy invited me. I said I'd go, then this morning I backed out. He convinced me again to go. And now, instead of getting ready to go, I am sitting at my laptop doing research for a paper that isn't for school (it was for my Vanderbilt admission packet and now I'm just expanding on it and feeling pressured to do so like I have a pending deadline for a journal or something). Why am I not going? Two reasons:

1. I am convinced the only reason bday boy invited me is because he wants in my pants.

2. My other friend (the dude whose house we meet up at and where I would most likely crash tonight) isn't the one who invited me and since he wasn't encouraging of my participation (i.e. inviting me and what not) I am convinced that he really doesn't want me there so I am afraid to go because I know I am not wanted.

I feel this way, and I am sure I am being a little oversensitive and paranoid, but that doesn't change what I am feeling. I'm a nut.

And I have a killer headache which isn't helping things. And I'm hald depressed and half nuts all at once. I'm not enthusiastic about today. It's to the point where I am mildly looking forward to going in to work tomorrow because it will get me out of the house (my mother....) and I can bring my extra books (the neuroscience ones I buy to read for fun) and study those, take notes from them, etc.

I love that I am smart, and I am so thankful for that and my obsession/drive (which I partly sttribute to being a butter-butter) to study and dedicate my time to my chosen future "profession".

But... sometimes, the other side of things, the fact I have shut my friends out because they didn't react well to the idea that I enjoy studying and not partying, and I am too paranoid to make new friends (such as not going out with my buddy from work who I've worked with for 4 years off and on) because I am convinced they are out to "get" me. That, and dressing up nice and going out someplace it too much stress and freaks me out because I am convinced I am fat and ugly and I get too much anxiety to leave the house and venture into public at a semi-dressed-nice scene because there are going to be girls that are girly-girls and look way prettier than me and I am going to look like a stupid ugly nerd and feel bad about myself. Staying home is a great way to avoid the feeling bad about myself part.

Here's something gross to admit (but for the sake of this journal/blog, I am supposed to share EVERYTHING, even the stuff that makes me feel gross... I haven't taken a shower since Tuesday (it is now Saturday evening). Why? Not because I don't like showering per-se, but because my shower in my bathroom is not operable (there is a leak that needs to be fixed because the wall has stared to rot out) and my other choice is to use my mom's shower. Seeing as how this house is a whopping 1700 square feet, this shouldn't be too much of a challenge to walk into her room and use that shower. But for me, taking my shower in another shower that isn't mine, and hers is different and weird (and actually what I used on Tuesday and hated it) and it's *too much* of a task for me to make myself do. So I go to work, come home, obsess about research and graduate schools, and then I go to sleep. Brushing my teeth is another one. That is too big of a thing to do, so I have only been doing it about every other or every three days. I am sure I sound disgusting. I always make sure I don't smell though and even if I do not actually "brush" my teeth with toothpast, I'll run the brush over the font for a few seconds in the morning to make sure it's not growing stuff that other people will see. I still take time to partially do my make-up too (I don't look like a total wreck when I go out in public to work). But the other things, and like cleaning my room, I have an incredibly hard time doing that. I want to shower, I want to shave my legs, but going in to her bathroom is too much to handle so I don't. I'll make mysef do it tomorrow because my hair needs to be washed. Or I could wash it in the sink and use a washcloth to wipe my body down.

I don't know what this is all about. I have been in this weird anti-show-brush-teeth phase before.

My head hurts.

Ironic? Or pathetic?

2009-12-14T11:07:00.004-05:00

Emotional reactivity in bipolar disorder and the effects of stressors on neuroendocrine function

A research review

This is the title of the research review I am completing for Vanderbilt admissions to the neuroscience program.

What I am finding ironic/interesting/hilarious/pathetic/nonsensical is that this particular paper is being written by a bipolar patient as part of an academic application process which is producing stress (activity related stress, as explained in the paper and linked to manic episodes and increased emotion lability) and causing her to mildly flip the frik out and she is having a difficult time controlling herself and remaining on task, focused, productive and not to run around screaming like a wild banshee or taking benzos to sleep this insane black whirlwind in her head. Furthermore, this particular author chose this subject because she wanted to learn more about stress and the effect it has on her emotion states and episodes (she has noticed a pattern in her own experiences) and also, why things that involved activities she "has" to do cause her to flip out more than other kinds of stressors.

I feel a little ridiculous writing this particular paper. Then again, I feel pleased that I am able to write it and sit here, and I amused that the main motivation to do so is because I want to prove to myself that while I may be a little bit nutty in the brain, I am still able to function and be successful; albeit a little more difficult to manage, I CAN do it.

I doubt there is another applicant whose dedication exceeds mine. Equal perhaps, but not more so. Either this is legitimate, I am being manic-grandiose, or experiencing the Lake Wobegone Effect, where my thinking I am better than average is nothing more than a cognitive distortion.

Ich habe ein Problem

2009-12-13T23:06:00.000-05:00

So I have to rewrite/edit/change/alter/adjust/make-perfect this old research paper that was from earlier in the semester and turn it into an official APA research article review to submit to Vandy for my neuroscience application.

When is it due?
Oh, the 15th.

When is my final for the evil professor's class who hates me because I have an ounce of bilogical/brain knowledge?
The 15th.

This is stupid. I have completely screwed myself with this graduate crap. I hate everything. I am panicked and overwhelmed and this is generally stupid.

So my remedy was to sit here for the last two hours looking up new laptops (Mac, which I would have bought except the credit card online was't approved) and then some other stuff and I forget what else and then trying to figure out how to upgrade my current laptop and then just being retarded on Facebook and I haven't really done jack on the paper I hate everything right now.

I'm being so lame.

And I don't know why.

And my brain is straight up shutting down which totally sucks right now when I need to create some high quality scientific research and writing that will get me into a D1 school for neuroscience and psychology graduate programs.

I hate everything. And am one big giant thing of panic over BBBALHALAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!